A new house, a new routine and a new perspective. I've written before about trying to find our new normal. There are a lot of things that we are getting used to. I remember where to turn to go home now, that's a big step for me. I've very routine driven. I am loving living on the complete opposite side of town. There is NO TRAFFIC. I always complained about the traffic on 59 but I never realized how much I truly hated it until we moved away from it. We probably live about the same distance away from work, but it's a 5 minute drive instead of a 15 - 20 minute drive. And 3 minutes if I hit all green lights. I'm getting used to having free time on my hands and not juggling multiple schedules. Trying to build new routines has been hard because I don't always have a lot of motivation. Sometimes just making it through the day exhausts me so when I get home I sit on my butt and don't move. I have to be conscious of that and make sure to have a plan for what to do when I get home, whether it's walking the dogs, exercising, cooking dinner, anything to keep me from doing nothing.
Doing nothing is bad. Doing nothing means I start slipping backwards. Going down the dark hole. I start digging through old files on my phone, old pictures and old facebook posts. It gets me to dwelling in the past instead of continuing to make progress in moving foward. I get quiet and according to those around me when I'm quiet that's not a good sign. Even though people have always told me they wished I was quieter apparently that's not what they meant. So I've started planning my evenings now. Meal planning helps, I then have to go home and make dinner instead of eating a bowl of cereal. It's also a little healthier. Thank goodness for Pinterest and a never-ending supply of new recipes to try.
Something that surprises me now is that it's harder for me to talk about our other kids. I've always been a descriptive person and while I have no problem saying Kaleb is deceased, or died, I can't talk about my other kids. I still have problems referring to them as my oldest, or the middle one. And I still can't say "the boys" I guess their new name is "the other boys". When speaking of all our kids it's "our boys" so it includes Austin and my 3. It doesn't bother me as much to say that one for some reason. It hits me every time I start to say something about them and try to call one of them my oldest, or my middle one even though that is what they still are, I stutter over it because its like a knife through my heart. Why I can talk about Kaleb and not have an issue I have no idea, when I will tear up while talking about my living children. In my mind when I say "the boys" there is a mental picture stamped in there of the 3 boys. Whether it's the picture of them on the day of my grandfathers funeral, or the coffin picture we always took at Silver Dollar City. The 3 of them is the definition of "the boys".
As Tyler is preparing for his marriage and Ryan is going out on his own I'm doing ok with those things. I'm loving the idea of having a daughter-in-law. Steph is so sweet and caring. Seeing her and Tyler start their life together is very exciting for me. They are making their own family. It's a new branch on our family tree. Ryan is following his heart and doing what he feels is right for him and I'm good with that. Him being further away just gives me an excuse for road trips.
The way I look at things is so much different than before. I've always been pretty laid back unless you really tick me off and then everyone knows you better run once I lose my temper. I'm a realist and analytical. I think through problems differently than most people. I used to stress a lot about things I couldn't change, things that really didn't matter. Now I'm here for the experience of life. I'm going to love every minute of it. I still get down sometimes. Last week was hard and I shed plenty of tears with Mother's Day coming and going but still I love my life. I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and that I know will do anything for us because they have literally put their lives on hold to help us. Life is what you make it. You have to surround yourselves with positive things. You have to decide that the past is truly the past and you are still here for a reason. I'm gonna make the most of the time I have. I'll always miss Kaleb with all of my heart. There will always be a piece of me missing. But there is a whole lot more of me that is still here. I could choose to try and find blame, and be negative and turn sour because I wasn't dealt a winning hand every time, or I can keep laying my chips on the table and enjoy the game called life. Now I have the Kenny Rogers song running through my head. Gotta know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. I'm not running away I'm running full speed head on into the future. And you're welcome for now getting that song stuck in your head also!
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