Have you ever prayed you child was on drugs? I have. Have you ever prayed they were caught drinking? I have. Have you ever prayed they were caught with a girl at your house? I have. Have you ever prayed your child had a failed suicide attempt? I have. On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm. I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed my life forever. 9 words. “GET HOME NOW. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS, JUST GET HOME.” I knew then what happened. I just knew Kaleb was gone.
I was at work. I get off at 5. I walked out of my office and down the hall. I mumbled to someone that I had an emergency and had to leave. I walked out the back door and got in my jeep. I remember calling my head nurse who is one of my best friends. She hadn’t been at her desk when I walked out. She knew about the conversation I’d had that morning. I don’t remember what exactly I said but I think I told her that Jimmie had called and told me to get home and that I was scared. I knew it was Kaleb. But I honestly can’t tell you if the message I left her even made sense or what I said on it.
We lived about 10 minutes from work if there was no traffic. I had to go down the busiest street in our town and through the 2 busiest intersections to get home. I got stuck at every stoplight. I prayed all the way home. Trying to think of everything less bad than what I knew it was. I debated using the flashers and passing people in the turn lane but I didn’t know 100% what had happened so I wasn’t comfortable breaking that many laws. Finally I made it to I40. My jeep speedometer goes to 100. It’s not built for speed but I can tell you it does 100. Once on the interstate it’s like traffic was gone. There was no one around. I sped that 2 miles down the interstate knowing if I wrecked it was just myself that was injured. I exited and turned onto Dora road. I hadn’t seen any emergency vehicles. I hadn’t been passed by any flashing lights. That’s what happens in emergencies right. That’s how the movies portray it anyway. The parent always gets passed by the emergency responders. Apparently that’s not how it goes it real life. We were the 3rd street on the right. Our house all the way at the other end of the block. As I start turning onto our road I found all the lights. All the emergency vehicles, sheriffs, cops, fire trucks. I started crying. I had to weave my way up our road to get to our driveway. It was like there was a path just for my vehicle. One lane left open for me to get up there. No One tried to stop me, they just looked up. I pulled into our driveway as far as I could and I saw Jimmie. I saw it in his eyes, his face, his body. Kaleb was gone.
I remember stopping and putting the jeep in park.. I don’t remember if I turned it off or not. I still don’t remember where we finally found my glasses. Jimmie met me at the door of my jeep. I couldn’t even make it out. I just sat on the step/door frame as he held me and I cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. That was like it is on tv. Where I’ve always made fun of actors or actresses for their poor acting skills while trying to act broken. I was broken.
I know my brain is different from a lot of people’s. I have a lot of different thoughts normal people don’t have. I always run scenarios through my head and figure out what is the best outcome. What is the appropriate response. The politically correct way to act. That is the only instance in my entire life I completely lost control of myself. I waled, I cried. Jimmie held me through it all. He held me so tight. He held himself together until our best friends could get there. I don’t know how he did it. But he was my rock when I had nothing.
Then we switched roles. I can’t and won’t speak for him or what he went through that day. I can’t imagine the nightmare he endured.
To this day I don’t know how our friends got there right behind me. They came from Alma and almost beat me there. Our house was off limits. We knew people that had responded. Once I calmed down and started answering questions I realized that one of the cops lived near us and his son went to school and graduated with Ryan. They were at the same college. He knew my kids personally. I don’t know how they are able to do their jobs. I realized I had to start calling people. I called my oldest sister because I knew my mom would need someone with her when I told her. I told her I needed her to go to moms because I had to tell her that Kaleb had killed himself. Our friends kept coming. My best friend of 30 years was there. They helped me start making the phone calls. One at a time. We had to call Stephanie’s parents and try and figure out how to get to the boys before it made it on social media. I lose track then of exactly how many calls we made and how plans got made. Jimmie needed medical attention but refused to go to the hospital so he went home with our friends daughter who is a nurse. She took care of him while we drove to Russellville to try and beat the news to the boys. 1 hour, 60 minutes. That is the longest hour of my life.
Of all the scenarios I’ve ran through my head, planning our son’s funeral wasn’t one of them. So next time you are praying for your children, pray they find the direction they need in their life. Pray they find Peace.
We lived about 10 minutes from work if there was no traffic. I had to go down the busiest street in our town and through the 2 busiest intersections to get home. I got stuck at every stoplight. I prayed all the way home. Trying to think of everything less bad than what I knew it was. I debated using the flashers and passing people in the turn lane but I didn’t know 100% what had happened so I wasn’t comfortable breaking that many laws. Finally I made it to I40. My jeep speedometer goes to 100. It’s not built for speed but I can tell you it does 100. Once on the interstate it’s like traffic was gone. There was no one around. I sped that 2 miles down the interstate knowing if I wrecked it was just myself that was injured. I exited and turned onto Dora road. I hadn’t seen any emergency vehicles. I hadn’t been passed by any flashing lights. That’s what happens in emergencies right. That’s how the movies portray it anyway. The parent always gets passed by the emergency responders. Apparently that’s not how it goes it real life. We were the 3rd street on the right. Our house all the way at the other end of the block. As I start turning onto our road I found all the lights. All the emergency vehicles, sheriffs, cops, fire trucks. I started crying. I had to weave my way up our road to get to our driveway. It was like there was a path just for my vehicle. One lane left open for me to get up there. No One tried to stop me, they just looked up. I pulled into our driveway as far as I could and I saw Jimmie. I saw it in his eyes, his face, his body. Kaleb was gone.
I remember stopping and putting the jeep in park.. I don’t remember if I turned it off or not. I still don’t remember where we finally found my glasses. Jimmie met me at the door of my jeep. I couldn’t even make it out. I just sat on the step/door frame as he held me and I cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. That was like it is on tv. Where I’ve always made fun of actors or actresses for their poor acting skills while trying to act broken. I was broken.
I know my brain is different from a lot of people’s. I have a lot of different thoughts normal people don’t have. I always run scenarios through my head and figure out what is the best outcome. What is the appropriate response. The politically correct way to act. That is the only instance in my entire life I completely lost control of myself. I waled, I cried. Jimmie held me through it all. He held me so tight. He held himself together until our best friends could get there. I don’t know how he did it. But he was my rock when I had nothing.
Then we switched roles. I can’t and won’t speak for him or what he went through that day. I can’t imagine the nightmare he endured.
To this day I don’t know how our friends got there right behind me. They came from Alma and almost beat me there. Our house was off limits. We knew people that had responded. Once I calmed down and started answering questions I realized that one of the cops lived near us and his son went to school and graduated with Ryan. They were at the same college. He knew my kids personally. I don’t know how they are able to do their jobs. I realized I had to start calling people. I called my oldest sister because I knew my mom would need someone with her when I told her. I told her I needed her to go to moms because I had to tell her that Kaleb had killed himself. Our friends kept coming. My best friend of 30 years was there. They helped me start making the phone calls. One at a time. We had to call Stephanie’s parents and try and figure out how to get to the boys before it made it on social media. I lose track then of exactly how many calls we made and how plans got made. Jimmie needed medical attention but refused to go to the hospital so he went home with our friends daughter who is a nurse. She took care of him while we drove to Russellville to try and beat the news to the boys. 1 hour, 60 minutes. That is the longest hour of my life.
Of all the scenarios I’ve ran through my head, planning our son’s funeral wasn’t one of them. So next time you are praying for your children, pray they find the direction they need in their life. Pray they find Peace.
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