My life use to be hysterical. You never knew what was going to happen at our house. Or what was going to come out of mine or one of the kids mouths much to Jimmie's dismay. We spent a lot of time laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief thinking "only me" this could only happen to me. These are the things I miss most about being empty nesters now. Before I probably laughed, like really laughed at least once a day. Now I laugh at some things but there have only been a few hard belly shaking laughs since we lost Kaleb. I could make light of just about any situation. Now I'm not sure if I don't have the energy to find things funny, if my sense of humor has changed or if this is just part of the new normal.
If this is new normal, I'll be working to change it. I want happy me back. But then you get into guilt thinking about happy me. How can I truly be happy again? It's not fair to Kaleb. I can't be happy after losing one of our kids. I know this is skewed logic and isn't what Kaleb would have wanted but it's still in my head. Whenever I start to experience joy or happiness something reels me back in. People have always said I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my facial expressions tell you everything you need to know. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a happy face. Eyes squinty from grinning so big. Happiness through and through. I'm ready for that face to return.
Being around people my age or older I've never felt like I belonged. I still had a young spirit and mind. Physically I might be their age but I'd never admit it. I'm still young. I'd rather hang out at the kids table at holidays and play sports outside than I would do the grownup stuff. Today for one of the first times ever I looked in the mirror and I felt my age. I felt all 43 years weighing down on me. I decided right then that it's time to change. I'm not going to feel guilty if I laugh or enjoy life. I'm going to learn to live again and be young. I'm going to be that person that people say "She's not really 43 is she?"
I think my social anxiety has gotten worse since losing Kaleb. Don't get me wrong I've never liked crowds or talking to strangers but now I feel judged by everyone. I feel like the person people feel sorry for or if someone asks "Who is that?" The answer is "remember my friend who's son killed himself? That's her." And while these things are true to some extent, I know a lot of it is made up in my head. I want to go back to being Karen. Or Tyler's mom, Ryan's mom, Kaleb's mom. Yes Kaleb is dead but I'm still his mom.
My goal after today is to continue putting myself out there. Letting people see you can make it through anything if you believe in yourself. I'm going to show people, it's ok to be happy again. I want people going through a tough time to be able to say "she did it, so can I." I'm not saying I won't be sad, or I won't cry because I will. But I'm going to enjoy the flip side of that coin also. I'm going to be happy. This isn't a place I ever could have got to alone. It has taken people dragging me along at times. Pushing me forward and even being brutally honest with me and telling me when I'm losing it and need to make a change. That's not always something you want to hear but that's when you know you are surrounded by people who truly love you. And how could someone surrounded by that much love not be happy? If there is one thing I learned from the movie We Bought A Zoo it's that sometime all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and something good will come of it. What will come of it for me is happiness and holding my head up high again. Feeling young and not letting this weight break me down. So here's to living life twenty seconds at a time.
Well i think its great. You deserve to be happy. I feel enormous amounts of guilt when i experience happiness as well as anxiety being around people that know me or like you said who i am. Yes its stems from a much different reason but regaurdless the feelings are there. No my life is not going to be as i wanted or even planned. Im not going to raise my children in the traditional way that i crave. Because the reasons are due to my own actions, its a very difficult truth to accept. Ive spent years wallowing in my own guilt refusing to move forward. The very second i accepted i wasnt in control of every aspect of my life and that do have the choice to be happy was when i started learning to deal with my emotions. And your example is almost a textbook guide on how to do so. So thanks! And karen, of course people feel sorry for you but when i see you and hug so tight its because i truly care about and love you and if i could absorb any amout of hurt from you through that brief embrace, i would willingly take it. I guess what im saying with that along with thed sorrow i feel for you grief, emense joy for your tribulations blossoms with every update you post. Your doing great. Which helps me realize im going to be just fine too!love you!
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