Still working on that happiness. We went camping this weekend with friends. Took their boat out and did some catfishing. These are things that make me happy. Relaxing and being on the water. Times like that can help you feel like your life is normal. Which I guess it is normal now. Coming back to reality is still the hardest part. Walking into a house that's empty. Since we board the dogs the house is always quiet and still when we get home. Those first few minutes, even though we're busy unpacking, are still reminders of what isn't waiting for us at home. There are no dirty dishes in the sink. We come home, unpack and go on about our day. Just us.
I'm the happiest when I'm outside. That's why I hate winter because I can't handle cold weather and I can't stand being cooped up inside. So being out on the water fishing makes for a great day whether we catch fish or not although I'm usually not quite as whiny if I'm catching fish. We're hoping to eventually get the dogs where they can go out on the boat with us. We haven't attempted it yet and we'll probably have to try it one dog at a time. Goober will probably be ok, he should stay in the boat. Nash loves water so we'll have to watch him. I could see him just walking off the side of the boat to get in the water.
In the next few weeks we have several birthdays. Tyler is 22 on memorial day, Jimmie and Austin both have birthdays in June plus the wedding in June so it will make for a busy month. There are still times that even thinking about happy things can bring me to tears in an instant. Something made me think of grandkids and somehow just thinking about what the future might hold for us made me tear up. It's the little things. A song, a thought, a smell, any of these things can bring me to tears within seconds no matter how good my day may be going. Then it takes some deep breaths and calm thoughts to get back to an even balance. But it can zap your joy in seconds. I don't know how long these times will last, or maybe they will last forever but these moments are now the hard spots. We've found our new normal. We're following our new routine. It's the small bumps that you don't see coming that can send you spinning out of control in a heartbeat. The memories on facebook today from last year, was my post about where we expected to be this time this year. I took life for granted before. I expected it to follow my plan. I know it's not my plan that matters, it's His plan that will play out. Just when you think you have everything figured out you realize you knew nothing. We've spent 8 months rebuilding our lives one day at a time. We'll continue going one day at a time for a little while longer. At first it was second by second, then minute by minute, hour by hour. I think we're to day by day now. We're making progress. We may not make progress everyday, sometimes we lose a little ground, but as long as we don't allow ourselves to be consumed by grief we will continue moving in the right direction.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
A Trip To The Vet
We have 2 very spoiled Australian Shepherds, Goober and Nash. Goober has a genetic disorder, demodectic mange. He has to stay on meds to help keep it in check so all his hair doesn't fall out. But if his immune system starts having problems it can trigger an episode. That is a little background for why we were at the vet. We boarded Nash and Goober this weekend while we were camping. They were great when I picked them up but by Monday they were coughing and sneezing and you could tell they didn't feel real good. Nash seemed a lot worse than Goober but I know Goober can't get sick or it will escalate. So yesterday they really weren't any better and actually seemed a little worse. So I called the vet this morning to see if they needed seen. Made them both appointments for 11:15, not knowing it would be storming at that time.
Left work around 10:45 with a plan. I would come home, change clothes so even if I did get soaked getting 2 dogs in and out of the jeep it wouldn't be my work clothes. I've been putting them both in the back of the jeep but it's hard to get them out at the same time and there is a busy road by the vet. I didn't want to chance Nash getting loose. So new plan. Goober in the front seat because his ass isn't as fat as Nash's so he doesn't set off the seat belt dinger and he is the better behaved dog. Finally got Nash into the back of the jeep. He wasn't having it so that consisted of picking up the front half and trying to get him to keep his front paws up while I picked up his behind to get him all in the jeep since he can't jump his fat ass up into the jeep.
Drive to the vet with 2 sniffling sneezing dogs getting dog snot all over me. Pull up, put Goobers leash on him and he follows me out the drivers door. Easy peasy. I'd backed into the parking spot because there is a curb and I was planning ahead. At least with a curb that made it a shorter distance that I'd have to lift Nash when we left. Open up the back and grab Nash's leash. Nope, he's now
Decided he's not getting out of the jeep. Seriously dog! So grab him by the collar and drag him out of the jeep. Get the back closed and head up to the door avoiding all the puddles. Easiest part of the vet trip here. Both dogs walked through the door and sat down. Goober walked over to the scales in the lobby and sat right on them like he's done it a thousand time. 44 pounds. He's lost a few pounds since his last visit. Then got goober off the scales and sitting on the floor and had to convince Nash to step up onto the scale and sit. Once he gets on the scales he's fine, it's just that first step up. He finally sits down on the scale and it kept going back and forth between 68.8 and 69.0. Yep, so much for the diet. He's still gaining weight. We go straight back to the exam room.
Second easiest part Goober jumped right up on the bench and sat down like he knew what he was doing. Vet walks in and Goober got right up on the table. First time for everything. He sat still during the exam. But amazingly both dogs had now stopped coughing and sneezing. She said that happens a lot because they get anxious when they get there and their adrenaline kicks in and suppresses it. Goober laid down and rolled over on his back so she could listen to his lungs and even let his temperature be taken with no issues. He was running a temp but ears, mouth and everything else looked good. He hops down and now the fun begins.
While Goober is sitting quietly in the corner I get Nash's big butt up onto the bench and drag him onto the table. You have me and the tech holding him. He let the vet look at him and he laid down like he was going to let the exam continue. As she gets ready to take his temp the tech is holding his head and front legs and I'm laying over this middle because we knew this wasn't going to go well. As soon as the vet touched his behind with her hand Nash lifted us both up and he jumped off the table towards me. So I caught the 69 pound dog that was hurling at me. We decided we were going to assume he had a fever also since all other symptoms were the same. She decides even though they were vaccinated she thinks they have kennel cough. And because of Goober's history she put them both on antibiotics. Nash has to take one pill a day. No problem. He'll eat anything you hold in your hand. Goober has to take 1 1/2 of a smaller dose since he weighs less. Goober does NOT do pills. He can find anything you hide in food. He's even learned to hold it in his mouth and not spit it out until you've left the room. So I know this will be a challenge.
