What Happens When You Kill Yourself

I read an article or Q & A type thing on facebook today.  It actually brought tears to my eyes and I got chill bumps as I was reading it because of the raw emotion I felt. Basically the question was asked "What happens when you kill yourself?'.  The answer was given not about what happened to that person but how it impacted there family, friends, teachers and even just acquaintances. While the description didn't fit our family exactly it was a girl and she was the older child it was close.  This would be my answer. You may ask, why do I feel qualified to answer this question, because I am this mother and we are this family.  This is our nightmare everyday.

Q:  What Happens When You Kill Yourself?

A:  Your step-father will come home from work and think you are sleeping.  He will try to wake you up only to realize you weren't asleep.  He will call your mother at work and tell her "Get home now.  Don't ask questions.  Just get home."  She will drive home as fast as possible praying that anything in the world is wrong except the truth, only to get home and collapse in tears and disbelief.  The tears and crying won't bring you back no matter how many she sheds, or how hard she cries, she can't fix it for you or for her family.  Her family is shattered apart.  Your mother will have to tell your brothers, your grandmothers and your biological father while he's across the country, that you are dead.   Your brothers will cry like they've never cried before because they loved you.  You were their baby brother.  One of "the boys".  They don't remember a day when they didn't have you as their brother.  Your friends will come together and make shirts in honor of you.  They will group together crying as they remember you.  Your dog will stop playing and just lay in the house lost without you.  Your aunt and your mom's friend will have to come "clean up" the house before people can come over to give their condolences.  Your parents will go to a funeral home and plan a funeral for their baby boy. There will be over 600 people at your funeral. You impacted each one of their lives in some way. Your friends will put together a video to play at  your funeral of pictures and videos they compile from their cellphones.  Showing the love you had for life and showing how much they loved you. Your JROTC team mates will honor you by placing stickers on your coffin.  They will walk bravely up there with their stoic faces and so many of them will crack and show emotion as they place that sticker.  They will embrace each other.    Your friends in their uniforms and your cousin who flew in from his post in the Marines will carry  your coffin.  They will fold the American Flag that your best friends dad had embroidered for your coffin.  It will have your name, your date of birth and the date you died.   They will have practiced hard prior to your funeral because that's not something they'd had to do before.  Your mother will kiss your cold hard forehead one last time before they close your coffin.

Your family will move out of your childhood home the next week because they can't handle being in it.  There are nightmares and things they can't handle.  Your brothers will have to repeat some classes from that semester of college as they missed school and then weren't always completely focused through the rest of the semester.You have friends that will seek counseling to help them through.  They will struggle with grades and behaviors as they learn to deal with the loss of their best friend, their boyfriend, their ex-boyfriend.  Your youth group will gain new members as your friends try and find something to help them deal with all the emotions.  Your teachers will wonder if there was more they could have done, or what they could have done differently.

Your parents will go to your grave site for the rest of their lives to decorate your headstone.  They won't plan gifts for the holidays, they will plan different sprays to coordinate with the holiday.  They will learn to plan around the anniversary of your death, your birthday, your graduation day and holidays because they will not be able to handle those days in public.   They will look through old pictures just to see your face and hear your voice.  They will always wonder "why?".  There will always be something that reminds them of you whether it's a song, or a smell or a car and in that one second they will tear up and all the pain will return.

So what happens when you kill yourself is you pass your pain tenfold to everyone around you to bear for the rest of their lives.  You alter the paths of those who surround you forever.  And no matter how bad a day you are having, if you give it an hour, give it a day, give it a few days, ask for help, anything, there are ways to make it better.  Once you complete suicide, there is no second chance.   You are gone and everyone you loved and who loved you are stricken with the worst possible curse ever. In their mind, every single day, they think that they couldn't love you enough to make you want to stay.  No matter how heartbroken they are it won't change the past.  You are forever gone and they never got to tell you goodbye or give you one last hug and kiss.