Slowly Coming Out Of My Shell

 The emotions are starting to hit a little early this year.  I know it's a mixture of a lot of different things.  Our granddaughter was born on March 1st.  It has been amazing over the last 4 months, watching her grow, keeping her whenever her parents need a break, and seeing the kids turn into wonderful parents.  This is where it gets tough for me.  Kaleb would have been a great uncle, not that she doesn't have great Aunts and Uncles now, but he was great with little kids.  He would have been talking in all the baby voices, playing peek-a-boo and I'm sure pretending to drop her or do some other outrageous thing just to be an entertainer.  She will never get to meet him or hear his huge laugh fill the room, or have to listen to his "wonderful" signing at the top of his lungs.  Thinking about the what ifs always gets the emotions flowing more than normal.  I learned a long time ago I have to let the what ifs go, but sometimes actually doing it is a lot harder.   

Almost 6 years later and I'm having to work to remember all the laughter, joking and good times we had, because since he died, I've focused on what I could have done different.  I've went over every disagreement we ever had to pick it apart for how it could have been handled differently, or how I could have handled an argument, or discipline different than I did.  I could have learned to be more understanding faster.  Hindsight is 20/20, but would it have made a difference?  I'll never know.  This is why I try not to think about the what ifs.  I have always believed that you are put on this earth for a certain number of days and when it's your time, it will be your time.  Whether you are sitting on a couch, watching tv, or parachuting out of a plane.  But in that thought, I was always thinking about my own time on earth.  I never imagined applying it to my children.  Everyone's days are numbered, we never know when it will be the last one and I don't think anyone is ever ready for someone to die but it will still happen when it's their time. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  Mark things off your bucket list early, don't leave a list full of unchecked boxes.  

I think the doubts I have regarding my ability as a mother come from the way he died.  Would it have been different if it was an accident or a sickness.  I don't know, and hopefully I'll never find out.  I do know, since losing him I've gone through every emotion possible and most of them 100s of times.  Child loss is hard.  These emotions and feelings will last the rest of your life.  It's so easy to withdraw completely from everyone around you.  And I'm guilty of that at times.  If I don't let people in, I can't hurt again.  Maybe if I don't see their kids growing up and graduating, they won't see the jealousy in my eyes and I won't feel the stab in my heart.  Having our granddaughter has helped so much.  I'm slowly coming out of my shell because I don't want to miss a second of her growing up.  Whether it's rocking her to sleep, or carrying her around to introduce her to "farm" life, I want to cherish each of these memories.  Kaleb will always be a huge part of our life.  He will forever be missed, but I have to stop wondering what could have been and focus on the here and now and share the good memories.  Stop focusing on the difficult times and make new good times.  He will forever be in our hearts and there will never be anyone just like him and definitely no one that can deliver a one liner or punchline like he could.  He was my beautiful blue-eyed baby boy.  

Am I enough?

Where to even begin.  Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day our life changed forever.  I've learned so much over the last several years.   We've experienced many wonderful firsts, including welcoming 2 wonderful daughter-in-laws into the family.  I've also experienced many things I never even thought would be a trigger.   Watching the grandchildren that were younger than Kaleb, pass him by, who knew that would even be a trigger but the day they turn 17 years 1 month and 2 days old, they are older than Kaleb ever lived to be.  I've learned there are a few things people who haven't lost a child will never understand, some are listed below.  While I'm far from "healed" or "over it", I think everyday is better than the day before.  It's still very hard for me to do large family functions, they can start the downward spiral into thinking, Am I Enough?   

One of the biggest things I've learned is that you change completely the day you lose your child.  At times it's hard to act appropriately to the news around you.  Someones dog died, or their grandfather, while it might seem like an earth shattering, life changing event to them, you look at it in a different light.   That's when you begin to wonder, Am I Enough?  Is there enough of me left to relearn the proper reactions?  The words flow out of my mouth but are they genuine and heartfelt?   It's hard for those around you to watch you struggle and they don't know how to act.  It's easy to drive people away without meaning to.   I Thank God daily for MY PEOPLE.  Mix in my ADHD with the grief and there are times I can be a mess.  Am I Enough of a friend to those around me?  Do I give enough of myself when someone is feeling pain?  

Failure is something I feel often that I rarely felt before.   For a long time I wanted it to be 9/14/15 again so I could have a do over, then I thought about it and I'd never want my son to feel the pain he was feeling again so I decided I don't want a do over.  Then it's "I wasn't enough".  I couldn't save my son how can I be allowed to live a happy life when I couldn't even recognize his pain.   You have to  learn to deal with the emotions that come with this one.  We have 3 other boys, plus daughter-in-laws.  "Am I Enough for them?"  Learning to be present in the moment is something I've definitely learned.  I use to stop and take pictures all the time, and right after I lost him I took tons because what if something else happened, that's all you have left.  The negativity of that thought is what helped me to realize I can't live for the what ifs, I have to live for the right now.  Now I usually forget about taking pictures because I'm busy being in the moment.   Someone else has to take over the job of picture taker.  I'd rather be involved in whatever activity everyone is doing.  

Marriage is hard enough without adding in the loss of a child.  Each person grieves differently.  For 2 people to grieve a child and keep a strong marriage is SO SO HARD.   You have to find the emotions within you and share those with another human, opening yourself up for pain again.  I often times feel like I'm failing my marriage by not being a good enough wife to my husband.   I become withdrawn when I'm having problems dealing with a certain day or time of they year.    This is one of my biggest challenges, shutting out the ones who care about me the most.  It might be what I need, but it could be the opposite of what they need at that moment, compromise, I'm still working on that.  Learning to communicate effectively and learning to forgive is the beginning of healing.   I still wonder daily "Am I Enough" for my marriage because I Love my husband more than he’ll ever know but I forget to show it sometimes.

Am I Enough?  Enough for my husband, enough for our other children, enough for my friends and extended family.  The gaping hole the loss leaves inside your chest does not miraculously fill back up.  You don't just wake up one day and everything is good again.  I see pictures of myself Pre 9/15/15 and I look at my face and my eyes and I see a different person.  The relaxed smiling poses with bright eyes and overall love for life, now there is usually a guarded expression in my eyes, even when I'm smiling.   I don't know what it means to relax, because the busier I keep my mind and my body the less I dwell on it.  

The tsunami of emotions has ebbed, it's now just a slow wave, where the tides change occasionally.  I can go days, sometimes even weeks without negative feelings breaking through, but they are always there in the background, waiting.   I want to love like I did before 9/15.  I want to be happy like I was before 9/15.   It's not that I don't love, and I'm not happy because I am, it's just different.  I know the sooner I learn to live with my life now, the happier I will be.  I still catch myself wishing, wanting, trying to go backwards, like it was all just a dream.  If you saw me on the street on any given day and didn't know my story, I don't think you'd see a mother who lost her son to suicide and who struggles on a daily basis with the question, Am I enough? I think you'd see a short, fluffy middle aged lady with RBF who seems a little grumpy at times and isn't afraid to say what I mean, but hopefully you'd also see someone who might take a little extra time with a child, someone who loves to surprise people in line behind her at sonic, or write a Thank You card, or a note about how much a person means to them.    You never know a person's story, until you ask, even if you've walked one almost like it.  

