I miss funny carefree me. Wisecrack me. Don’t get me wrong there have been sometimes in the last 4 1/2 months where I’ve laughed and I’ve laughed hard. I’ve cracked jokes and had a good time. At first it made me feel guilty because how could I be laughing. I know life goes on and and ours is going on. But I’ve changed. I believe people change throughout their life. I think I’ve changed from a optimistic, carefree, gullible, naive young person to carefree, realistic, still a little gullible but not nearly as naive adult. There are many things in life that help us change, some good and some bad. Marriage, divorce, jobs, death each of those things help build us into who we are. The part of me that I miss most is carefree. Now I feel I am fearful, realistic, still gullible and not really naive.
I’ve always been a big believer in “it will work out how it is suppose to”. I disciplined the kids, but I knew if I taught them right and wrong it would work out. With money issues, there is always a way and we can make it, sometimes are just leaner than others. With marriage it takes patience, understanding and support. I haven’t always been the best wife. I’m very opinionated and boy do I have a temper. It takes a lot for me to finally lose it, but when I do most people run. This is something I am working on, using more listening skills and less talking skills.
I don’t think there is anything I’m really “afraid” of. Things like heights, death, roller coasters I’m not afraid of those. I’ve separated fighting dogs, I’ve kicked a rottweiler that was trying to attack my dog and I’ve literally thrown a person out of our office by the back of their shirt while dressed as Uncle Si. Each of those got my adrenaline pumping and made me mad more than scared. I can handle difficult situations. Might not always like to do it, but I CAN do it and I’m not afraid to handle situations.
Fear to me is something different. I don’t like the feeling of fear and I think fear and being afraid are 2 different things. Fear to me is something you dread happening. Being afraid is what you are at the time something is happening. Fear is what I feel when I watch scary movies. Something is going to happen and I don’t like not knowing what. My biggest fear is losing a child or my husband. It’s something I don’t want to happen. I fear failing and disappointing others. I think fear is part of what’s taking away my “carefree” self. A fear came to pass and now there is more fear. Could something else bad happen? This is what I need to work on. My fears are impacting others. Logically I know you can’t live in fear. It takes away your freedom and your ability to do things. You shouldn’t fear the unknown, I’ve got to learn to embrace it again. I will learn to trust in Him. By doing that, while I will never be who I was, I can get back a part of me that I’ve lost, that in my opinion, was a positive attribute. Others around me depended on me to bring that to the table. It was a balance. I want it back. I don’t want to fear each phone call or text message. I don’t want to expect the worst. Hopefully knowing what I need to work on will help me to notice when I’m going these things and work on correcting them. (Hasn’t worked to well on my eating choices, but maybe I can apply it better to this.) And although I’m working on this, I still won’t watch scary movies. That hasn’t changed and never will. They give me nightmares. I don’t like nightmares. I want to write funny blogs that make people laugh and not sad ones that make people cry. I want to bring joy to people and not sadness when they see me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’m not sorry, I don’t wish my life had been different, I don’t regret my first marriage. Each of those things made me who I am today. They made my children who they are. Yes, loss made me sad and it hurt but it happened and it’s complete. Instead of dwelling on the negative fear of what could happen, I will get back to the carefree attitude of all the positives the day can bring.
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