Leaving the vet went a lot like getting them in the jeep at home. At least it had stopped raining. Goober jumps right in the front seat like a good boy. Take Nash back around to the back of the jeep and attempt to coax him up into the jeep. Nope! So 2nd time lifting him into the jeep to get him home. We've got to work on that. At the rate he's growing I won't be able to lift him for long.
Bring home the leftovers from my lunch which consists of some steak. I'm smart, the pill is going in the steak. Decide to do the easy one first. Put Nash's big pill in a big piece of meat and hand it to him. Gulp, it's gone. Ok, Goober is jealous, he wanted some of that. I got overly confident. Hide Goobers pill in a piece of meat and hand it to him like no big deal. That was a mistake. He chewed once and spit it out. I wasn't expecting that. It's steak. What dog spits out steak? Nash was all over that. He dove in and snatched that piece of meat and took of running. I make a flying leap after him coming away with a handful of hair, 2nd try and I have him. Open the mouth, stick my hand all the way on. No chance at all of that piece of meat still being there. He somehow ran, dodged and swallowed all at the same time. Oops, at least it was the smaller dose and not a 2nd one of his pills. Do overs. By now I'd scared the crap out of Nash and he was hiding in his crate. So I lock him in to figure out how to get Goober's meds down him. Cut the pills smaller and place them in larger pieces of meat and success! Open Nash's crate and he refused to come out. Guess I traumatized him when I flew across the room at him.
So I'd say it's been a successful day even if Nash is slightly over medicated. Hopefully the puppies will be on the mend by tomorrow. Everyone else has these same normal trips to the vet. Right?
Left work around 10:45 with a plan. I would come home, change clothes so even if I did get soaked getting 2 dogs in and out of the jeep it wouldn't be my work clothes. I've been putting them both in the back of the jeep but it's hard to get them out at the same time and there is a busy road by the vet. I didn't want to chance Nash getting loose. So new plan. Goober in the front seat because his ass isn't as fat as Nash's so he doesn't set off the seat belt dinger and he is the better behaved dog. Finally got Nash into the back of the jeep. He wasn't having it so that consisted of picking up the front half and trying to get him to keep his front paws up while I picked up his behind to get him all in the jeep since he can't jump his fat ass up into the jeep.
Drive to the vet with 2 sniffling sneezing dogs getting dog snot all over me. Pull up, put Goobers leash on him and he follows me out the drivers door. Easy peasy. I'd backed into the parking spot because there is a curb and I was planning ahead. At least with a curb that made it a shorter distance that I'd have to lift Nash when we left. Open up the back and grab Nash's leash. Nope, he's now
Decided he's not getting out of the jeep. Seriously dog! So grab him by the collar and drag him out of the jeep. Get the back closed and head up to the door avoiding all the puddles. Easiest part of the vet trip here. Both dogs walked through the door and sat down. Goober walked over to the scales in the lobby and sat right on them like he's done it a thousand time. 44 pounds. He's lost a few pounds since his last visit. Then got goober off the scales and sitting on the floor and had to convince Nash to step up onto the scale and sit. Once he gets on the scales he's fine, it's just that first step up. He finally sits down on the scale and it kept going back and forth between 68.8 and 69.0. Yep, so much for the diet. He's still gaining weight. We go straight back to the exam room.
Second easiest part Goober jumped right up on the bench and sat down like he knew what he was doing. Vet walks in and Goober got right up on the table. First time for everything. He sat still during the exam. But amazingly both dogs had now stopped coughing and sneezing. She said that happens a lot because they get anxious when they get there and their adrenaline kicks in and suppresses it. Goober laid down and rolled over on his back so she could listen to his lungs and even let his temperature be taken with no issues. He was running a temp but ears, mouth and everything else looked good. He hops down and now the fun begins.
While Goober is sitting quietly in the corner I get Nash's big butt up onto the bench and drag him onto the table. You have me and the tech holding him. He let the vet look at him and he laid down like he was going to let the exam continue. As she gets ready to take his temp the tech is holding his head and front legs and I'm laying over this middle because we knew this wasn't going to go well. As soon as the vet touched his behind with her hand Nash lifted us both up and he jumped off the table towards me. So I caught the 69 pound dog that was hurling at me. We decided we were going to assume he had a fever also since all other symptoms were the same. She decides even though they were vaccinated she thinks they have kennel cough. And because of Goober's history she put them both on antibiotics. Nash has to take one pill a day. No problem. He'll eat anything you hold in your hand. Goober has to take 1 1/2 of a smaller dose since he weighs less. Goober does NOT do pills. He can find anything you hide in food. He's even learned to hold it in his mouth and not spit it out until you've left the room. So I know this will be a challenge.
Leaving the vet went a lot like getting them in the jeep at home. At least it had stopped raining. Goober jumps right in the front seat like a good boy. Take Nash back around to the back of the jeep and attempt to coax him up into the jeep. Nope! So 2nd time lifting him into the jeep to get him home. We've got to work on that. At the rate he's growing I won't be able to lift him for long.
Bring home the leftovers from my lunch which consists of some steak. I'm smart, the pill is going in the steak. Decide to do the easy one first. Put Nash's big pill in a big piece of meat and hand it to him. Gulp, it's gone. Ok, Goober is jealous, he wanted some of that. I got overly confident. Hide Goobers pill in a piece of meat and hand it to him like no big deal. That was a mistake. He chewed once and spit it out. I wasn't expecting that. It's steak. What dog spits out steak? Nash was all over that. He dove in and snatched that piece of meat and took of running. I make a flying leap after him coming away with a handful of hair, 2nd try and I have him. Open the mouth, stick my hand all the way on. No chance at all of that piece of meat still being there. He somehow ran, dodged and swallowed all at the same time. Oops, at least it was the smaller dose and not a 2nd one of his pills. Do overs. By now I'd scared the crap out of Nash and he was hiding in his crate. So I lock him in to figure out how to get Goober's meds down him. Cut the pills smaller and place them in larger pieces of meat and success! Open Nash's crate and he refused to come out. Guess I traumatized him when I flew across the room at him.
