One year ago today

Sharing again on this 3rd anniversary in 2018. The pain never goes away. You just learn new coping mechanisms. Thank you to everyone that has supported us on this journey.

One year ago today we lost Kaleb. September is National Suicide Prevention month.  To help spread awareness I ask that anyone who sees this post please SHARE it.

If someone needs help give them the National Suicide Hotline  1-800-273-8255

Our Story:

1 year ago today we were a normal middle class family.  I had a grown stepson, 2 sons in college and our youngest son Kaleb was a senior in high school.  Kaleb was our handful.  He was smart, opinionated, funny and not always socially appropriate.  He had a grown up sense of humor from the time he was small.  He had the art of administering a punch line down perfect.  Kaleb never met a stranger, or at least they weren't a stranger for long.  He'd start a conversation with anyone.  He also struggled with severe ADHD.  His plans after high school were to join the military. A perfect child he was not.  Same as I was not a perfect parent.  Of all our kids, Kaleb and I butted heads most often.  There was a very wide gap between what I deemed acceptable behavior and what he deemed acceptable behavior.  Not seeing eye to eye led to many disagreements.  I am a stubborn hard headed person and I met my match with him.  Maybe it was my love for him, or maybe it was my want to ensure I raised proper young men that would make positive contributions to the grownup world, I'm not sure, but there was something about him that had me putting in a lot of hours to keep him on the right path.  Helping him find his way in a world that wasn't always equipped to handle his exuberance.  

He came into this world 7 pounds even.  Even as a toddler there was no stopping him.  It took multiple people to keep him out of trouble.  1st week of kindergarten we got a call that he might need to be checked for ADHD.  Our pediatrician just said he'd been expecting us, just not as quickly as he got sent.  He spent 12 years on every ADHD medication made.  He suffered different side effects with different medications.  We stuck with the ones with the fewest side effects that enabled him to remain focused the longest.  School was a struggle for him from day 1.  

Kaleb was over the top with everything.  He talked loud, he told the funniest stories, but his laughter was the best.  He had the biggest belly laugh you've ever heard.  That and his singing.  Boy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but he belted his favorite songs at the top of his lungs.  The boys bathroom was off our living room and there were many times I had to ask him to lower the volume in the shower because we couldn't hear the tv.  He was also the first one to hold a door open for a stranger, or help an elderly person.  If he wanted to accomplish something he did.  I remember the first trip to Silver Dollar City when he was finally old enough to ride the "big" rides.  He rode every roller coaster there with both hands thrown up in the air.  No care in world, no fear whatsoever.  He was an adrenaline junky.  "He was"  That is how I speak of him now.  He was my baby boy.  He was my partner in crime.  

On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm, I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed  our life forever.  

One year ago today. Since then I've studied the statistics. I've shared countless educational things about suicide statistics and suicide prevention. That's all I can do now. Try and educate others on how to get help so another normal family doesn't have to learn how to navigate these difficult waters.  So as we go through this day, one year since losing our youngest son, I ask that you let those around you know that you are there for them. You can listen and there is help available.

To anyone that needs help, feels down or doesn't know where to turn. Call the number above. Talk to your family or your doctor. Know that what you are feeling now is temporary and there are ways to get help. I pray everyday that somehow, someway we are able to make a difference in someone's life. We will miss Kaleb everyday for the rest of our life. That feeling is not temporary. There is nothing that can help take away the pain for us, his brothers, grandparents, extended family, friends or acquaintances.

1 year, 52 weeks, 12 months, 366 days, 8,784 hours.........

As the year starts to come to a close, We're doing better. We have our ups and downs. I believe we've found our new normal. I dread my Facebook memories in 14 days. I think I'll take a vacation from Facebook for at least a few days starting on the 15th of September.  I have no urge to relive the nightmare from a year ago.  I'm thinking about marking something positive off my bucket list on that day.  Maybe that will be the day I try paddle boarding.

I've been thinking about why I do these blogs. Is it good for me or detrimental to my mental health?  Does it prolong my grief, or help me handle it?  Does it help anyone out there?  It helps me put my thoughts into perspective. Like going to grief share helped me see that anything is possible.  Life sucks sometimes but what you do afterwards decides if it will suck forever.

Honestly I use to feel guilty if someone saw me in public and I was laughing. Not anymore. I'm 43 years old. I've raised 3 children in my home. There have been good times and there have been hard times. We might not like the hand we were dealt but I'm going to make the most of my future. I will laugh, I will play, I will have fun. I will also cry, I will grieve and I will always have questions that will remain unanswered.  With that I will also have our other children, dreams, plans and a future.

The anniversary of Kaleb's death just happens to fall during Suicide Prevention month.  I will not celebrate the day of his death.   But on that day I will work to spread suicide awareness. I will make a post on my personal Facebook page and on this blog page on the 15th to help spread suicide awareness. I ask that anyone who knows me or my family, knew Kaleb or of his story please share that post to help spread awareness of teenage suicide. Make sure you privacy setting for that post is public.  Then if others choose to share your post others can see it.  Maybe one less set of parents will lose a child. One less child will lose a sibling. One less teenager will lose a best friend. One less teacher will lose a student. One less child will become a statistic.  By breaking the stigma regarding suicide it can be brought to peoples attention.  They can learn it's ok to ask for help.  It's not something to be hidden, or ashamed of.  The pain and grief is hard.  It hurts!

I saw a post on facebook a little while back of a college that placed backpacks on it's campus lawn to signify each student they had lost to suicide.  Making it visual helps people understand.  Those backpacks should be on the backs of a student, not laying on the ground.  It helps you understand the number of young adults this impacts.  I hope soon the number of backpacks being placed will begin to dwindle.  It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to to spread awareness.

Birthdays and Anniversaries

We're helping Tyler and Steph move this weekend.  They are moving further away to finish up their schooling and begin their married life together.  Who knows what their life holds after they finish their degrees but for now that means they will be a little further away than they have been the last 4 years.  Ryan has enrolled in college in Shreveport where he's living with Alyssa to finish his degree down there.  They are becoming accustomed to life on their own.  Austin still lives close but has been independent and on his own for a long time now.  Next week on the 14th, Kaleb would have turned 18.  The last of our boys would have been an adult.   As I'm typing this I'm listening to one of the songs on my playlist.  Amazing Grace by Michael Smith "My chains are gone.  I've been set free.  My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains.  Unending love, Amazing Grace"  "The Lord has promised good to me.  His word my hope secures.  He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures."  I know that with His Grace, we will make it through.  People are given to us throughout our lives temporarily.  You never know when the loan date will be up.

