The Dreams

Most nights I look forward to dreaming of him. Last night was terrible. It was dream after dream of bad dreams. Woke up at midnight from the first one. Got back to sleep and was up again at 3 short of breath and chest hurting from apparently trying not to cry in my dream. I dreamed his whole funeral all over again except he sang at the funeral in my dream. But it wasn't Kalebs singing voice. Love my son to death and he loved to sing but he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. But in my dream he sang the sweetest song on pitch and everything at his own funeral. Trying to make it through that song in my dream and hold it together must have woke me up.

Working in the medical field isn't always a blessing sometimes you know things you don't want to know. Because the last dream some how I was Kaleb laying in the coffin and everyone was debating over me for open coffin or closed and I (being Kaleb) was trying to tell them closed because I feel "seepy" and I won't be able to hold it in during the service. (If you have to ask you don't want to know)  In case anyone was wondering we did closed casket because I requested it. No reason other than I didn't want a bunch of pictures out there of Kaleb in his coffin in the Internet for me to forever run across. It was a completely selfish reason because others were ok with an open casket but I wasn't. Maybe that's why I had the dream because I convinced everyone to leave the casket closed for all but the family at the cemetery. Was it selfish? Probably but in 10-15 years majority of people are going to think of Kaleb occasionally but I'll still be  thinking of him everyday.   So I used that to help me with the reasoning behind the decision.

Normally my dreams with him in it are happy and I wake up refreshed. This morning I just wanted to wake up because they were terrible.  Guess that is one of the backwards steps. Now to start marching forward again. And hopefully to a peaceful nights sleep. I'll never say I hope I don't dream about him because even in the bad dreams I get to see him. Just hoping for a little bit of peaceful rest.