Some Days are Just to Much

For all the times people have told me “you’re so strong”, “I can’t believe how well you are doing”, and so on there are times like today. Though they are becoming spaced out more I’m guessing I jinxed myself earlier this week when I said I hadn’t had to just leave work “just because” in a while. It’s been a busy few days and I haven’t been sleeping to well this week, so last night I took something to help me sleep. My body finally got a good nights sleep but I guess my mind didn’t rest as well. I woke up tired, not physically but mentally. Made it through exercise class with no problems but just wanted to come home and crawl back in bed. But I won’t do that because I won’t let this beat me. I got dressed and went to work knowing if I could just distract myself I could get out of the funk.
I tried all morning to find my motivation, to get into the work. I was weepy all morning but kept taking deep breaths thinking I could make it. I took some medicine to try and get control of my emotions. It didn’t really help. In my mind by now I shouldn’t have to depend on medication to get through the day. And it’s not everyday that I need medicine. Maybe once every 2 weeks. It didn’t matter what I tried I wasn’t making it through the day. I left about 3 to came home and play with the dogs.
I’m not sure how many of you watch Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge, but it’s a reality tv show where 8 competitors compete against each other in physical challenges. They have to be tough, quick and strong. The winner between those 8 people get to attempt his obstacle course. At the end of the course the people are exhausted. Barely able to move. That’s how I feel on days like today. I’m exhausted. I’m out of whatever it is that gives me the strength to get through the day. I have to stop and recharge. Go home, be by myself or with Jimmie and just do nothing.
I’ll be completely honest there for the first month or so after Kaleb died when I’d get home I poured myself a class of crown and Coke and drank it. Not to get drunk just to dull my senses. Sometimes a couple each night. Jimmie was able to show me how that wasn’t helping me it was just covering up the pain. So now if I feel the need to drink I don’t.
So what’s the purpose of the blog, I’m really not sure other than it makes me feel better to record my feelings and thoughts. I miss Kaleb. I miss our perfectly normal boring life. Suicide might end the pain of the person who completes it but it passes it on to everyone that loved that person. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope never to see repeated by anyone.