Starting Griefshare has been a positive experience for me.  I've been struggling with the thought of his birthday and the anniversary of his death along with my daddy's all coming up in the next 45 days or so.  Starting the class has helped me know there are many people who have gone through these processes.  They have walked these paths and came out the other side.  While never a quick or easy process, it is do-able.  I've learned about 2ndary losses.  Which makes sense and I'd sort of came across this on my own with my blog about losing my full time job.  We lost a son, a brother, a grandchild, a friend but he was more than that.  To me he was my partner in crime for our Braum's runs.  He was my full time job everyday.  He was my helper with chores at home.  He was someone to make me laugh at the stupidest jokes that wouldn't have even made it on a laffy taffy wrapper.  He could deliver the best punchlines.  So while we each realize when we lose someone that we lost that person as a relation or friend to us, we also lost everything else they were to us.  I'm not explaining this well, it's easier to use a spouse as an example.  If you lose your spouse you also lose your best friend, your confidant, your partner, the person that runs the other half of the household, possibly the person that paid the bills.  You have to take on additional functions that you might not have been responsible for.  It's sort of the same with a child.  Except I lost responsibilities. I lost the laughs we would have shared.  The milestones that were still to be met.  So we're not just grieving the loss of a son, we're grieving the loss of everything he was to us and the dreams we had for him.

So instead of dreading this birthday I'm going to celebrate it.  He's still my son. He was still born on 8/14/98.  My little 7 pound bundle of joy.  It was still one of the happiest days of my life.  Nothing has changed any of that.  The only thing that has changed is how we will celebrate.  Maybe I'll take him a Happy Birthday Balloon up there to put on his grave.  He'd have loved sucking the helium out of it and telling jokes in a high pitched squeaky voice.  Those will be the things I remember on his birthday.  His joy, his laughter, his practical jokes.  His never-ending stream of useless knowledge.  The love for our child will never change, what will change is us as parents as we learn to live without him at our side.

I've learned to be thankful everyday for not just the good things in my life, but even the obstacles that have been put in my path.  I can teach our other boys by example that you can make it through anything.  This process hasn't been easy and it hasn't always brought out the best in us.  I've said things out of hurt and anger, I've reacted in negative ways, but that's part of learning, figuring out what doesn't work and focusing on what does.  So Happy Birthday Month Kaleb!

Does it get Easier

There are still days my life seems like a dream and I'll wake up and everything will be normal again.  Logically I know that won't ever happen.  But there is that one piece of me that still seems to be holding out hope.  And I believe that one piece isn't allowing me to move forward in the healing process.

In the last 10 months I've learned many things.

1.  You don't truly own anything.  Everything  you have is on loan to you from God. Nothing is yours forever.  Praise Him for everything positive in your life.  Give thanks for everything big and small, from your family to that cup of coffee you drink each morning.

2.  You can survive  your worst nightmare.  It won't be easy but it is possible to make it through.  You will learn many lessons on the journey.  You will have many thoughts and emotions both good and bad.  You will think things and wonder how could I have ever thought that, or even said that in some cases but it's all part of healing.

3.  You will meet all kinds of people along the journey.  Some of these might be where some of those thoughts came from.  Sometimes when people are enduring a difficult journey I've learned sometimes all they need is a hug, a smile, or just a shoulder to cry on.  Advise is good, but sometimes total strangers if they find out what happened say some pretty awkward things.

4.  You don't always make progress.  There are many regressions along the way.  Sometimes I'll go days, weeks or even at times a couple of months where I'm really making progress and then I'll have a set back.  I've been in a setback recently.  Maybe it's his upcoming birthday, or the anniversary of his death but I haven't been making progress lately, more like treading water.

5.  You need a strong support system.  People who understand that sometimes you need to be around people and doing things, and sometimes you just need to be alone with your thoughts.  I'm blessed to have Jimmie.  He is my loving supporting other half.  He helps me through each day.  I couldn't ask for better friends and family.  Not everyone has as strong a support system as I do.  I'm thankful for that everyday.

6.  It's ok to ask for help.  Sometimes you might need it right after it happens, other times it might be a while before you are ready to ask for help with healing.

I'm thankful for each of these things I've learned for they are making me a better person.  I am stronger, more empathetic, less judgmental and I'm learning patience.  I always said Kaleb was put on this earth to help me work on my patience and my peace making skills but he taught me so much more in his brief life.

As I wake up each day I'm going to find something to be thankful for that day, whether it's the sun in the sky, the ice tea I'm drinking for breakfast or the shoes on my feet.  I'm going to remember to focus on the positives and work on making myself a better person to ensure that one day I'll see him again.

10 months

Friday was a rough day for me.  It was the 15th.  10 months since we lost Kaleb.  It was one of those sneak attacks.  I've been doing pretty good on the month anniversaries the last few months, but for some reason when I looked up to check the date to write on something it hit me hard.  Maybe because usually I realize that date is coming up and July had just flown by and how could it have got to be the 15th and I didn't realize it.  As the day progressed it got better.

It's hard to process that 2 months from now is 1 year.  I think the anniversary being close is starting to make things hard to process again.  How can it be almost a year.  We've talked about it and chose to go away for the anniversary.  When will I be strong enough to face one of the "important" dates without running away?  I don't know, but I know it's not yet.   His birthday is next month.  I boarded the dogs for the weekend.  Not sure what we'll do yet, tossing around a couple of ideas, but I'm not ready to be here yet.  His birthday and our anniversary are only 6 days apart so we'll take a weekend anniversary trip.

Maybe when we get back we will go to the cemetery and release some balloons or something for him.  I'm not sure.  I don't want to celebrate the day he died.  I'd rather celebrate his birthday for the time we had with him.

I just made his Facebook page a memorial page because I didn't want his birthday popping up on everyone's reminders.  I know if it popped up on mine it would have broke me down.  10 months later and I can finally do it.  It would have been his 18th.  A day he was planning on to sign up for the military.  The only thing I've really found that keeps the depression at bay is staying busy especially exercising.  That helps so much.  It makes my brain think about other things (mainly pain and the need for oxygen) besides Kaleb.  It's hard to be depressed and thinking about him as much when you are having to concentrate on just breathing.

How are you suppose to handle these dates?  The birthdays, angel-versaries and dates which are significant to your family.  I know other people make it through these days everyday but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  There are different types of grieving.  I'm a runner apparently.  If I'm here I know I'll dwell on the negative and the sad stuff.  If I go away, not to take significance away from it, but you can't be as sad if you are on a mini vacation, or a full vacation.  Your days are packed with things to do.  The hours will go by faster instead of dragging by.  So for now, I'm still a runner.  For my family, I hope they understand, I still can't face it on those days.

I do think we've really started to find a routine and are getting used to the empty nest life.  We've done pretty good with that part of it.  One day I'll get a little better at handling the special days but for now I'll just keep checking out for a few days at a time.  So for those that want to judge, judge away.  I really don't feel to guilty about it.  It's what I need as a mother, as a person and as a survivor of suicide.  I've learned sometimes it's OK for it to be about our needs.