So I'd say it's been a successful day even if Nash is slightly over medicated. Hopefully the puppies will be on the mend by tomorrow. Everyone else has these same normal trips to the vet. Right?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
36 Tuesdays
it's been 36 Tuesday's since we saw you. That's about how many Tuesday's we waited to meet you after we found out we were expecting. That's 8 1/2 months without hearing your voice. We're doing better now. Sometimes we make it through the day without crying. Sometimes we don't. Life is different now. Laughter doesn't come as easy. Life isn't as carefree. Each minute seems so much longer, each hour is like a day. We've passed so many firsts and yet still have more to come. You're still on so many people's minds as they try to make sense of life. We talk about you often. I dreamed about you last night. You were playing in the front yard with Ryan as you were learning to do handstand push ups. Then we all went swimming and it seemed so real. The only thing that clued me in was the for sale sign in the yard. And the house we went to wasn't ours.
So much has changed in 8 short months yet so much is still the same. Our love for you has not faded even though your voice has. We never knew how strong we were until we had to go on without you. I can't understand the pain you were in that would cause you to leave but I know the pain I'm in now that you are gone. We all miss and love you and What I wouldn't do for one of your nasty sweaty hugs. Maybe these are things we should have said aloud more often. Maybe you didn't understand how much you meant to us. Now all I can do is write them to you in words that you can't hear. What I wouldn't give to say them to your face but my job here isn't done. I've got people here who need me. You've drawn us all closer and given us a special bond. It's not a bond we ever imagined we'd share but it's one we'll share together. It takes all of us together to make it through without you. Each of us together helps us make it through the day. We love you Kaleb. Happy 36 week "Angel"Versary. Hope you've learned to work those wings and learned the words to all the songs the Angel choir sings.
So much has changed in 8 short months yet so much is still the same. Our love for you has not faded even though your voice has. We never knew how strong we were until we had to go on without you. I can't understand the pain you were in that would cause you to leave but I know the pain I'm in now that you are gone. We all miss and love you and What I wouldn't do for one of your nasty sweaty hugs. Maybe these are things we should have said aloud more often. Maybe you didn't understand how much you meant to us. Now all I can do is write them to you in words that you can't hear. What I wouldn't give to say them to your face but my job here isn't done. I've got people here who need me. You've drawn us all closer and given us a special bond. It's not a bond we ever imagined we'd share but it's one we'll share together. It takes all of us together to make it through without you. Each of us together helps us make it through the day. We love you Kaleb. Happy 36 week "Angel"Versary. Hope you've learned to work those wings and learned the words to all the songs the Angel choir sings.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Graduation Day
Today is a day I've looked forward to for 13 years. Unless you've had a kid who has struggled to conform into a "normal" student in school. Unless you spent countless hours in a principal or vice principals office and talking to teachers about how to help your child. Making a plan to best help your child make it through school, then you can't understand how much this day was looked forward to. We talked about it often. We just had to get to graduation. 3 more years and you graduate, 2 more years and you'll be done with school. In May of last year we drove through the parking lot at the high school and Kaleb said, this time next year, it will be me getting ready to graduate. And now he's gone, he never made it to that moment.
I'm trying so hard today to be positive about all his friends that are graduating and getting those diplomas. I am proud of them and excited to see what their future holds, but in the same breath I'm heartbroken and I feel defeated that we didn't make it to this day together. Graduation is their day to shine. They officially enter the real world. We as parents also get a feeling of accomplishment. Our children made it. We did something right, they've got a diploma. They have a solid foundation to build their future on. I've been asked by several people if I'm going to graduation. No, I'm not. I don't think I could make it through it. I debated watching the streamed ceremony, but I don't think I can even do that. I'm going to be proud of each member of this graduating class, but I've got to be fair to myself and hearing each name called would hurt a little more. I'm learning sometimes you have to avoid things that cause you pain.
So to all my friends that have children graduating, I'm happy for you and so excited to see what the future holds for them. To all of Kaleb's friends that are graduating, you've made it through a rough year and I'm proud of you. To the rest of the senior class, go out and make a difference. You all have received a great education from Van Buren to get you started in your adult life. Find your calling, find a career that makes you happy and that you enjoy doing every day. But most of all always know that you have people behind you doing their best to help you succeed. They love you and they've sacrificed a lot to get you to this moment. As you hear your name called and you walk across that stage/floor I hope you understand the importance of the piece of paper you are receiving. That is your ticket to be able to accomplish anything you want in this world. You're not a kid anymore. Welcome to the real world.
To Kaleb, I love you and miss you with all my heart. We'll visit you today and I'll straighten your graduation cap that is sitting atop your wreath at the foot of your grave instead of fixing it atop your head for tonight. I'll bring you some flowers to decorate your headstone instead of as a gift for making it through. Your graduation picture won't include your face but just your headstone. So many things changed that day 8 months ago. Your life ended and ours was forever changed. We made it to this day, just not together.
I'm trying so hard today to be positive about all his friends that are graduating and getting those diplomas. I am proud of them and excited to see what their future holds, but in the same breath I'm heartbroken and I feel defeated that we didn't make it to this day together. Graduation is their day to shine. They officially enter the real world. We as parents also get a feeling of accomplishment. Our children made it. We did something right, they've got a diploma. They have a solid foundation to build their future on. I've been asked by several people if I'm going to graduation. No, I'm not. I don't think I could make it through it. I debated watching the streamed ceremony, but I don't think I can even do that. I'm going to be proud of each member of this graduating class, but I've got to be fair to myself and hearing each name called would hurt a little more. I'm learning sometimes you have to avoid things that cause you pain.
