It's been 7 1/2 months. I'm beginning to recognize a different feeling that I don't know a word for. Tyler is getting married in June, 58 days away. Ryan is moving to Texas. They are growing up. We saw them change before our eyes into full fledged adults. When I think of Kaleb he's still, just turned 17 year old Kaleb. He was at the age where he was changing quickly. He'd filled out with muscle and grown taller over the last year. Those changes stopped suddenly like in mid-change. Austin has been grown for years, so I've pretty much always seen him as a grown up. When I think of Tyler and Ryan now it's as a grown up. They are all still our boys but they make their decisions now. They aren't dependent on us. I don't know how to describe the feeling I get when I think of Kaleb. And it's that feeling that I think brings me the most pain and tears.
I can talk about him. Can talk about the things he did. That's not a problem for me. What gets me is when I try and discuss or think about what would have been his future. That's where this feeling starts that I don't know a word for. I can look at older pictures of him easier than I can the newer ones. Like his senior picture that he'd had taken right before he died. Those are still packed away in the box the school gave them to me in. I need to put one in a frame and set it out but I haven't got there yet. That is the picture of the Kaleb we lost. The little young Kaleb was already gone. He'd grown out of that stage. So those pictures just remind me of good memories, happy memories. The pictures from last summer and the beginning of the school year this year, that was all the "grown up" Kaleb that we are going to get and it's those that bring the tears. I'm really not doing a good job of explaining this feeling. Usually words are easy for me, but this is the hardest for me to comprehend. It's like I'm at Peace with the younger Kaleb. Those times were already behind him and there wasn't anything lost there. He got to experience a normal childhood. He went to amusement parks. He went camping and fishing. He did all the normal things a growing boy does except finish the process. It's the what he didn't experience that makes me cry.
He'll never graduate or join the military. He won't feel the sense of accomplishment when you hear your name called and someone hands you that diploma and shakes your hand. He'll never get married and start a family. He'll never feel the love of seeing your child for the first time. He'll never hold a full time job and buy a house. The feeling of pride to know you own this because you worked your butt off to get it. Those thoughts are the ones that cause the feeling that I can't describe. One moment took away his Forever and created this unknown feeling that will be my Forever.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
Fishing, sunshine, Cruise night and puppies
It was a great weekend. Still have stitches in my knee until tomorrow but got out and enjoyed the beautiful weather. We went crappie fishing on Saturday. Jimmie and Charlie let me tag along. This is my kind of fishing, whether I catch any or not. It's with a reel that I can throw myself, with bait I can put on myself and you move around a lot from place to place. We went down to Clear Creek to see if we could catch any. I caught a log, a stick and something else under the water. Not a fish to be had. But there was plenty of sunshine and Peace. I'm all about that. Working on my tan. (I am 43 years old and have been advised of the risks of sunshine. I know everyone has their opinions and thoughts on the sun. I have those same ones about smoking and other bad habits but to each their own. The sun makes me feel good, it helps with my depression and definitely helps my Vitamin D levels which can always use some help. So in short, the sun makes me feel better and right now I'll take a short term fix of happy.) I did plan my outfit carefully because here in about 8 weeks I can't be having tan lines showing with my dress which is sleeveless. If you know my husband you know he rarely wears a t-shirt with any sleeves in it. First thing he does is cut off the sleeves. So my dress will meet his approval. One of us has to be sleeveless at the wedding right? After not catching anything but some sun rays we loaded up and headed in to clean up to go to cruise night.
Jimmie actually drove my jeep to Barling Cruise Night. Of course it needed gas. I had driven it that morning taking the dogs to the vet and didn't want to stop with them in there so it was just short of the gas light coming on. Got my "speech" about driving past 3 gas stations everyday on my way to and from work and not being able to stop at any of them until my gas light is on. No argument came from me because it's true. I'm guilty. I know better. And one day I'm sure I'll suffer the consequences of not having a full tank of gas and needing it. There were a lot of neat cars out there and it was nice to see family and friends.
Sunday was our "work" day. We got up early with plans to get the yard done and the flowerbeds cleaned out. We worked from 8:00 until almost 1:00. Trimming bushes (we really missed Kaleb for this), mowing, weed-eating, emptying all the old mulch, rocks and plants out of the flowerbed, planting some mums we had from Kaleb's funeral and then filling the flowerbeds up with fresh mulch. It looks better and definitely smells better around the front of our house now. So what's the first thing Goober had to do, pee in my new mulch. SERIOUSLY! Jimmie got the yard all mowed and weedeated. While he had been trimming the bushes I'd had the thought "I miss Kaleb" that was his favorite thing to do when it was yard work day (not that he liked it, but if he was going to do something it was trim the bushes into neat shapes). He'd always do the bushes. I bet neither of us had needed to do that in several years because he handled it. And that is about the only job he ever did without asking him to. I came home before and he'd taken it upon himself to redesign the bushes in front of the house. I hadn't said anything to Jimmie when I had the thought because I didn't want to make him sad if he hadn't had the same thought and it wasn't 5 minutes later Jimmie said "Damn, I miss Kaleb!" It was neat that doing that together brought us both closer to Kaleb. I know he was looking down at us thinking how much better he could have made them look.
Ryan and Alyssa came by later in the afternoon with their new puppy Marlo. They visited for the evening and we cooked some steaks on the grill then watch Jurassic World because it was Free HBO weekend on Directv. I'm not much on the Jurassic movies. I know I saw the first one, but can't say that I've seen any of the others, but it was a pretty good movie. We watched Marlo whoop up on Goober and Nash. They did great for him being so much smaller than them. They headed back to school after it was over.
Decided to try a "spaghetti pie" recipe for dinner tonight that I saw on facebook over the weekend. Came home at lunch today to "prep" the ingredients. Ok, I cooked the noodles so I could put them in the fridge for the afternoon because it called for left overs noodles. I was worried if I hadn't cooked them and cooled them off prior to fixing the pie it'd mess with the texture. Hopefully it ends up at good as it looked on facebook. If not, we'll put it on the, not our favorite, list. I'm debating making a recipe book for Tyler and Steph to have of some of the recipes we've made as a family as they grew up. They can then replicate them for their family if they so choose.
Ready to head to the dr tomorrow afternoon to get the stitches out of my knee and hopefully get a full release so I'm free to play softball if we need a player the last few weeks of the season. Still the best surgery I've ever had.
So that's a run down of a "perfect" weekend around our house. Sunshine, water, puppies and yardwork. Probably most boring blog ever.
Jimmie actually drove my jeep to Barling Cruise Night. Of course it needed gas. I had driven it that morning taking the dogs to the vet and didn't want to stop with them in there so it was just short of the gas light coming on. Got my "speech" about driving past 3 gas stations everyday on my way to and from work and not being able to stop at any of them until my gas light is on. No argument came from me because it's true. I'm guilty. I know better. And one day I'm sure I'll suffer the consequences of not having a full tank of gas and needing it. There were a lot of neat cars out there and it was nice to see family and friends.
Sunday was our "work" day. We got up early with plans to get the yard done and the flowerbeds cleaned out. We worked from 8:00 until almost 1:00. Trimming bushes (we really missed Kaleb for this), mowing, weed-eating, emptying all the old mulch, rocks and plants out of the flowerbed, planting some mums we had from Kaleb's funeral and then filling the flowerbeds up with fresh mulch. It looks better and definitely smells better around the front of our house now. So what's the first thing Goober had to do, pee in my new mulch. SERIOUSLY! Jimmie got the yard all mowed and weedeated. While he had been trimming the bushes I'd had the thought "I miss Kaleb" that was his favorite thing to do when it was yard work day (not that he liked it, but if he was going to do something it was trim the bushes into neat shapes). He'd always do the bushes. I bet neither of us had needed to do that in several years because he handled it. And that is about the only job he ever did without asking him to. I came home before and he'd taken it upon himself to redesign the bushes in front of the house. I hadn't said anything to Jimmie when I had the thought because I didn't want to make him sad if he hadn't had the same thought and it wasn't 5 minutes later Jimmie said "Damn, I miss Kaleb!" It was neat that doing that together brought us both closer to Kaleb. I know he was looking down at us thinking how much better he could have made them look.
Ryan and Alyssa came by later in the afternoon with their new puppy Marlo. They visited for the evening and we cooked some steaks on the grill then watch Jurassic World because it was Free HBO weekend on Directv. I'm not much on the Jurassic movies. I know I saw the first one, but can't say that I've seen any of the others, but it was a pretty good movie. We watched Marlo whoop up on Goober and Nash. They did great for him being so much smaller than them. They headed back to school after it was over.
Decided to try a "spaghetti pie" recipe for dinner tonight that I saw on facebook over the weekend. Came home at lunch today to "prep" the ingredients. Ok, I cooked the noodles so I could put them in the fridge for the afternoon because it called for left overs noodles. I was worried if I hadn't cooked them and cooled them off prior to fixing the pie it'd mess with the texture. Hopefully it ends up at good as it looked on facebook. If not, we'll put it on the, not our favorite, list. I'm debating making a recipe book for Tyler and Steph to have of some of the recipes we've made as a family as they grew up. They can then replicate them for their family if they so choose.
Ready to head to the dr tomorrow afternoon to get the stitches out of my knee and hopefully get a full release so I'm free to play softball if we need a player the last few weeks of the season. Still the best surgery I've ever had.
So that's a run down of a "perfect" weekend around our house. Sunshine, water, puppies and yardwork. Probably most boring blog ever.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Graduation time
Listening to K-Love the other day while driving around and one of the DJs was talking about having a high school senior and it seemed like just yesterday they were picking out his name in the hospital. Imagining his name written in glitter on a piece of paper in kindergarten. Picturing how the name would look on his High School Graduation Announcement. She'd came home from work earlier that week and he'd shown her his announcements that had came in the mail. She'd broke down crying and hugging him trying to explain why it was so special to her to see them. I understand completely how that time feels. I've been through it twice before. But now I understand how it feels to never get to see it. To anticipate the moment and never see it happen. Like so many other things that will never happen.
We had our first graduation announcement come in the mail. And I'm excited to see it and thankful that people aren't afraid to send them to us. I'm still proud of these kids that have worked so hard to get to this point in their life. They're each about to head off into adulthood. Each one with a different plan set in place. On the flip side, even though I knew that's what was in the envelope, it still brought so many emotions. I was ok at first. It was nice to see what the announcements looked like this year. But when I opened it completely and saw the little card inside with the students name on it I broke. I'll never see his name in a graduation announcement. It will never be written across that diploma. They'll never call it during commencement. I know those things. I've accepted those things, but sometimes it's hard to explain that to my tears and my heart.
I saw a Facebook post this week from one of Kaleb's friends who was working a project semicolon booth (if you don't know what this is you can google it or there are project semicolon groups on facebook) at the high school for suicide awareness. I know people have not forgotten Kaleb. I know he made an impact on a lot of people's lives prior to his death. There are differences being made everyday to try and help people. I'm trying so hard to be the positive person. I am proud of the Seniors of 2016. Seeing pictures of the Military Ball this last weekend brought back so many memories. His date from last year posted a pic collage of her last year with Kaleb and her with her date from this year showing the 2 pictures side by side. I know how hard that must have been for her to face. I try and remember that this is "their" time. It's not about us as parents, it's about what these kids have accomplished and what they will accomplish as they move forward into adulthood.