Pokemon Go-Kaleb's Missing It

For anyone that didn't know Kaleb personally, he was a self proclaimed gamer.  He wanted to play minecraft online for a living.  That was one of his career goals.  I remember that conversation vividly.  We had it in the kitchen at the old house.   I might have told him he needed a backup plan because he wasn't living in my basement as a grown up playing video games.  I know that was a stereotypical statement from watching to much tv and to many commercials.  I know there are people that make good money with video games, but I'm sure they are few and far between.  And honestly if I could take that statement back I would, he could live in my basement forever playing video games if he was still here, but hindsight is 20/20.  Onto the reason for this blog.  Pokemon Go.

Pre-Minecraft Kaleb at one time had quite a collection of Pokemon cards.  (Which we did give away after his death)  Excuse me if I use wrong verbage or call things by the wrong names but Pokemon and Minecraft were two things I never understood.  I'm not real good with imaginary concepts.  After listening to all the hype over the weekend I downloaded Pokemon Go just to see what the crap people were looking at because at least it wasn't just a bunch of cards.  There was an app with a map that you could see.  I picked up a few pokeballs and captured a few pokemon, even started an egg in an incubator, then I deleted the app.  I know with my type of personality (Kaleb came by it honestly) that would be easily addictive and could overtake my everyday life.  At least I can admit these things.  That's why I don't have a garden in Farmville anymore (if that game even still exists)  You shouldn't plan your life around when your imaginary crops are ready.  (In my opinion)  Now real crops are a different story.

KALEB WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS GAME.  There have been things I've been sad that Kaleb has missed since he's been gone.  He missed Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Tyler & Steph's wedding, 4th of July.  These are things that I missed having him there for and he would have been ho hum about.  But this is the first thing that he is missing that HE would be sad about.  I can honestly say if he were still alive I have no doubt he'd have skipped work and been running all over town with friends trying to capture these imaginary little ugly monsters.  He'd be at the gyms battling and would have formed or joined a team.  This would have taken over his life.  It would have brought him much joy.  So while there are things he's not there for that make me sad, this has actually been a little different.  Now he's missing stuff that he would have loved.  This might sound selfish, but I really hope there aren't any Pokeballs in Heaven but that there are a ton of rare Pokemon because I hope he's missing out on something he would have loved. He can't catch a Pokemon without the Pokeball and it'd drive him nuts not being able to do anything about it.  Turn about is fair play, we're missing out on Kaleb and he was something that we really loved and there isn't anything we can do about that.

It's Real

Did you wake up and go to work this morning? I did. Have you talked to you kids lately by phone, text, messenger or some other means? I have too. Have you worked hard to give them a good life and raise them with values and respect. I've tried hard to. Do you have tons of pictures of them as they grew up? Me too! While you were pregnant did you read baby "how to" books?  I know I did.   There are many families that have a lot in common.  One of the things is thinking they'll never be impacted by something bad.  That always happens to someone else.  You feel bad it happened for them, you say your prayers being thankful for the safety of your family, you do what you can to help them out.  We've done all those things also for people around us but you never know when something could happen to your family.  We could have been more educated about teenage suicide.  I'd never read a book about it, or knew the statistics.  I never knew the face of a suicidal person looked normal.  Maybe I watched to much tv.  I thought people always announced they were suicidal and asked for help.  That's not the case.  I thought it was always troubled kids who had been in lots of counseling and didn't have any friends, they were withdrawn and antisocial.  That's not always the case.  You have to know the signs and look for them.  You have to reach out and talk to your kids about it.
You might have talked to your kids about sex and STDs, talked about what to do if they are bullied but do they know they can come to you if they are having bad thoughts and are suicidal?   Do they know there is an open channel of communication available to them?   Even if they don't feel they can talk to you, do they know there are counselors at their schools, help lines available by phone and now there is even a text line since kids are more likely to text now than make a phone call.

These pictures are a lot more fun to take

  


Than these.
 


Crisis Text Line -  741-741  can text from anywhere in the world
National Suicide Prevention Hotline  1-800-273-talk (8255)

Put that Crisis Text Line in  your child's contacts.  It can be used for any type of crisis not just suicide.  Teach them it's OK to ask for help.

Spread The Word

Decided to start a facebook page for spreading suicide awareness.  Then I can separate my facebook and this page.  Some people aren't in a place where they can talk about it, or where they are comfortable reading about it.  By creating the page I can post regularly and people choose to follow that page so I don't have to worry that I'm creating another problem.

I invited several of you to like the page.  If you didn't receive an invite and you want to follow it search pages for "Kaleb's Story" or click on the link below.  I'm hoping to use that page to spread statistics, helpful information, inspirational quotes and my blogs that are specifically about our experience.  If you choose to like the page I ask that you share it on your feeds to try and get the word out.  To my surprise there have already been several people I don't know that have liked it.  That makes me think it's getting out there.  It went over 100 likes in the first day.  It's almost to 150 now.  It's not a store that sells something and gives away free things.  It won't run specials to get a good deal, but it will provide education.  Ways to approach the subject of suicide with kids specifically.  I want to lean more towards educating about teenage suicide because that is what impacted our family.  There are different organizations out there targeting different areas of suicide prevention and I'll share some of those links as well in case you want to follow them also.

I'm not big on public speaking.  I don't know how to organize functions, or do big fund raisers but I do know how to use social media (sometimes more than I should).  Hopefully this will be my way of contributing to the fight.  But to do that, I need your help.  To get pages out there and seen it takes people sharing it and spreading the word.   So I ask whether you choose to follow the page or not, please share this post with a link to the Kaleb's Story.  I only have so many friends on my list, but those friends have many more on each of their lists all over the world.

Thank you for helping.  I hope to help decrease the number of parents who "find" their child, or get "that phone call".  But in addition hopefully by spreading awareness it will help kids not get to that point.  They will seek/accept help earlier.

Link to Kaleb's Story on Facebook.

https://m.facebook.com/kalebsstory/

Suicide Awareness - B1 Pledge

The Jason Foundation (jasonfoundation.com) was founded by a father who lost his 16 year old son in 1997 to suicide.  His name was Jason.  He started this foundation to bring awareness and stop youth suicides.  Not talking about it, isn't what brings change.  Education and making people aware of the "signs" to look for.  Also letting people know what resources are available.  You can't help someone if you don't recognize the signs.  

Youth Suicide Statistics

 Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2013 CDC WISQARS)

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18. (2013 CDC WISQARS)
• More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.
• Each day in our nation there are an average of over 5,400 attempts by young people grades 7-12.
• Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs

The Jason Foundation has also partnered with Rascal Flatts to for the B1 Pledge.  The link below will take you to a brochure about how to B1 for a friend.  It's about how to watch for signs and to what to do if someone needs help.   

http://jasonfoundation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/b1_brochure_layout-11.pdf

Take the pledge and B1.  Know the warning signs.  

