Happy Birthday Kaleb

Kaleb's birthday passed yesterday and for some reason this one was harder on me than last year.   It took me a while to figure out why but I think I've finally figured it out.  I've talked about it before, the closeness in age my boys had.  They were always talked about as a unit. "The boys"  When anyone in the family referred to my children they referred to them as "the boys".  I did the same thing.  When you  have 3 single pregnancies within 4 years you have kids stair stepped.  The way their birthdays fell they did fall with a year between each of them in school.  They should have graduated in 2012, 2014 and 2016.  So Tyler was kind of in the middle of his age group for his year.  Ryan was an older one for his school year and Kaleb was the baby of his school year barely making the cutoff to go to school that year.

This I believe is why I am having more problems this year.  As I have dreams that include "the boys"  or as I think about them.  Tyler and Ryan are aging.  They are 23 and 21 now.  When I picture them, I picture them at their current age.  Kaleb should be turning 19.  But when I picture him he's still 17.  There is a gap forming and everyday it gets a little wider.  Two of the boys are turning into men and Kaleb is left behind for always. In an earlier blog I'd talked about having problems saying "the boys" now in reference to only Tyler and Ryan.  If discussing all of our children, Austin, Tyler, Ryan and Kaleb it was "Our boys" and I can still say that but I still wince each time I say "the boys".

I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me.  I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17.  I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking.  Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully.  So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know.  I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year.  Maybe next year!

 I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year.  For me they are for 2 things.  One, a healing process for me.  I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision.  Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince  you they weren't serious.  Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there.  Reach out to someone.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture.  Don't say how can I  make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today.  Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.

I love Kaleb beyond description.  I am at Peace with his death.  That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed.  I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself.  There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny.  I've called him every name under the sun.  Does that mean my love for him is any less?  No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him.  That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him.  I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings.  Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day.  I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with.  So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day.  So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day.   Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have  to be anything huge.  Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.

Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!

My birthday week

So Saturday is my birthday.  Last year it was hard because it was the "first" first after losing Kaleb.  The first thing we celebrated without him.  Which means this year it's the first thing that he was never a part of for the whole year.  I was 43 years old all year and Kaleb missed all of it.  I don't think I really thought much about how that would feel to me, but I can tell it has affected me.  Usually I'm all about having a birthday.  And honestly this year I don't think I really have had the excitement I usually do.

My birthday falls at the best time of year.  It's usually fair time so I get grilled corn and deer season always opens right around my birthday.  All the fall stuff is out.  Time to buy new clothes for fall/winter.  (the only time of year I will actually shop much)   I love the time of year my birthday falls.  I really thought things would get a little more back to normal not thinking about the firsts, but I guess my perspective is forever changed.  I'm more thankful this year.  I'm thankful to have had another full year of life.  I'm thankful to have great friends and family.  I'm thankful for our boys.

Age doesn't bother me because it's just a number.  It's how you feel on the inside that matters.  Maybe I'm slow to mature, maybe I'll never act my age, whatever it is, I know it's not that I'm getting older that is keeping me more solemn.  It's the questions.  Why did I get to have another year and he didn't?  How do you make it a whole year without your child?  What is God's plan for me that I'm still here?  Is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make a difference?

This year I've become more of a thinker.  I've caught myself being more forgiving of people, thinking you never know what they might be going through right now.  I'm working to become more like Tim McGraw's song "Humble and Kind".   I want people to enjoy being around me and to feel good about themselves.  I still catch myself making negative comments, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was before. I'm trying to be more considerate of others.  To be a better wife, better mother, better friend.  Now at times if I think about an old friend, I'll stop and drop them a text, or a picture of a sunset or something else they may enjoy.  I want people to know they are important in my life even if we don't see each other all the time.   How many people only look at facebook but never comment, only share cute bunny rabbits or fake news stories?   I've started taking time and commenting more.  Not because I care more than I did before, when I would smile as I read something and scroll on past.   I still care the same, but I know people can't read my mind and see that I enjoy seeing their posts of their kids, a look into their daily lives.  So my goal for my 44th year, my 23rd year as a mother, my 13th year as a wife and stepmother, my 2nd year without Kaleb is to become more involved in people's lives around me.  Contribute more instead of standing back and being the wallflower.  Work on my social skills more.  Work on being more of a giver.

So to anyone that has read this far.  Happy Fall Y'all.  Get outside, enjoy the foliage.  Take a minute and watch a sunset or a sunrise.  Find a purpose in life and make a difference.  Instead of participating in the negative be part of the change.  Find the positive in each day.

A different perspective

Everyday I wake up and find something to be thankful for.  Whether it's having clothes to wear,  a job to go to, or just making a green light on the way to work. Finding the positive things in life help me get from day to day.  Some days are harder than others.  Occasionally I still have days where I just can't get out of a funk. I have problems being truly thankful. It's hard to not judge other people and ask "why us?" I hear people everyday that are complaining about things that to me, would be a Blessing.  I'd love to be able to tie my son's shoe, or fix his unruly hair, or hear him talk back to me. I know when those things were occurring I didn't have the same attitude towards them.  We might not have seen eye to eye. We had different visions for his future. But I loved him with all my heart. I'm sorry for taking him for granted. For always assuming there would be a next time.

People sometimes lose patience with me always wanting to take pictures. But when you know what it's like to only have pictures left of someone that should have outlived you, who should have had plenty more tomorrows but didn't, then it's hard to not want to digitally record great memories.  You never know when that's all  you'll have.  I know firsthand there are times where I've grasped around to try and find new pictures or video of Kaleb.  There are no new memories being made.  The only way to get a new memory is to see a picture or video, I've never seen before.  As time passes those become fewer and farther in between.  I know there are pictures out there.  Kids have cell phones and instagrams, twitters and facebooks.  It's hard to not become obsessed with wanting to track more down.  Just to see a new expression on his face, or a different background.

I go through phases where I have nightmares now.  I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on.  They aren't all about Kaleb.  They are about other bad things happening in my life.  I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy.  Our boys are grown and out of the home.  I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call.  I have a fear of missing calls now.  

I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy.  I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on.  Now, I don't want to look.  I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day.  I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down.  I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain.  I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet.  Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them.  I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day.  It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday.  And I know they  have to respond to calls of people they know.  There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally.  It wasn't some random stranger they were there for.  It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question.  Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes.  I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.

We've made it through the "firsts".  We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley.  Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley.  We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together.  So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help.  I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed.  I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people.  That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries.  From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait.  I'm so blessed people read it and shared it.  Letting people know there is help available is key.  Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide.  Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.

Thank you to everyone that shared it.  Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.

We love you Kaleb.