Logic Vs Heart

I talked to Ryan today about Kaleb. I had ran across some old pictures of them being silly together and sent them to him. He said he missed being silly with Kaleb. We talked about our beliefs that Kaleb is free of his struggles now and that his decision wasn’t done to bring us pain but to relieve his. Logically I can accept his death. But it’s my heart that has problems with it. No matter how many times my brain tries to convince my heart that it’s ok. Kaleb is happy and pain free now. Keeping my dad company and talking his ear off my heart gets jealous. I miss him everyday.
Trying to not be angry at Kaleb takes up a lot of my emotion. Because I get mad at him for the pain he transferred to everyone else. I know he didn’t mean to but he did.
Each of us struggle differently. Some never speak of it, others speak openly of it. I get angry thinking of Tyler and Steph planning their wedding and thinking about Kaleb. I get mad that the boys miss their brother. I get mad that Jimmie has to live with the memory of finding him. Mad that his young cousins had to learn about death so early. And that his friends have had to deal with losing classmates. I know life isn’t fair and it’s all part of life. There are people that have had to deal with worse things. I try to be positive and know that God won’t give us more than we can handle and that he has a bigger plan. But I miss that boy. And that’s what he’ll always be. He’ll never transition into being a man. We’ll always remember 17 year old Kaleb. Everyone else will age except him. He’ll always be a high school senior never to graduate.
The inner turmoil is probably the hardest to deal with. Half of me being understanding of what happened and the other half being angry for how hard this has been for everyone involved. I want to learn to be completely at Peace with it. I’m working toward forgiveness. I don’t know when I’ll get there completely but I will. My blogs will not always be gloom and doom because that’s not who I am. I’ve just got to win the battle of finding the new me, that has accepted Kaleb’s death and is learning to live again.
We had a date night last weekend. That’s a step in the right direction. We are learning to do things and plan things as a couple. We’re slowly moving in the right direction but we aren’t there yet. Some days are harder than others. Today marks 28 weeks. That seems like so long while it also seems like yesterday. Enjoy your families, document all the big events either with pictures or journals. Because no matter how much you do that, once they are gone it’s never enough. Don’t be afraid to take a chance. If you have a dream go for it. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy. It might take hard work and sacrifice but it will be worth it end in the end to make your dream come true. Find something that makes you happy and go for it!