Warning Signs

Four out of five teens who attempt suicide give clear warning signs.

Warning Signs of suicidal ideation include, but are not limited, to the following:

• Talking about suicide
• Making statements about feeling hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• A deepening depression
• Preoccupation with death
• Taking unnecessary risks or exhibiting self-destructive behavior
• Out of character behavior
• A loss of interest in the things one cares about
• Visiting or calling people one cares about
• Making arrangements; setting one’s affairs in order
• Giving prized possessions away

Along with these warning signs, there are certain Risk Factors that can elevate the possibility of suicidal ideation.

• Perfectionist personalities
• Gay and Lesbian youth
• Learning disabled youth
• Loners
• Youth with low self- esteem
• Depressed youth
• Students in serious trouble
• Abused, Molested or Neglected Youth
• Genetic predisposition
• Parental history of violence, substance abuse, or divorce 

You may be the first and last person to see these signs in a young person.

The last statement is the one that gets me.  YOU may be the first and last person to see these signs in a young person.  YOU can make a difference, not by ignoring the silent epidemic but by not being afraid to get involved.  Make a difference in someones life.  Give them a future. 

Suicide Took My Full Time Job

We were talking the other day about how sad it is to see kids being neglected.  Parents not taking care of their kids.  I made the comment "Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids."  Then I thought about that statement.  Decided I wasn't the best one to give advise because I lost Kaleb to suicide.

One of my co-workers commented something along the lines about how hard I tried with Kaleb.  I was always trying to find what would work with him.  She's right.  After he died, I got bored.  It took me a while to realize why I was so bored.  Kaleb was a full time job in addition to my full time job.  He was from the time he could walk.  From the age of 1 - 5, I can't count the number of times we said. "That's just Kaleb."  He was a handful.  It sometimes took more than one person to keep him wrangled.  He seemed to grow arms and legs.  He could be into everything and running everywhere all while talking non-stop.  He was different.  Not in a bad way, just different.  He thought differently.  He communicated differently.  Watching a Dr Phil episode once about find a kids currency and you'll find a way to communicate effectively with them.  I NEVER found Kaleb's currency.  It wasn't physical objects.  It wasn't sweets.  It wasn't money.  It wasn't affection.  I never figured out what made him tick.

From the time I got up until the time I went to bed I had to make "plans" for Kaleb.  When he was smaller, it was making sure he ate something because of his food texture issues.  Making sure he didn't escape the house or call 911.  (both of those things  might have happened) If we were taking a vacation I had to make sure there were enough hands to handle the 2 older boys and keep Kaleb out of "no access" areas.  Make sure he didn't disappear in stores.  As he got older, it was making sure he had some place to go after school, someone to pick him up, or the key to the house.  Make sure he didn't miss the bus and actually made it to the house.  I got called to school quite regularly for "behavior" issues.  Nothing really BAD just small constant things.  Talking, not doing his work, talking back.  Although he didn't view it as talking back.  He felt he had an opinion and should be allowed to share his side, whether it was an appropriate time or not. By the time he got into high school it was trying to ensure he did his chores, he had rides places, that he actually went to bed at night and wasn't on minecraft or netflix all hours of the night.  And for any of you that want to say "that's an easy problem to fix." then you never spent a significant amount of time with Kaleb.  Prior to Kaleb, I'd have said the same thing.  He had a teacher one time that told me "he'd break him" during our parent teacher confernces.  At first I was mad, then I realized, nah, Kaleb had this.  By the end of the year they'd just come to a mutual agreement to agree to disagree.

I loved him the same as I love all my children.  You love each child differently.  I'll be honest.  It's not that you love one more than others, there are just different kinds of love.  And you love different things about each of  your kids.  I loved his independence.  I loved his ability to talk to anyone.  I loved that he wasn't afraid of conflict, if he was passionate about something he was going to make you understand why.  We butted heads more times than I could count but I wouldn't change it for anything.  That is who Kaleb was.  It was his job to challenge me to be a better person and to work on my peace making skills.

Kaleb was in no way an innocent child who did no wrong.  He was a full time job.  I always said if I had Kaleb first he'd have been an only child.  People thought I was kidding but I wasn't.  I'd have never had time to try and have another kid.  It took all of us to take care of Kaleb.  Us, his brothers, my mom and dad, sisters & brothers, nieces, nephews, friends we all were fully invested in him.

That's the only job I've ever been fired from.  That was terminated suddenly with no planning.  The whole village that had worked so hard to raise Kaleb was fired.  We all have time on our hands.  Don't get me wrong.  I worry about my other kids.  But again, it's a different kind of worry.  I worry about them from an innocence aspect.  They might not know how to handle a situation.  Kaleb was more of a cause and effect.  He had no ability to reason out if I do this, then this will/could happen.  His ADHD was severe and through his special ed testing his impulsivity was off the charts.  There was no telling what he would try or do if the thought got in his head.  I was fired from this job because I didn't stay ahead of him.  I kept him semi-safe from the world and vice-versa but I didn't keep him safe from himself.  There was a chapter I missed covering in the book of life.

My boys will tell you, I was long on speeches and examples and what to do in this scenario or that scenario.  I never covered what to do if you are contemplating suicide.  I never said, come to me, come to someone and get help.  I'm done having kids but hopefully from this someone else will learn that there is another chapter that needs to be covered.  I thought the cover it up condom speech was difficult but I knew it was important so we had it.  I'd cover this one in a heartbeat if I could go back.

Parent Shaming-Just Don't

So many headlines lately about "negligent" parents.  Parents who should be charged with a crime for not ensuring their child's safety.  It makes me thankful to be surrounded by good strong people.  I'd like to cover this from a grieving parent's side.  I lost my child to suicide.  It wasn't an accident as happened with the alligater but I'm sure there are people that think we could have done something different.  There are people who think we could have done better.  We could have got help for him.  We should have known he was suffering.  We shouldn't have owned guns or ever showed him gun safety.  My response to these people would be:  What do you think we think about every second of every day?  Do you not think we second guess everything we have ever done raising our boys?  I'm sure these parents have those same feelings.

Social Media has made the world a whole new place to raise children.  Whether it's the innocent picture of the worn out child sleeping in their carseat that the parent is shamed for having the chest clip to low or the straps to tight, the shoulder belt not properly placed, the wrong carseat for the size of the child, or they are forward facing versus rear facing.  The picture of the little kid taking his first bike ride all alone without training wheels that the parents are so proud of the accomplishment and they are going to be torn apart because he was in the road in front of his house, the helmet wasn't the right one for his age, or his bike seat was to low.  Everyone has an opinion, everyone can find something on the internet to back their opinions.  A lot say they were just trying to educate the parent. Let them enjoy their child. They think they could do it better.  It's not my place to judge.  There are truly parents out there that are negligent and abusive, but for the most part they aren't the ones posting these cute loving pictures or videos.