I still dream of our kid's weddings. I still dream of grandkids. I still dream of their futures even though they are all grown. The next 4 weeks are going to be hard as I mark off what should have been the biggest accomplishment we'd been working towards. Here is the way I pictured his name:
We had our first graduation announcement come in the mail. And I'm excited to see it and thankful that people aren't afraid to send them to us. I'm still proud of these kids that have worked so hard to get to this point in their life. They're each about to head off into adulthood. Each one with a different plan set in place. On the flip side, even though I knew that's what was in the envelope, it still brought so many emotions. I was ok at first. It was nice to see what the announcements looked like this year. But when I opened it completely and saw the little card inside with the students name on it I broke. I'll never see his name in a graduation announcement. It will never be written across that diploma. They'll never call it during commencement. I know those things. I've accepted those things, but sometimes it's hard to explain that to my tears and my heart.
I saw a Facebook post this week from one of Kaleb's friends who was working a project semicolon booth (if you don't know what this is you can google it or there are project semicolon groups on facebook) at the high school for suicide awareness. I know people have not forgotten Kaleb. I know he made an impact on a lot of people's lives prior to his death. There are differences being made everyday to try and help people. I'm trying so hard to be the positive person. I am proud of the Seniors of 2016. Seeing pictures of the Military Ball this last weekend brought back so many memories. His date from last year posted a pic collage of her last year with Kaleb and her with her date from this year showing the 2 pictures side by side. I know how hard that must have been for her to face. I try and remember that this is "their" time. It's not about us as parents, it's about what these kids have accomplished and what they will accomplish as they move forward into adulthood.
I still dream of our kid's weddings. I still dream of grandkids. I still dream of their futures even though they are all grown. The next 4 weeks are going to be hard as I mark off what should have been the biggest accomplishment we'd been working towards. Here is the way I pictured his name:
Kaleb Bryant Pearson
And here is the way I see his name in reality:
Kaleb B Pearson
Aug 14, 1998 - Sept 15, 2015
Yes there is sadness when I think of what is never to be, but there is also Joy in everything he brought to our lives. The infectious laughter, the one of a kind personality, his "beautiful" singing voice, the tenacity when he really wanted or believed in something and the endless puns and jokes. He was our wild child that you never knew what he was thinking. But I wouldn't have changed him for the world. He was "Kaleb".
As you see the prom pictures that are sure to be posted soon, like them, comment on them, make these kids feel special. You might not have any kids that are at that age. Yours might all be grown, or they might not be that old yet but bear with the kids and parents that share these special events on social media. It's a way to record these events to remember each year and you never know what the next year might bring. I'm so thankful for my daily "memories" on Facebook now. I never know what's going to pop up the next day. Some make me laugh, some make me cry, but they all remind me how much Kaleb was loved.
As you receive those graduation announcements, take some extra time and pick out a special card to send back to them. Put a personal message in them letting each person know how special they are and what they mean in your life and how proud you are of them. For these kids, they've worked hard to get here and they need to know they are loved and appreciated. You never know what daily struggles they might be going through. A positive word can go so far. They are at a turning point in their life and positive feedback can mean so much.
Arthroscopic right menisectomy
Went in Friday to have my knee fixed. It's been 2 months since I missed the curb and hyper extended it. I've got through rest, anti-inflammatory medications and injections and none of it worked. With the wedding coming up in June we skipped trying physical therapy before opting for the surgery to help speed up the time line.
Checkin was at 11:30 at Mercy River Valley Orthopedic Hospital. Really like that facility. That's my 2nd surgery there. Had my elbow surgery there in November 2014. They have a quick and smooth check in process their staff is professional. I was assigned my own pre-op nurse. In the span of about 30 minutes I had all my vitals done, my IV in and hooked up had met with Dr Bolyard and with the anesthesiologist. Just spent a little time waiting for the case before me to finish. They took me back to the operating room awake. And I moved over to the operating table. I'm a puker after anesthesia So he gave me anti-nausea meds prior to administering the anesthesia. And that's all I remember until waking up in post op. No Nausea, no real pain, only negative was I was cold and shivering. Post op was just about as quick as pre-op. Checked in at 11:30, was in the truck on the way home at 2:00. Can't beat a 2 1/2 hour procedure from start to finish.
Got home and Jimmie made me a grilled cheese to eat since I was starving. I was using my crutches to take some of the weight off, to keep my balance and to keep the dogs at bay so they didn't knock me over. I slept most of the afternoon. Kay and Melinda brought me snacks. Tyler and Steph brought us dinner. Overall it was about the easiest surgery day I've ever had. Got up a couple of times during the night to let the dogs out. Still used the crutches for balance. By Saturday morning I was walking unaided with just a small limp. The "catch" pain I'd had for 2 months was gone replaced by a stiffness. I removed the big bulky bandage and had a bleeder on one of the incisions. Not a little bit of blood but a steady stream down my leg. A little hard to get band aids over the incisions when I couldn't keep the blood off long enough. Ended up making it bleed twice before it finally stopped for good.
We got out that afternoon and went to Academy and Atwoods and walked all over there. I ended up with over 7400 steps per the old Fitbit on the day after surgery. I did take a pain pill to help me sleep Saturday night which was a mistake. I ended up sleeping in a bad position for my back and could barely get out of bed the next morning. Actually had to have Jimmie put icy hot on it. Tried tanning thinking maybe the heat would loosen up my back. Wrong, ended up having to have Jimmie help me get out of the tanning bed.
Got up Monday morning with a plan of working half day then going to physical therapy. Get a text message with a picture of storm damage at work to start off the morning. Then go out to my jeep and it won't turn over. It's dead. Call Jimmie to come start my jeep.Finally make it to work and end up having an exciting morning there before Jimmie coming to pick me up to take me to my first round of physical therapy.
Physical Therapy seemed like it'd be a fairly easy boring round of muscle flexing and straight leg lifts. But after it was over my leg was literally shaking and worn out. Who knew a few quad, hamstring and glute flexes could wear me out. I'll do these exercises for a week and then go back and get the more "advanced" exercises to continue doing. My followup with my surgeon is next Tuesday. I'll get my stitches out and my goal is to get a full release to return to exercise class and softball. I've already ordered and got in my knee brace to use for ball. I'm not risking damaging what just got fixed. I'd rather wear a brace and be safe then screw it up again since obviously walking isn't my strong suit.
Tuesday I worked 1/2 day again, probably could have pulled of a full day, but my biggest complaint has been being tired. I'm not in a lot of pain. I'm able to walk fairly easily with not much of a limp. I'm having to work on my flexibility both bending and fully straightening my leg. Since the hyper-extension I've been very careful to not let my knee go backwards so know it's lost some of it's flexibility and doesn't want to go completely straight. With stretching and exercises I'll get it back where it needs to go.
Overall I'd have this surgery again in a heartbeat. Least nausea of any prior surgery, least post op pain, smoothest check in and check out process. Ready to get back to walking/running and my Fit Body Boot Camp class. Shouldn't be long now. Worst thing will be getting my eating back in check. I've enjoyed all the snacks Kay brought me. I'm going to have to invest in some sugar free jello and sugar free popsicles because I've let myself get addicted to sweets again. My weight will be back on my butt quickly if I don't curb that quickly. So here's to a summer of recovery and getting down to my goal size/weight. More size than weight. I have a dress I have to fit into in approximately 8 weeks!!!
Checkin was at 11:30 at Mercy River Valley Orthopedic Hospital. Really like that facility. That's my 2nd surgery there. Had my elbow surgery there in November 2014. They have a quick and smooth check in process their staff is professional. I was assigned my own pre-op nurse. In the span of about 30 minutes I had all my vitals done, my IV in and hooked up had met with Dr Bolyard and with the anesthesiologist. Just spent a little time waiting for the case before me to finish. They took me back to the operating room awake. And I moved over to the operating table. I'm a puker after anesthesia So he gave me anti-nausea meds prior to administering the anesthesia. And that's all I remember until waking up in post op. No Nausea, no real pain, only negative was I was cold and shivering. Post op was just about as quick as pre-op. Checked in at 11:30, was in the truck on the way home at 2:00. Can't beat a 2 1/2 hour procedure from start to finish.
Got home and Jimmie made me a grilled cheese to eat since I was starving. I was using my crutches to take some of the weight off, to keep my balance and to keep the dogs at bay so they didn't knock me over. I slept most of the afternoon. Kay and Melinda brought me snacks. Tyler and Steph brought us dinner. Overall it was about the easiest surgery day I've ever had. Got up a couple of times during the night to let the dogs out. Still used the crutches for balance. By Saturday morning I was walking unaided with just a small limp. The "catch" pain I'd had for 2 months was gone replaced by a stiffness. I removed the big bulky bandage and had a bleeder on one of the incisions. Not a little bit of blood but a steady stream down my leg. A little hard to get band aids over the incisions when I couldn't keep the blood off long enough. Ended up making it bleed twice before it finally stopped for good.
We got out that afternoon and went to Academy and Atwoods and walked all over there. I ended up with over 7400 steps per the old Fitbit on the day after surgery. I did take a pain pill to help me sleep Saturday night which was a mistake. I ended up sleeping in a bad position for my back and could barely get out of bed the next morning. Actually had to have Jimmie put icy hot on it. Tried tanning thinking maybe the heat would loosen up my back. Wrong, ended up having to have Jimmie help me get out of the tanning bed.
Got up Monday morning with a plan of working half day then going to physical therapy. Get a text message with a picture of storm damage at work to start off the morning. Then go out to my jeep and it won't turn over. It's dead. Call Jimmie to come start my jeep.Finally make it to work and end up having an exciting morning there before Jimmie coming to pick me up to take me to my first round of physical therapy.
Physical Therapy seemed like it'd be a fairly easy boring round of muscle flexing and straight leg lifts. But after it was over my leg was literally shaking and worn out. Who knew a few quad, hamstring and glute flexes could wear me out. I'll do these exercises for a week and then go back and get the more "advanced" exercises to continue doing. My followup with my surgeon is next Tuesday. I'll get my stitches out and my goal is to get a full release to return to exercise class and softball. I've already ordered and got in my knee brace to use for ball. I'm not risking damaging what just got fixed. I'd rather wear a brace and be safe then screw it up again since obviously walking isn't my strong suit.
Tuesday I worked 1/2 day again, probably could have pulled of a full day, but my biggest complaint has been being tired. I'm not in a lot of pain. I'm able to walk fairly easily with not much of a limp. I'm having to work on my flexibility both bending and fully straightening my leg. Since the hyper-extension I've been very careful to not let my knee go backwards so know it's lost some of it's flexibility and doesn't want to go completely straight. With stretching and exercises I'll get it back where it needs to go.
Overall I'd have this surgery again in a heartbeat. Least nausea of any prior surgery, least post op pain, smoothest check in and check out process. Ready to get back to walking/running and my Fit Body Boot Camp class. Shouldn't be long now. Worst thing will be getting my eating back in check. I've enjoyed all the snacks Kay brought me. I'm going to have to invest in some sugar free jello and sugar free popsicles because I've let myself get addicted to sweets again. My weight will be back on my butt quickly if I don't curb that quickly. So here's to a summer of recovery and getting down to my goal size/weight. More size than weight. I have a dress I have to fit into in approximately 8 weeks!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Empty Nest
Some people are forced into early retirement for different reasons, health, job loss or becoming a caregiver to others. We were kind of forced into becoming empty nesters about a year earlier than expected. Parts of it are great I won't lie. Being able to plan a spontaneous trip without working out details and coordinating schedules. Being able to do things at the last minute. Not having school functions all the time. Which while you are going to them it's part of life. That's where you want to be and what you should be doing. But whenever I start enjoying the freedom something is always in the back of my mind reminding me how we got that freedom. It makes me feel guilty for some reason to be able to enjoy sometimes.
