We’re coming up on 17 weeks. With the other boys gone back to college for the semester, I’m back to having to find things to keep me busy. Having ADHD is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others. It’s a blessing in that I’m easily distracted. So if I start getting down when I hear a particular song or see an old picture I had forgotten about, then sometimes all it takes to slow the downward spiral is just someone to interrupt my thought process and then the sad thoughts are forgotten about. But it can be a curse because if I let myself I can hyperfocus on the loss. I don’t know how many people actually experience hyperfocus. Basically if I start reading a book or playing game (doesn’t matter what kind video, card, computer) it’s hard for me to be interrupted. I can tune out everything. It can happen if I’m watching TV or deep in thought. Drives Jimmie nuts He can have a whole conversation with me and I never realize he said a word. Kaleb suffered from this also. Lord forbid you interrupt him while he was Minecrafting. So when I start getting consumed by grief as long as I can interrupt myself and redirect my focus then I don’t completely lose it.
When I can’t get redirected it’s usually because multiple things trigger it. I started last night when I found the last box of stuff to unpack. It had school paperwork in it. Old school pictures. Old birthday and Mothers Day cards. Ok I could redirect myself from that. Then got up this morning and my phone memory was full. My largest memory usage is my photos and videos. This required me to go through my phone and make decisions of keep or delete. So was still a little emotional when we got to church and in the preservice music they played “Brother” which most of you probably don’t know is a song Kaleb texted to Tyler and Ryan the week before he died. So they think of that song as him watching over them. Then our pastor’s Mother had passed away last week so there was a short video montage dedicated to her. It’s times like that where I have to work hard to focus on something other than grief or it will consume me.
The downside to redirecting myself is then I feel guilty for not letting myself dwell on Kaleb. Sometimes it’s like I can’t win for losing. So for the most part I’m thankful for ADHD I think it is helping me through this process. My brain is wired to look at every scenario and figure out which one has the most positive outcome. So even taking the time out to write this blog has helped me. I’ve had to concentrate on spelling and grammar. Even though this was about Kaleb the actual writing process helped me focus on other things.
I read things on other blogs or posts on some of the suicide sites on Facebook and I feel such sympathy for the people who are all consumed by their grief. And can’t seem to look past it. I’m very thankful for the brain I have. While I may forget birthdays, or get sidetracked and not follow conversations, I may not be the most observant, but it’s definitely helping me work through this process. So I’m going to look at it as a Blessing because without it I could very well be lost in our world of grief.
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