Empty Nest

Some people are forced into early retirement for different reasons, health, job loss or becoming a caregiver to others. We were kind of forced into becoming empty nesters about a year earlier than expected. Parts of it are great I won't lie. Being able to plan a spontaneous trip without working out details and coordinating schedules. Being able to do things at the last minute. Not having school functions all the time. Which while you are going to them it's part of life. That's where you want to be and what you should be doing. But whenever I start enjoying the freedom something is always in the back of my mind reminding me how we got that freedom. It makes me feel guilty for some reason to be able to enjoy sometimes.
Everyday we think about Kaleb and miss him. I know he'd want us to enjoy life and not spend everyday in despair from missing him but what your brain knows and how your heart feels don't always line up.
The other boys are grown and have their own lives. We visit, they visit we communicate by phone, FaceTime and text.  We see their posts on social media sites. We listen to their plans for the future.  I don't have the "guilty" feeling for enjoying life to its fullest with them out of the house. It's just Kaleb. I know one day it will be easier. Each time we plan something it's with maybe a little less sadness or regret. I wonder when his "scheduled" time to be out of the house is past will that get easier. Or will he forever be 17 and we'll never get past that feeling because he is frozen in time in our memories. We'll always have a 17 year old son that is supposed to be living with us and having the  time of his life his senior year of high school. Will it be easier next year when there is a new senior class? Will each post we see of senior pictures or cap and gown pictures not make us think of what he didn't get to experience?  Or will it still be a constant reminder of what he didn't accomplish. These are questions that will be answered as time plays out. How much of it is determined by how we view our future?  Are people capable of really getting past the different emotions you feel when you have a child that died by suicide?  We never said goodbye. We will never know why.  There are always the thoughts of what could I have done differently?  Could we have saved him some way?  The feelings of guilt for not saving him, regret for not knowing, failure for letting him down, anger over him not accepting help that was offered so many times that day.
So each day we start our morning being thankful for waking up to another beautiful day on earth. Thankful for our family and the future we are allowed with them. Thankful for the time we had with Kaleb. And each day we work on replacing the negative feelings in our hearts with more positive feelings. We are still here to make a difference in other people's lives. We are still here to enjoy the beauty God has surrounded us with. We just have to learn to embrace the spontaneity being an empty nester allows us. And know that is what Kaleb would want. He was impulsive and flew by the seat of his pants. No one could keep up with him. Maybe that's part of what I was suppose to learn from being Kalebs mom. Lighten up, do something fun on a whim. Not everything is planned in life. Good things can come out of bad experiences. Everything in our past makes us who we are today.  Everyone has gone through painful things in their past, how you handle it determines the life you will have.  I am choosing to see the positives that can come from loss.