Everyday we think about Kaleb and miss him. I know he'd want us to enjoy life and not spend everyday in despair from missing him but what your brain knows and how your heart feels don't always line up.
The other boys are grown and have their own lives. We visit, they visit we communicate by phone, FaceTime and text. We see their posts on social media sites. We listen to their plans for the future. I don't have the "guilty" feeling for enjoying life to its fullest with them out of the house. It's just Kaleb. I know one day it will be easier. Each time we plan something it's with maybe a little less sadness or regret. I wonder when his "scheduled" time to be out of the house is past will that get easier. Or will he forever be 17 and we'll never get past that feeling because he is frozen in time in our memories. We'll always have a 17 year old son that is supposed to be living with us and having the time of his life his senior year of high school. Will it be easier next year when there is a new senior class? Will each post we see of senior pictures or cap and gown pictures not make us think of what he didn't get to experience? Or will it still be a constant reminder of what he didn't accomplish. These are questions that will be answered as time plays out. How much of it is determined by how we view our future? Are people capable of really getting past the different emotions you feel when you have a child that died by suicide? We never said goodbye. We will never know why. There are always the thoughts of what could I have done differently? Could we have saved him some way? The feelings of guilt for not saving him, regret for not knowing, failure for letting him down, anger over him not accepting help that was offered so many times that day.
So each day we start our morning being thankful for waking up to another beautiful day on earth. Thankful for our family and the future we are allowed with them. Thankful for the time we had with Kaleb. And each day we work on replacing the negative feelings in our hearts with more positive feelings. We are still here to make a difference in other people's lives. We are still here to enjoy the beauty God has surrounded us with. We just have to learn to embrace the spontaneity being an empty nester allows us. And know that is what Kaleb would want. He was impulsive and flew by the seat of his pants. No one could keep up with him. Maybe that's part of what I was suppose to learn from being Kalebs mom. Lighten up, do something fun on a whim. Not everything is planned in life. Good things can come out of bad experiences. Everything in our past makes us who we are today. Everyone has gone through painful things in their past, how you handle it determines the life you will have. I am choosing to see the positives that can come from loss.
Everyday we think about Kaleb and miss him. I know he'd want us to enjoy life and not spend everyday in despair from missing him but what your brain knows and how your heart feels don't always line up.
The other boys are grown and have their own lives. We visit, they visit we communicate by phone, FaceTime and text. We see their posts on social media sites. We listen to their plans for the future. I don't have the "guilty" feeling for enjoying life to its fullest with them out of the house. It's just Kaleb. I know one day it will be easier. Each time we plan something it's with maybe a little less sadness or regret. I wonder when his "scheduled" time to be out of the house is past will that get easier. Or will he forever be 17 and we'll never get past that feeling because he is frozen in time in our memories. We'll always have a 17 year old son that is supposed to be living with us and having the time of his life his senior year of high school. Will it be easier next year when there is a new senior class? Will each post we see of senior pictures or cap and gown pictures not make us think of what he didn't get to experience? Or will it still be a constant reminder of what he didn't accomplish. These are questions that will be answered as time plays out. How much of it is determined by how we view our future? Are people capable of really getting past the different emotions you feel when you have a child that died by suicide? We never said goodbye. We will never know why. There are always the thoughts of what could I have done differently? Could we have saved him some way? The feelings of guilt for not saving him, regret for not knowing, failure for letting him down, anger over him not accepting help that was offered so many times that day.
So each day we start our morning being thankful for waking up to another beautiful day on earth. Thankful for our family and the future we are allowed with them. Thankful for the time we had with Kaleb. And each day we work on replacing the negative feelings in our hearts with more positive feelings. We are still here to make a difference in other people's lives. We are still here to enjoy the beauty God has surrounded us with. We just have to learn to embrace the spontaneity being an empty nester allows us. And know that is what Kaleb would want. He was impulsive and flew by the seat of his pants. No one could keep up with him. Maybe that's part of what I was suppose to learn from being Kalebs mom. Lighten up, do something fun on a whim. Not everything is planned in life. Good things can come out of bad experiences. Everything in our past makes us who we are today. Everyone has gone through painful things in their past, how you handle it determines the life you will have. I am choosing to see the positives that can come from loss.
Hello World
Kaleb Christmas 2014
So I decided to start a blog site. This way when scrolling through Facebook you can skip right over my posts if you aren’t in the mood for sarcasm or you don’t want to read my deeply thought out posts about my mundane life. Or are not interested in the conversations I had with my dog. I’ve always posted very random things and told lots of stories about my family. Since Kaleb died my posts have had a lot of different emotions in them. Writing has became less about amusement (sarcasm is still there) and more therapeutic. I can’t always say what I’m thinking. Emotions get in the way but I can type it out. (as long as I stop occasionally and dry off the keyboard if I’m emotional.). This way I can insert pictures or attach links as long as I can figure out how to do it. Yesterday was 16 weeks since we lost Kaleb. I made it without medication and without any breakdowns. I was able to focus on other issues at hand and not dwell on the time of day. I don’t know that its easier now so much as we are learning how to deal with it and are beginning to find some Peace. Starting the exercise class has made me realize I can have a life. We are still here and we have more life to live. So in the future feel free to skip over my posts, or read them whichever you prefer. If you choose to read I hope you enjoy and that I never hurt anyone with my words.
The Good Old Days
We were gone over Christmas so I finally made it over to moms this week to pick up our gifts. We had dropped ours off before leaving. One of my sisters got us a frame that says “A PIECE OF MY HEART LIVES IN HEAVEN’ and while I love the frame it’s the pictures that brought back the memories. The top picture was my dad and about a 5 year old Kaleb. The way Kaleb is sitting in the chair with his little ankles crossed and talking so animatedly with daddy captures Kaleb’s true self. He could talk so passionately about subjects that interested him. He might have been discussing Pokémon cards, or gardening or jet streams. My daddy has been gone 7 years now. Kaleb was so close to him. Daddy was one of the few people that had almost enough patience to handle Kaleb’s incessant questions and could answer why over and over and over again. Maybe he got some good practice raising me. Kaleb and I shared a lot of our ADD traits. We both asked a lot of questions. I still do. We both talk a lot. We are both pretty sarcastic so I could see where he might have had a little practice. I always wondered why I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I remember getting up early and fishing with my daddy and papa. Being in the pasture with my papa. Going to church with them on Sundays. I think the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” came from raising kids like Kaleb and myself. No one person could handle either of us constantly.
The bottom picture is all 3 boys together. Kaleb posing as always. I can’t tell you how many times I had to retake pictures because I didn’t think they were good enough. I was always saying Kaleb smile right. Kaleb behave. I wish I’d have kept every one of those crazy goofy faces. If you have kids, don’t strive for perfect pictures. Capture their many faces. Don’t use that little trashcan picture on your digital camera or phone. Treasure every one of them. You never know when that will be all you have to help you hold onto their memory. I’m so thankful I take a ton of pictures. We will have them to show the grandkids their Uncle Kaleb. They can have a face to go with the name of the relative they will never know personally.
Standing, Walking OH MY
I MADE IT!!!!! Week one down. I whined. There was much pain. A few grumpy mornings. I gained a pound. But I can already tell the difference. The first few days I had my doubts but I know I have this now. I’ll be buff and toned in no time. Once it starts staying light longer I’ll add in some running to go with it and I’ll be fit. I’m 43 years old, have had 3 kids that I’ve used as excuses for 21+ years. Last year I started on my journey. I wish I would have taken “before” pictures then. But I think I figured I’d fail again. Who knew 16 months later I’d have kept the first round of weight off. Now I’m ready for round 2. We did do before pictures this time. (no, I’m not posting them on here) also measured so I can keep track of inches this time also. Jimmie has been a great motivation. He makes sure I get up each morning. He gets me a water or Gatorade ready. He even warmed my jeep up one morning. Working out in the morning has been a lot more beneficial than I imagined it would be. 1. My brain isn’t awake yet so I can’t think about it to much. 2. I’m not taking away from “couple” time or “doggie” time. I’m still home each evening. Just losing a little sleep. 3. I can’t talk myself out of it during the day because it’s already done. Week 2 starts Monday. I’m missing the Saturday class which believe it or not I’m actually a little disappointed to not be going.
Religion
If you are offended by people stating their beliefs stop reading now. If you are like me and can enjoy reading about how other people think and believe then keep reading but remember everyone is entitled to their beliefs.
I didn’t raise my children “in church” per se. They were taught right and wrong. They were taught to respect others and to do the right thing. We attended church sporadically throughout their childhood. Mainly because of my insecurities. I’m very uncomfortable around strangers. And very uncomfortable in situations where I don’t “know” what is expected of me. One thing I am very proud of is that my 3 boys all found God on their own. To me that tells me so much about them as kids. I know their faith is true and not forced upon them. Tyler went to college and attends a church in Russellville. He and Stephanie both worked at Camp War Eagle for a couple of summers and this past summer worked hard and raised money to go on a mission trip to Guatemala. They are very selfless and giving young adults. Ryan went to Russellville and has started on the same path. He began going to church while down there. Kaleb attended church for a while with my sister and her kids and then he found a girl and decided he wanted to attend her church. I didn’t care what got him into church he thrived in it. He wanted to go and wanted to learn. He asked questions. After he died one of his brothers told me something that helped me find Peace. They said that Kaleb did his research. He accepted God, he learned about Heaven. And they felt that he made his decision based on what he learned in church. They felt he knew Heaven was a better place and he chose to be there and not struggling here. Just hearing that really gave me Peace because it’s true Kaleb didn’t do anything without having the answers to all his question.
But that’s not what this is about. I’m writing this to explain my need for Church now. Before we lost Kaleb I didn’t think I was strong enough to go to church and feel judged. I was to scared of the strangers and not knowing how it worked. I was raised Methodist. Attending church with my grandparents. We sang songs out of a hymnal while a piano or organ played. We stood and sat as we were instructed by the minister. Nowadays Church is different. There are songs with bands and words on a big screen. People walk around and meet people. Those are the things that make me very uncomfortable. I’m a little old school. But I know now that I can do ANYTHING. Jimmie and I talked after Kaleb’s death and decided we wanted to go back. It gives me comfort to be there and to hear the word. He bought me a devotional Bible that I read each day. We have begun listening to Christian radio. I was Christian before but now I’m learning about the Word. While I still may feel uncomfortable in Church I know I need to work through that. The same as I’ve worked through the first week of exercise class in a room full of strangers. I’m stronger than I ever believed I was. I know I can do anything and I will not fear things as I have before. I don’t have to fear my worst nightmares because I lived it and survived. I’m not afraid of death and I don’t think I ever have been. I’ve always believed when it’s my time to go I will go. No matter what I’m doing. Whether I’m skydiving, driving a car or sitting in a chair when my time is up I will go in Peace. And whether it’s religion or an exercise class don’t let fear stop you from bettering yourself. Don’t doubt yourself. You can handle a lot more than you think you can.