That is something I tell people who have lost a child since we have lost Kaleb.  Our journey and their journey will be much different.  You will have to learn to recognize your triggers, learn to say No if you aren't up to something one day, but the one thing that is the same, is you can't give up.  Because no matter what we've been through, we have to find a way back to be able to say "I AM ENOUGH!".  I can be there for my children, my husband, my family and friends.  Who I can be ENOUGH for might have changed, I might not spread myself as thin, but I will learn to live in the present, and most importantly I will be there for MY PEOPLE.   

We talk openly about suicide awareness/prevention and mental health with our family, friends and work places.  I ask that you learn to have these difficult conversations with your child or children in your life.  Let them know they ARE ENOUGH.  The world is better with them in it.  That you are there for them whatever they may need.  Teach them how to find judgment free spaces to ask for help if needed, and if they shrug you off or ask why are we even talking about this, tell them that you WANT TO BE ENOUGH.  You want to be that parent, friend, teacher, counselor that was ENOUGH and made that difference.  You never know, if each person reading this impacts just one life then it was ENOUGH.  Think of the lives we could save if we worked together.  

So to Kaleb, we love you now as we loved you then.   I miss your jokes and that belly shaking laugh.  I miss your smell, the feel of those bony limbs you were just growing into jabbing me in my leg or side.   I miss my friend and ice cream sneaking buddy.  I miss the boy who taught me that I didn't know all there was to know about being a mom, you could test me like no other.  You taught me that people can do things different ways and get the same outcome.  You taught me to view the world differently.  For all your teenage boy gruffness,  you were the first to help an elderly neighbor in need.  I even miss your temper.  You were ENOUGH for us, for your friends, for your family, so we to shall learn to be ENOUGH for each other.    

#bekalebsvoice  #teenagesuicide  #recoveryfromloss  #iamenough 

Day 1 of 16 years and cruising

10 hour drive to New Orleans accomplished. New city marked off the bucket list and I remember why I don’t like big cities, way to many people. But I will say after the boring drive through southern Arkansas and Mississippi once we hit the boot of Louisiana it was so cool coming through on 55 seeing  the Marshes and then over Lake Pontchartrain. We saw real live Alligators in the waters beside the highway.  I’m so easily amused in a vehicle. That’s where the amusement ended.

Checkin at Hilton Riverside was difficult. It has so many levels and drop off/parking is at the end of a street so you can only be there for so long before they make you move. Have to have a bellhop to get a luggage cart. Then rooms are separated into 3 different buildings. There have been a few wrong turns but we eventually got settled.

Went across the street to Harrahs casino for dinner after we looked at the hotel restaurant menu and saw that crab dip was $89!! Holy Crap!!!   So we did the buffet at Harrahs and we were not disappointed. It was wonderful. I learned that in New Orleans no matter what you are going to eat it’s going be hotter than expected, the macaroni, the Chinese noodles, but the flavor is awesome. They said don’t you remember watching Swamp People, and Troy putting all those spices on everything??  I said I saw him putting them on there but I don’t have “taste”avision, I have television, I didn’t know what the finished product tasted like. Now I’ve had a Taste Of New Orleans.  After we were stuffed we moved on to the slot machines.  I lost my $20 and Jimmie won our dinner back. It was a no- smoking casino. They had a smoking area outside with a few machines out there. There were a lot of shops, restaurants and bars. I think it’s one of the cleanest casinos I’ve ever been in.

Returned to the room, watched some tv and the ships go by on the river.  Went to bed with the curtains open, mainly because I’m a dork and didn’t figure out there were black out shades behind the sheers until this morning 😂😂. Yep, and that’s the second dumbest thing I did yesterday. I didn’t even write about the dumbest.   Let’s just say it involves an elevator, and I hadn’t even been drinking yet. Bet me and the people in the elevator got a good laugh and I’m sure they got off and had a OMG you’re never going to believe what just happened. Oh well, live and learn. There’s a reason I live in the boonies.  Technology sometimes is not my friend.

We watched the Glory come into port around 6:00 this morning. Been hanging out this morning waiting for boarding time. Definitely not ordering room service. We did walk to the Cafe Du Monde and got beignets for breakfast. I’ve now been there and done that, New Orleans!  Boarding at 11:30, so close now!!

16 years and Cruising Final Preparations

This was the start to my morning. 😂😂 We are only taking Rex to Kamp K9 the first week then Goober is coming next Friday. Rex decided he wasn’t leaving without Goober and Goober  was not happy about being left. So I had one in the house whining to get OUT and one 70 pound Australian Shepherd refusing to load up that kept running back trying to get IN.  Finally end up having to get Goober out and put him in the car to try and coax Rex in but he had figured out it was a trick and was still having none of it. I did finally catch him and carry him to the car (and get his collar back on him).  Poor Goober had to go back in the house. Then had to listen to Rex cry all the way to Kamp K9 because he missed Goober. I’ve never seen a more dependent dog. He has to have another dog around. Get to Kamp K9, Micah carried him in, he was still sulking.  Her husband gets the bright idea to let their dog out to come see him and I’ll be darned if Rex doesn’t perk right up and forget about being unhappy to run off to play with Cooper.  All he needed was a dog forget people.  🙄

Finally make it to work much later than planned.  Had a pretty good day. And you know what time it is?? Vacation time!!! Emergency numbers written for Ryan. He may be an adult but he’ll always be our little boy. Lists made and crossed off. Bags packed and ready. Documents printed.  Leaving for the Big Easy bright and early in the morning.  It’a time to get #16yearsandcruisin started.

Happy Birthday Kaleb Forever 17

Your laugh was unforgettable.  The way your eyes twinkled and that smirk you'd have on your face when you thought you'd got away with something.  That booming voice of yours that could be heard for miles.  The many cowlicks you had causing  unique hair patterns and those sharp knees, elbows and butt bone that you loved to dig into people.  That sharp angular jaw line and those baby blue piercing eyes.  The endless puns, one liners, jokes and punchlines.  Your go or go home attitude.  Not afraid of anything including me.  I never found your "currency" as Dr Phil puts it.  I never learned what made your tick.  You were as unique as they come.

Today is 21 years since I gave birth to you but you were only given 17 years 1 month and 1 day on this earth or 6241 days.  You were so special that's all God had planned for you.  You touched so many people in the days you were given here.  And you are making such a difference even after your death.  You taught me so many things.  You taught me there are different ways to accomplish the same goal, and to respect peoples differences.  You taught me patience and some mean negotiation skills.  You taught me humility and that it's OK to ask for help.  You taught me to live EVERY SINGLE DAY like it's your last because tomorrow isn't promised for anyone.