So to all my friends that have children graduating, I'm happy for you and so excited to see what the future holds for them. To all of Kaleb's friends that are graduating, you've made it through a rough year and I'm proud of you. To the rest of the senior class, go out and make a difference. You all have received a great education from Van Buren to get you started in your adult life. Find your calling, find a career that makes you happy and that you enjoy doing every day. But most of all always know that you have people behind you doing their best to help you succeed. They love you and they've sacrificed a lot to get you to this moment. As you hear your name called and you walk across that stage/floor I hope you understand the importance of the piece of paper you are receiving. That is your ticket to be able to accomplish anything you want in this world. You're not a kid anymore. Welcome to the real world.
To Kaleb, I love you and miss you with all my heart. We'll visit you today and I'll straighten your graduation cap that is sitting atop your wreath at the foot of your grave instead of fixing it atop your head for tonight. I'll bring you some flowers to decorate your headstone instead of as a gift for making it through. Your graduation picture won't include your face but just your headstone. So many things changed that day 8 months ago. Your life ended and ours was forever changed. We made it to this day, just not together.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Funny stuff
My life use to be hysterical. You never knew what was going to happen at our house. Or what was going to come out of mine or one of the kids mouths much to Jimmie's dismay. We spent a lot of time laughing and shaking our heads in disbelief thinking "only me" this could only happen to me. These are the things I miss most about being empty nesters now. Before I probably laughed, like really laughed at least once a day. Now I laugh at some things but there have only been a few hard belly shaking laughs since we lost Kaleb. I could make light of just about any situation. Now I'm not sure if I don't have the energy to find things funny, if my sense of humor has changed or if this is just part of the new normal.
If this is new normal, I'll be working to change it. I want happy me back. But then you get into guilt thinking about happy me. How can I truly be happy again? It's not fair to Kaleb. I can't be happy after losing one of our kids. I know this is skewed logic and isn't what Kaleb would have wanted but it's still in my head. Whenever I start to experience joy or happiness something reels me back in. People have always said I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my facial expressions tell you everything you need to know. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a happy face. Eyes squinty from grinning so big. Happiness through and through. I'm ready for that face to return.
Being around people my age or older I've never felt like I belonged. I still had a young spirit and mind. Physically I might be their age but I'd never admit it. I'm still young. I'd rather hang out at the kids table at holidays and play sports outside than I would do the grownup stuff. Today for one of the first times ever I looked in the mirror and I felt my age. I felt all 43 years weighing down on me. I decided right then that it's time to change. I'm not going to feel guilty if I laugh or enjoy life. I'm going to learn to live again and be young. I'm going to be that person that people say "She's not really 43 is she?"
I think my social anxiety has gotten worse since losing Kaleb. Don't get me wrong I've never liked crowds or talking to strangers but now I feel judged by everyone. I feel like the person people feel sorry for or if someone asks "Who is that?" The answer is "remember my friend who's son killed himself? That's her." And while these things are true to some extent, I know a lot of it is made up in my head. I want to go back to being Karen. Or Tyler's mom, Ryan's mom, Kaleb's mom. Yes Kaleb is dead but I'm still his mom.
My goal after today is to continue putting myself out there. Letting people see you can make it through anything if you believe in yourself. I'm going to show people, it's ok to be happy again. I want people going through a tough time to be able to say "she did it, so can I." I'm not saying I won't be sad, or I won't cry because I will. But I'm going to enjoy the flip side of that coin also. I'm going to be happy. This isn't a place I ever could have got to alone. It has taken people dragging me along at times. Pushing me forward and even being brutally honest with me and telling me when I'm losing it and need to make a change. That's not always something you want to hear but that's when you know you are surrounded by people who truly love you. And how could someone surrounded by that much love not be happy? If there is one thing I learned from the movie We Bought A Zoo it's that sometime all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and something good will come of it. What will come of it for me is happiness and holding my head up high again. Feeling young and not letting this weight break me down. So here's to living life twenty seconds at a time.
If this is new normal, I'll be working to change it. I want happy me back. But then you get into guilt thinking about happy me. How can I truly be happy again? It's not fair to Kaleb. I can't be happy after losing one of our kids. I know this is skewed logic and isn't what Kaleb would have wanted but it's still in my head. Whenever I start to experience joy or happiness something reels me back in. People have always said I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my facial expressions tell you everything you need to know. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a happy face. Eyes squinty from grinning so big. Happiness through and through. I'm ready for that face to return.
Being around people my age or older I've never felt like I belonged. I still had a young spirit and mind. Physically I might be their age but I'd never admit it. I'm still young. I'd rather hang out at the kids table at holidays and play sports outside than I would do the grownup stuff. Today for one of the first times ever I looked in the mirror and I felt my age. I felt all 43 years weighing down on me. I decided right then that it's time to change. I'm not going to feel guilty if I laugh or enjoy life. I'm going to learn to live again and be young. I'm going to be that person that people say "She's not really 43 is she?"
I think my social anxiety has gotten worse since losing Kaleb. Don't get me wrong I've never liked crowds or talking to strangers but now I feel judged by everyone. I feel like the person people feel sorry for or if someone asks "Who is that?" The answer is "remember my friend who's son killed himself? That's her." And while these things are true to some extent, I know a lot of it is made up in my head. I want to go back to being Karen. Or Tyler's mom, Ryan's mom, Kaleb's mom. Yes Kaleb is dead but I'm still his mom.
My goal after today is to continue putting myself out there. Letting people see you can make it through anything if you believe in yourself. I'm going to show people, it's ok to be happy again. I want people going through a tough time to be able to say "she did it, so can I." I'm not saying I won't be sad, or I won't cry because I will. But I'm going to enjoy the flip side of that coin also. I'm going to be happy. This isn't a place I ever could have got to alone. It has taken people dragging me along at times. Pushing me forward and even being brutally honest with me and telling me when I'm losing it and need to make a change. That's not always something you want to hear but that's when you know you are surrounded by people who truly love you. And how could someone surrounded by that much love not be happy? If there is one thing I learned from the movie We Bought A Zoo it's that sometime all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and something good will come of it. What will come of it for me is happiness and holding my head up high again. Feeling young and not letting this weight break me down. So here's to living life twenty seconds at a time.
Where does it go?