I didn’t raise my children “in church” per se. They were taught right and wrong. They were taught to respect others and to do the right thing. We attended church sporadically throughout their childhood. Mainly because of my insecurities. I’m very uncomfortable around strangers. And very uncomfortable in situations where I don’t “know” what is expected of me. One thing I am very proud of is that my 3 boys all found God on their own. To me that tells me so much about them as kids. I know their faith is true and not forced upon them. Tyler went to college and attends a church in Russellville. He and Stephanie both worked at Camp War Eagle for a couple of summers and this past summer worked hard and raised money to go on a mission trip to Guatemala. They are very selfless and giving young adults. Ryan went to Russellville and has started on the same path. He began going to church while down there. Kaleb attended church for a while with my sister and her kids and then he found a girl and decided he wanted to attend her church. I didn’t care what got him into church he thrived in it. He wanted to go and wanted to learn. He asked questions. After he died one of his brothers told me something that helped me find Peace. They said that Kaleb did his research. He accepted God, he learned about Heaven. And they felt that he made his decision based on what he learned in church. They felt he knew Heaven was a better place and he chose to be there and not struggling here. Just hearing that really gave me Peace because it’s true Kaleb didn’t do anything without having the answers to all his question.
But that’s not what this is about. I’m writing this to explain my need for Church now. Before we lost Kaleb I didn’t think I was strong enough to go to church and feel judged. I was to scared of the strangers and not knowing how it worked. I was raised Methodist. Attending church with my grandparents. We sang songs out of a hymnal while a piano or organ played. We stood and sat as we were instructed by the minister. Nowadays Church is different. There are songs with bands and words on a big screen. People walk around and meet people. Those are the things that make me very uncomfortable. I’m a little old school. But I know now that I can do ANYTHING. Jimmie and I talked after Kaleb’s death and decided we wanted to go back. It gives me comfort to be there and to hear the word. He bought me a devotional Bible that I read each day. We have begun listening to Christian radio. I was Christian before but now I’m learning about the Word. While I still may feel uncomfortable in Church I know I need to work through that. The same as I’ve worked through the first week of exercise class in a room full of strangers. I’m stronger than I ever believed I was. I know I can do anything and I will not fear things as I have before. I don’t have to fear my worst nightmares because I lived it and survived. I’m not afraid of death and I don’t think I ever have been. I’ve always believed when it’s my time to go I will go. No matter what I’m doing. Whether I’m skydiving, driving a car or sitting in a chair when my time is up I will go in Peace. And whether it’s religion or an exercise class don’t let fear stop you from bettering yourself. Don’t doubt yourself. You can handle a lot more than you think you can.
ADHD Blessing Or Curse
We’re coming up on 17 weeks. With the other boys gone back to college for the semester, I’m back to having to find things to keep me busy. Having ADHD is a blessing in some ways and a curse in others. It’s a blessing in that I’m easily distracted. So if I start getting down when I hear a particular song or see an old picture I had forgotten about, then sometimes all it takes to slow the downward spiral is just someone to interrupt my thought process and then the sad thoughts are forgotten about. But it can be a curse because if I let myself I can hyperfocus on the loss. I don’t know how many people actually experience hyperfocus. Basically if I start reading a book or playing game (doesn’t matter what kind video, card, computer) it’s hard for me to be interrupted. I can tune out everything. It can happen if I’m watching TV or deep in thought. Drives Jimmie nuts He can have a whole conversation with me and I never realize he said a word. Kaleb suffered from this also. Lord forbid you interrupt him while he was Minecrafting. So when I start getting consumed by grief as long as I can interrupt myself and redirect my focus then I don’t completely lose it.
When I can’t get redirected it’s usually because multiple things trigger it. I started last night when I found the last box of stuff to unpack. It had school paperwork in it. Old school pictures. Old birthday and Mothers Day cards. Ok I could redirect myself from that. Then got up this morning and my phone memory was full. My largest memory usage is my photos and videos. This required me to go through my phone and make decisions of keep or delete. So was still a little emotional when we got to church and in the preservice music they played “Brother” which most of you probably don’t know is a song Kaleb texted to Tyler and Ryan the week before he died. So they think of that song as him watching over them. Then our pastor’s Mother had passed away last week so there was a short video montage dedicated to her. It’s times like that where I have to work hard to focus on something other than grief or it will consume me.
The downside to redirecting myself is then I feel guilty for not letting myself dwell on Kaleb. Sometimes it’s like I can’t win for losing. So for the most part I’m thankful for ADHD I think it is helping me through this process. My brain is wired to look at every scenario and figure out which one has the most positive outcome. So even taking the time out to write this blog has helped me. I’ve had to concentrate on spelling and grammar. Even though this was about Kaleb the actual writing process helped me focus on other things.
I read things on other blogs or posts on some of the suicide sites on Facebook and I feel such sympathy for the people who are all consumed by their grief. And can’t seem to look past it. I’m very thankful for the brain I have. While I may forget birthdays, or get sidetracked and not follow conversations, I may not be the most observant, but it’s definitely helping me work through this process. So I’m going to look at it as a Blessing because without it I could very well be lost in our world of grief.
It's All In How You Count It
Up until today I’ve been counting the time since Kaleb passed. The days, weeks, months, marking them off each time a milestone passes. Today as I was thinking about coming up on the 17th week, it made me wonder how many weeks until Tyler and Steph’s wedding (don’t ask how I got from one to the other that would need to go back to the ADHD post from yesterday). Are we closer to their wedding than we are from the day he died? So I counted. We are 166 days or less than 24 weeks from their wedding date. After counting that up, I took the time and wrote the countdown on my daily planner. I’ve chosen to stop counting the days from the worst day of our life and start counting the days to what will be one of the best days of their lives. I’m sure internally I will always know how long it’s been since he passed but I’m going to choose to stop focusing on that as much and look towards brighter days. We’ll be gaining a daughter into our family. One we’ve known for over 6 years already. She grew up with the boys. She knew us both before and after the tragedy. I couldn’t ask to be gaining a better daughter in law than Stephanie. I look forward to always having her as part of our family. She may not be as excited as we are about joining our crazy, loud, quirky family, who can be a little overwhelming, but we are excited about her. I am thankful that she has gone to school with Tyler not only here in Van Buren but in College as well and with Ryan following Tyler down to Tech she has remained close with him as well. They will always have a close bond where they can gang up on each other and share stories from both home town and college town happenings.
I might have to keep things planned in advance for a while, so I better start planning a vacation, but I’m taking back my life. I’m not going to keep focusing on every Tuesday at 4:31. Or the 15th of every month. I’m going to start planning for things that are to come whether it’s a wedding, a vacation, or even just a holiday. It will give us something to look forward to and not so much looking backwards. We can’t go back, we can’t change anything so we need to make the most of our future. so while I’ll find ways to keep Kaleb’s memory alive, I’m working towards not having that day be the first memory that comes to my mind when I think of him. I want to think about his cold bony arms that were always sweaty when he’d try and give me a hug and I’d try and run. I’m going to think about him always letting the dog lick him in the face. I’m going to think about when he told me the day he passed his driving test and I took him to get his drivers license that say day “This is the BEST DAY of my LIFE”. But most of all I’m going to focus on the rest of the family as well. It’s hard not to always think about him, or what he’s missing, or what he would be doing. But those are What ifs. I need to concentrate on the What IS.
So here’s to the future and everything it holds. Here’s to better tomorrows and making new memories. Here’s to a growing family. Here’s to 2016 and all the changes it will bring.
4 months
And I’m ok. I’m sick, I’m off work and I’m ok. Earlier this week I was a little quiet and one of my best friends asked me what was wrong. She was worried about me because I was to quiet. I told her I was ok, I’d just been thinking about Kaleb and I needed a hug from him.
Jump to last night. I was sick yesterday like sicker than I’ve been in years. I tested negative for the flu but the symptoms were there. So I came home at lunch. We’d been looking for another dog to give Goober a playmate and Jimmie found one, just happens to be when I was puny. . So last night while sick and tired I had a dream. I don’t remember what led up to it or how it finished but I was in a room with the other boys talking and in ran Kaleb. He jumped up and sat on the counter beside us, joined in the conversation laughing and smiling. Then he jumped down, hopped over to me and gave me the biggest hug and then he was gone. For anyone that knew Kaleb personally you can picture that happening. It was the best dream ever and came when I needed it the most.
So I’ve been home all day just me and the dogs and I’ve been good all day.
Jump to last night. I was sick yesterday like sicker than I’ve been in years. I tested negative for the flu but the symptoms were there. So I came home at lunch. We’d been looking for another dog to give Goober a playmate and Jimmie found one, just happens to be when I was puny. . So last night while sick and tired I had a dream. I don’t remember what led up to it or how it finished but I was in a room with the other boys talking and in ran Kaleb. He jumped up and sat on the counter beside us, joined in the conversation laughing and smiling. Then he jumped down, hopped over to me and gave me the biggest hug and then he was gone. For anyone that knew Kaleb personally you can picture that happening. It was the best dream ever and came when I needed it the most.
So I’ve been home all day just me and the dogs and I’ve been good all day.
Goober and Nash
Goober is the best dog ever. They don’t get any better than him. He’ll be 2 in April and is pretty much trained. He still learns new tricks but he doesn’t require constant attention. He can roam the house and I don’t have to “watch” him every second. He is crate trained but we don’t use the crate anymore unless he just wants in it to sleep. He has free run of the house. We are now empty nesters. We have no one at home to take up our time. And Goober loves to play so we decided to get him a playmate. We’d been looking for a little bit off an on. We wanted another Australian Shepherd and also wanted another Blue Merle colored one just so they’d match. We originally were thinking of getting a girl about the same age as Goober. We emailed several rescues and what is sad is we never heard back from them about dogs they show they had available. It made me sad because it made me think those dogs weren’t getting a fair shot because the humans weren’t responding to interested people. We kept searching.
Jimmie found a farm in Oklahoma that raised black angus cattle and Ausralian Shepherds that are actual working dogs. They had an 11 week old male puppy. How’d we get from a teenage female to a male puppy. He just fit. So we brought him home.
Next came a name. We have had a lot of fun and embarrassment with Goober’s name. It fits him. He’s goofy and dorky and a real Goober. But there are times we talk about him and it doesn’t sound exactly right if the person we’re talking to doesn’t understand Goober is a dog. So we tossed names around. We have a very warped sense of humor so you can imagine some of the names we came up with. It took a lot of work to talk Jimmie out of Nads. I actually love the name just because it fits to go with Goober’s.. But then I thought of all the kids and adults that stop me when I walk Goober and ask what his name is. I couldn’t imagine answering that question and saying Goober and Nads. But I could imagine saying ” Go Nads. Get the balls.” Just because it’s funny. I remember when the vet asked what Goobers name was for his first appt. she said you didn’t really name him that did you? Now they agree the name fits. So the internal debate began. We got him home and the decision was made. He will be Nash. It’s close to Nads and that can be a nickname. Like Goober becomes Goobs sometimes. I can answer the question of what’s their names with a lot less embarrassment and it’s short since I’ll be using it frequently. He is not Goober. He is hard headed, stubborn, sneaky and like a bull in a China closet compared to Goobers agile, easy going, ready to please self. They will be quite the pair. The brawn and the brains. Nash will not be our agility champion but he might just well be our lap dog that could take down an intruder if needed.