I believe that everyone is only given so many days on this earth.  I've always believed when it's your time, it's your time whether you’re driving a race car, swimming with sharks, skydiving or sitting at home on your couch, when your time is up, it's up.  I wasn't able to apply it to your death until recently.  But it must have been your time.  No matter how you go, if it wouldn't have been your time, you'd still be here.  So I've stopped imagining a career, wedding, grandkids because I know they were never in  your cards.  You were given to us for 6241 days, to make a difference in our lives for that time, and then for us to make a difference in other peoples lives for the rest of ours however many more days that may be.

So I'll celebrate the day of your birth and this marks 21 years since the day of your birth but you are Forever 17.  Love you forever Kaleb.  I will continue to #BeKalebsVoice in the fight against Suicide and to help bring Suicide Awareness programs into the mainstream.

Countdown to Cruising 2019 - need a catchy name

I need a catchy phrase for our 2019 vacation.  This is a repeat of a cruise we did 9 years ago, so maybe somethings x 2, or do over.  We're going to the Bahamas and it's for our anniversary, so any of those things could be used for the name also.  We're sailing on Carnival Glory, out of New Orleans with my in-laws.  Ok, that's about it.  Any ideas are appreciated but I'm having a block.  I can't come up with any catchy hashtags to name the cruise.  We are cruising on a different ship out of a different port.  So it's not a repeat of the Glory or New Orleans, just so there is no confusion on names.

Other than that, we are down to we leave for the drive in 4 days.  Saturday morning about 4:00 a.m. can't get here soon enough.  Bags are almost all packed, final arrangements made for house sitter, dog sitters, grooming for the dogs while we're away has all been taken care of.  Working on finishing up final instructions for work stuff and wrapping up final projects and doing last few days of "daily" work.

Tuesday is work and hair appointment day.  Everyone has to have a fresh hair-do for a trip.  Getting my highlights done and a haircut.  If it's called a haircut when you are growing it out in front.  I realized after I cut off my hair this last time, that I wasn't able to wear my CC Beanies in the winter time as my hair was to short.  I looked bald.  So now I'm working on growing out some hair for a stacked bob so I can wear my hats in the winter time.  The things we do to have a warm head in the wintertime.

I'm off Wednesday to spend the day celebrating Kaleb's birthday and pampering my fingers and toes.  I'll pretend he's there with me.  That would have been funny.  One his feet were ticklish so he'd have never made it through the pedicure and would have been overly dramatic about it and two he'd have given us every fact about how pedicures came to be whether they were true or not, I'd have had to look them up to see.

Thursday is a full day of work.

Friday is drop of Rex at Kamp K-9 at 8:00 in the morning when they open.  He's staying the full time at Kamp K-9, while Goober gets to stay with Ryan at the house the majority of the trip.  Rex is still an overgrown puppy and needs a little more oversight than Goober does.   This way he gets lost of play time and other dogs and people to play with, while Goober will get some one on one time with his boy.  Then the next Friday Ryan will bring Goober out to join Rex and they'll both get groomed on Saturday.
Anyone that is ever looking for a boarding place for your dogs and they are over 6 months old and have all their shots, Kamp K-9 is the best place ever.  Our dogs love it.  After drop offs it’s to work for the day and then home to make sure everything is packed.
Then off to bed that night, after checking to make sure EVERYTHING is packed and that the boarding passes are accessible and in the carry on luggage.  Hopefully this cruise I don't lay a bag down with my camera in it and walk off the ship.  I might have ducked security while they were busy and ran back on the ship to grab my bag.  Hey, I love my camera and it had all my trip pictures on it and we know how I love pictures and photo ops!  I just thanked him and smiled as sweet as possible as I passed him my 2nd time exiting the ship.  Oops.

Saturday - up at 3, leave our house at 4:00 to get to inlaws and get everything in the truck and loaded and ready to leave by 5:00.  On the road to New Orleans!

Here’s to a great no name vacation!

Learning the Ins and Outs of Cruising with Wifi

It's been about 6 years since we've been on a cruise and the cruising industry has changed quite a bit.  Six years ago, people unplugged when they cruised.  They only using their phones in ports where they could find wifi available.  Or they paid high fees from their mobile plans to use their devises while they were away.  Data fees were outrageous. 

I remember locking my phone in the safe for the 7 days, and realizing to late that I didn't bring a watch so I had no idea what time it was because I depended on my phone to tell me.   Then on that 7th day bringing my phone out and spending the whole drive home catching up with the real world.  What happened while I was away on vacation.  And uploading tons of photos to store forever in clouds somewhere for safe keeping.

Now, wifi plans is available on most ships.  We are going to cruise with Carnival and the ship we will be on, the Glory, offers 3 different plans:  Social, Value & Premium.   This is how in touch with the world everyone has to be, 3 different plans so everyone's needs are met.  We don't unplug, even when on vacation anymore.  I've always kept a journal on our vacations to remember the great times we had, the places we visited and the people we met.  This time I've decided to blog our trip instead, which brings me to having to learn about wifi on cruises.  I've never dealt with using digital devices while on a cruise.  We cruised fairly often for several years, but then haven't cruised in the last 6 years.  Sometimes life happens and plans change.

I've posted on the Shipmate app with some questions regarding which plan would be a good choice for our ship and my plan to blog to get input from people who have cruised recently on the Glory.  I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here, just trying to learn about what people do every day without racking up crap tons of data charges. One person says Glory has extremely slow and non-existent in places wifi, another person says getting the value package should work fine and that they are going on the Glory in July and will try and remember to update me on the speed/accessibility of the wifi.  Which it's not the end of the world if I can't post as the cruise goes along.   I'd like to be able to communicate with my kids occasionally during the week but if I can't post my blogs until we disembark that's fine.

It's been so long since we've cruised and almost a year since our last vacation, I'm definitely ready for a weeks vacation.  I read an article about a company that started paying their employees $2000 to go somewhere for vacation.  They only received the money if they actually scheduled a trip and went away for a true vacation.  If they didn't have the money to afford a plane ticket up front, they could put it on the company credit card and then the remainder of their trip would be reimbursed up to the $2000 limit.  It was a way of encouraging their employees to take scheduled time off and recharge their batteries.  Some people work and work and never take more than a day at a time.  Then you have others that are always off.  The ones that never take a week of vacation will experience burn out in their positions.  So this was their way of controlling employee turn over.  And if you think about it, the cost of training new employees, not just to that employee, but for the other employees that are picking up the work load while the new employee is training is quite significant.  so compare that to $2000 to hold on to your already trained employees.  I could see how that would benefit companies.

Not sure how I got off on that topic, but it is an interesting thought.  I've always been one to take at least 1 solid week vacation per year.  I need time to recharge completely.  And actually going on a cruise and turning off the email, skype, texts is the only way I will truly leave work at work.  If I stay in the country, I'll continue to work so cruising is a perfect vacation.  With the WiFi package this time I'll have to make a conscious decision to not check in at work.  I'll speak to people there as friends, but I'm truly check out this year on vacation.  So be prepared in about 51 days for hopefully daily blogs.  If there are no blogs happening after I say I'm on vacation, then there will be 7 blogs all at once when I get back because I look forward to sitting on the Lido deck, or in one of the picture windows staring out at the ocean on a sea day and blogging away.  Lost in my own world. 

