So Saturday is my birthday. Last year it was hard because it was the "first" first after losing Kaleb. The first thing we celebrated without him. Which means this year it's the first thing that he was never a part of for the whole year. I was 43 years old all year and Kaleb missed all of it. I don't think I really thought much about how that would feel to me, but I can tell it has affected me. Usually I'm all about having a birthday. And honestly this year I don't think I really have had the excitement I usually do.
My birthday falls at the best time of year. It's usually fair time so I get grilled corn and deer season always opens right around my birthday. All the fall stuff is out. Time to buy new clothes for fall/winter. (the only time of year I will actually shop much) I love the time of year my birthday falls. I really thought things would get a little more back to normal not thinking about the firsts, but I guess my perspective is forever changed. I'm more thankful this year. I'm thankful to have had another full year of life. I'm thankful to have great friends and family. I'm thankful for our boys.
Age doesn't bother me because it's just a number. It's how you feel on the inside that matters. Maybe I'm slow to mature, maybe I'll never act my age, whatever it is, I know it's not that I'm getting older that is keeping me more solemn. It's the questions. Why did I get to have another year and he didn't? How do you make it a whole year without your child? What is God's plan for me that I'm still here? Is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make a difference?
This year I've become more of a thinker. I've caught myself being more forgiving of people, thinking you never know what they might be going through right now. I'm working to become more like Tim McGraw's song "Humble and Kind". I want people to enjoy being around me and to feel good about themselves. I still catch myself making negative comments, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was before. I'm trying to be more considerate of others. To be a better wife, better mother, better friend. Now at times if I think about an old friend, I'll stop and drop them a text, or a picture of a sunset or something else they may enjoy. I want people to know they are important in my life even if we don't see each other all the time. How many people only look at facebook but never comment, only share cute bunny rabbits or fake news stories? I've started taking time and commenting more. Not because I care more than I did before, when I would smile as I read something and scroll on past. I still care the same, but I know people can't read my mind and see that I enjoy seeing their posts of their kids, a look into their daily lives. So my goal for my 44th year, my 23rd year as a mother, my 13th year as a wife and stepmother, my 2nd year without Kaleb is to become more involved in people's lives around me. Contribute more instead of standing back and being the wallflower. Work on my social skills more. Work on being more of a giver.
So to anyone that has read this far. Happy Fall Y'all. Get outside, enjoy the foliage. Take a minute and watch a sunset or a sunrise. Find a purpose in life and make a difference. Instead of participating in the negative be part of the change. Find the positive in each day.
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