So Saturday is my birthday. Last year it was hard because it was the "first" first after losing Kaleb. The first thing we celebrated without him. Which means this year it's the first thing that he was never a part of for the whole year. I was 43 years old all year and Kaleb missed all of it. I don't think I really thought much about how that would feel to me, but I can tell it has affected me. Usually I'm all about having a birthday. And honestly this year I don't think I really have had the excitement I usually do.
My birthday falls at the best time of year. It's usually fair time so I get grilled corn and deer season always opens right around my birthday. All the fall stuff is out. Time to buy new clothes for fall/winter. (the only time of year I will actually shop much) I love the time of year my birthday falls. I really thought things would get a little more back to normal not thinking about the firsts, but I guess my perspective is forever changed. I'm more thankful this year. I'm thankful to have had another full year of life. I'm thankful to have great friends and family. I'm thankful for our boys.
Age doesn't bother me because it's just a number. It's how you feel on the inside that matters. Maybe I'm slow to mature, maybe I'll never act my age, whatever it is, I know it's not that I'm getting older that is keeping me more solemn. It's the questions. Why did I get to have another year and he didn't? How do you make it a whole year without your child? What is God's plan for me that I'm still here? Is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make a difference?
This year I've become more of a thinker. I've caught myself being more forgiving of people, thinking you never know what they might be going through right now. I'm working to become more like Tim McGraw's song "Humble and Kind". I want people to enjoy being around me and to feel good about themselves. I still catch myself making negative comments, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was before. I'm trying to be more considerate of others. To be a better wife, better mother, better friend. Now at times if I think about an old friend, I'll stop and drop them a text, or a picture of a sunset or something else they may enjoy. I want people to know they are important in my life even if we don't see each other all the time. How many people only look at facebook but never comment, only share cute bunny rabbits or fake news stories? I've started taking time and commenting more. Not because I care more than I did before, when I would smile as I read something and scroll on past. I still care the same, but I know people can't read my mind and see that I enjoy seeing their posts of their kids, a look into their daily lives. So my goal for my 44th year, my 23rd year as a mother, my 13th year as a wife and stepmother, my 2nd year without Kaleb is to become more involved in people's lives around me. Contribute more instead of standing back and being the wallflower. Work on my social skills more. Work on being more of a giver.
So to anyone that has read this far. Happy Fall Y'all. Get outside, enjoy the foliage. Take a minute and watch a sunset or a sunrise. Find a purpose in life and make a difference. Instead of participating in the negative be part of the change. Find the positive in each day.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Thursday, September 22, 2016
A different perspective
Everyday I wake up and find something to be thankful for. Whether it's having clothes to wear, a job to go to, or just making a green light on the way to work. Finding the positive things in life help me get from day to day. Some days are harder than others. Occasionally I still have days where I just can't get out of a funk. I have problems being truly thankful. It's hard to not judge other people and ask "why us?" I hear people everyday that are complaining about things that to me, would be a Blessing. I'd love to be able to tie my son's shoe, or fix his unruly hair, or hear him talk back to me. I know when those things were occurring I didn't have the same attitude towards them. We might not have seen eye to eye. We had different visions for his future. But I loved him with all my heart. I'm sorry for taking him for granted. For always assuming there would be a next time.
People sometimes lose patience with me always wanting to take pictures. But when you know what it's like to only have pictures left of someone that should have outlived you, who should have had plenty more tomorrows but didn't, then it's hard to not want to digitally record great memories. You never know when that's all you'll have. I know firsthand there are times where I've grasped around to try and find new pictures or video of Kaleb. There are no new memories being made. The only way to get a new memory is to see a picture or video, I've never seen before. As time passes those become fewer and farther in between. I know there are pictures out there. Kids have cell phones and instagrams, twitters and facebooks. It's hard to not become obsessed with wanting to track more down. Just to see a new expression on his face, or a different background.
I go through phases where I have nightmares now. I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on. They aren't all about Kaleb. They are about other bad things happening in my life. I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy. Our boys are grown and out of the home. I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call. I have a fear of missing calls now.
I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy. I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on. Now, I don't want to look. I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day. I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down. I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain. I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet. Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them. I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day. It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday. And I know they have to respond to calls of people they know. There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally. It wasn't some random stranger they were there for. It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question. Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes. I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.
We've made it through the "firsts". We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley. Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley. We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together. So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help. I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people. That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries. From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait. I'm so blessed people read it and shared it. Letting people know there is help available is key. Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide. Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.
Thank you to everyone that shared it. Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.
I go through phases where I have nightmares now. I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on. They aren't all about Kaleb. They are about other bad things happening in my life. I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy. Our boys are grown and out of the home. I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call. I have a fear of missing calls now.
I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy. I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on. Now, I don't want to look. I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day. I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down. I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain. I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet. Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them. I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day. It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday. And I know they have to respond to calls of people they know. There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally. It wasn't some random stranger they were there for. It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question. Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes. I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.
We've made it through the "firsts". We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley. Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley. We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together. So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help. I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed. I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people. That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries. From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait. I'm so blessed people read it and shared it. Letting people know there is help available is key. Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide. Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.
Thank you to everyone that shared it. Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.
We love you Kaleb.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
One year ago today
Sharing again on this 3rd anniversary in 2018. The pain never goes away. You just learn new coping mechanisms. Thank you to everyone that has supported us on this journey.
One year ago today we lost Kaleb. September is National Suicide Prevention month. To help spread awareness I ask that anyone who sees this post please SHARE it.