Happy Birthday Jimmie

Today is a special day.  The love of my life turns 59.  I'll never be able to say with words how special he is to me, or how much he means to me.  He spoils me and treats me like a princess.  But those aren't the reasons that I love him.  I love him because he will sing to me when I least expect it.  He knows what my favorite things are even when I don't.  He understands that I'm never still and sometimes get lost in my head.  And he's ok with that.  He's a family man and not afraid to let anyone know it.  He's stood by my side through the best of times and through the worst of times.  We've ridden together on 2 wheels, 4 wheels, 6 wheels and sometimes even no wheels.  He may say he HATES my driving, but I think secretly he's a fan of it or he wouldn't have me drive so often.

Now we both have a strong personality, so when we disagree, you can bet we strongly disagree, but we know at the end of the day we'll be there for each other.  There's nothing that is going to come between us.  Just because I don't know the correct names of a X screwdriver and a flat screwdriver or the difference between a wrench and pliers or wire cutters and he just doesn't understand it, don't mean he doesn't love me, he just might not have much patience with me sometimes.  Lol  Like after he's told me fifteen times to bring him the blue handled pliers and I bring him needle nosed something or others.  Why you gotta have so many tools anyway.  I can be a pain in anyone's behind with all my questions and suggestions on how we could do things faster or better.  I don't mean to be bossy, I was just born that way.

In a couple more months we'll be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary.  He's planned a vacation to celebrate it.  (see I am spoiled)  So anyone that runs across my husband today, tomorrow, this week or heck even the rest of this month, wish him a Happy Birthday.  He deserves it for putting up with my speeding, daredevil driving, opinionated, bossy self.

Happy Birthday to my husband. You are the best!

Mental Health Awareness Month & Blogging

With May being Mental Health Awareness month I’m posting a lot more than normal on Kaleb’s Story Facebook page. There is always certain times of the year that I will post more than others.  If it was a perfect world, or if I ran a blog page or non-profit page full-time this might not be the case but as it stands I do still have other priorities.  That’s not to say that makes this any less important. It just means there are times of the year that I spend every lunch hour, evening or weekend searching out the best quotes of the day, or researching statistics, working on fundraising and writing meaningful blogs.

When I began this blog page I decided I’d never write a blog just to fill a quota or to have something to post that day. That’s why sometimes it’s months between them and sometimes only days.  Sometimes they are so personal I leave them as drafts and never post them.   A lot of my posts are about suicide prevention, grief, healing after loss and mental health but that’s not all that we are.   In the coming months we will be going on vacation and I plan on blogging each day as WiFi allows and sharing on my personal Facebook since it’s not related to Kaleb’s Story page.

That’s one thing that some people may not have a grasp of. Yes, we lost our son and our life changed forever, but our daily lives are just like anyone else’s. We get up, go to work to earn a living. We work around our house and we go on vacations. The difference, everything we do, we do with a piece of our heart missing.  Anything might remind us of him. Looking at souvenirs on vacation we might find his name spelled correctly or we might find one of those machines that flattens pennies. He collected those everywhere we went. Those little reminders will put a smile on our face as we remember the good times. Or on a bad day they might bring a tear to our eye as we get frustrated or sad. We might see an awkward gangly teenager that looks just like him from the back and for a split second forget our life changed forever.  But we are a normal family 90% of the time.

I hope if you chose to read our vacation blogs that you enjoy them. Those will be posted in August. If I’m unable to post them each day of the trip then I’ll post them all when we get back from vacation.  If you don’t want to read them  then you’ll probably want to skip the August blogs labeled Vacation. I’m excited to return to cruising after a 6 year hiatus from it.

Here’s to more posts and more blogs to bring awareness, tips, and statistics to each of you in the near future. I’ll try and do the research for you and bring you motivational quotes when you might need them most.  Because you are important! You Matter! And Most Importantly YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!  #BeKalebsVoice

Springtime & vacation

I LOVE SPRINGTIME!!

Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons.  Seeing everything come to life.  The brown ugly branches of trees, blossoming with fresh green foliage, flowers beginning to bloom and listening to the gurgle of streams flowing with spring rains.   These things bring me such Joy!  

What brings you happiness?  What brings you joy?  I have simple answers now.  My husband, kids, family, friends and sunshine.    What's better on a sunny spring day than driving with the sunroof back and the windows down?  You get the wind in your hair, sun on your skin and you just feel your body soaking up the freshness in the air.  

We traded my Jeep Wrangler over the winter.  As soon as I mentioned I was considering trading it in, my husband jumped on it.  I had already looked at some vehicles and I told him my list of requirements for a new vehicle. 

1.  had to be a Jeep brand   

2.  had to be 4 doors  

3.  had to have a sunroof  

He tried to debate that a sunroof was not a necessity.  That's a deal breaker for me.  I'm a Jeep girl and going from a Wrangler to an SUV type vehicle, it wasn't an option to not have a sunroof.  My trailblazer before my Jeep had a sunroof even.   I can't handle a car with a closed in roof and drive it every day.  I don't use my A/C often.  I use windows and sunroof not because I like to be hot, but because I love the wind and the sunshine.  In hindsight the black leather seats weren't the brightest choice, but I love my Jeep Cherokee Limited WITH a dual pane sunroof that is MOST of the roof space.  Sorry to anyone riding in the backseat with the sun beating down on you, but my sunroof is awesome!

We have a cruise planned in August for our 16th wedding anniversary.  The last few years we've planned our vacation around the anniversary of Kaleb's death.  This year we are vacationing around a celebration and there is nothing I love more than travel and cruising. Just planning for the cruise makes me happy.  Thinking about the sunshine and knowing the wind that will be present on the ship while it's sailing keeps my mood up.  We've visited the ports we're going to previously but it was during the winter time and during an arctic blast.  It was actually 2009 the year of the ice storm here at home when everyone was without power for so long.  We missed it all.  We were on a ship cruising.  I won't say enjoying the weather, because that is still to date the only cruise we have been on where we froze most of the cruise and had to buy jackets and sweatshirts in ports.  We were not packed appropriately.  So we are redoing that cruise but in the summertime.  I'm hoping to blog throughout our cruise and post about our days on the ship and in port.  We haven't cruised in about 7 years.  The difference in the internet access is amazing.  We'll still be unplugging from society for the most part.  No work, phones for pictures only.  Internet for blogging.  It will be nice to unplug and get a rest from the screens for a large majority of the daytime.  Live life instead of reading about it, or seeing it through tv shows, or other peoples pictures or vlogs.  It will give us time to recharge our inner batteries.  

While we won't be vacationing around Kaleb's anniversary I'll always take off for his birthday in August and a couple of days for the anniversary of his death in September.  Those will always be times that I need to take for myself away from others.  That's the way I deal.  I unplug from people.  I don't think that's always a bad thing.  It's a way of recharging me.  Same as a vacation recharges you body and soul.  Those days recharge me mentally to face another year.  Same as trees go dormant through the winter to bloom again in the spring.  It's ok to go quiet for a little while as long as you bloom again the next day or the next year.  Each year that passes maybe my blooms will get a little brighter.   

