Forever

It's been 7 1/2 months.  I'm beginning to recognize a different feeling that I don't know a word for.  Tyler is getting married in June, 58 days away.  Ryan is moving to Texas.  They are growing up.  We saw them change before our eyes into full fledged adults.  When I think of Kaleb he's still, just turned 17 year old Kaleb.  He was at the age where he was changing quickly.  He'd filled out with muscle and grown taller over the last year.  Those changes stopped suddenly like in mid-change.   Austin has been grown for years, so I've pretty much always seen him as a grown up.  When I think of Tyler and Ryan now it's as a grown up.  They are all still our boys but they make their decisions now.  They aren't dependent on us.  I don't know how to describe the feeling I get when I think of Kaleb.  And it's that feeling that I think brings me the most pain and tears.

I can talk about him.  Can talk about the things he did.  That's not a problem for me.  What gets me is when I try and discuss or think about what would have been his future.  That's where this feeling starts that I don't know a word for.  I can look at older pictures of him easier than I can the newer ones.  Like his senior picture that he'd had taken right before he died.  Those are still packed away in the box the school gave them to me in.  I need to put one in a frame and set it out but I haven't got there yet.  That is the picture of the Kaleb we lost.  The little young Kaleb was already gone.  He'd grown out of that stage.  So those pictures just remind me of good memories, happy memories.  The pictures from last summer and the beginning of the school year this year, that was all the "grown up" Kaleb that we are going to get and it's those that bring the tears.  I'm really not doing a good job of explaining this feeling.  Usually words are easy for me, but this is the hardest for me to comprehend.  It's like I'm at Peace with the younger Kaleb.  Those times were already behind him and there wasn't anything lost there.  He got to experience a normal childhood.  He went to amusement parks.  He went camping and fishing.  He did all the normal things a growing boy does except finish the process.  It's the what he didn't experience that makes me cry.

He'll never graduate or join the military.  He won't feel the sense of accomplishment when you hear your name called and someone hands you that diploma and shakes your hand.   He'll never get married and start a family.  He'll never feel the love of seeing your child for the first time.  He'll never hold a full time job and buy a house.  The feeling of pride to know you own this because you worked your butt off to get it.  Those thoughts are the ones that cause the feeling that I can't describe.  One moment took away his Forever and created this unknown feeling that will be my Forever.