I can speak for the 40 something year old generation, we were raised before carseats were mandatory and before seatbelts were required.  When parents smoked in the cars with their kids with the windows up.  We rode on the tailgate of pickup trucks and rode our bikes without shoes.  We didn't all survive.  There were accidents.  And that's what they were, accidents.  It wasn't because our parents didn't love us, or because they didn't take care of us.  I know mine did because they let me have a childhood.  They let me fish on the side of the river where there might be a water moccasin.  They let me in our pasture where there were cows.  I rode my bike in the road without a helmet and slept with my bedroom window open.  It made me who I am today.  I have experiences to draw from.  It taught me common sense.  I learned that if you give  your perch to the snake it leaves you alone, don't run from cows, watch for other traffic and that wasps can get in screens if your window is up.  I also learned that if you don't wear your seatbelt and someone has to slam on the brakes it hurts, so maybe I'll wear my seatbelt.  That I hate cigarette smoke and I'll never smoke.  That if you hit a big bump in the truck you'll fly right off that tailgate so maybe I should hold on.  That if your foot slips off the pedal of your bike and you don't have on shoes you might just scrape off the end of your big toe, so now I wear shoes when I'm on a bike.

My opinion, You have to let your children learn from their mistakes.  You do everything you can to teach them right from wrong and keep them safe.  Mine were lectured regularly about why they shouldn't smoke.  They were in carseats from the time they came home from the hospital.  They learned why they have to look both ways to cross a street.  Right down to elevator etiquette and the proper way to exit and enter an elevator and trust me there is a right and a wrong way. But you know what when it came down to it there were times as they got into the teenage years where they pushed the boundaries and at times I let them make their own mistakes.  That's how they are going to learn.  I worked hard at being a good parent.  You know what, I still lost a child.  Not by an accident, but by something much worse, again,  in my opinion.  By his own hand.  I had a close relationship with my boys. Still do with the other 2.  I don't know what I could have done to protect him from himself.  Does it make me a negligent parent?  Does it mean I loved my children any less than someone else?  I'm thankful I didn't receive the negative publicity these other parents have because I can't imagine adding that burden on top of losing your child.

Let them be little.  Bad things sometimes happen to good people.  We need to come together as parents and build each other up instead of tearing each other down.  And trust me I'm guilty also.  I got a picture the other day and I almost messaged back to get his seatbelt on him right.  But you know what, he was loving what he was doing right then.  I don't know if they were stopped, or if he just moved the seatbelt over some for the picture so I chose not to respond because they are good parents and while it might not be what I would have done he was in a carseat with a seatbelt on.  The world isn't perfect.  I know people that have survived crashes only because they WEREN'T wearing their seatbelts.  So sometimes it pays to break the rules.  When it's your time, it's your time.  It won't matter how you are wearing your seatbelt, or if you were wearing shoes on that bike.  If you were walking in a foot of water, or walking beside the water on a beach.  It's life.  Sometimes even the happiest place in the world can be saddened by an accident.

Searching for Memories - what'd we miss? Suicide Prevention

Heading to Kayak summer of 2014.
Exhausted......Mentally worn out.  How'd we go from a normal everyday family to survivors of suicide loss?

Vacationing in Florida in 2010
Where'd the little boy go that was our encyclopedia?  Our book of knowledge.  Our comedian.

Deep Sea fishing at 11 years old.
The one that could do anything the big boys could do.  Never met a challenge he wouldn't take on.

Branson 2014
Our poser.  Always ready for a photo op!

Christmas 2014
Who knew that'd be his last Christmas gifts?  The last Christmas pictures of the whole family.

Doing what he loved March of 2015
Making plans to enter the military when he turned 18.

Spring Break 2015
Never showed fear.

Mr Independent.  Never met a stranger.  Traveled to Seattle and back, alone at 16.  Took selfies with the old man next to him on the plane to send me.  And I'm sure talked his ear off the whole way.

August 17th, 1st day of senior year of high school, 3 days after his 17th birthday.

Does that look like the eyes of a kid that less than 1 month later will take his own life.  When you envision a kid that is suicidal, is this the picture that comes to mind?  It wasn't mine. He had a loving family, a nice home, a car, a job, friends.  He had a great childhood growing up with good memories of vacations.  He'd experienced a lot in his 17 years.  Traveled across the country.  Marked many things off his bucket list.

How is this all we are left with?   Pictures.

Talk to your children everyday.  See if they need anything, not just physical but emotionally.  Trust your gut, if you feel something is off, don't shrug it off as being overly protective and think "they'll let me know if they need something".  Even asked repeatedly the day of his death, he still refused help and assured everyone he was fine.  He had all the right answers to make us believe him.

If you or someone you know ever feels like suicide is the only way out.  Think of everyone you are leaving behind.  Whether it's your family, your friends, your pets.  Who is going to take care of them when you are gone?  They will grieve for you and be lost in themselves.  Ask for help, reach out to someone.  Below I've posted the link to the national suicide prevention website.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

When Your Scars Define You

  I'm new to the group.  A group I never even knew existed.  A group I never knew how many people were actually a part of.  A part of a statistic that no one talks about.  There are different subgroups within the group.  My subgroup would be mother's of children who have died by suicide.  There are fathers, there are siblings, there are friends, there are spouses, there are children whose parents died by suicide.  Everyone of us share a pain that is unimaginable.  These groups grow by the thousands everyday.  You're a part of the group for the rest of your life.  You can't drop out if you stop paying  your dues.  You can't send in a card cancelling your membership.

I've had many people reach out to me, mainly other mothers who have lost children of various ages.  They've shared things that helped them cope, they've shared support groups and resources, and just offered their phone numbers to call for support as being someone that's gone through it.  I didn't ask to be a part of this group.  I don't want to be.  But it's life now.  For us there is no other option but to move forward.  This is who we are now.  In a way it does define us.  We may not have a physical scar for the world to see but it's there.

Do you see the scar in my eyes?  They aren't as happy as they used to be.  No one has ever wondered how I was feeling because I wear my emotions on my face.  Whether I'm angry, happy, sad, carefree you can see it in my face.  I've threatened lately to buy a shirt that says "This is my happy face".  I'm joking, but it reality it's pretty true.  Used to if I was deep in thought, or working through a problem I'd get the look on my face.  Now I guess I have that look most of the time because I get that question a lot more "What's wrong?"  or "What are you mad at?"  It's not every second of everyday because there are times I work hard to fit in and look normal.  Now it's a physical effort at times to have conversations, or to joke around.  I used to be a jokester and loved to make people laugh.  Now I'm not as quick on the draw and I almost have to make myself joke sometimes because my heart isn't in it like it used to be.  I am a LOT more conscious of people's feelings and their emotions.