Jeep Worthy!

Have you ever had something that you are more attached to than a normal person should be?  My Jeep is that way to me.  I LOVE my Jeep.  Loved it when I bought it.  I'd wanted one forever.  My husband was never a fan of it, not enough head or leg room.  He didn’t think it was safe enough for me. It definitely doesn't ride like a car and there isn't an electronic piece of equipment on it, from roll down windows, to push in locks and a key you actually put in the door to unlock it.  Who knew those things still existed. We couldn't take it on trips so it added up miles on his vehicles because my Jeep was only driven during the week by me to and from work.  Or in the beginning hauling Kaleb around until he got his drivers license. 

 It's a 2013 and I've owned it since the day it drove off the lot.  So why do I love my Jeep so bad.  In the beginning  I loved the freedom of taking the top off when I wanted, the wind in my hair, sun on my skin.  Didn't matter if I had to have the heater on while this was occurring, it was the point that I could do it.  I can park it anywhere, it zips around town, or curvy roads quickly and we all know how I like to drive.  I probably didn't use the air conditioner the first couple of years I had it, didn't matter how hot it got, I used the windows because that's why I got it.  I love to be outside and feel the sun and the wind.  Don't get me wrong I still do these things to this day.  There are just new reasons I love my Jeep now.  

But the reason has changed.  This is the Jeep that Kaleb learned to drive in.  He took his driver's test in it.  Who else goes to take their driver's test, parks in the state police parking lot and someone else taking their test backs into your vehicle.  Only Kaleb.  Thank goodness it was a Jeep, they only hit the spare tire on the back and scuffed up my cover.  But the look in his eyes when the State Trooper walked in and asked who was driving the Jeep Wrangler and he had to say him.  Priceless.  This is the vehicle we made our Braum's runs in and hid our napkins in the console until we could get to a trashcan so there was no evidence.  Speaking of Braums, never buy ice cream and try and drive with the top off.  It sprays everywhere, as we found out one summer day on a trip back from Lake Fort Smith with Ryan and Kaleb.  It's the memories that are in this Jeep that make it special.  I can't make new memories with Kaleb in them.  He'll never be in a new car with me.  

It's also the vehicle I was driving that last morning when I left him at the gas station getting gas.  The last time I saw him alive.  As I waved goodbye and said I love you.  Same vehicle I drove home that day as I was given the news about his death.  It's made many countless trips to the cemetery with me.  So when is a car not a car?  When it's a Jeep that holds your precious memories that are irreplaceable. The memories will always be in my heart, but to not be surrounded by them every time I drive will be hard as I trade in my Jeep that has been my baby for almost 6 years.  To be a grown up and let practicality outweigh the sentimental attachment is hard.  There is no Blue Book value on what my Jeep is worth to me.  It's Priceless.  No one will be able to love Zippy as much as I do.  They'll never appreciate the memories that were made in it.  But maybe some family will get to make new memories in it.  

"My Journey" Making it Memorable

     

For those that know me well, you know it's getting close to that time of year when I struggle.  It doesn't matter how happy I am in life, because let's face it, I'm surrounded by a pretty awesome group of family and friends.  I live in the most beautiful and peaceful surroundings imaginable but the next 2 months will always suck for me.  We were watching drag racing last weekend as we do most Saturdays and Sundays when its that season and there was an interview on there with Clay Millican labeled "My Journey" and he discussed losing his son Dalton at the age of 22 to a motorcycle accident.  He talked about the knock at the door and hearing those words.  It hit me in the heart.  To hear another parent talking about " that moment" hurts my heart so bad.  Because you can't even describe that pain.  Even though our losses were two completely different kinds of loss, they are still the same.  We both are left without one of our sons.  You also realize there are so many people out there on this terrible journey with us.  I guess I don't remember this happening because it's so close to the time we lost our Kaleb.
   
     I'm thankful we as a couple have been strong enough to be able to beat the odds.  I'm thankful we as a family did not crumble.  When I have down days, one of my best friends always tells me, "we're going to get through this, even if I have to push, pull or drag you through it".  I have no doubt she would do that.  We couldn't ask to be surrounded by better people.  They know when we need space, and they know when we need to have people around us to keep us busy.   I'm not always able to go to family gatherings, or attend holidays because it might not be a good time for me.  One thing people don't always understand is if I cry when we talk about Kaleb, it's not always because I'm sad.  Sometimes they are happy tears because of the joy of remembering him and talking about the memories from his journey.  Or remembering something new.  And if I ever happen across a new picture or a new video where I can hear his voice that I've never heard before, you can bet I'll cry.  Not from sadness but just from joy of a new memory I get to experience.

     My blogs have gotten further and further apart.  Sometimes I still blog, but I don't post the blog.  I leave it as a draft, or don't share it.  It still helps me.  So here's to year 3.  August 14th, 2018 he'd have been 20.  No longer a teenager.    Wondering what would he have been like, what would he be doing, is hard.  But probably what's harder is trying to remember his laugh, his smell, and the feel of those bony sweaty arms as he'd try to give me a gross sweaty hug just because he knew it'd bother me.  September 15, 2018, yeah, don't expect to hear from me that day.  The AFSP River Valley Out of the Darkness walk is the next day.  We did the walk last year.  We opened a team up this year, Kaleb's Army, but last year, it was a almost a month after the anniversary.  I'm good with collecting and contributing donations, but I don't know if I'll actually be able to go to the event this year.  Not sure I'll be ready for crowds and to be able to give that emotional support needed to attend it.  I'm not much of a people person on my good days.

     I know most everyone has seen the tragic news about the Ride the Ducks tragedy in Branson and I'm sure so many of us have ridden those very same Ducks either there, or in Hot Springs.  The people who lost their life that day had no idea their journey was going to end.  I'm sure they had plans for the future.  Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.  I thank God everyday for giving me one more day and Blessing me with those around me.  Our move last year had a lot to do with living our dream life.  When you decided to down size and live in a 28 foot camper for a year so that you can save and get a house onto your property in the middle of no where, that's taking a chance.  We could have just kept saying "someday".  Finally we said no, if we're going to do this, now is the time.  The opportunity presented itself and we jumped.  Now when I walk out on our porch, and look out over the pond, there is a feeling of Peace.  This is our little piece of Heaven and I can only speak for myself but I feel closer to Kaleb there.

     Each of us are on our own Journeys.  To anyone that has outlived their child, your journey just took an alternate route than other people.  It doesn't have to make it a bad journey.  We only get one journey what have you done to make yours memorable lately? 

   

Kaleb's Army - 2 years later

I've written and rewritten this blog twice now, this is the 3rd time.  The first was full of facts and impersonal, the 2nd was to personal and was just me talking to Kaleb.  This one is going to be short and simple.  I have put the settings of this blog to public so it can be shared if you wish to do so.

