How can it be that so much time has passed since I heard his voice? I still have all his text messages. I may never be able to change phones. Or at the least I’ll have to keep this one forever. It was my last communication with him. Is it a sad day, a special day, or just a regular old Tuesday? There is no holiday for 6 months of passing. The world continues on and I’m sure until people read this there will be a lot that don’t realize the significance of the date. It’s just a regular Tuesday in so many peoples lives. And for us, it’s now a “normal” Tuesday. Other than we are taking off half day from work. It’s sort of like the other days I’ve scheduled off this year. The day of graduation and the anniversary of his death. I could pretend that I’m strong enough to think I’m going to be fine on these days, or I can admit there are still days that are rougher than others and plan accordingly. I’m a planner so I’ve planned accordingly.
Our house is quiet, our routine is changed and our grocery bill is hardly anything. This is what happens as kids leave home. It’s not a lot different than when the other boys left other than there are no phone calls, or text messages. We have a spare bedroom set up for their visits, it is decorated with some of each of their school stuff. There are art projects, and things they kept in each of their bedrooms along with various awards. The closet and drawers still have some of their old clothes in them (not really sure why, they never wear them).
I have learned in the last 6 months that you can survive unimaginable loss and complete devastation. I’ve learned that everyone heals differently and no way is right or wrong. I’ve learned for me healing comes in writing and from getting back to Church. It was missing from my life. There is now a need on Sundays to go to church. When we miss it seems like I don’t have as much Peace the next week. I need that couple of hours of fellowship.
So I’ll say 6 months later we are close to finding our new normal. It’s not the normal we planned for or even the normal we wanted but it’s our normal. We will survive. We will continue moving forward one day at a time. Some easier than others but still getting through each day. Anyone reading this if you have kids take a minute today and reach out to them. Let them know you care and will always be there for them no matter what. Ask if there is anything they need or want in their lives that is missing. Give them a chance to speak and don’t assume you know what they are going to say. Slow down long enough today to make sure your kids realize their importance in your life. We all get wrapped up in busy schedules and it’s easy to let the most important people get pushed to the side because we think they will always be there when we get a chance to slow down. That’s not always the case. Make time everyday for the ones you are closest to. You never know when it will be your last time to tell them you love them, or goodbye.
The last time I saw Kaleb I left him at the gas pump putting gas in his tracker. He waved goodbye as I left. My last words were “don’t forget to text me the amount, love you.” i still see him standing at the gas pump. I’ve never been back to that gas station and probably never will be. do they realize that in their parking lot it was the last time a mother saw her son alive? No. It happens everyday around you and no one talks about it. That’s why it’s called the silent epidemic. No one realizes how many obituaries you read in the paper are from suicide. People lie about cause of death or circumstances. Or never speak of it again so they are not embarrassed. I’m not embarrassed and I’m not being quiet about it. Kaleb was never afraid to talk about taboo subjects or speak of things most people would never dream of talking about. That was what made Kaleb who he was. I will continue that. If I can inspire, or educate someone to make a difference then that’s one less person that might have ended up a statistic. My child is a statistic, our family is a statistic don’t let your child become one to because it can happen to anyone! There is no profiling when it comes to suicide, it hits the rich and famous, the middle class, the poor and the homeless. We won’t save everyone but we can try.
So I’ll say 6 months later we are close to finding our new normal. It’s not the normal we planned for or even the normal we wanted but it’s our normal. We will survive. We will continue moving forward one day at a time. Some easier than others but still getting through each day. Anyone reading this if you have kids take a minute today and reach out to them. Let them know you care and will always be there for them no matter what. Ask if there is anything they need or want in their lives that is missing. Give them a chance to speak and don’t assume you know what they are going to say. Slow down long enough today to make sure your kids realize their importance in your life. We all get wrapped up in busy schedules and it’s easy to let the most important people get pushed to the side because we think they will always be there when we get a chance to slow down. That’s not always the case. Make time everyday for the ones you are closest to. You never know when it will be your last time to tell them you love them, or goodbye.
The last time I saw Kaleb I left him at the gas pump putting gas in his tracker. He waved goodbye as I left. My last words were “don’t forget to text me the amount, love you.” i still see him standing at the gas pump. I’ve never been back to that gas station and probably never will be. do they realize that in their parking lot it was the last time a mother saw her son alive? No. It happens everyday around you and no one talks about it. That’s why it’s called the silent epidemic. No one realizes how many obituaries you read in the paper are from suicide. People lie about cause of death or circumstances. Or never speak of it again so they are not embarrassed. I’m not embarrassed and I’m not being quiet about it. Kaleb was never afraid to talk about taboo subjects or speak of things most people would never dream of talking about. That was what made Kaleb who he was. I will continue that. If I can inspire, or educate someone to make a difference then that’s one less person that might have ended up a statistic. My child is a statistic, our family is a statistic don’t let your child become one to because it can happen to anyone! There is no profiling when it comes to suicide, it hits the rich and famous, the middle class, the poor and the homeless. We won’t save everyone but we can try.
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