I was so proud of myself last week. I did well. I made it through the 17th Tuesday and the 4 month anniversary and I was doing fine. Ryan and Alyssa came for a visit Sunday night and left Monday. It was great seeing them. Tyler started his new job yesterday. I’ve talked to both of them several times this week. We’ve got a great weekend getaway planned. And about 2:00 today it hit me. I guess the tide starting changing and coming in. It started with a brief thought about a friend of Tyler’s that tragically passed away recently. I thought how did his grandparents and parents get through that, I can’t imagine. Then it hit me. That’s how the old me would have thought. I never could have imagined what it would be like to lose a child. Whether to illness or accident, over time or suddenly. I couldn’t imagine. But I don’t have to imagine now. I know. IT SUCKS! I know how they felt (maybe not exactly but the general feeling). How could I forget even for a second. If you’d have asked me last year, or if I filled out one of those stupid facebook questionnaires, What’s your biggest fear: Mine was always losing one of my children. It has happened but you know what? It’s still my biggest fear. Just because it happened doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid of it.
I think each time I see the other boys, if they make a trip home, or if we go down there to see them. I have to hug them a little tighter or a little longer. There is a need there like it never was before. There are a lot of people who out of habit always hug their kids goodbye, or give them a kiss goodbye. I was one of those people before. I’d give them a hug, give them a peck on the cheek and send them on the way. Now before they leave It’s a heartfelt hug and a kiss on the cheek. I’m always afraid it will be the last time because it has been before. I didn’t hug Kaleb that morning. I left him at the gas pump, filling up his tracker. Yelling out the window to make sure and text me his total so I could write it down since he was using my debit card and that I loved him. I know he was told several times that day how much I loved him so I have no doubt he knew it, whether he believed it or not will never be known because we have no idea what was in his head that day.
This has given myself and I think the rest of our family and friends a real awakening to just how precious and short life can be. There one second and gone the next. with your Grandparents and your parents, you expect that you will lose them at some time. It’s hard to do, but it’s how life goes. Your siblings you never know who will go first but you don’t expect to lose them as a teenager, and I don’t think anyone ever plans to lose their child. So we’ll keep swimming. Sometimes are easier than others, sometimes we’re caught in a riptide, or a whirlpool trying to suck us down or out to sea, but we’ll keep working toward our new normal. Never to be the same, but acceptance with what is and hope for what’s to come.
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