Do you feel it in my heart?  It physically hurts sometimes.  And not like heart attack chest pain (not that I know what that feels like) it's a physical pain when I am reminded of him or sometimes if I'm just thinking about it.  It's a tightness and an ache that is truly a physical pain.  Maybe hearts truly do break because I can feel it in mine.  A part of it is broken. It was the "Kaleb" part of my heart it doesn't work like it used to.

Do you feel it in my legs.  Don't get me wrong I'm not a skinny person. I'm not young and I'm not fast but I can feel the "weight" in my legs.  Not my physical weight, but the weight of carrying that broken heart and the scarred eyes.  It takes more effort to put one leg in front of the other and keep moving forward.  My philosophy is, I'll just use it like exercise.  It makes you sore and you feel worse before you feel better but if you keep going you start to see the difference.  So everyday I put one leg in front of the other and walk myself through the day.  Some days are better than others and I might get more miles on the legs.  Other days as long as they hold me up, that is progress.  It means I didn't give up.

I will never give up.  I might have to invest in that shirt that says "This is my happy face" and I'll wear it proudly.  I know I'm strong and I might not look as happy as I used to, feel as good, or move as quick but I'm still here.  Working to make each day a little better.

What Happens When You Kill Yourself

I read an article or Q & A type thing on facebook today.  It actually brought tears to my eyes and I got chill bumps as I was reading it because of the raw emotion I felt. Basically the question was asked "What happens when you kill yourself?'.  The answer was given not about what happened to that person but how it impacted there family, friends, teachers and even just acquaintances. While the description didn't fit our family exactly it was a girl and she was the older child it was close.  This would be my answer. You may ask, why do I feel qualified to answer this question, because I am this mother and we are this family.  This is our nightmare everyday.

Q:  What Happens When You Kill Yourself?

A:  Your step-father will come home from work and think you are sleeping.  He will try to wake you up only to realize you weren't asleep.  He will call your mother at work and tell her "Get home now.  Don't ask questions.  Just get home."  She will drive home as fast as possible praying that anything in the world is wrong except the truth, only to get home and collapse in tears and disbelief.  The tears and crying won't bring you back no matter how many she sheds, or how hard she cries, she can't fix it for you or for her family.  Her family is shattered apart.  Your mother will have to tell your brothers, your grandmothers and your biological father while he's across the country, that you are dead.   Your brothers will cry like they've never cried before because they loved you.  You were their baby brother.  One of "the boys".  They don't remember a day when they didn't have you as their brother.  Your friends will come together and make shirts in honor of you.  They will group together crying as they remember you.  Your dog will stop playing and just lay in the house lost without you.  Your aunt and your mom's friend will have to come "clean up" the house before people can come over to give their condolences.  Your parents will go to a funeral home and plan a funeral for their baby boy. There will be over 600 people at your funeral. You impacted each one of their lives in some way. Your friends will put together a video to play at  your funeral of pictures and videos they compile from their cellphones.  Showing the love you had for life and showing how much they loved you. Your JROTC team mates will honor you by placing stickers on your coffin.  They will walk bravely up there with their stoic faces and so many of them will crack and show emotion as they place that sticker.  They will embrace each other.    Your friends in their uniforms and your cousin who flew in from his post in the Marines will carry  your coffin.  They will fold the American Flag that your best friends dad had embroidered for your coffin.  It will have your name, your date of birth and the date you died.   They will have practiced hard prior to your funeral because that's not something they'd had to do before.  Your mother will kiss your cold hard forehead one last time before they close your coffin.

Your family will move out of your childhood home the next week because they can't handle being in it.  There are nightmares and things they can't handle.  Your brothers will have to repeat some classes from that semester of college as they missed school and then weren't always completely focused through the rest of the semester.You have friends that will seek counseling to help them through.  They will struggle with grades and behaviors as they learn to deal with the loss of their best friend, their boyfriend, their ex-boyfriend.  Your youth group will gain new members as your friends try and find something to help them deal with all the emotions.  Your teachers will wonder if there was more they could have done, or what they could have done differently.

Your parents will go to your grave site for the rest of their lives to decorate your headstone.  They won't plan gifts for the holidays, they will plan different sprays to coordinate with the holiday.  They will learn to plan around the anniversary of your death, your birthday, your graduation day and holidays because they will not be able to handle those days in public.   They will look through old pictures just to see your face and hear your voice.  They will always wonder "why?".  There will always be something that reminds them of you whether it's a song, or a smell or a car and in that one second they will tear up and all the pain will return.

So what happens when you kill yourself is you pass your pain tenfold to everyone around you to bear for the rest of their lives.  You alter the paths of those who surround you forever.  And no matter how bad a day you are having, if you give it an hour, give it a day, give it a few days, ask for help, anything, there are ways to make it better.  Once you complete suicide, there is no second chance.   You are gone and everyone you loved and who loved you are stricken with the worst possible curse ever. In their mind, every single day, they think that they couldn't love you enough to make you want to stay.  No matter how heartbroken they are it won't change the past.  You are forever gone and they never got to tell you goodbye or give you one last hug and kiss.

The Dreams

Most nights I look forward to dreaming of him. Last night was terrible. It was dream after dream of bad dreams. Woke up at midnight from the first one. Got back to sleep and was up again at 3 short of breath and chest hurting from apparently trying not to cry in my dream. I dreamed his whole funeral all over again except he sang at the funeral in my dream. But it wasn't Kalebs singing voice. Love my son to death and he loved to sing but he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. But in my dream he sang the sweetest song on pitch and everything at his own funeral. Trying to make it through that song in my dream and hold it together must have woke me up.

Working in the medical field isn't always a blessing sometimes you know things you don't want to know. Because the last dream some how I was Kaleb laying in the coffin and everyone was debating over me for open coffin or closed and I (being Kaleb) was trying to tell them closed because I feel "seepy" and I won't be able to hold it in during the service. (If you have to ask you don't want to know)  In case anyone was wondering we did closed casket because I requested it. No reason other than I didn't want a bunch of pictures out there of Kaleb in his coffin in the Internet for me to forever run across. It was a completely selfish reason because others were ok with an open casket but I wasn't. Maybe that's why I had the dream because I convinced everyone to leave the casket closed for all but the family at the cemetery. Was it selfish? Probably but in 10-15 years majority of people are going to think of Kaleb occasionally but I'll still be  thinking of him everyday.   So I used that to help me with the reasoning behind the decision.

Normally my dreams with him in it are happy and I wake up refreshed. This morning I just wanted to wake up because they were terrible.  Guess that is one of the backwards steps. Now to start marching forward again. And hopefully to a peaceful nights sleep. I'll never say I hope I don't dream about him because even in the bad dreams I get to see him. Just hoping for a little bit of peaceful rest.