Two years ago today we suffered the biggest loss I can imagine when Kaleb died by suicide.  Our family and friends have worked everyday since trying to put our lives back together.  It was a loss we never saw coming, will never understand and it changed the course of so many people's lives.  Our family remembers Kaleb everyday.  We speak his name proudly.  There is no shame in our voices.  Our son lived 17 years making people laugh, telling many jokes, being a pain in people's back sides, and never meeting a stranger.  There will never be another Kaleb.  We want him remembered as he lived not how he died.

Having said that, we have chosen to particpate in the AFSP - River Valley Out of the Darkness Walk - to be held at Ben Geren, October 8th, 2017.  We have put together a team in memory of Kaleb.  "Kaleb's Army"  Kaleb's battle might be over but we will continue the fight for him to see that others get the help and education they need in the fight against suicide.  I have included a link below to our team's page.  You can click on the link and it will take you to the website where you can join our  roster to participate in the walk, or just to show your support.  There is also a place if you choose to donate you can donate to the AFSP-Out of the Darkness Walk using a debit or credit card or a pay pal account.  The money goes directly to the AFSP and is tax deductible.  It is credited to our team (Kaleb's Army) for the walk.

https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/Karen-Pate

The main point of this blog isn't about the fundraising but about the journey.  This journey we have been on has given us platform to help us raise Awareness about Suicide.  This is not something that was ever on my radar as something that would impact our lives.  I'm a speech giver, just ask my kids.  They've had speeches on everything from elevator etiquette (when my dad was in and out of the hospital so much it was important to know this), to what to do if your brakes go out on your car.  As they were growing up we talked about every scenario I could come up with and how to handle it.  This wasn't a chapter in my book of "what ifs".  I want to add this to someone else's book.  Not just an addendum, but a full chapter on Suicide Prevention/Awareness.  Teaming up with the AFSP helps do this.  Scroll through their website and look at what their funds are used for.  I want to help break the stigma surrounding Suicide.  Don't sweep it under the rug, or never speak of it.  Talk openly with your kids about it so they know how to ask for and receive help.  Let them know it's ok to ask for help if they need it.

If you need help, or someone to talk to please call someone that can help you.

Happy Birthday Kaleb

Kaleb's birthday passed yesterday and for some reason this one was harder on me than last year.   It took me a while to figure out why but I think I've finally figured it out.  I've talked about it before, the closeness in age my boys had.  They were always talked about as a unit. "The boys"  When anyone in the family referred to my children they referred to them as "the boys".  I did the same thing.  When you  have 3 single pregnancies within 4 years you have kids stair stepped.  The way their birthdays fell they did fall with a year between each of them in school.  They should have graduated in 2012, 2014 and 2016.  So Tyler was kind of in the middle of his age group for his year.  Ryan was an older one for his school year and Kaleb was the baby of his school year barely making the cutoff to go to school that year.

This I believe is why I am having more problems this year.  As I have dreams that include "the boys"  or as I think about them.  Tyler and Ryan are aging.  They are 23 and 21 now.  When I picture them, I picture them at their current age.  Kaleb should be turning 19.  But when I picture him he's still 17.  There is a gap forming and everyday it gets a little wider.  Two of the boys are turning into men and Kaleb is left behind for always. In an earlier blog I'd talked about having problems saying "the boys" now in reference to only Tyler and Ryan.  If discussing all of our children, Austin, Tyler, Ryan and Kaleb it was "Our boys" and I can still say that but I still wince each time I say "the boys".

I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me.  I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17.  I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking.  Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully.  So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know.  I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year.  Maybe next year!

 I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year.  For me they are for 2 things.  One, a healing process for me.  I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision.  Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince  you they weren't serious.  Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there.  Reach out to someone.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture.  Don't say how can I  make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today.  Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.

I love Kaleb beyond description.  I am at Peace with his death.  That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed.  I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself.  There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny.  I've called him every name under the sun.  Does that mean my love for him is any less?  No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him.  That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him.  I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings.  Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day.  I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with.  So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day.  So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day.   Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have  to be anything huge.  Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.

Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!

A New Year

It's been a while since I've blogged. Getting through the Holidays was a little rougher than I expected.  Not sure what we will do for this year yet.  Now it's a New Year, 2017.  That means we lived all of 2016 without Kaleb physically.  A whole year that Kaleb wasn't part of, how is that possible?  We choose to talk openly about him.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't mention his name.  I might be folding laundry and get sidetracked watching TV and Jimmie will say "ok, Kaleb, finish what you were doing."  I have mentioned before that we share that ADD trait.  He came by it honestly. 

There was a time after he died where I would get upset when I'd hear people post negative things about their kids or hear them talking negatively about them. I was so jealous. I wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were to have them to be upset at.  I've changed.  I'm not jealous of them. To be jealous I would have to want what they have and I wouldn't trade Kaleb for anything.  He might have been a pain in my ass but he was my pain in the ass.  He taught me many things in his 17 years.  I was not a perfect parent and he was not a perfect child.  He taught me patience.  He functioned on his own time table. He did not do things on my time, he did them on Kaleb's time.  I learned to say "can you have it done by "whatever: time, then he could choose when he did it.  This way he had input on when he did it.  He taught me to pick my battles.  He taught me to compromise.  He taught me there is more than one way to get the job done. As long as its done correctly and no one got hurt or arrested in the process does it really matter how it got done?  There were some things  we never agreed on.  You are not allowed to slam doors in my house.  I might have removed a few bedroom doors in their teen years.  Right wrong or indifferent it was my rule.  If you broke that rule you knew that was the consequence.  You got a warning and a chance to shut it correctly if that didn't happen then the whole house was punished because then everyone in the house had to listen to whatever music, game, TV show or whatever was going on in the bedroom until I gave the door back. 

Even in his death he is still teaching me things. He has taught me compassion and empathy.  You never know what someone is going through in their life. Take the time to talk to people and listen to their story.  I'm learning to listen more.   I don't know all the answers and never will but I do know that I will live my life to the best of my ability.  I will do unto others as I would have them do unto me.  I will not judge others choices.  I may not agree with them but it's not my job to judge them.  I am not an enabler.  While I say I will not judge others I also said it doesn't mean I agree with them.  If you choose to make bad life choices, I will choose to not be around you.  His death taught me one of the biggest lessons of all.  You don't always get what you want in life.  My "perfect" life is what I make it.  No amount of protesting or rioting or blaming others will bring him back.  I make choices to support the AFSP, I choose to blog about our personal struggle to raise awareness about suicide prevention.  It might not be something that will make the National news because it's not creating controversy that will stir the pot but maybe it will reach one person who might be contemplating suicide, and make them think of the consequences of forever. That's how long it will be before they'll see their parents, siblings, and friends again.  What seems bad today might seem insignificant tomorrow. Maybe it might reach one family who has just started this ugly journey and bring them some hope that one day they will be able to breathe again.  Or maybe it will just help bring me more Peace on this journey.               