So welcome Nash Pate. Shortly You will be as spoiled and loved as Goober. He will show you the ropes even though I have a feeling you’ll be walking your own line. Or just crossing that line occasionally to keep us on our toes.
Jimmie found a farm in Oklahoma that raised black angus cattle and Ausralian Shepherds that are actual working dogs. They had an 11 week old male puppy. How’d we get from a teenage female to a male puppy. He just fit. So we brought him home.
Next came a name. We have had a lot of fun and embarrassment with Goober’s name. It fits him. He’s goofy and dorky and a real Goober. But there are times we talk about him and it doesn’t sound exactly right if the person we’re talking to doesn’t understand Goober is a dog. So we tossed names around. We have a very warped sense of humor so you can imagine some of the names we came up with. It took a lot of work to talk Jimmie out of Nads. I actually love the name just because it fits to go with Goober’s.. But then I thought of all the kids and adults that stop me when I walk Goober and ask what his name is. I couldn’t imagine answering that question and saying Goober and Nads. But I could imagine saying ” Go Nads. Get the balls.” Just because it’s funny. I remember when the vet asked what Goobers name was for his first appt. she said you didn’t really name him that did you? Now they agree the name fits. So the internal debate began. We got him home and the decision was made. He will be Nash. It’s close to Nads and that can be a nickname. Like Goober becomes Goobs sometimes. I can answer the question of what’s their names with a lot less embarrassment and it’s short since I’ll be using it frequently. He is not Goober. He is hard headed, stubborn, sneaky and like a bull in a China closet compared to Goobers agile, easy going, ready to please self. They will be quite the pair. The brawn and the brains. Nash will not be our agility champion but he might just well be our lap dog that could take down an intruder if needed.
So welcome Nash Pate. Shortly You will be as spoiled and loved as Goober. He will show you the ropes even though I have a feeling you’ll be walking your own line. Or just crossing that line occasionally to keep us on our toes.
The Tide Shifts
I was so proud of myself last week. I did well. I made it through the 17th Tuesday and the 4 month anniversary and I was doing fine. Ryan and Alyssa came for a visit Sunday night and left Monday. It was great seeing them. Tyler started his new job yesterday. I’ve talked to both of them several times this week. We’ve got a great weekend getaway planned. And about 2:00 today it hit me. I guess the tide starting changing and coming in. It started with a brief thought about a friend of Tyler’s that tragically passed away recently. I thought how did his grandparents and parents get through that, I can’t imagine. Then it hit me. That’s how the old me would have thought. I never could have imagined what it would be like to lose a child. Whether to illness or accident, over time or suddenly. I couldn’t imagine. But I don’t have to imagine now. I know. IT SUCKS! I know how they felt (maybe not exactly but the general feeling). How could I forget even for a second. If you’d have asked me last year, or if I filled out one of those stupid facebook questionnaires, What’s your biggest fear: Mine was always losing one of my children. It has happened but you know what? It’s still my biggest fear. Just because it happened doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid of it.
I think each time I see the other boys, if they make a trip home, or if we go down there to see them. I have to hug them a little tighter or a little longer. There is a need there like it never was before. There are a lot of people who out of habit always hug their kids goodbye, or give them a kiss goodbye. I was one of those people before. I’d give them a hug, give them a peck on the cheek and send them on the way. Now before they leave It’s a heartfelt hug and a kiss on the cheek. I’m always afraid it will be the last time because it has been before. I didn’t hug Kaleb that morning. I left him at the gas pump, filling up his tracker. Yelling out the window to make sure and text me his total so I could write it down since he was using my debit card and that I loved him. I know he was told several times that day how much I loved him so I have no doubt he knew it, whether he believed it or not will never be known because we have no idea what was in his head that day.
This has given myself and I think the rest of our family and friends a real awakening to just how precious and short life can be. There one second and gone the next. with your Grandparents and your parents, you expect that you will lose them at some time. It’s hard to do, but it’s how life goes. Your siblings you never know who will go first but you don’t expect to lose them as a teenager, and I don’t think anyone ever plans to lose their child. So we’ll keep swimming. Sometimes are easier than others, sometimes we’re caught in a riptide, or a whirlpool trying to suck us down or out to sea, but we’ll keep working toward our new normal. Never to be the same, but acceptance with what is and hope for what’s to come.
What Not to Eat
Normally 3 days a week we have lunches provided at work by various reps. They aren’t always health so with the new puppy I’ve been running (driving) home at lunch each day to let him out since he’s being crate trained. We have good food choices at home so on the days I eat there I’m usually pretty good. Since I got sick last Thursday I’ve been BAD on my eating. We had Frito Chili Pies one day at work. I had 2. Wednesday lunch cancelled and we went and ate Pizza. While I enjoyed every bite of that pizza at lunch yesterday, I regretted every bite of that pizza during class this morning. It was ab day. Every crunch, every sit up, EVERYTHING we did reminded me of the pizza the day before. It was funny because he also handed out our “meal” plan of what we should be eating. Ummmm….. yeah, about that. We have a weekend away this weekend so I have set it in my head that Monday I will get back on track. Not that I’m going to be horribly BAD this weekend. But as far as getting back on my low carb diet and removing pizza and sweets from my diet plan, I’ll do it on Monday. I’m a planner, so I’m planning for Monday to be my accountability day. I did it before I’ll do it again. Getting sidetracked last year when Kaleb died saw me lose my motivation. It’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be to get back on the bandwagon. Not so much with the exercise because I love going to class. I love pushing myself. I can’t wait for it to warm up so I can start running again. (I’m not a winter person. I can’t do cold.)
My problem is my nutrition. I’m aware of this. I know I have no willpower. We have to remove the food from the house because if it’s there I will eat it. Since Jimmie had his gastric sleeve surgery I have been nothing short of AMAZED at his will power. He has given up so many of his comfort foods. He has really pushed himself to stick with his good eating. He’s a year and a half post surgery and he’s kept all the weight off. He’s getting healthier and healthier each day. If he can do it, so can I.
Back to the meal plan. I’ve done Atkins before and had good success with it. My body doesn’t do well with the bad carbs. Breads, pastas and white flour. I know these things and I know if I can get past the 2 weeks it will take me to get rid of the cravings I’ll feel so much better than when I eat those foods. That was the initial reason for losing weight originally because my body wasn’t processing sugars right. (there is a word for it but I can’t remember what it was.) After reading the foods not to eat (of which pizza was in its own category) I was wondering what foods are left. Basically it’s a clean eating diet with no processed foods. This is something I’ve been working on getting better at ever since Jimmie’s surgery. So I might not follow the meal plan exactly, I am going to work at getting as close as possible. Some of the key things on it are things I do not like at all. I can’t do coconut oil, or olives, avocados or sweet potatoes. I do like the fruits that are on the plan and I’m a meat person and we always have wild game meat so that’s good with me. But I don’t do seafoods so the lobster, crab and shrimp are all out. and I can handle quite a few of the vegetables so I can probably stick pretty close to it. It’s just getting back in the right mindset to know this is what my body needs and I don’t want to end up a diabetic a few years down the road. I plan on being around for a long time to be a pain in everyone’s butts. If I wasn’t around what would you be reading, some boring old blog about food and exercise!!!
Have you Ever
Have you ever prayed you child was on drugs? I have. Have you ever prayed they were caught drinking? I have. Have you ever prayed they were caught with a girl at your house? I have. Have you ever prayed your child had a failed suicide attempt? I have. On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm. I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed my life forever. 9 words. “GET HOME NOW. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS, JUST GET HOME.” I knew then what happened. I just knew Kaleb was gone.
I was at work. I get off at 5. I walked out of my office and down the hall. I mumbled to someone that I had an emergency and had to leave. I walked out the back door and got in my jeep. I remember calling my head nurse who is one of my best friends. She hadn’t been at her desk when I walked out. She knew about the conversation I’d had that morning. I don’t remember what exactly I said but I think I told her that Jimmie had called and told me to get home and that I was scared. I knew it was Kaleb. But I honestly can’t tell you if the message I left her even made sense or what I said on it.
We lived about 10 minutes from work if there was no traffic. I had to go down the busiest street in our town and through the 2 busiest intersections to get home. I got stuck at every stoplight. I prayed all the way home. Trying to think of everything less bad than what I knew it was. I debated using the flashers and passing people in the turn lane but I didn’t know 100% what had happened so I wasn’t comfortable breaking that many laws. Finally I made it to I40. My jeep speedometer goes to 100. It’s not built for speed but I can tell you it does 100. Once on the interstate it’s like traffic was gone. There was no one around. I sped that 2 miles down the interstate knowing if I wrecked it was just myself that was injured. I exited and turned onto Dora road. I hadn’t seen any emergency vehicles. I hadn’t been passed by any flashing lights. That’s what happens in emergencies right. That’s how the movies portray it anyway. The parent always gets passed by the emergency responders. Apparently that’s not how it goes it real life. We were the 3rd street on the right. Our house all the way at the other end of the block. As I start turning onto our road I found all the lights. All the emergency vehicles, sheriffs, cops, fire trucks. I started crying. I had to weave my way up our road to get to our driveway. It was like there was a path just for my vehicle. One lane left open for me to get up there. No One tried to stop me, they just looked up. I pulled into our driveway as far as I could and I saw Jimmie. I saw it in his eyes, his face, his body. Kaleb was gone.
I remember stopping and putting the jeep in park.. I don’t remember if I turned it off or not. I still don’t remember where we finally found my glasses. Jimmie met me at the door of my jeep. I couldn’t even make it out. I just sat on the step/door frame as he held me and I cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. That was like it is on tv. Where I’ve always made fun of actors or actresses for their poor acting skills while trying to act broken. I was broken.
I know my brain is different from a lot of people’s. I have a lot of different thoughts normal people don’t have. I always run scenarios through my head and figure out what is the best outcome. What is the appropriate response. The politically correct way to act. That is the only instance in my entire life I completely lost control of myself. I waled, I cried. Jimmie held me through it all. He held me so tight. He held himself together until our best friends could get there. I don’t know how he did it. But he was my rock when I had nothing.
Then we switched roles. I can’t and won’t speak for him or what he went through that day. I can’t imagine the nightmare he endured.
To this day I don’t know how our friends got there right behind me. They came from Alma and almost beat me there. Our house was off limits. We knew people that had responded. Once I calmed down and started answering questions I realized that one of the cops lived near us and his son went to school and graduated with Ryan. They were at the same college. He knew my kids personally. I don’t know how they are able to do their jobs. I realized I had to start calling people. I called my oldest sister because I knew my mom would need someone with her when I told her. I told her I needed her to go to moms because I had to tell her that Kaleb had killed himself. Our friends kept coming. My best friend of 30 years was there. They helped me start making the phone calls. One at a time. We had to call Stephanie’s parents and try and figure out how to get to the boys before it made it on social media. I lose track then of exactly how many calls we made and how plans got made. Jimmie needed medical attention but refused to go to the hospital so he went home with our friends daughter who is a nurse. She took care of him while we drove to Russellville to try and beat the news to the boys. 1 hour, 60 minutes. That is the longest hour of my life.