Depression vs Life

In the last 8 1/2 months I've experienced every emotion known to man.  The highs, the lows and everything in between.  By the end of this month I will have had a child die, a child move out of state, and a child get married all in the last 9 months.  We've moved twice.  Went from homeowners to renters.  Went from a house full of kids to empty nesters.  My perception of what is normal has changed completely.

There have been 2 major "traumas" in my life that have truly affected who I have become today. 1. My dad dying.  That shook my foundation  to the core.  I talked over every decision with him prior to making it.  We didn't always agree but he always listened and gave me his opinion.  I became more independent then, less naive and hardened a little bit.  2.  Kaleb's death.  I just thought I had experienced pain before in my life going through the first  "trauma".  Until that day I truly didn't know what pain was.  There is a pain that is almost greater than you can endure.  And in some cases it is greater than people can endure.  This one had almost the opposite impact of the first one.  I learned it's ok to cry.  It's ok to accept help.  It's ok to not always be the strong one.  From this I became softer and more compassionate.

From Kaleb's death I've also learned that there are times I'm not going to be ok.  Sometimes it's just for a few minutes, or a couple of hours.  Other times it might be for the whole day.  There are specific days I know will always be rough.  Then there are things that happen out of the blue that just hit you and there is nothing you can do to keep the emotion from overtaking you.  

As we've learned to accept our new normal and function from day to day, the everyday things have gotten a little easier.  But the ache of missing him has got a little worse.  I guess because more and more time has gone by without seeing him.  My mind knows he isn't coming back and I'm sure there will be a turning point with this also where you finally reach the point where you can't miss someone anymore than you do and it will set in that it's a forever feeling.  Maybe then it will start easing up a little bit.

We watch some show about people living in the wilderness in Alaska.  One couple, lost one of their young daughters to drowning.  They are much older now and their other daughters are grown and they talk about her on the show.  You can see the pain they still go through even now.  I know that is my future, to always speak of Kaleb in the past tense.  Even knowing these things and accepting them, you can't control how you react to situations.  Whether it's the truck that is always in our neighborhood 6 houses down with RIP Kaleb 9/15 permanently on the tailgate,  a song on the radio,  or something as simple as picking up dog poop.  Kaleb hated that chore and probably put up the biggest arguments about doing it.  I don't think he ever understood that it wasn't a punishment, it was a chore that someone had to do.  Now that he's gone it's my chore.  So while I clean up the backyard a lot of times I think of Kaleb and the many arguments we had about poop.  Probably some of our most heated discussions came about this chore.  Was it wrong of me to give him a chore he hated? I still stand behind my decision to not cave and swap the chore with another.  Sometimes life isn't fair and you have to do things you hate.  You can't pick and choose what you deal with in life.  Trust me, if you could we wouldn't be dealing with this trauma because we'd have switched it out with one that doesn't hurt as much.

One Day At A Time (from a few days ago)

Still working on that happiness.  We went camping this weekend with friends.  Took their boat out and did some catfishing.  These are things that make me happy.  Relaxing and being on the water.  Times like that can help you feel like your life is normal.  Which I guess it is normal now.  Coming back to reality is still the hardest part.  Walking into a house that's empty.  Since we board the dogs the house is always quiet and still when we get home.  Those first few minutes, even though we're busy unpacking, are still reminders of what isn't waiting for us at home.   There are no dirty dishes in the sink.  We come home, unpack and go on about our day.  Just us.

I'm the happiest when I'm outside.  That's why I hate winter because I can't handle cold weather and I can't stand being cooped up inside.  So being out on the water fishing makes for a great day whether we catch fish or not although I'm usually not quite as whiny if I'm catching fish. We're hoping to eventually get the dogs where they can go out on the boat with us.  We haven't attempted it yet and we'll probably have to try it one dog at a time.  Goober will probably be ok, he should stay in the boat.  Nash loves water so we'll have to watch him.  I could see him just walking off the side of the boat to get in the water.

In the next few weeks we have several birthdays.  Tyler is 22 on memorial day, Jimmie and Austin both have birthdays in June plus the wedding in June so it will make for a busy month.  There are still times that even thinking about happy things can bring me to tears in an instant.  Something made me think of grandkids and somehow just thinking about what the future might hold for us made me tear up.  It's the little things.  A song, a thought, a smell, any of these things can bring me to tears within seconds no matter how good my day may be going.  Then it takes some deep breaths and calm thoughts to get back to an even balance.  But it can zap your joy in seconds.  I don't know how long these times will last, or maybe they will last forever but these moments are now the hard spots.  We've found our new normal.  We're following our new routine.  It's the small bumps that you don't see coming that can send you spinning out of control in a heartbeat.  The memories on facebook today from last year, was my post about where we expected to be this time this year.  I took life for granted before.  I expected it to follow my plan.  I know it's not my plan that matters, it's His plan that will play out.  Just when you think you have everything figured out you realize you knew nothing.  We've spent 8 months rebuilding our lives one day at a time.  We'll continue going one day at a time for a little while longer.  At first it was second by second, then minute by minute, hour by hour.  I think we're to day by day now.  We're making progress.  We may not make progress everyday, sometimes we lose a little ground, but as long as we don't allow ourselves to be consumed by grief we will continue moving in the right direction.

36 Tuesdays

it's been 36 Tuesday's since we saw you. That's about how many Tuesday's we waited to meet you after we found out we were expecting. That's 8 1/2 months without hearing your voice. We're doing better now. Sometimes we make it through the day without crying. Sometimes we don't. Life is different now. Laughter doesn't come as easy. Life isn't as carefree. Each minute seems so much longer, each hour is like a day. We've passed so many firsts and yet still have more to come.  You're still on so many people's minds as they try to make sense of life. We talk about you often. I dreamed about you last night. You were playing in the front yard with Ryan as you were learning to do handstand push ups. Then we all went swimming and it seemed so real. The only thing that clued me in was the for sale sign in the yard. And the house we went to wasn't ours.

So much has changed in 8 short months yet so much is still the same. Our love for you has not faded even though your voice has. We never knew how strong we were until we had to go on without you. I can't understand the pain you were in that would cause you to leave but I know the pain I'm in now that you are gone. We all miss and love you and What I wouldn't do for one of your nasty sweaty hugs.  Maybe these are things we should have said aloud more often. Maybe you didn't understand how much you meant to us. Now all I can do is write them to you in words that you can't hear. What I wouldn't give to say them to your face but my job here isn't done.  I've got people here who need me.  You've drawn us all closer and given us a special bond.  It's not a bond we ever imagined we'd share but it's one we'll share together.  It takes all of us together to make it through without you. Each of us together helps us make it through the day.  We love you Kaleb. Happy 36 week "Angel"Versary. Hope you've learned to work those wings and learned the words to all the songs the Angel choir sings.

