One of the things I’ve found difficult while working through this process has been staying focused. As the majority of everyone reading this knows I’m an office manager for an independent primary care office. Kaleb died on a Tuesday afternoon. It was a payroll week and 2 weeks before ICD 10s came into play, those are busy times for me. When it’s a small office you have one person who does payroll. There are a lot of small jobs that only one person does. With the ICD10s while it’s not an everyday change, it was the biggest change to hit medical billing that I’ve ever experienced. For those of you not in the medical field just imagine the way you get paid completely changed. Every code we bill, everything we do had to be changed by 10/1. I was off the 3 days following his death planning the funeral. I came back the next Monday. Then it gave me something to focus on. I had deadlines to be dealt with. The first few days it was hard to get through. Everyone here knew Kaleb. He was a patient here. He’d spent a few afternoons sitting in my office at the clinic, or doing filing for me while waiting for a drs appointment, or waiting for me to get off work. There are reminders everywhere. I’m working through those. I was here when I got the phone call, so making it through the first few Tuesday afternoons was extremely difficult. I had to leave early a few times. Honestly, I work for the best people in the world. They never asked questions, they have let me work through this at my own speed and take the time I needed when I wasn’t strong enough to be here.
Now it’s been a while since I just “needed” to leave. There are still times when a memory comes up, or a song, or sometimes I don’t even know what causes it. I’ll step out the back door and get some fresh air. I’ve become one of the best fibbers you can imagine. I have meetings with people from insurance companies and drug companies and salesmen. Some of these people I’ve known quite a while. They learn your history, they ask how the boys are doing? Or how we enjoyed the holidays. Right now if people aren’t close to me and aren’t aware of what has happened as they ask “How are the boys?”. My response is a standard, “great”. ”How were your Holidays?” They were good and yours?
My coworkers know how I really feel. They usually pick up on when I’m struggling. They have been so supportive. I told them early on not to “avoid” the topic. I’d rather be open and upfront about it. If they have questions I’ll answer them. I’ve learned it’s ok to tear up during a conversation. I can make it through most conversations about him, or what happened, or how we’re doing without doing it, but occasionally it still happens. But for me the worst thing that could happen would be not talking about him. He existed. He was loved. He will always be a part of our family. I do worry sometimes in writing this blog or when I talk about him with the other boys I hope it doesn’t make it harder on them. I know until now I was never good at dealing with death. I don’t know if you are ever good with it, but like my Grandma Davis was the first grandparent to die. It was so hard for me to go to her house afterwards and see my Papa. After my dad died, it crushed me. At least I thought it did. I used to drive past the “place” on the road everyday on my way to work where I was when I got the phone call from my brother telling me daddy had died. I was on my way back to the hospital when he called. I worked at the hospital so of course it was the same road I took to work. To me that was hard. I remembered every morning as I drove into work that I was “right here” when I found out daddy died. Now I sit at my desk every day knowing I was “right here” when I got the call about Kaleb. What is strange as hard as it was for me to deal with Grandma Davis (she was the first grandparent I lost) and my dad’s deaths, I honestly feel like I learned how to accept death after Kaleb died. Now I’m at Peace with my grandparents passing and my daddy’s passing. I know it’s a part of the circle of life. While it hurts to say good-bye each person is only here for a set amount of time and each person’s time is different.
On the days that I’m struggling it’s really hard for me to focus on everyday tasks. There are so many things I’d rather be doing. I can’t get into the work like I could before. That’s a problem that I’m having to work through. Not being focused means I’ve made mistakes and I don’t like to do that. I know everyone does, but it doesn’t mean I like it. At first work was a distraction from the pain, now I can’t stay as focused on it as I should. My goal this week is to get through the stacks on my desk that need sorted through. Make sure I’ve got everything done that needs to be done. Year end is over. Just finished the first month end for 2016. We’re into the 2nd month now, we have a lot to accomplish this year and I’ve got to get my head into it. Normally I’d come in and close the month over a weekend if I have that option, but now I’d rather just come in early on a Monday a do it. While I still love my job and everyone I work with it doesn’t bring me the same joy it did before. It’s that way with a lot of things in life now. My priorities have shifted and in some cases that’s probably for the best, but in others, like work that’s a problem. This has been one of the bigger struggles I’ve faced is the ability to become a productive, proactive team member again.
When I research “grief” and all the different ways people deal with it. One of the common things is you don’t get over it. You learn to live with it. And that is in every aspect of your life. It doesn’t just impact your family and your relationships with friends and other people, it impacts how you do everything in your life. Nothing is the same. It reminds me of the song from Tim McGraw, ‘Live like you were dying”. I’ve always loved the song but now I know how precious life is and I want to truly do that. I want new experiences, travel to new places, see new things. Financially you can’t do everything all at once, but when opportunities arise, I know now to take them because you might not get another chance. While the song was about something different you can apply it to so many different things. We are all working towards the day we die. So truly we should all live like we are dying. So I’ll continue to work on getting my focus back on work from 8-5 anytime after that you are going to find me living life to its fullest. Whether that’s playing ball, walking or running with the dogs, trips to the property or traveling when we get the opportunity I’m done letting life pass me by. I don’t know how many days are left in my plan. So I have to get busy emptying that bucket-list. So who is down for going sky-diving? It’s been on the list the longest.
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