Of all the scenarios I’ve ran through my head, planning our son’s funeral wasn’t one of them. So next time you are praying for your children, pray they find the direction they need in their life. Pray they find Peace.
We lived about 10 minutes from work if there was no traffic. I had to go down the busiest street in our town and through the 2 busiest intersections to get home. I got stuck at every stoplight. I prayed all the way home. Trying to think of everything less bad than what I knew it was. I debated using the flashers and passing people in the turn lane but I didn’t know 100% what had happened so I wasn’t comfortable breaking that many laws. Finally I made it to I40. My jeep speedometer goes to 100. It’s not built for speed but I can tell you it does 100. Once on the interstate it’s like traffic was gone. There was no one around. I sped that 2 miles down the interstate knowing if I wrecked it was just myself that was injured. I exited and turned onto Dora road. I hadn’t seen any emergency vehicles. I hadn’t been passed by any flashing lights. That’s what happens in emergencies right. That’s how the movies portray it anyway. The parent always gets passed by the emergency responders. Apparently that’s not how it goes it real life. We were the 3rd street on the right. Our house all the way at the other end of the block. As I start turning onto our road I found all the lights. All the emergency vehicles, sheriffs, cops, fire trucks. I started crying. I had to weave my way up our road to get to our driveway. It was like there was a path just for my vehicle. One lane left open for me to get up there. No One tried to stop me, they just looked up. I pulled into our driveway as far as I could and I saw Jimmie. I saw it in his eyes, his face, his body. Kaleb was gone.
I remember stopping and putting the jeep in park.. I don’t remember if I turned it off or not. I still don’t remember where we finally found my glasses. Jimmie met me at the door of my jeep. I couldn’t even make it out. I just sat on the step/door frame as he held me and I cried. Sobbed uncontrollably. That was like it is on tv. Where I’ve always made fun of actors or actresses for their poor acting skills while trying to act broken. I was broken.
I know my brain is different from a lot of people’s. I have a lot of different thoughts normal people don’t have. I always run scenarios through my head and figure out what is the best outcome. What is the appropriate response. The politically correct way to act. That is the only instance in my entire life I completely lost control of myself. I waled, I cried. Jimmie held me through it all. He held me so tight. He held himself together until our best friends could get there. I don’t know how he did it. But he was my rock when I had nothing.
Then we switched roles. I can’t and won’t speak for him or what he went through that day. I can’t imagine the nightmare he endured.
To this day I don’t know how our friends got there right behind me. They came from Alma and almost beat me there. Our house was off limits. We knew people that had responded. Once I calmed down and started answering questions I realized that one of the cops lived near us and his son went to school and graduated with Ryan. They were at the same college. He knew my kids personally. I don’t know how they are able to do their jobs. I realized I had to start calling people. I called my oldest sister because I knew my mom would need someone with her when I told her. I told her I needed her to go to moms because I had to tell her that Kaleb had killed himself. Our friends kept coming. My best friend of 30 years was there. They helped me start making the phone calls. One at a time. We had to call Stephanie’s parents and try and figure out how to get to the boys before it made it on social media. I lose track then of exactly how many calls we made and how plans got made. Jimmie needed medical attention but refused to go to the hospital so he went home with our friends daughter who is a nurse. She took care of him while we drove to Russellville to try and beat the news to the boys. 1 hour, 60 minutes. That is the longest hour of my life.
Of all the scenarios I’ve ran through my head, planning our son’s funeral wasn’t one of them. So next time you are praying for your children, pray they find the direction they need in their life. Pray they find Peace.
Am I Or Am I Not
As you read this blog I’m not looking for compliments or assurances on if I am or am not a good mother. This is more the internal argument that is always being battled within my head.
I know we aren’t suppose to judge others and I try really hard but there are times I fail. And a lot of those times have to do with how people treat their kids. I hate seeing kids ignored or left to their own devices. Especially young kids. I believe they need guidance and encouragement. But also a dose of reality. Ask my kids I’ve never been one to “let” them win. Or to give them false praise if what they attempted wasn’t a win. I would always give them props for trying. But I’m not a believer in the everyone should play, everyone should win, everyone is great at all they do. I believe in trying out for teams. If you make it great, if you don’t try harder next year or find something that might fit who you are a little better. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to do it. I can only go with my gut and my instinct of what is right to raise my kids to try and prepare them to be members of a cruel society that isn’t always fair.
My step-son was grown when Jimmie and I were married so my experience is only with my boys. I always said when they were little because they were so close together in age I wouldn’t know if I was doing it right or wrong until it was to late. Honestly I’ve lost my philosophy. I understand different kids need different things. Don’t get me wrong, I understand mental illness from a logical aspect but my heart and my soul are in constant battle of did I do it right or did I do it wrong. I have 2 boys in college, with scholarships who have excelled in life. And I have 1 son who chose to end his life. So did I fail him??? Should I have been more strict or more lenient. The old saying it takes a village to raise a child. We tried that philosophy with Kaleb. He spent time with other family members trying to give him what he needed, he stayed with family friends, he spent a month last summer in Seattle with his dad. We all tried. In his mind, and I know it was the ADHD and depression and whatever else he might have struggle with, it was never what he needed. I know he thought the world was against him. We struggled regularly with anger management. But as a parent I always thought the trials he went through were like that of other kids. The older boys weren’t always happy with my decisions or if they were told no. They got grounded and sometimes made bad decisions. But they learned from those and I believe strongly it helped to mold them into who they are now.
Logically I know what the problem was but my heart feels like I failed. 66.6% is a D. 2/3s of my children made it to adult hood. So applying the philosophy I used to raise my children maybe I wasn’t the best mother. No matter how logically I look at what happened. No matter how many times I run it through my head. I don’t know how to change the outcome. But back to the philosophy I used to raise the boys. Why was I hard on them, why did I always push them hard and tell them the truth even if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. Because life isn’t fair. You are given trials throughout your life and you have to learn how to continue to move forward. So while I’ll always wonder why me, why him, what did we do wrong, This is my life. The cards I’ve been dealt. I can choose to self destruct and be of no use/good to my family or friends or I can put on my big girl panties and work harder to be better. Because that’s what I taught the boys. I will carry on, I will try harder, I will work on ensuring I make a difference somehow. I will find what I’m good at and I’ll give it my all.
I know we aren’t suppose to judge others and I try really hard but there are times I fail. And a lot of those times have to do with how people treat their kids. I hate seeing kids ignored or left to their own devices. Especially young kids. I believe they need guidance and encouragement. But also a dose of reality. Ask my kids I’ve never been one to “let” them win. Or to give them false praise if what they attempted wasn’t a win. I would always give them props for trying. But I’m not a believer in the everyone should play, everyone should win, everyone is great at all they do. I believe in trying out for teams. If you make it great, if you don’t try harder next year or find something that might fit who you are a little better. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to do it. I can only go with my gut and my instinct of what is right to raise my kids to try and prepare them to be members of a cruel society that isn’t always fair.
My step-son was grown when Jimmie and I were married so my experience is only with my boys. I always said when they were little because they were so close together in age I wouldn’t know if I was doing it right or wrong until it was to late. Honestly I’ve lost my philosophy. I understand different kids need different things. Don’t get me wrong, I understand mental illness from a logical aspect but my heart and my soul are in constant battle of did I do it right or did I do it wrong. I have 2 boys in college, with scholarships who have excelled in life. And I have 1 son who chose to end his life. So did I fail him??? Should I have been more strict or more lenient. The old saying it takes a village to raise a child. We tried that philosophy with Kaleb. He spent time with other family members trying to give him what he needed, he stayed with family friends, he spent a month last summer in Seattle with his dad. We all tried. In his mind, and I know it was the ADHD and depression and whatever else he might have struggle with, it was never what he needed. I know he thought the world was against him. We struggled regularly with anger management. But as a parent I always thought the trials he went through were like that of other kids. The older boys weren’t always happy with my decisions or if they were told no. They got grounded and sometimes made bad decisions. But they learned from those and I believe strongly it helped to mold them into who they are now.
Logically I know what the problem was but my heart feels like I failed. 66.6% is a D. 2/3s of my children made it to adult hood. So applying the philosophy I used to raise my children maybe I wasn’t the best mother. No matter how logically I look at what happened. No matter how many times I run it through my head. I don’t know how to change the outcome. But back to the philosophy I used to raise the boys. Why was I hard on them, why did I always push them hard and tell them the truth even if it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. Because life isn’t fair. You are given trials throughout your life and you have to learn how to continue to move forward. So while I’ll always wonder why me, why him, what did we do wrong, This is my life. The cards I’ve been dealt. I can choose to self destruct and be of no use/good to my family or friends or I can put on my big girl panties and work harder to be better. Because that’s what I taught the boys. I will carry on, I will try harder, I will work on ensuring I make a difference somehow. I will find what I’m good at and I’ll give it my all.
the Road To Healthy
We have eaten “healthy” for the last year and a half since Jimmie’s surgery. I’ve been using Kaleb’s death as an excuse for the last 4 months to not eat as healthy. I’d started eating candy again, and sweet treats. I have stayed off of Coke, unless there was Crown in it, because that was my deal to myself when I quit Cokes. And while I have been indulging my sweet tooth more often by eating ice cream, cookies and pancakes and syrup. Tyler’s upcoming wedding has given me incentive. I’d already started the exercise class “Fit Body Bootcamp” in January and I’m loving it. If you want a challenging fun, different exercise every day come out and join me at 5:45 am each morning. I plan on getting back into running when it’s not freezing outside (I’ll still use that excuse because I don’t do winter). Getting my diet back on track is a whole other problem to wrangle.
The other boys were in at Christmas time so we bought foods they enjoy. Needless to say when they left to go back to school we forgot to pack it up and send it back with them. So boys if you are reading this, we have some groceries for you, first come first serve. We got our meal plans last week in class and I’ve decided to embrace this. While I may not go 100% Paleo, I do like the clean eating aspect of it. I like meats, vegetables and fruit. The things I’ll have the greatest issues with are no grain and no dairy. I like my grain and I like my milk and cheese. Nothing better than a big bowl of cereal. But this is a lot like the Atkins diet I stuck to mostly to lose the weight before, just stricter it seems. And while everyone told me how my cholesterol would go up and all my blood work would suffer from doing the Atkins diet, it was the opposite. So I’m hoping this eating plan will have the same type of affect.
So if you see me posting pictures of my food, it’s sort of like when I would randomly post my runs. Or when I spent the first week of class posting about how I was dying!! It holds me accountable. If I’m owning what I eat it’s a lot harder to “cheat” myself. I think I get more upset letting other people down than I do myself. That’s probably something I need to work on. I’ve removed my excuses, and I’m taking back my life. I will be healthy again, I will be strong again. Having my fit-bit has really helped with this. When I first got it in 2014 I didn’t know many people who had them but over the last year I’ve found more and more people who do and I’m always in some kind of daily challenge, or weekend warrier, or work week hustle. And I’m pretty competitive. I don’t like to lose. I’m like those posts on facebook of the person standing at stove running in place. I’ve been known to do squats and jumping jacks while letting the dogs go out to pee, or doing squats in the bathroom at work (don’t judge me, it’s a way to get a few squats in at a time throughout the day). I didn’t have a medicine ball over the weekend for my sit-ups so I might have used a 2 liter of coke. No more excuses. If anyone wants to join me on my journey send me a message and we can be buddies to hold each other accountable. I’m sure there will be a few detours, and bumps in the road but it’s the not giving up that will get me the long-term results. None of the boys are having kids early so I have to do something to stay young so I can enjoy grandkids when I finally get them.
