10 months

Friday was a rough day for me.  It was the 15th.  10 months since we lost Kaleb.  It was one of those sneak attacks.  I've been doing pretty good on the month anniversaries the last few months, but for some reason when I looked up to check the date to write on something it hit me hard.  Maybe because usually I realize that date is coming up and July had just flown by and how could it have got to be the 15th and I didn't realize it.  As the day progressed it got better.

It's hard to process that 2 months from now is 1 year.  I think the anniversary being close is starting to make things hard to process again.  How can it be almost a year.  We've talked about it and chose to go away for the anniversary.  When will I be strong enough to face one of the "important" dates without running away?  I don't know, but I know it's not yet.   His birthday is next month.  I boarded the dogs for the weekend.  Not sure what we'll do yet, tossing around a couple of ideas, but I'm not ready to be here yet.  His birthday and our anniversary are only 6 days apart so we'll take a weekend anniversary trip.

Maybe when we get back we will go to the cemetery and release some balloons or something for him.  I'm not sure.  I don't want to celebrate the day he died.  I'd rather celebrate his birthday for the time we had with him.

I just made his Facebook page a memorial page because I didn't want his birthday popping up on everyone's reminders.  I know if it popped up on mine it would have broke me down.  10 months later and I can finally do it.  It would have been his 18th.  A day he was planning on to sign up for the military.  The only thing I've really found that keeps the depression at bay is staying busy especially exercising.  That helps so much.  It makes my brain think about other things (mainly pain and the need for oxygen) besides Kaleb.  It's hard to be depressed and thinking about him as much when you are having to concentrate on just breathing.

How are you suppose to handle these dates?  The birthdays, angel-versaries and dates which are significant to your family.  I know other people make it through these days everyday but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  There are different types of grieving.  I'm a runner apparently.  If I'm here I know I'll dwell on the negative and the sad stuff.  If I go away, not to take significance away from it, but you can't be as sad if you are on a mini vacation, or a full vacation.  Your days are packed with things to do.  The hours will go by faster instead of dragging by.  So for now, I'm still a runner.  For my family, I hope they understand, I still can't face it on those days.

I do think we've really started to find a routine and are getting used to the empty nest life.  We've done pretty good with that part of it.  One day I'll get a little better at handling the special days but for now I'll just keep checking out for a few days at a time.  So for those that want to judge, judge away.  I really don't feel to guilty about it.  It's what I need as a mother, as a person and as a survivor of suicide.  I've learned sometimes it's OK for it to be about our needs.