Actually wrote this yesterday and forgot to post. This blog has nothing to do with Kaleb, or suicide or anything important really, I just can't figure out where weight "goes". I've been working on my health and go to Fit Body BootCamp usually 5 days a week now that my knee is fixed. I'm also watching what I eat to help be in better shape. It's not necessarily about losing weight although that would be a nice side effect, it about getting stronger and healthier. I'm not scientific in any way, wasn't my favorite class so I don't really understand how your whole body works. I've seen pictures of 5 pounds of fat versus 5 pounds of muscle. But my question is where does it go? Where does it come from?
I'm very logical and once I start thinking about something it bothers me until I figure out how it works. This morning I weighed before class and I weighed after class. Not really sure what made me weigh again other than I had gained a pound from yesterday to today so I guess I was hoping it had miraculously disappeared. It did, I was a pound lighter. Yes, I sweated, but I also drank water which should have replenished what I lost. 1 pound of sweat would be a whole lot of sweating. I know I burned calories, but where do the calories go when you burn them? I'm replacing fat with muscle, but where does the fat go when it's being replaced. I can't wrap my mind around how your body can make these disappear(fat & weight) and make other things appear (muscle). I do know flabby skin doesn't disappear no matter how much you want it to. Maybe one day I'll get that elective surgery and have it removed since I don't think my body is that magic. I get how you eat fewer calories and you lose weight because your body has to use calories to work all day. So that part of it I get. But when I go exercise where does the weight go? Scales didn't move, clothing wasn't different, no I hadn't gone to the restroom in between weigh ins, it was literally right before I went to class and right after I got back home. I was actually soaking in sweat when I weighed the 2nd time so I'd have thought I'd weigh a little more.
Where does all those big globs of fat go when you start adding pretty red lean muscle? Do they stay hiding in your body somewhere? Because I know as soon as you stop exercising they start coming back so they have to be there somewhere. Which brings up another question. Are the bright colors used in "examples" actually what color it is in my body? Or just some pictures used for dramatic effect? Maybe I should have listened in science a little more but who knew one day I'd be stuck on the question of where does your fat go. As a teenager I didn't think it'd ever be something I'd have to worry about. I was fit and lean. I was invincible and thought I'd never be old or look like that so why did I need to know how your body worked. Mine at that time worked just fine! Oh to be 105 pounds again and think I was heavy.
I'm very logical and once I start thinking about something it bothers me until I figure out how it works. This morning I weighed before class and I weighed after class. Not really sure what made me weigh again other than I had gained a pound from yesterday to today so I guess I was hoping it had miraculously disappeared. It did, I was a pound lighter. Yes, I sweated, but I also drank water which should have replenished what I lost. 1 pound of sweat would be a whole lot of sweating. I know I burned calories, but where do the calories go when you burn them? I'm replacing fat with muscle, but where does the fat go when it's being replaced. I can't wrap my mind around how your body can make these disappear(fat & weight) and make other things appear (muscle). I do know flabby skin doesn't disappear no matter how much you want it to. Maybe one day I'll get that elective surgery and have it removed since I don't think my body is that magic. I get how you eat fewer calories and you lose weight because your body has to use calories to work all day. So that part of it I get. But when I go exercise where does the weight go? Scales didn't move, clothing wasn't different, no I hadn't gone to the restroom in between weigh ins, it was literally right before I went to class and right after I got back home. I was actually soaking in sweat when I weighed the 2nd time so I'd have thought I'd weigh a little more.
Where does all those big globs of fat go when you start adding pretty red lean muscle? Do they stay hiding in your body somewhere? Because I know as soon as you stop exercising they start coming back so they have to be there somewhere. Which brings up another question. Are the bright colors used in "examples" actually what color it is in my body? Or just some pictures used for dramatic effect? Maybe I should have listened in science a little more but who knew one day I'd be stuck on the question of where does your fat go. As a teenager I didn't think it'd ever be something I'd have to worry about. I was fit and lean. I was invincible and thought I'd never be old or look like that so why did I need to know how your body worked. Mine at that time worked just fine! Oh to be 105 pounds again and think I was heavy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Our New Normal
A new house, a new routine and a new perspective. I've written before about trying to find our new normal. There are a lot of things that we are getting used to. I remember where to turn to go home now, that's a big step for me. I've very routine driven. I am loving living on the complete opposite side of town. There is NO TRAFFIC. I always complained about the traffic on 59 but I never realized how much I truly hated it until we moved away from it. We probably live about the same distance away from work, but it's a 5 minute drive instead of a 15 - 20 minute drive. And 3 minutes if I hit all green lights. I'm getting used to having free time on my hands and not juggling multiple schedules. Trying to build new routines has been hard because I don't always have a lot of motivation. Sometimes just making it through the day exhausts me so when I get home I sit on my butt and don't move. I have to be conscious of that and make sure to have a plan for what to do when I get home, whether it's walking the dogs, exercising, cooking dinner, anything to keep me from doing nothing.
Doing nothing is bad. Doing nothing means I start slipping backwards. Going down the dark hole. I start digging through old files on my phone, old pictures and old facebook posts. It gets me to dwelling in the past instead of continuing to make progress in moving foward. I get quiet and according to those around me when I'm quiet that's not a good sign. Even though people have always told me they wished I was quieter apparently that's not what they meant. So I've started planning my evenings now. Meal planning helps, I then have to go home and make dinner instead of eating a bowl of cereal. It's also a little healthier. Thank goodness for Pinterest and a never-ending supply of new recipes to try.
Something that surprises me now is that it's harder for me to talk about our other kids. I've always been a descriptive person and while I have no problem saying Kaleb is deceased, or died, I can't talk about my other kids. I still have problems referring to them as my oldest, or the middle one. And I still can't say "the boys" I guess their new name is "the other boys". When speaking of all our kids it's "our boys" so it includes Austin and my 3. It doesn't bother me as much to say that one for some reason. It hits me every time I start to say something about them and try to call one of them my oldest, or my middle one even though that is what they still are, I stutter over it because its like a knife through my heart. Why I can talk about Kaleb and not have an issue I have no idea, when I will tear up while talking about my living children. In my mind when I say "the boys" there is a mental picture stamped in there of the 3 boys. Whether it's the picture of them on the day of my grandfathers funeral, or the coffin picture we always took at Silver Dollar City. The 3 of them is the definition of "the boys".