We are use to the quiet now.  Going from a house full of boys until Tyler graduated in 2012, to just the 2 of us and the dog this last year is a massive difference.  We appreciate when the kids come to visit now.  Not hearing TVs or music coming from the other bedrooms or card games in the kitchen, the thump, thump, thump of the basketball outside is something it took a while to get use to.  Now this is  our Peace. We come home to get away from the real world. It is quiet and it is Peaceful.  One day we will find the perfect house to be our forever home but for now we are happy where we are in our temporary home. 

My birthday week

So Saturday is my birthday.  Last year it was hard because it was the "first" first after losing Kaleb.  The first thing we celebrated without him.  Which means this year it's the first thing that he was never a part of for the whole year.  I was 43 years old all year and Kaleb missed all of it.  I don't think I really thought much about how that would feel to me, but I can tell it has affected me.  Usually I'm all about having a birthday.  And honestly this year I don't think I really have had the excitement I usually do.

My birthday falls at the best time of year.  It's usually fair time so I get grilled corn and deer season always opens right around my birthday.  All the fall stuff is out.  Time to buy new clothes for fall/winter.  (the only time of year I will actually shop much)   I love the time of year my birthday falls.  I really thought things would get a little more back to normal not thinking about the firsts, but I guess my perspective is forever changed.  I'm more thankful this year.  I'm thankful to have had another full year of life.  I'm thankful to have great friends and family.  I'm thankful for our boys.

Age doesn't bother me because it's just a number.  It's how you feel on the inside that matters.  Maybe I'm slow to mature, maybe I'll never act my age, whatever it is, I know it's not that I'm getting older that is keeping me more solemn.  It's the questions.  Why did I get to have another year and he didn't?  How do you make it a whole year without your child?  What is God's plan for me that I'm still here?  Is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make a difference?

This year I've become more of a thinker.  I've caught myself being more forgiving of people, thinking you never know what they might be going through right now.  I'm working to become more like Tim McGraw's song "Humble and Kind".   I want people to enjoy being around me and to feel good about themselves.  I still catch myself making negative comments, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was before. I'm trying to be more considerate of others.  To be a better wife, better mother, better friend.  Now at times if I think about an old friend, I'll stop and drop them a text, or a picture of a sunset or something else they may enjoy.  I want people to know they are important in my life even if we don't see each other all the time.   How many people only look at facebook but never comment, only share cute bunny rabbits or fake news stories?   I've started taking time and commenting more.  Not because I care more than I did before, when I would smile as I read something and scroll on past.   I still care the same, but I know people can't read my mind and see that I enjoy seeing their posts of their kids, a look into their daily lives.  So my goal for my 44th year, my 23rd year as a mother, my 13th year as a wife and stepmother, my 2nd year without Kaleb is to become more involved in people's lives around me.  Contribute more instead of standing back and being the wallflower.  Work on my social skills more.  Work on being more of a giver.

So to anyone that has read this far.  Happy Fall Y'all.  Get outside, enjoy the foliage.  Take a minute and watch a sunset or a sunrise.  Find a purpose in life and make a difference.  Instead of participating in the negative be part of the change.  Find the positive in each day.

A different perspective

Everyday I wake up and find something to be thankful for.  Whether it's having clothes to wear,  a job to go to, or just making a green light on the way to work. Finding the positive things in life help me get from day to day.  Some days are harder than others.  Occasionally I still have days where I just can't get out of a funk. I have problems being truly thankful. It's hard to not judge other people and ask "why us?" I hear people everyday that are complaining about things that to me, would be a Blessing.  I'd love to be able to tie my son's shoe, or fix his unruly hair, or hear him talk back to me. I know when those things were occurring I didn't have the same attitude towards them.  We might not have seen eye to eye. We had different visions for his future. But I loved him with all my heart. I'm sorry for taking him for granted. For always assuming there would be a next time.

People sometimes lose patience with me always wanting to take pictures. But when you know what it's like to only have pictures left of someone that should have outlived you, who should have had plenty more tomorrows but didn't, then it's hard to not want to digitally record great memories.  You never know when that's all  you'll have.  I know firsthand there are times where I've grasped around to try and find new pictures or video of Kaleb.  There are no new memories being made.  The only way to get a new memory is to see a picture or video, I've never seen before.  As time passes those become fewer and farther in between.  I know there are pictures out there.  Kids have cell phones and instagrams, twitters and facebooks.  It's hard to not become obsessed with wanting to track more down.  Just to see a new expression on his face, or a different background.

I go through phases where I have nightmares now.  I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on.  They aren't all about Kaleb.  They are about other bad things happening in my life.  I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy.  Our boys are grown and out of the home.  I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call.  I have a fear of missing calls now.  

I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy.  I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on.  Now, I don't want to look.  I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day.  I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down.  I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain.  I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet.  Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them.  I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day.  It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday.  And I know they  have to respond to calls of people they know.  There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally.  It wasn't some random stranger they were there for.  It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question.  Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes.  I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.

We've made it through the "firsts".  We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley.  Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley.  We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together.  So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help.  I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed.  I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people.  That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries.  From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait.  I'm so blessed people read it and shared it.  Letting people know there is help available is key.  Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide.  Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.

Thank you to everyone that shared it.  Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.

We love you Kaleb.  

One year ago today

Sharing again on this 3rd anniversary in 2018. The pain never goes away. You just learn new coping mechanisms. Thank you to everyone that has supported us on this journey.

One year ago today we lost Kaleb. September is National Suicide Prevention month.  To help spread awareness I ask that anyone who sees this post please SHARE it.

If someone needs help give them the National Suicide Hotline  1-800-273-8255

Our Story:

1 year ago today we were a normal middle class family.  I had a grown stepson, 2 sons in college and our youngest son Kaleb was a senior in high school.  Kaleb was our handful.  He was smart, opinionated, funny and not always socially appropriate.  He had a grown up sense of humor from the time he was small.  He had the art of administering a punch line down perfect.  Kaleb never met a stranger, or at least they weren't a stranger for long.  He'd start a conversation with anyone.  He also struggled with severe ADHD.  His plans after high school were to join the military. A perfect child he was not.  Same as I was not a perfect parent.  Of all our kids, Kaleb and I butted heads most often.  There was a very wide gap between what I deemed acceptable behavior and what he deemed acceptable behavior.  Not seeing eye to eye led to many disagreements.  I am a stubborn hard headed person and I met my match with him.  Maybe it was my love for him, or maybe it was my want to ensure I raised proper young men that would make positive contributions to the grownup world, I'm not sure, but there was something about him that had me putting in a lot of hours to keep him on the right path.  Helping him find his way in a world that wasn't always equipped to handle his exuberance.  

He came into this world 7 pounds even.  Even as a toddler there was no stopping him.  It took multiple people to keep him out of trouble.  1st week of kindergarten we got a call that he might need to be checked for ADHD.  Our pediatrician just said he'd been expecting us, just not as quickly as he got sent.  He spent 12 years on every ADHD medication made.  He suffered different side effects with different medications.  We stuck with the ones with the fewest side effects that enabled him to remain focused the longest.  School was a struggle for him from day 1.  

