As you read this blog I’m not looking for compliments or assurances on if I am or am not a good mother. This is more the internal argument that is always being battled within my head.
I know we aren’t suppose to judge others and I try really hard but there are times I fail. And a lot of those times have to do with how people treat their kids. I hate seeing kids ignored or left to their own devices. Especially young kids. I believe they need guidance and encouragement. But also a dose of reality. Ask my kids I’ve never been one to “let” them win. Or to give them false praise if what they attempted wasn’t a win. I would always give them props for trying. But I’m not a believer in the everyone should play, everyone should win, everyone is great at all they do. I believe in trying out for teams. If you make it great, if you don’t try harder next year or find something that might fit who you are a little better. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to do it. I can only go with my gut and my instinct of what is right to raise my kids to try and prepare them to be members of a cruel society that isn’t always fair.
My step-son was grown when Jimmie and I were married so my experience is only with my boys. I always said when they were little because they were so close together in age I wouldn’t know if I was doing it right or wrong until it was to late. Honestly I’ve lost my philosophy. I understand different kids need different things. Don’t get me wrong, I understand mental illness from a logical aspect but my heart and my soul are in constant battle of did I do it right or did I do it wrong. I have 2 boys in college, with scholarships who have excelled in life. And I have 1 son who chose to end his life. So did I fail him??? Should I have been more strict or more lenient. The old saying it takes a village to raise a child. We tried that philosophy with Kaleb. He spent time with other family members trying to give him what he needed, he stayed with family friends, he spent a month last summer in Seattle with his dad. We all tried. In his mind, and I know it was the ADHD and depression and whatever else he might have struggle with, it was never what he needed. I know he thought the world was against him. We struggled regularly with anger management. But as a parent I always thought the trials he went through were like that of other kids. The older boys weren’t always happy with my decisions or if they were told no. They got grounded and sometimes made bad decisions. But they learned from those and I believe strongly it helped to mold them into who they are now.
Logically I know what the problem was but my heart feels like I failed. 66.6% is a D. 2/3s of my children made it to adult hood. So applying the philosophy I used to raise my children maybe I wasn’t the best mother. No matter how logically I look at what happened. No matter how many times I run it through my head. I don’t know how to change the outcome. But back to the philosophy I used to raise the boys. Why was I hard on them, why did I always push them hard and tell them the truth even if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. Because life isn’t fair. You are given trials throughout your life and you have to learn how to continue to move forward. So while I’ll always wonder why me, why him, what did we do wrong, This is my life. The cards I’ve been dealt. I can choose to self destruct and be of no use/good to my family or friends or I can put on my big girl panties and work harder to be better. Because that’s what I taught the boys. I will carry on, I will try harder, I will work on ensuring I make a difference somehow. I will find what I’m good at and I’ll give it my all.
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