As Tyler is preparing for his marriage and Ryan is going out on his own I'm doing ok with those things. I'm loving the idea of having a daughter-in-law. Steph is so sweet and caring. Seeing her and Tyler start their life together is very exciting for me. They are making their own family. It's a new branch on our family tree. Ryan is following his heart and doing what he feels is right for him and I'm good with that. Him being further away just gives me an excuse for road trips.
The way I look at things is so much different than before. I've always been pretty laid back unless you really tick me off and then everyone knows you better run once I lose my temper. I'm a realist and analytical. I think through problems differently than most people. I used to stress a lot about things I couldn't change, things that really didn't matter. Now I'm here for the experience of life. I'm going to love every minute of it. I still get down sometimes. Last week was hard and I shed plenty of tears with Mother's Day coming and going but still I love my life. I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and that I know will do anything for us because they have literally put their lives on hold to help us. Life is what you make it. You have to surround yourselves with positive things. You have to decide that the past is truly the past and you are still here for a reason. I'm gonna make the most of the time I have. I'll always miss Kaleb with all of my heart. There will always be a piece of me missing. But there is a whole lot more of me that is still here. I could choose to try and find blame, and be negative and turn sour because I wasn't dealt a winning hand every time, or I can keep laying my chips on the table and enjoy the game called life. Now I have the Kenny Rogers song running through my head. Gotta know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. I'm not running away I'm running full speed head on into the future. And you're welcome for now getting that song stuck in your head also!
Doing nothing is bad. Doing nothing means I start slipping backwards. Going down the dark hole. I start digging through old files on my phone, old pictures and old facebook posts. It gets me to dwelling in the past instead of continuing to make progress in moving foward. I get quiet and according to those around me when I'm quiet that's not a good sign. Even though people have always told me they wished I was quieter apparently that's not what they meant. So I've started planning my evenings now. Meal planning helps, I then have to go home and make dinner instead of eating a bowl of cereal. It's also a little healthier. Thank goodness for Pinterest and a never-ending supply of new recipes to try.
Something that surprises me now is that it's harder for me to talk about our other kids. I've always been a descriptive person and while I have no problem saying Kaleb is deceased, or died, I can't talk about my other kids. I still have problems referring to them as my oldest, or the middle one. And I still can't say "the boys" I guess their new name is "the other boys". When speaking of all our kids it's "our boys" so it includes Austin and my 3. It doesn't bother me as much to say that one for some reason. It hits me every time I start to say something about them and try to call one of them my oldest, or my middle one even though that is what they still are, I stutter over it because its like a knife through my heart. Why I can talk about Kaleb and not have an issue I have no idea, when I will tear up while talking about my living children. In my mind when I say "the boys" there is a mental picture stamped in there of the 3 boys. Whether it's the picture of them on the day of my grandfathers funeral, or the coffin picture we always took at Silver Dollar City. The 3 of them is the definition of "the boys".
As Tyler is preparing for his marriage and Ryan is going out on his own I'm doing ok with those things. I'm loving the idea of having a daughter-in-law. Steph is so sweet and caring. Seeing her and Tyler start their life together is very exciting for me. They are making their own family. It's a new branch on our family tree. Ryan is following his heart and doing what he feels is right for him and I'm good with that. Him being further away just gives me an excuse for road trips.
The way I look at things is so much different than before. I've always been pretty laid back unless you really tick me off and then everyone knows you better run once I lose my temper. I'm a realist and analytical. I think through problems differently than most people. I used to stress a lot about things I couldn't change, things that really didn't matter. Now I'm here for the experience of life. I'm going to love every minute of it. I still get down sometimes. Last week was hard and I shed plenty of tears with Mother's Day coming and going but still I love my life. I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and that I know will do anything for us because they have literally put their lives on hold to help us. Life is what you make it. You have to surround yourselves with positive things. You have to decide that the past is truly the past and you are still here for a reason. I'm gonna make the most of the time I have. I'll always miss Kaleb with all of my heart. There will always be a piece of me missing. But there is a whole lot more of me that is still here. I could choose to try and find blame, and be negative and turn sour because I wasn't dealt a winning hand every time, or I can keep laying my chips on the table and enjoy the game called life. Now I have the Kenny Rogers song running through my head. Gotta know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. I'm not running away I'm running full speed head on into the future. And you're welcome for now getting that song stuck in your head also!
Friday, May 6, 2016
Suicide Statistics
Did you know:
- Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2013 CDC WISQARS)
- Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18. (2013 CDC WISQARS)
- More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.
- Each day in our nation there are an average of over 5,400 attempts by young people grades 7-12.
- Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs
- The Youth Risk Behavioral Surveillance System (YRBS) is a survey, conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, that includes national, state, and local school-based representative samples of 9th through 12th grade students. The purpose is to monitor priority health risk behaviors that contribute to the leading causes of death, disability, and social problems among youth in the United States.
I never knew any of this. Why do all these other cases make the news and become viral? There are millions of dollars spent researching cures and vaccines. Where is the help for people that are suffering mentally and not physically. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the money funding the research behind these other programs I just believe more attention needs to be brought to the statistics regarding suicide. Not just teenage suicide, even though that's what impacted our family. There should be benefits available through your insurance that don't make it nearly impossible for middle income people to seek treatment for mental illnesses. Why is this something that is covered at 50% by the majority of commercial insurance plans? Or the number of visits you are allowed is limited. Does the mental illness go away after you've had your 12 visits? No, you might just be beginning to make progress.