Kaleb was over the top with everything.  He talked loud, he told the funniest stories, but his laughter was the best.  He had the biggest belly laugh you've ever heard.  That and his singing.  Boy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but he belted his favorite songs at the top of his lungs.  The boys bathroom was off our living room and there were many times I had to ask him to lower the volume in the shower because we couldn't hear the tv.  He was also the first one to hold a door open for a stranger, or help an elderly person.  If he wanted to accomplish something he did.  I remember the first trip to Silver Dollar City when he was finally old enough to ride the "big" rides.  He rode every roller coaster there with both hands thrown up in the air.  No care in world, no fear whatsoever.  He was an adrenaline junky.  "He was"  That is how I speak of him now.  He was my baby boy.  He was my partner in crime.  

On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm, I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed  our life forever.  

One year ago today. Since then I've studied the statistics. I've shared countless educational things about suicide statistics and suicide prevention. That's all I can do now. Try and educate others on how to get help so another normal family doesn't have to learn how to navigate these difficult waters.  So as we go through this day, one year since losing our youngest son, I ask that you let those around you know that you are there for them. You can listen and there is help available.

To anyone that needs help, feels down or doesn't know where to turn. Call the number above. Talk to your family or your doctor. Know that what you are feeling now is temporary and there are ways to get help. I pray everyday that somehow, someway we are able to make a difference in someone's life. We will miss Kaleb everyday for the rest of our life. That feeling is not temporary. There is nothing that can help take away the pain for us, his brothers, grandparents, extended family, friends or acquaintances.

1 year, 52 weeks, 12 months, 366 days, 8,784 hours.........

As the year starts to come to a close, We're doing better. We have our ups and downs. I believe we've found our new normal. I dread my Facebook memories in 14 days. I think I'll take a vacation from Facebook for at least a few days starting on the 15th of September.  I have no urge to relive the nightmare from a year ago.  I'm thinking about marking something positive off my bucket list on that day.  Maybe that will be the day I try paddle boarding.

I've been thinking about why I do these blogs. Is it good for me or detrimental to my mental health?  Does it prolong my grief, or help me handle it?  Does it help anyone out there?  It helps me put my thoughts into perspective. Like going to grief share helped me see that anything is possible.  Life sucks sometimes but what you do afterwards decides if it will suck forever.

Honestly I use to feel guilty if someone saw me in public and I was laughing. Not anymore. I'm 43 years old. I've raised 3 children in my home. There have been good times and there have been hard times. We might not like the hand we were dealt but I'm going to make the most of my future. I will laugh, I will play, I will have fun. I will also cry, I will grieve and I will always have questions that will remain unanswered.  With that I will also have our other children, dreams, plans and a future.

The anniversary of Kaleb's death just happens to fall during Suicide Prevention month.  I will not celebrate the day of his death.   But on that day I will work to spread suicide awareness. I will make a post on my personal Facebook page and on this blog page on the 15th to help spread suicide awareness. I ask that anyone who knows me or my family, knew Kaleb or of his story please share that post to help spread awareness of teenage suicide. Make sure you privacy setting for that post is public.  Then if others choose to share your post others can see it.  Maybe one less set of parents will lose a child. One less child will lose a sibling. One less teenager will lose a best friend. One less teacher will lose a student. One less child will become a statistic.  By breaking the stigma regarding suicide it can be brought to peoples attention.  They can learn it's ok to ask for help.  It's not something to be hidden, or ashamed of.  The pain and grief is hard.  It hurts!

I saw a post on facebook a little while back of a college that placed backpacks on it's campus lawn to signify each student they had lost to suicide.  Making it visual helps people understand.  Those backpacks should be on the backs of a student, not laying on the ground.  It helps you understand the number of young adults this impacts.  I hope soon the number of backpacks being placed will begin to dwindle.  It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to to spread awareness.

Birthdays and Anniversaries

We're helping Tyler and Steph move this weekend.  They are moving further away to finish up their schooling and begin their married life together.  Who knows what their life holds after they finish their degrees but for now that means they will be a little further away than they have been the last 4 years.  Ryan has enrolled in college in Shreveport where he's living with Alyssa to finish his degree down there.  They are becoming accustomed to life on their own.  Austin still lives close but has been independent and on his own for a long time now.  Next week on the 14th, Kaleb would have turned 18.  The last of our boys would have been an adult.   As I'm typing this I'm listening to one of the songs on my playlist.  Amazing Grace by Michael Smith "My chains are gone.  I've been set free.  My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains.  Unending love, Amazing Grace"  "The Lord has promised good to me.  His word my hope secures.  He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures."  I know that with His Grace, we will make it through.  People are given to us throughout our lives temporarily.  You never know when the loan date will be up.

Starting Griefshare has been a positive experience for me.  I've been struggling with the thought of his birthday and the anniversary of his death along with my daddy's all coming up in the next 45 days or so.  Starting the class has helped me know there are many people who have gone through these processes.  They have walked these paths and came out the other side.  While never a quick or easy process, it is do-able.  I've learned about 2ndary losses.  Which makes sense and I'd sort of came across this on my own with my blog about losing my full time job.  We lost a son, a brother, a grandchild, a friend but he was more than that.  To me he was my partner in crime for our Braum's runs.  He was my full time job everyday.  He was my helper with chores at home.  He was someone to make me laugh at the stupidest jokes that wouldn't have even made it on a laffy taffy wrapper.  He could deliver the best punchlines.  So while we each realize when we lose someone that we lost that person as a relation or friend to us, we also lost everything else they were to us.  I'm not explaining this well, it's easier to use a spouse as an example.  If you lose your spouse you also lose your best friend, your confidant, your partner, the person that runs the other half of the household, possibly the person that paid the bills.  You have to take on additional functions that you might not have been responsible for.  It's sort of the same with a child.  Except I lost responsibilities. I lost the laughs we would have shared.  The milestones that were still to be met.  So we're not just grieving the loss of a son, we're grieving the loss of everything he was to us and the dreams we had for him.

So instead of dreading this birthday I'm going to celebrate it.  He's still my son. He was still born on 8/14/98.  My little 7 pound bundle of joy.  It was still one of the happiest days of my life.  Nothing has changed any of that.  The only thing that has changed is how we will celebrate.  Maybe I'll take him a Happy Birthday Balloon up there to put on his grave.  He'd have loved sucking the helium out of it and telling jokes in a high pitched squeaky voice.  Those will be the things I remember on his birthday.  His joy, his laughter, his practical jokes.  His never-ending stream of useless knowledge.  The love for our child will never change, what will change is us as parents as we learn to live without him at our side.

I've learned to be thankful everyday for not just the good things in my life, but even the obstacles that have been put in my path.  I can teach our other boys by example that you can make it through anything.  This process hasn't been easy and it hasn't always brought out the best in us.  I've said things out of hurt and anger, I've reacted in negative ways, but that's part of learning, figuring out what doesn't work and focusing on what does.  So Happy Birthday Month Kaleb!