Decoration day at our cemetery falls on Mother's Day. It makes sense because so many people would want to decorate the graves of their mothers and grandmothers to celebrate that day. But it hurts when you're the parent decorating your child's grave. I know my posts make it seem like I'm falling apart and not able to cope with life but it's really not like that. I go to work everyday. We go fishing and play softball. We take trips and enjoy our days. Just always in the back of my mind is a sadness that will never go away. We still are experiencing our "firsts" as we go through this year. It's learning how we can each handle these things.
I've seen people completely consumed by their grief for long periods of time. I do think for the first few days afterwards I was that way, I'm still not sure how I functioned. There are times in there I don't remember and then there are times that are forever burned into my mind. I remember the funeral director sitting at the table and saying "Ok, let's start with the easy stuff first". I remember sitting at that table saying "I can't do this". We were talking about Kaleb's funeral at work the other day and I honestly wish we would have videoed it. Not so I could obsess over it everyday, but just to be able to watch it with a clearer mind. There is so much of his funeral I don't remember. It wasn't due to medication, I think it was just because it took everything I had in me just to make it from one moment to the next and keep breathing without falling apart. The same is true for the visitation. There is a lot of it I don't remember. I remember people being there that I hadn't seen in forever and there being so many people I couldn't spend much time with any one person.
Writing about my feelings helps me to sort through them. But I worry sometimes what's good for me might be hurting others who are trying to heal from this also. One thing I've learned is everyone handles it differently. Some choose to never speak of it, some talk about him a lot. I do know my goal is to not be another statistic, or if I am to be a positive one. There are so many statistics out there about the number of marriages that end in divorce after the loss of a child. I've read that as many as 80% of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. We are working hard to make our marriage a priority. We became empty nesters, we have each other to lean on. We have to find what works for both of us as we work through our grief. Ryan told me the other day "Now is the time you're suppose to be like, my kids are out and I can live life again" And that is true. We were looking forward to that day. I had my kids early on purpose so they'd be grown and I'd still be young. It's just how we got here that brings a little guilt on the having fun part. But we will give everything we have in us to ensure we work together to continue to build a stronger marriage and bond between us because there is no way I could have made it this far without Jimmie's support and love.
Back to Mother's Day. This will be my first Mother's Day without Kaleb obviously. We still have other children to celebrate and we still have our Mothers to celebrate. We'll be placing Kaleb's new wreath/graduation decoration this weekend. I'll post pictures I'm sure. Jimmie was able to take a wreath one of our neighbors had made for us right after Kaleb died and place it on a stake and add the graduation cap to it. He did a great job putting this together and I can't wait to take it up there to add to his gravesite. For all the women out there who have children either biologically, through adoption or through marriage Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy your day this weekend with your children. Whether it's breakfast in bed, flowers sent from children who live far away, gifts made or brought to you from the ones who live close, a video call, skype, or phone call from the ones who can't be here cherish these moments. Take a day off from worrying and enjoy family time.
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