I know the answer to some of this. Because people aren't open about it. They are afraid to talk about it because people might think differently about them. The only time I've not been completely honest about how Kaleb died was when I was having a conversation with a child that was a stranger that was eating at the same Hibachi grill as us. It was her birthday and she had asked about our kids, and if the youngest lived with us. That didn't seem like the time or place to discuss suicide on a 12 year old girls birthday. But maybe in hindsight it was the time to talk about it. By avoiding that, it took away the opportunity to educate 3 people about the dangers of teenage suicide.
I've read up on the media's protocol on reporting suicides. Because you rarely hear about them on the news and the reasoning behind that is they don't want to trigger additional suicides by sensationalizing the story. They have careful verbage they use when reporting the story. And they only report that it was a suicide if they absolutely have to in order to complete the story. What if everyone quit reporting about gang violence? If it was never spoke about on the news. Would people begin to have a false sense of security? Because we all know if it's not on the news or social media it didn't happen. People don't hear about suicides so they don't think it's a big issue. Families cover up the cause of death out of embarrassment or shame. I only have a small number of friends on social media. And I know some people aren't able to read my blogs as it hurts to much, or it's to emotional for them. I'm fine with that. But if you do it only takes 1 person to make a change. I regularly share my blogs, and statistics and links to suicide prevention programs. I ask that you share some of these links. Even if you don't know anyone personally (or don't think you do) there might be someone out there who needs help and doesn't know how to get it. Just knowing that it came across their feed at a time of need might be the sign they need to reach out for help. I didn't know someone I loved was struggling with suicidal thoughts until it was to late and I lived with him.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Mother's Day
Decoration day at our cemetery falls on Mother's Day. It makes sense because so many people would want to decorate the graves of their mothers and grandmothers to celebrate that day. But it hurts when you're the parent decorating your child's grave. I know my posts make it seem like I'm falling apart and not able to cope with life but it's really not like that. I go to work everyday. We go fishing and play softball. We take trips and enjoy our days. Just always in the back of my mind is a sadness that will never go away. We still are experiencing our "firsts" as we go through this year. It's learning how we can each handle these things.
I've seen people completely consumed by their grief for long periods of time. I do think for the first few days afterwards I was that way, I'm still not sure how I functioned. There are times in there I don't remember and then there are times that are forever burned into my mind. I remember the funeral director sitting at the table and saying "Ok, let's start with the easy stuff first". I remember sitting at that table saying "I can't do this". We were talking about Kaleb's funeral at work the other day and I honestly wish we would have videoed it. Not so I could obsess over it everyday, but just to be able to watch it with a clearer mind. There is so much of his funeral I don't remember. It wasn't due to medication, I think it was just because it took everything I had in me just to make it from one moment to the next and keep breathing without falling apart. The same is true for the visitation. There is a lot of it I don't remember. I remember people being there that I hadn't seen in forever and there being so many people I couldn't spend much time with any one person.
Writing about my feelings helps me to sort through them. But I worry sometimes what's good for me might be hurting others who are trying to heal from this also. One thing I've learned is everyone handles it differently. Some choose to never speak of it, some talk about him a lot. I do know my goal is to not be another statistic, or if I am to be a positive one. There are so many statistics out there about the number of marriages that end in divorce after the loss of a child. I've read that as many as 80% of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. We are working hard to make our marriage a priority. We became empty nesters, we have each other to lean on. We have to find what works for both of us as we work through our grief. Ryan told me the other day "Now is the time you're suppose to be like, my kids are out and I can live life again" And that is true. We were looking forward to that day. I had my kids early on purpose so they'd be grown and I'd still be young. It's just how we got here that brings a little guilt on the having fun part. But we will give everything we have in us to ensure we work together to continue to build a stronger marriage and bond between us because there is no way I could have made it this far without Jimmie's support and love.
Back to Mother's Day. This will be my first Mother's Day without Kaleb obviously. We still have other children to celebrate and we still have our Mothers to celebrate. We'll be placing Kaleb's new wreath/graduation decoration this weekend. I'll post pictures I'm sure. Jimmie was able to take a wreath one of our neighbors had made for us right after Kaleb died and place it on a stake and add the graduation cap to it. He did a great job putting this together and I can't wait to take it up there to add to his gravesite. For all the women out there who have children either biologically, through adoption or through marriage Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy your day this weekend with your children. Whether it's breakfast in bed, flowers sent from children who live far away, gifts made or brought to you from the ones who live close, a video call, skype, or phone call from the ones who can't be here cherish these moments. Take a day off from worrying and enjoy family time.
I've seen people completely consumed by their grief for long periods of time. I do think for the first few days afterwards I was that way, I'm still not sure how I functioned. There are times in there I don't remember and then there are times that are forever burned into my mind. I remember the funeral director sitting at the table and saying "Ok, let's start with the easy stuff first". I remember sitting at that table saying "I can't do this". We were talking about Kaleb's funeral at work the other day and I honestly wish we would have videoed it. Not so I could obsess over it everyday, but just to be able to watch it with a clearer mind. There is so much of his funeral I don't remember. It wasn't due to medication, I think it was just because it took everything I had in me just to make it from one moment to the next and keep breathing without falling apart. The same is true for the visitation. There is a lot of it I don't remember. I remember people being there that I hadn't seen in forever and there being so many people I couldn't spend much time with any one person.
Writing about my feelings helps me to sort through them. But I worry sometimes what's good for me might be hurting others who are trying to heal from this also. One thing I've learned is everyone handles it differently. Some choose to never speak of it, some talk about him a lot. I do know my goal is to not be another statistic, or if I am to be a positive one. There are so many statistics out there about the number of marriages that end in divorce after the loss of a child. I've read that as many as 80% of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. We are working hard to make our marriage a priority. We became empty nesters, we have each other to lean on. We have to find what works for both of us as we work through our grief. Ryan told me the other day "Now is the time you're suppose to be like, my kids are out and I can live life again" And that is true. We were looking forward to that day. I had my kids early on purpose so they'd be grown and I'd still be young. It's just how we got here that brings a little guilt on the having fun part. But we will give everything we have in us to ensure we work together to continue to build a stronger marriage and bond between us because there is no way I could have made it this far without Jimmie's support and love.