Funny stuff

My life use to be hysterical. You never knew what was going to happen at our house. Or what was going to come out of mine or one of the kids mouths much to Jimmie's dismay.  We spent a lot of time laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief thinking "only me" this could only happen to me. These are the things I miss most about being empty nesters now. Before I probably laughed, like really laughed at least once a day.  Now I laugh at some things but there have only been a few hard belly shaking laughs since we lost Kaleb. I could make light of just about any situation. Now I'm not sure if I don't have the energy to find things funny, if my sense of humor has changed or if this is just part of the new normal.

 If this is new normal, I'll be working to change it. I want happy me back. But then you get into guilt thinking about happy me. How can I truly be happy again? It's not fair to Kaleb.  I can't be happy after losing one of our kids. I know this is skewed logic and isn't what Kaleb would have wanted but it's still in my head. Whenever I start to experience joy or happiness something reels me back in.  People have always said I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my facial expressions tell you everything you need to know. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a happy face. Eyes squinty from grinning so big. Happiness through and through. I'm ready for that face to return.

Being around people my age or older I've never felt like I belonged. I still had a young spirit and mind. Physically I might be their age but I'd never admit it. I'm still young. I'd rather hang out at the kids table at holidays and play sports outside than I would do the grownup stuff. Today for one of the first times ever I looked in the mirror and I felt my age. I felt all 43 years weighing down on me. I decided right then that it's time to change. I'm not going to feel guilty if I laugh or enjoy life. I'm going to learn to live again and be young. I'm going to be that person that people say "She's not really 43 is she?"

I think my social anxiety has gotten worse since losing Kaleb. Don't get me wrong I've never liked crowds or talking to strangers but now I feel judged by everyone. I feel like the person people feel sorry for or if someone asks "Who is that?" The answer is "remember my friend who's son killed himself? That's her."  And while these things are true to some extent, I know a lot of it is made up in my head. I want to go back to being Karen. Or Tyler's mom, Ryan's mom, Kaleb's mom. Yes Kaleb is dead but I'm still his mom.

My goal after today is to continue putting myself out there. Letting people see you can make it through anything if you believe in yourself. I'm going to show people, it's ok to be happy again. I want people going through a tough time to be able to say "she did it, so can I."  I'm not saying I won't be sad, or I won't cry because I will. But I'm going to enjoy the flip side of that coin also. I'm going to be happy.  This isn't a place I ever could have got to alone. It has taken people dragging me along at times. Pushing me forward and even being brutally honest with me and telling me when I'm losing it and need to make a change. That's not always something you want to hear but that's when you know you are surrounded by people who truly love you. And how could someone surrounded by that much love not be happy?  If there is one thing I learned from the movie We Bought A Zoo it's that sometime all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and something good will come of it. What will come of it for me is happiness and holding my head up high again. Feeling young and not letting this weight break me down.  So here's to living life twenty seconds at a time.

Our New Normal

A new house, a new routine and a new perspective.  I've written before about trying to find our new normal.  There are a lot of things that we are getting used to.  I remember where to turn to go home now, that's a big step for me.  I've very routine driven.  I am loving living on the complete opposite side of town.  There is NO TRAFFIC.  I always complained about the traffic on 59 but I never realized how much I truly hated it until we moved away from it.  We probably live about the same distance away from work, but it's a 5 minute drive instead of a 15 - 20 minute drive.  And 3 minutes if I hit all green lights.  I'm getting used to having free time on my hands and not juggling multiple schedules.  Trying to build new routines has been hard because I don't always have a lot of motivation.  Sometimes just making it through the day exhausts me so when I get home I sit on my butt and don't move.  I  have to be conscious of that and make sure to have a plan for what to do when I get home, whether it's walking the dogs, exercising, cooking dinner, anything to keep me from doing nothing.

Doing nothing is bad.  Doing nothing means I start slipping backwards.  Going down the dark hole.  I start digging through old files on my phone, old pictures and old facebook posts.  It gets me to dwelling in the past instead of continuing to make progress in moving foward.  I get quiet and according to those around me when I'm quiet that's not a good sign.  Even though people have always told me they wished I was quieter apparently that's not what they meant.  So I've started planning my evenings now.  Meal planning helps, I then have to go home and make dinner instead of eating a bowl of cereal.  It's also a little healthier.  Thank goodness for Pinterest and a never-ending supply of new recipes to try.

Something that surprises me now is that it's harder for me to talk about our other kids.  I've always been a descriptive person and while I have no problem saying Kaleb is deceased, or died, I can't talk about my other kids.  I still have problems referring to them as my oldest, or the middle one.  And I still can't say "the boys" I guess their new name is "the other boys".  When speaking of all our kids it's "our boys" so it includes Austin and my 3. It doesn't bother me as much to say that one for some reason.  It hits me every time I start to say something about them and try to call one of them my oldest, or my middle one even though that is what they still are, I stutter over it because its like a knife through my heart.  Why I can talk about Kaleb and not have an issue I have no idea, when I will tear up while talking about my living children.  In my mind when I say "the boys" there is a mental picture stamped in there of the 3 boys. Whether it's the picture of them on the day of my grandfathers funeral, or the coffin picture we always took at Silver Dollar City.  The 3 of them is the definition of "the boys".

As Tyler is preparing for his marriage and Ryan is going out on his own I'm doing ok with those things.  I'm loving the idea of having a daughter-in-law.  Steph is so sweet and caring.  Seeing her and Tyler start their life together is very exciting for me. They are making their own family.  It's a new branch on our family tree. Ryan is following his heart and doing what he feels is right for him and I'm good with that.  Him being further away just gives me an excuse for road trips.

The way I look at things is so much different than before.  I've always been pretty laid back unless you really tick me off and then everyone knows you better run once I lose my temper.   I'm a realist and analytical.  I think through problems differently than most people.  I used to stress a lot about things I couldn't change, things that really didn't matter.  Now I'm here for the experience of life.  I'm going to love every minute of it.  I still get down sometimes.  Last week was hard and I shed plenty of tears with Mother's Day coming and going but still I love my life.  I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and that I know will do anything for us because they have literally put their lives on hold to help us.  Life is what you make it.  You have to surround yourselves with positive things.  You have to decide that the past is truly the past and you are still here for a reason.  I'm gonna make the most of the time I have.  I'll always miss Kaleb with all of my heart.  There will always be a piece of me missing.  But there is a whole lot more of me that is still here.  I could choose to try and find blame, and be negative and turn sour because I wasn't dealt a winning hand every time, or I can keep laying my chips on the table and enjoy the game called life.  Now I have the Kenny Rogers song running through my head. Gotta know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.  I'm not running away I'm running full speed head on into the future.  And you're welcome for now getting that song stuck in your head also!