6 months

In 2 weeks it will be 6 months. 1/2 a year. How can it be possible? There are times it feels like we’ve been living this nightmare forever and then other times it feels like it was just yesterday that it happened. Don’t get me wrong, not every minute of every day is a nightmare. There are still many joyous times that we share. Preparing for the wedding is a great distraction. Going to Mena for a weekend vacation was a great distraction. But there are some many parts of our lives that have changed. The things we do are still the same but how we do them is different. We’ve made it through maybe 1/2 his boxes. Had to start doing it while Jimmie was home. If I was home working on them alone I could feel myself slipping a little further into depression. We have learned that I become withdrawn and pull into myself when I’m struggling. If you know me, you know I talk A LOT. Might not be about anything really important, might not make sense to anyone but myself but I talk a lot. So apparently it’s pretty easy to pick up when I’m struggling a little because I get quiet. I have a lot of people who check on me when I get that way.

A couple of days ago the friend I’ve known the longest and that has known me over 30 years tagged me in a story on Facebook. It was called “The Morning After I Killed Myself” I reposted it onto my wall. It really hit home with the permanency on Suicide. It’s not something that gets better, or that you can beat. Once it happens so many lives are changed. I’ve always imagined how my kids would turn out. What they’d be. What they’d look like. I never imagined what if one of them committed suicide. That wasn’t even something that was in the realm of possibilities.  And yes I said committed suicide.  Who knew there are politically correct ways to say some one died by suicide, was killed by suicide it doesn’t matter how you say it, they are still gone.  So why all the political correctness.  If someone is choosing to discuss it that already means they are going against the stigma by discussing Suicide.  Until Kaleb, I never knew anyone that had killed themselves.  At least to  my knowledge.  I remember camping once probably 20 years ago and the guy in the campsite across from us killed himself.  We didn’t know him, just happened to be camped across from him.  that was the closest I’d ever been to suicide.

I’ve learned since Kaleb died that it runs in a lot of families, there are genetic links that make people more susceptible.  I believe genetic links play factors in peoples outcomes.  They determine height (not much you can do about that), eye color (same there), hair color (there is always dye), weight (you have options there also now), chronic conditions ( back to not many options).  Apparently there have been many studies in people with ADHD and they do show an increased risk for suicide.  They haven’t determined if it’s due to side effects of medications, or because ADHD people already have a high probability of suffering from other mental illnesses.  In my mind there still isn’t an excuse.  I have ADHD.  I have all my life.  I’ve lived with insecurity.  I’m very uncomfortable in social situations.  There are some things I’m very OCD about and other things that don’t bother me at all.  My socks don’t have to be matched in my dresser, but all my shoes are lined up by category and color.  Our towels aren’t sorted by color in the closet, but they are all folded exactly the same with the same folded end sticking out.  I can look at dust on an end table for 3 days before I finally dust it off but my tanning bed is meticulously cleaned never a spot of dust on it.  My jeep can be covered in dog hair and have receipts in the cup holders but our cabinets in the kitchen are completely straight with all plastic wear matched to it’s lids, pots and pans in specific order, cups stacked by size and design.   I have learned to work from lists and reminders.  Use to be a notebook, now it’s reminders on my phone or calendar.  My point is genetic link or not it’s an excuse.  I love my sons, all of them.  My opinion, Kaleb made a mistake.  Biggest mistake he could possibly make.  He gave up.  He gave up trying to figure out how to learn to handle his condition.   While I know we aren’t “the same”.  No 2 people are, but I struggled with a lot of the same things he struggled with.   I understand not having a lot of impulse control.  I understand feeling like you don’t fit in.  You can’t control the thoughts that pop into your head sometimes.  It took me a long time and many years into adult hood to ever begin to be a confident person.  I still to this day will have times where I doubt myself, or doubt other people’s sincerity.

ADHD is hard to understand if you don’t have it.  You can’t explain it to anyone.  I’m glad I shared that with Kaleb because it gives me some understanding of how his brain worked.  I understand the constant thoughts and ideas and it never slowing down.  It’s hard to “appear” normal to other people that don’t know you because you can’t focus on what they are saying to you.  I can have a whole conversation with someone and not be able to tell you a thing they said, but tell you exactly where we were standing, if there were birds chirping in the background, if it was sunny or cloudy, and if the wind was blowing or not, but not be able to repeat one word of what they said because I was focused on the surroundings.  Having conversations with me outside is a lot hard than a controlled environment.  I can drive people who sit beside me in meetings crazy because I’ve always got some part of me moving.   Rolling office chairs that rock are the best.  Having the ability to be in constant movement while sitting still is great.  I can’t imagine what a normal person’s brain is like because mine is all I know.  But it’s not an excuse for me to do less, or to not excel.  It’s also a blessing, you think outside the box.  You can see problems before they appear because you do think differently.  We’re not confined to how things “should work”.  We can use logic and reasoning and problem-solve.   I never understood in school why I always tested into the Gifted and Talented Program.  I’m not smart, I don’t have that drive that some people have to excel.  I hated having to be in it because it meant MORE work than the normal person.  I wanted to skate by.  Now I appreciate the skills I have.  You have to learn to work with what you are given.  I can’t understand exactly what Kaleb was given, but I do know he was given a chance.  He was offered help many times over.  He had options and the option he felt compelled to take hurt a lot of people.  Politically correct or not, my son committed Suicide.  It was the path he chose with what he’d been given.  So it is something we will deal with for the rest of our lives.  It’s a path I hope never to be repeated by anyone I know, or that knows of me.  I hope from my ramblings you can see there are other options.  There are people who care all around you.  People who offer help.  Accept help when it is needed.  Life isn’t easy.  It takes hard work.

This is long and rambling, probably not many people will make it to the end of it but if you do know that it’s ok to ask for help when it’s needed.  It’s ok to talk about Suicide and raise awareness about it.  Sweeping it under the rug and ignoring the growing epidemic is not solving the problem.  Kids need to be taught it’s ok to have questions, it’s ok to seek help.  Talk to your kids, your grandkids.  Ask them about their day, ask them about their friends, get involved.  Ask them each night if there is anything they want to talk about.  Give them an outlet to not be judged and not have to worry about repercussions.  It takes a village to raise a child.  I still strongly believe this.