Back to Mother's Day. This will be my first Mother's Day without Kaleb obviously. We still have other children to celebrate and we still have our Mothers to celebrate. We'll be placing Kaleb's new wreath/graduation decoration this weekend. I'll post pictures I'm sure. Jimmie was able to take a wreath one of our neighbors had made for us right after Kaleb died and place it on a stake and add the graduation cap to it. He did a great job putting this together and I can't wait to take it up there to add to his gravesite. For all the women out there who have children either biologically, through adoption or through marriage Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy your day this weekend with your children. Whether it's breakfast in bed, flowers sent from children who live far away, gifts made or brought to you from the ones who live close, a video call, skype, or phone call from the ones who can't be here cherish these moments. Take a day off from worrying and enjoy family time.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Beat of Their Own Drum
We had a great weekend in Tulsa this weekend. It was a much needed couples getaway. We did a whole lot of absolutely nothing. Went to flea markets, enjoyed a good mexican meal, went to a Drillers/Naturals game(might have eaten dipping dots twice in the same game). Then on the way back home Sunday stopped at the Renaissance Fair at the Castle at Muskogee. While it wasn't my cup of tea, I couldn't help thinking how Kaleb would have LOVED it there. Dressing up, speaking with an accents, swords and weapons. This is something I wish he could have experienced in his lifetime. He would have been in his element. He loved weaponry of any kind. He collected knives among other things. He could annoy the crap out of you by talking in an accent for extended periods of time just because he knew it got on my nerves. His grown up sense of humor would have loved the insult booth. This would have been a place he could have spent hours entertaining people and participating in their over the top dramatizations.
This is where Kaleb and I differed. I'm more the wallflower that likes to people watch. I'm awkward in unknown situations. Kaleb never met a stranger and would ask directions or find out what we were suppose to be doing from anyone. The other 2 boys are more like me. They don't like to ask questions. Kaleb always felt "different" in our family. I don't think I did a good enough job making him understand different can be a good thing. There are still things that need to be learned such as manners and being respectful and such, but marching to the beat of your own drum isn't a bad thing. That's how the world continues to evolve. Having people who think outside the box and aren't afraid to be the first one to try something. People who aren't afraid to go out on a limb and if that limb breaks get back up and try a different limb. I'm more of the tree trunk. Always going in a straight line and sticking close to the center. But I do like to surround myself with people who think differently.
The Renaissance Fair might not have been my thing, but it is something I wish we would have done with Kaleb. That's where not taking life for granted comes into play. I always thought we still had time to do more things and have more experiences. This is helping me to understand sometimes it's a good thing to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. You never know when it will be the last new experience you'll have. Or the last experience you'll have with someone. As you go through life the people around you are forever changing. You start out with grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles, then you get siblings and cousins. As you age you begin to make friends and then have nieces and nephews. You start losing your grandparents or great grandparents. You start having children and then you might start losing your parents, aunts and uncles. Then you might lose siblings before you. I can say I've lost great grandparents, grandparents and a parent. I haven't lost Aunts, uncles, siblings or cousins. I've been blessed. Losing my dad at what felt to me like a young age was hard. But losing a child is so much different. Maybe it's because you were a part of making that child, or raising that child. They were your responsibility and it feels like a failure on your part. I wept for my grandparents and my dad. I miss them still, but for Kaleb it's a completely different feeling. I'm heartbroken, I cry, I grieve but I'm also changed and I'm stronger and I think it's made me a better person. To this day I listen to "Why" by Rascal Flatts and it is like Kaleb's story. I have a playlist that I play when I want to feel close to him. They were some of his favorite songs. I'll always have it even when the songs are old and outdated. While he isn't here with me everyday, I have his memories. I have pictures. I have a few of his favorite things. But what I'll never have again is a hug, or a smile, or his voice. Those were a few of My favorite things.
This is where Kaleb and I differed. I'm more the wallflower that likes to people watch. I'm awkward in unknown situations. Kaleb never met a stranger and would ask directions or find out what we were suppose to be doing from anyone. The other 2 boys are more like me. They don't like to ask questions. Kaleb always felt "different" in our family. I don't think I did a good enough job making him understand different can be a good thing. There are still things that need to be learned such as manners and being respectful and such, but marching to the beat of your own drum isn't a bad thing. That's how the world continues to evolve. Having people who think outside the box and aren't afraid to be the first one to try something. People who aren't afraid to go out on a limb and if that limb breaks get back up and try a different limb. I'm more of the tree trunk. Always going in a straight line and sticking close to the center. But I do like to surround myself with people who think differently.
The Renaissance Fair might not have been my thing, but it is something I wish we would have done with Kaleb. That's where not taking life for granted comes into play. I always thought we still had time to do more things and have more experiences. This is helping me to understand sometimes it's a good thing to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. You never know when it will be the last new experience you'll have. Or the last experience you'll have with someone. As you go through life the people around you are forever changing. You start out with grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles, then you get siblings and cousins. As you age you begin to make friends and then have nieces and nephews. You start losing your grandparents or great grandparents. You start having children and then you might start losing your parents, aunts and uncles. Then you might lose siblings before you. I can say I've lost great grandparents, grandparents and a parent. I haven't lost Aunts, uncles, siblings or cousins. I've been blessed. Losing my dad at what felt to me like a young age was hard. But losing a child is so much different. Maybe it's because you were a part of making that child, or raising that child. They were your responsibility and it feels like a failure on your part. I wept for my grandparents and my dad. I miss them still, but for Kaleb it's a completely different feeling. I'm heartbroken, I cry, I grieve but I'm also changed and I'm stronger and I think it's made me a better person. To this day I listen to "Why" by Rascal Flatts and it is like Kaleb's story. I have a playlist that I play when I want to feel close to him. They were some of his favorite songs. I'll always have it even when the songs are old and outdated. While he isn't here with me everyday, I have his memories. I have pictures. I have a few of his favorite things. But what I'll never have again is a hug, or a smile, or his voice. Those were a few of My favorite things.
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