A different perspective

Everyday I wake up and find something to be thankful for.  Whether it's having clothes to wear,  a job to go to, or just making a green light on the way to work. Finding the positive things in life help me get from day to day.  Some days are harder than others.  Occasionally I still have days where I just can't get out of a funk. I have problems being truly thankful. It's hard to not judge other people and ask "why us?" I hear people everyday that are complaining about things that to me, would be a Blessing.  I'd love to be able to tie my son's shoe, or fix his unruly hair, or hear him talk back to me. I know when those things were occurring I didn't have the same attitude towards them.  We might not have seen eye to eye. We had different visions for his future. But I loved him with all my heart. I'm sorry for taking him for granted. For always assuming there would be a next time.

People sometimes lose patience with me always wanting to take pictures. But when you know what it's like to only have pictures left of someone that should have outlived you, who should have had plenty more tomorrows but didn't, then it's hard to not want to digitally record great memories.  You never know when that's all  you'll have.  I know firsthand there are times where I've grasped around to try and find new pictures or video of Kaleb.  There are no new memories being made.  The only way to get a new memory is to see a picture or video, I've never seen before.  As time passes those become fewer and farther in between.  I know there are pictures out there.  Kids have cell phones and instagrams, twitters and facebooks.  It's hard to not become obsessed with wanting to track more down.  Just to see a new expression on his face, or a different background.

I go through phases where I have nightmares now.  I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on.  They aren't all about Kaleb.  They are about other bad things happening in my life.  I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy.  Our boys are grown and out of the home.  I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call.  I have a fear of missing calls now.  

I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy.  I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on.  Now, I don't want to look.  I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day.  I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down.  I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain.  I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet.  Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them.  I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day.  It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday.  And I know they  have to respond to calls of people they know.  There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally.  It wasn't some random stranger they were there for.  It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question.  Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes.  I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.

We've made it through the "firsts".  We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley.  Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley.  We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together.  So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help.  I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed.  I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people.  That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries.  From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait.  I'm so blessed people read it and shared it.  Letting people know there is help available is key.  Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide.  Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.

Thank you to everyone that shared it.  Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.

We love you Kaleb.