The other boys were in at Christmas time so we bought foods they enjoy. Needless to say when they left to go back to school we forgot to pack it up and send it back with them. So boys if you are reading this, we have some groceries for you, first come first serve. We got our meal plans last week in class and I’ve decided to embrace this. While I may not go 100% Paleo, I do like the clean eating aspect of it. I like meats, vegetables and fruit. The things I’ll have the greatest issues with are no grain and no dairy. I like my grain and I like my milk and cheese. Nothing better than a big bowl of cereal. But this is a lot like the Atkins diet I stuck to mostly to lose the weight before, just stricter it seems. And while everyone told me how my cholesterol would go up and all my blood work would suffer from doing the Atkins diet, it was the opposite. So I’m hoping this eating plan will have the same type of affect.
So if you see me posting pictures of my food, it’s sort of like when I would randomly post my runs. Or when I spent the first week of class posting about how I was dying!! It holds me accountable. If I’m owning what I eat it’s a lot harder to “cheat” myself. I think I get more upset letting other people down than I do myself. That’s probably something I need to work on. I’ve removed my excuses, and I’m taking back my life. I will be healthy again, I will be strong again. Having my fit-bit has really helped with this. When I first got it in 2014 I didn’t know many people who had them but over the last year I’ve found more and more people who do and I’m always in some kind of daily challenge, or weekend warrier, or work week hustle. And I’m pretty competitive. I don’t like to lose. I’m like those posts on facebook of the person standing at stove running in place. I’ve been known to do squats and jumping jacks while letting the dogs go out to pee, or doing squats in the bathroom at work (don’t judge me, it’s a way to get a few squats in at a time throughout the day). I didn’t have a medicine ball over the weekend for my sit-ups so I might have used a 2 liter of coke. No more excuses. If anyone wants to join me on my journey send me a message and we can be buddies to hold each other accountable. I’m sure there will be a few detours, and bumps in the road but it’s the not giving up that will get me the long-term results. None of the boys are having kids early so I have to do something to stay young so I can enjoy grandkids when I finally get them.
Softball Season
It’s that time again. We’re going to see about playing spring ball. I’m excited. My favorite past time/hobby. Loved playing in the fall for the first time in 13 years. With that comes sadness and memories. Kaleb was our “pinch runner” for Jimmie last year up until he died. He had pure joy when he’d get to practice with us, or running the bases. He gave it his all while adding his own flair to it. He had never hit a pitched ball before our first practices. He’d gone to countless ballgames as the other boys grew up, but it was never something he enjoyed. He didn’t even really like being at the games. It just wasn’t his thing. Not as a “competitive” sport. But to practice and play with us he loved. He had raw talent underneath his funny business. I don’t think we ever saw him catch a ball in the air with his feet on the ground. He always jumped to catch a ball, even the low ones. The funniest thing I ever saw was when he “slid” into 2nd base. Probably the first time he’d ever slid in his life. You are going to have to use your imagination here. I’ll try and explain it as best as I can. Imagine running full speed at a base and just before you get there jump straight into the air and assume the position you would be in if you were sitting at the top of a slide at a park. Butt and legs parallel to the ground, arms at your sides with hands beside your butt like you are holding onto the side of the slide. . It was perfect form if you were going to do down a slide, but as far as sliding into a base went completely wrong. He jumped way to close to the base, assumed the position and landed butt square on top of the bag and bounced right on past 2nd base. He scrambled back to the bag and was safe. We laughed so hard. But what was important was he gave his all he tried hard. Next play, (and I missed this, just had it described to me afterwards) he’s running from 2nd, rounded 3rd to go home and as he got to home does a cartwheel over home plate, completely missing home plate. apparently the umpire was to distracted to notice that because he was called safe. Needless to say after we stopped laughing, I had to give the “Kaleb, we can’t do that, someone might get hurt when you do things that aren’t expected” speech. To him it was entertainment. Did I mention he did not have a competitive bone in his body when it came to sports.
Along with those memories are the memories of our great friends. The week after Kaleb died, one of the teams made shirts to wear for their game in honor of Kaleb. It had the Suicide Prevention Ribbon painted on the front. We went to watch them play and there they all were in their matching shirts supporting his memory. I’m going to attempt to attach a picture to this blog, first time I’ve done that so we’ll see if you get a picture with it or not. We have the best friends in the world. They watched Kaleb grow up. They heard about his antics. They helped when we needed babysitters. And they were there afterwards supporting our family. There weren’t questions of what can we do, they just did it.
We play at the same field, we played coed at when the boys were all little. So each of those concrete bleachers the boys have hid under. They’ve ran all over those fields and dugouts during practices. So while the softball field is one of my favorite places to be, it’s also one with a lot of memories. The memories are happy memories of good times past, but they bring a sadness with them of what is missing. So as I play this year “This one’s for you Kaleb.” I’ll remember it’s not about winning and losing. It’s about quality time spent with close friends.
Graduation
It’s just around the corner. I was excited for Tyler’s graduation, he was the first. How could I be old enough at 39 to have a kid graduating from high school. Ryan was my sad one. My kitchen helper, mama’s boy, partner in crime was graduating and would be leaving me. Kaleb was my happiest one. We were going to make it. Last May I was driving him to school and as we pulled in the parking lot he said ” think mom, this time next year it will be me graduating” I told him how proud I was of him and how I’d be blowing the air horns. Because up until now I’ve always obeyed the rules. We didn’t save seats, we didn’t use noise makers, we didn’t bring balloons so the people around us couldn’t see. But Kaleb’s was going to be different. He’d worked hard to get to there. And we didn’t have any more kids behind him so it’s not like we could really get in trouble. When it was time to order Ryan’s graduation stuff we decided all 3 boys would wear the same robe. They had their own hats and tassels but they were going to share the robe it’d be a family heirloom.
Now it’s January. A mere 4 months from graduation. I see friends posting ideas on Pinterest and senior pictures. It will be the first Van Buren graduation held at UAFS. We’ll be getting announcements I’m sure. I remember the night we were packing Kaleb’s room up before we moved and I’d been doing pretty good. Kay was there with me. I was taking deep breaths and going from one thing to another. Emptying the closet I came across the graduation robe. It broke me. I’d always told Kaleb one way or another he was graduating high school. I’d drag him kicking and screaming if I had to but he would be a high school graduate. I never had a doubt in my mind we’d make it. I was wrong. Now I have people dragging me sometimes kicking and screaming through life from day to day helping me heal.
So I’ve got a graduation hat and instead of him wearing it in May and walking across that stage it will be setting with a spray made around it on top of his headstone. I will still celebrate all the work he put into making it through school. I will celebrate all the hurdles he overcame from year to year. While he never got his diploma, he had great friends, he was wise beyond his years And he beat us all to Heaven. People can argue that point with me but God takes care of the sick. So I have no doubt he took care of Kaleb when he lost his battle. So as May approaches I’m going to look forward to seeing all his friends and my friends kids graduating. I’m going to live vicariously through them and celebrate in their accomplishments.
Now it’s January. A mere 4 months from graduation. I see friends posting ideas on Pinterest and senior pictures. It will be the first Van Buren graduation held at UAFS. We’ll be getting announcements I’m sure. I remember the night we were packing Kaleb’s room up before we moved and I’d been doing pretty good. Kay was there with me. I was taking deep breaths and going from one thing to another. Emptying the closet I came across the graduation robe. It broke me. I’d always told Kaleb one way or another he was graduating high school. I’d drag him kicking and screaming if I had to but he would be a high school graduate. I never had a doubt in my mind we’d make it. I was wrong. Now I have people dragging me sometimes kicking and screaming through life from day to day helping me heal.
So I’ve got a graduation hat and instead of him wearing it in May and walking across that stage it will be setting with a spray made around it on top of his headstone. I will still celebrate all the work he put into making it through school. I will celebrate all the hurdles he overcame from year to year. While he never got his diploma, he had great friends, he was wise beyond his years And he beat us all to Heaven. People can argue that point with me but God takes care of the sick. So I have no doubt he took care of Kaleb when he lost his battle. So as May approaches I’m going to look forward to seeing all his friends and my friends kids graduating. I’m going to live vicariously through them and celebrate in their accomplishments.
Working With Grief
One of the things I’ve found difficult while working through this process has been staying focused. As the majority of everyone reading this knows I’m an office manager for an independent primary care office. Kaleb died on a Tuesday afternoon. It was a payroll week and 2 weeks before ICD 10s came into play, those are busy times for me. When it’s a small office you have one person who does payroll. There are a lot of small jobs that only one person does. With the ICD10s while it’s not an everyday change, it was the biggest change to hit medical billing that I’ve ever experienced. For those of you not in the medical field just imagine the way you get paid completely changed. Every code we bill, everything we do had to be changed by 10/1. I was off the 3 days following his death planning the funeral. I came back the next Monday. Then it gave me something to focus on. I had deadlines to be dealt with. The first few days it was hard to get through. Everyone here knew Kaleb. He was a patient here. He’d spent a few afternoons sitting in my office at the clinic, or doing filing for me while waiting for a drs appointment, or waiting for me to get off work. There are reminders everywhere. I’m working through those. I was here when I got the phone call, so making it through the first few Tuesday afternoons was extremely difficult. I had to leave early a few times. Honestly, I work for the best people in the world. They never asked questions, they have let me work through this at my own speed and take the time I needed when I wasn’t strong enough to be here.
Now it’s been a while since I just “needed” to leave. There are still times when a memory comes up, or a song, or sometimes I don’t even know what causes it. I’ll step out the back door and get some fresh air. I’ve become one of the best fibbers you can imagine. I have meetings with people from insurance companies and drug companies and salesmen. Some of these people I’ve known quite a while. They learn your history, they ask how the boys are doing? Or how we enjoyed the holidays. Right now if people aren’t close to me and aren’t aware of what has happened as they ask “How are the boys?”. My response is a standard, “great”. ”How were your Holidays?” They were good and yours?
My coworkers know how I really feel. They usually pick up on when I’m struggling. They have been so supportive. I told them early on not to “avoid” the topic. I’d rather be open and upfront about it. If they have questions I’ll answer them. I’ve learned it’s ok to tear up during a conversation. I can make it through most conversations about him, or what happened, or how we’re doing without doing it, but occasionally it still happens. But for me the worst thing that could happen would be not talking about him. He existed. He was loved. He will always be a part of our family. I do worry sometimes in writing this blog or when I talk about him with the other boys I hope it doesn’t make it harder on them. I know until now I was never good at dealing with death. I don’t know if you are ever good with it, but like my Grandma Davis was the first grandparent to die. It was so hard for me to go to her house afterwards and see my Papa. After my dad died, it crushed me. At least I thought it did. I used to drive past the “place” on the road everyday on my way to work where I was when I got the phone call from my brother telling me daddy had died. I was on my way back to the hospital when he called. I worked at the hospital so of course it was the same road I took to work. To me that was hard. I remembered every morning as I drove into work that I was “right here” when I found out daddy died. Now I sit at my desk every day knowing I was “right here” when I got the call about Kaleb. What is strange as hard as it was for me to deal with Grandma Davis (she was the first grandparent I lost) and my dad’s deaths, I honestly feel like I learned how to accept death after Kaleb died. Now I’m at Peace with my grandparents passing and my daddy’s passing. I know it’s a part of the circle of life. While it hurts to say good-bye each person is only here for a set amount of time and each person’s time is different.
