We had a great weekend in Tulsa this weekend. It was a much needed couples getaway. We did a whole lot of absolutely nothing. Went to flea markets, enjoyed a good mexican meal, went to a Drillers/Naturals game(might have eaten dipping dots twice in the same game). Then on the way back home Sunday stopped at the Renaissance Fair at the Castle at Muskogee. While it wasn't my cup of tea, I couldn't help thinking how Kaleb would have LOVED it there. Dressing up, speaking with an accents, swords and weapons. This is something I wish he could have experienced in his lifetime. He would have been in his element. He loved weaponry of any kind. He collected knives among other things. He could annoy the crap out of you by talking in an accent for extended periods of time just because he knew it got on my nerves. His grown up sense of humor would have loved the insult booth. This would have been a place he could have spent hours entertaining people and participating in their over the top dramatizations.
This is where Kaleb and I differed. I'm more the wallflower that likes to people watch. I'm awkward in unknown situations. Kaleb never met a stranger and would ask directions or find out what we were suppose to be doing from anyone. The other 2 boys are more like me. They don't like to ask questions. Kaleb always felt "different" in our family. I don't think I did a good enough job making him understand different can be a good thing. There are still things that need to be learned such as manners and being respectful and such, but marching to the beat of your own drum isn't a bad thing. That's how the world continues to evolve. Having people who think outside the box and aren't afraid to be the first one to try something. People who aren't afraid to go out on a limb and if that limb breaks get back up and try a different limb. I'm more of the tree trunk. Always going in a straight line and sticking close to the center. But I do like to surround myself with people who think differently.
The Renaissance Fair might not have been my thing, but it is something I wish we would have done with Kaleb. That's where not taking life for granted comes into play. I always thought we still had time to do more things and have more experiences. This is helping me to understand sometimes it's a good thing to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. You never know when it will be the last new experience you'll have. Or the last experience you'll have with someone. As you go through life the people around you are forever changing. You start out with grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles, then you get siblings and cousins. As you age you begin to make friends and then have nieces and nephews. You start losing your grandparents or great grandparents. You start having children and then you might start losing your parents, aunts and uncles. Then you might lose siblings before you. I can say I've lost great grandparents, grandparents and a parent. I haven't lost Aunts, uncles, siblings or cousins. I've been blessed. Losing my dad at what felt to me like a young age was hard. But losing a child is so much different. Maybe it's because you were a part of making that child, or raising that child. They were your responsibility and it feels like a failure on your part. I wept for my grandparents and my dad. I miss them still, but for Kaleb it's a completely different feeling. I'm heartbroken, I cry, I grieve but I'm also changed and I'm stronger and I think it's made me a better person. To this day I listen to "Why" by Rascal Flatts and it is like Kaleb's story. I have a playlist that I play when I want to feel close to him. They were some of his favorite songs. I'll always have it even when the songs are old and outdated. While he isn't here with me everyday, I have his memories. I have pictures. I have a few of his favorite things. But what I'll never have again is a hug, or a smile, or his voice. Those were a few of My favorite things.
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