A book

blog copied over from Previous Blog Site

I’ve caved. Since Kaleb died I’ve been journaling, facebooking and now blogging to help me express my thoughts and deal with my emotions. They aren’t always pleasant things to read but there have been a lot of people that have commented and messaged me saying I should write a book. I’d say I’d think about it or I might but now I’ve finally started piecing it together.
Right after he died I met several people who had experienced this type of loss with one of their children and one of the common things they told me that helped them was journaling. So I gave it a try. My journal has always been personal to me. I’ve gone back and based a couple of my blogs on pieces from my journal but other than that it’s private. The good, the bad and the ugly. And trust me some of it is pretty ugly. I went through anger stages where I was pissed at Kaleb, at myself, at God, at the world. Then I went through poor pitiful me stages. Why me??? But I’m so thankful for having started the journal. So much of those first few weeks are a blur. If it wasn’t for my journal I wouldn’t remember a lot of what happened. I don’t think my mind could comprehend and store all of what was happening through the pain.
Now I’m starting to use those things and however it turns out I’ll publish an e-book somewhere down the road. Not to make money because I’m hoping there aren’t as many people out there as I think there are that have been impacted but to try and help someone. There was so much I never knew and didn’t know how to handle going through this. I’m thankful to the other parents and siblings and family members of other suicide victims that reach out to me. Maybe putting this together can help someone. Or maybe another mother can read it and know she isn’t alone in her thoughts or feelings when they aren’t always the nicest ones. Mothers are suppose to be loving and caring. But after Kaleb died I got mad at him. I have yelled at his grave. I’m hurt by his decisions or inability to control his impulses. Even though I know he felt it was his only choice and he just wanted the pain to go away I still was angry. So as I write this book I will include the wonderful ways people have reach out to us and helped us. I’ll include the ugly emotions I went through. I’m going to put it out there for people because so many chose to help me. Maybe just knowing you’re not alone will help someone be able to heal from a tragic death they never saw coming.