On the days that I’m struggling it’s really hard for me to focus on everyday tasks. There are so many things I’d rather be doing. I can’t get into the work like I could before. That’s a problem that I’m having to work through. Not being focused means I’ve made mistakes and I don’t like to do that. I know everyone does, but it doesn’t mean I like it. At first work was a distraction from the pain, now I can’t stay as focused on it as I should. My goal this week is to get through the stacks on my desk that need sorted through. Make sure I’ve got everything done that needs to be done. Year end is over. Just finished the first month end for 2016. We’re into the 2nd month now, we have a lot to accomplish this year and I’ve got to get my head into it. Normally I’d come in and close the month over a weekend if I have that option, but now I’d rather just come in early on a Monday a do it. While I still love my job and everyone I work with it doesn’t bring me the same joy it did before. It’s that way with a lot of things in life now. My priorities have shifted and in some cases that’s probably for the best, but in others, like work that’s a problem. This has been one of the bigger struggles I’ve faced is the ability to become a productive, proactive team member again.
When I research “grief” and all the different ways people deal with it. One of the common things is you don’t get over it. You learn to live with it. And that is in every aspect of your life. It doesn’t just impact your family and your relationships with friends and other people, it impacts how you do everything in your life. Nothing is the same. It reminds me of the song from Tim McGraw, ‘Live like you were dying”. I’ve always loved the song but now I know how precious life is and I want to truly do that. I want new experiences, travel to new places, see new things. Financially you can’t do everything all at once, but when opportunities arise, I know now to take them because you might not get another chance. While the song was about something different you can apply it to so many different things. We are all working towards the day we die. So truly we should all live like we are dying. So I’ll continue to work on getting my focus back on work from 8-5 anytime after that you are going to find me living life to its fullest. Whether that’s playing ball, walking or running with the dogs, trips to the property or traveling when we get the opportunity I’m done letting life pass me by. I don’t know how many days are left in my plan. So I have to get busy emptying that bucket-list. So who is down for going sky-diving? It’s been on the list the longest.
What I wish I Knew Before
As can be expected I’ve spent a lot of time researching suicide and suicide prevention. The approach I took that day came from what I knew. I knew what questions were asked of patients in a Drs office to figure out if they are suicidal. I knew what answers prompted help to be called in and what answers allowed people to walk out. In some ways I think my professional side overruled my parental side on 9/15/15.
To explain this I’ve got to give a little history. I’ve worked in the business side of a clinical/facility setting for almost 15 years. In this time for billing and follow up purposes I’ve had to read progress notes about everything you can imagine. From cancer patients dying, children that have been abused, parents who are dealing with the death of their child to druggies suffering from indescribable diseases. I think it hardens you a little. I’m surrounded by people who act logically and are professionally trained to not panic. I think I usually am calm when faced with emergency situations. From when Jimmie and I got flagged down in the Mountains around Mena to help with a 4 wheeler accident. I had to ride out alone to get cell reception, make the call and then give directions on mountain ATV trails to get emergency responders there. I was calm and focused. When Tyler busted his head open on the couch spring and was bleeding profusely from his forehead. Grab a washrag, clamp it to the forehead, head to the ER. Tyler having severe asthma attacks as a baby. I had to decide is this something we can handle with breathing treatments, or a steamy shower or maybe sitting on the porch in the cool night air or the night I ended up driving to Mercy alone with him and ending up in the trauma room in the ER due to the severity. You just handle it. Panic doesn’t help.
I got a phone call that morning from Kaleb’s friend’s dad. He told me Kaleb had confided in his son that he had a plan to hurt himself. He said he felt he needed to let me know this. So I went to Kalebs room and talked to him. He had a car accident a couple of weeks before. He was having to pay us back and was grounded. In my mind I figured he was mad at us and he had said those things in anger. So I asked him about it. He assured me no, he’d just been upset. He asked me to pick up his dry cleaning because he had to wear his uniform on Thursday. He asked if his girlfriend could come over that Thursday and asked if he could have $20 out of his paycheck that I was cashing that day. He had plans, he was talking About the future. I had no doubt that he would be fine that day. This is where I let my professional/logical side rule over my emotional/parental side.
Knowing what I’ve learned the last 4 months I’d have never walked out of the house that day. I wouldn’t have gone to work and sent him on to school. We’d have taken a “mental health” day. I’d have stayed with him and figured out what kind of help he needed. My goal is to make sure other parents who have never dealt with suicide never have to. I want them to know what to do if they ever get a phone call warning them, or if their child ever tells them they are contemplating suicide. Would it have made a difference? We’ll never know. Might it have bought me a little more time with my son, probably. At least another day. In my research I’ve learned about different types of people who think about or talk about suicide. Some just do it for attention, some just need help to get through the tough times and there are others that it doesn’t matter what help they get it won’t be enough.
If someone tells you they are contemplating suicide, or if your child confides in someone and it makes it back to you STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND GET THEM HELP. Nothing is more important than your family. Life doesn’t give you do overs.
To explain this I’ve got to give a little history. I’ve worked in the business side of a clinical/facility setting for almost 15 years. In this time for billing and follow up purposes I’ve had to read progress notes about everything you can imagine. From cancer patients dying, children that have been abused, parents who are dealing with the death of their child to druggies suffering from indescribable diseases. I think it hardens you a little. I’m surrounded by people who act logically and are professionally trained to not panic. I think I usually am calm when faced with emergency situations. From when Jimmie and I got flagged down in the Mountains around Mena to help with a 4 wheeler accident. I had to ride out alone to get cell reception, make the call and then give directions on mountain ATV trails to get emergency responders there. I was calm and focused. When Tyler busted his head open on the couch spring and was bleeding profusely from his forehead. Grab a washrag, clamp it to the forehead, head to the ER. Tyler having severe asthma attacks as a baby. I had to decide is this something we can handle with breathing treatments, or a steamy shower or maybe sitting on the porch in the cool night air or the night I ended up driving to Mercy alone with him and ending up in the trauma room in the ER due to the severity. You just handle it. Panic doesn’t help.
I got a phone call that morning from Kaleb’s friend’s dad. He told me Kaleb had confided in his son that he had a plan to hurt himself. He said he felt he needed to let me know this. So I went to Kalebs room and talked to him. He had a car accident a couple of weeks before. He was having to pay us back and was grounded. In my mind I figured he was mad at us and he had said those things in anger. So I asked him about it. He assured me no, he’d just been upset. He asked me to pick up his dry cleaning because he had to wear his uniform on Thursday. He asked if his girlfriend could come over that Thursday and asked if he could have $20 out of his paycheck that I was cashing that day. He had plans, he was talking About the future. I had no doubt that he would be fine that day. This is where I let my professional/logical side rule over my emotional/parental side.
Knowing what I’ve learned the last 4 months I’d have never walked out of the house that day. I wouldn’t have gone to work and sent him on to school. We’d have taken a “mental health” day. I’d have stayed with him and figured out what kind of help he needed. My goal is to make sure other parents who have never dealt with suicide never have to. I want them to know what to do if they ever get a phone call warning them, or if their child ever tells them they are contemplating suicide. Would it have made a difference? We’ll never know. Might it have bought me a little more time with my son, probably. At least another day. In my research I’ve learned about different types of people who think about or talk about suicide. Some just do it for attention, some just need help to get through the tough times and there are others that it doesn’t matter what help they get it won’t be enough.
If someone tells you they are contemplating suicide, or if your child confides in someone and it makes it back to you STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND GET THEM HELP. Nothing is more important than your family. Life doesn’t give you do overs.
Some Days are Just to Much
For all the times people have told me “you’re so strong”, “I can’t believe how well you are doing”, and so on there are times like today. Though they are becoming spaced out more I’m guessing I jinxed myself earlier this week when I said I hadn’t had to just leave work “just because” in a while. It’s been a busy few days and I haven’t been sleeping to well this week, so last night I took something to help me sleep. My body finally got a good nights sleep but I guess my mind didn’t rest as well. I woke up tired, not physically but mentally. Made it through exercise class with no problems but just wanted to come home and crawl back in bed. But I won’t do that because I won’t let this beat me. I got dressed and went to work knowing if I could just distract myself I could get out of the funk.
I tried all morning to find my motivation, to get into the work. I was weepy all morning but kept taking deep breaths thinking I could make it. I took some medicine to try and get control of my emotions. It didn’t really help. In my mind by now I shouldn’t have to depend on medication to get through the day. And it’s not everyday that I need medicine. Maybe once every 2 weeks. It didn’t matter what I tried I wasn’t making it through the day. I left about 3 to came home and play with the dogs.
I’m not sure how many of you watch Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge, but it’s a reality tv show where 8 competitors compete against each other in physical challenges. They have to be tough, quick and strong. The winner between those 8 people get to attempt his obstacle course. At the end of the course the people are exhausted. Barely able to move. That’s how I feel on days like today. I’m exhausted. I’m out of whatever it is that gives me the strength to get through the day. I have to stop and recharge. Go home, be by myself or with Jimmie and just do nothing.
I’ll be completely honest there for the first month or so after Kaleb died when I’d get home I poured myself a class of crown and Coke and drank it. Not to get drunk just to dull my senses. Sometimes a couple each night. Jimmie was able to show me how that wasn’t helping me it was just covering up the pain. So now if I feel the need to drink I don’t.
So what’s the purpose of the blog, I’m really not sure other than it makes me feel better to record my feelings and thoughts. I miss Kaleb. I miss our perfectly normal boring life. Suicide might end the pain of the person who completes it but it passes it on to everyone that loved that person. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope never to see repeated by anyone.
I tried all morning to find my motivation, to get into the work. I was weepy all morning but kept taking deep breaths thinking I could make it. I took some medicine to try and get control of my emotions. It didn’t really help. In my mind by now I shouldn’t have to depend on medication to get through the day. And it’s not everyday that I need medicine. Maybe once every 2 weeks. It didn’t matter what I tried I wasn’t making it through the day. I left about 3 to came home and play with the dogs.
I’m not sure how many of you watch Steve Austin’s Broken Skull Challenge, but it’s a reality tv show where 8 competitors compete against each other in physical challenges. They have to be tough, quick and strong. The winner between those 8 people get to attempt his obstacle course. At the end of the course the people are exhausted. Barely able to move. That’s how I feel on days like today. I’m exhausted. I’m out of whatever it is that gives me the strength to get through the day. I have to stop and recharge. Go home, be by myself or with Jimmie and just do nothing.
I’ll be completely honest there for the first month or so after Kaleb died when I’d get home I poured myself a class of crown and Coke and drank it. Not to get drunk just to dull my senses. Sometimes a couple each night. Jimmie was able to show me how that wasn’t helping me it was just covering up the pain. So now if I feel the need to drink I don’t.
So what’s the purpose of the blog, I’m really not sure other than it makes me feel better to record my feelings and thoughts. I miss Kaleb. I miss our perfectly normal boring life. Suicide might end the pain of the person who completes it but it passes it on to everyone that loved that person. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope never to see repeated by anyone.
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