If someone needs help give them the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
Our Story:
1 year ago today we were a normal middle class family. I had a grown stepson, 2 sons in college and our youngest son Kaleb was a senior in high school. Kaleb was our handful. He was smart, opinionated, funny and not always socially appropriate. He had a grown up sense of humor from the time he was small. He had the art of administering a punch line down perfect. Kaleb never met a stranger, or at least they weren't a stranger for long. He'd start a conversation with anyone. He also struggled with severe ADHD. His plans after high school were to join the military. A perfect child he was not. Same as I was not a perfect parent. Of all our kids, Kaleb and I butted heads most often. There was a very wide gap between what I deemed acceptable behavior and what he deemed acceptable behavior. Not seeing eye to eye led to many disagreements. I am a stubborn hard headed person and I met my match with him. Maybe it was my love for him, or maybe it was my want to ensure I raised proper young men that would make positive contributions to the grownup world, I'm not sure, but there was something about him that had me putting in a lot of hours to keep him on the right path. Helping him find his way in a world that wasn't always equipped to handle his exuberance.
He came into this world 7 pounds even. Even as a toddler there was no stopping him. It took multiple people to keep him out of trouble. 1st week of kindergarten we got a call that he might need to be checked for ADHD. Our pediatrician just said he'd been expecting us, just not as quickly as he got sent. He spent 12 years on every ADHD medication made. He suffered different side effects with different medications. We stuck with the ones with the fewest side effects that enabled him to remain focused the longest. School was a struggle for him from day 1.
Kaleb was over the top with everything. He talked loud, he told the funniest stories, but his laughter was the best. He had the biggest belly laugh you've ever heard. That and his singing. Boy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but he belted his favorite songs at the top of his lungs. The boys bathroom was off our living room and there were many times I had to ask him to lower the volume in the shower because we couldn't hear the tv. He was also the first one to hold a door open for a stranger, or help an elderly person. If he wanted to accomplish something he did. I remember the first trip to Silver Dollar City when he was finally old enough to ride the "big" rides. He rode every roller coaster there with both hands thrown up in the air. No care in world, no fear whatsoever. He was an adrenaline junky. "He was" That is how I speak of him now. He was my baby boy. He was my partner in crime.
On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm, I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed our life forever.
One year ago today. Since then I've studied the statistics. I've shared countless educational things about suicide statistics and suicide prevention. That's all I can do now. Try and educate others on how to get help so another normal family doesn't have to learn how to navigate these difficult waters. So as we go through this day, one year since losing our youngest son, I ask that you let those around you know that you are there for them. You can listen and there is help available.
To anyone that needs help, feels down or doesn't know where to turn. Call the number above. Talk to your family or your doctor. Know that what you are feeling now is temporary and there are ways to get help. I pray everyday that somehow, someway we are able to make a difference in someone's life. We will miss Kaleb everyday for the rest of our life. That feeling is not temporary. There is nothing that can help take away the pain for us, his brothers, grandparents, extended family, friends or acquaintances.
One year ago today we lost Kaleb. September is National Suicide Prevention month. To help spread awareness I ask that anyone who sees this post please SHARE it.
If someone needs help give them the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
Our Story:
1 year ago today we were a normal middle class family. I had a grown stepson, 2 sons in college and our youngest son Kaleb was a senior in high school. Kaleb was our handful. He was smart, opinionated, funny and not always socially appropriate. He had a grown up sense of humor from the time he was small. He had the art of administering a punch line down perfect. Kaleb never met a stranger, or at least they weren't a stranger for long. He'd start a conversation with anyone. He also struggled with severe ADHD. His plans after high school were to join the military. A perfect child he was not. Same as I was not a perfect parent. Of all our kids, Kaleb and I butted heads most often. There was a very wide gap between what I deemed acceptable behavior and what he deemed acceptable behavior. Not seeing eye to eye led to many disagreements. I am a stubborn hard headed person and I met my match with him. Maybe it was my love for him, or maybe it was my want to ensure I raised proper young men that would make positive contributions to the grownup world, I'm not sure, but there was something about him that had me putting in a lot of hours to keep him on the right path. Helping him find his way in a world that wasn't always equipped to handle his exuberance.
He came into this world 7 pounds even. Even as a toddler there was no stopping him. It took multiple people to keep him out of trouble. 1st week of kindergarten we got a call that he might need to be checked for ADHD. Our pediatrician just said he'd been expecting us, just not as quickly as he got sent. He spent 12 years on every ADHD medication made. He suffered different side effects with different medications. We stuck with the ones with the fewest side effects that enabled him to remain focused the longest. School was a struggle for him from day 1.
Kaleb was over the top with everything. He talked loud, he told the funniest stories, but his laughter was the best. He had the biggest belly laugh you've ever heard. That and his singing. Boy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but he belted his favorite songs at the top of his lungs. The boys bathroom was off our living room and there were many times I had to ask him to lower the volume in the shower because we couldn't hear the tv. He was also the first one to hold a door open for a stranger, or help an elderly person. If he wanted to accomplish something he did. I remember the first trip to Silver Dollar City when he was finally old enough to ride the "big" rides. He rode every roller coaster there with both hands thrown up in the air. No care in world, no fear whatsoever. He was an adrenaline junky. "He was" That is how I speak of him now. He was my baby boy. He was my partner in crime.
On September 15, 2015 at 4:31 pm, I got an 8 second phone call from my husband that changed our life forever.
One year ago today. Since then I've studied the statistics. I've shared countless educational things about suicide statistics and suicide prevention. That's all I can do now. Try and educate others on how to get help so another normal family doesn't have to learn how to navigate these difficult waters. So as we go through this day, one year since losing our youngest son, I ask that you let those around you know that you are there for them. You can listen and there is help available.
To anyone that needs help, feels down or doesn't know where to turn. Call the number above. Talk to your family or your doctor. Know that what you are feeling now is temporary and there are ways to get help. I pray everyday that somehow, someway we are able to make a difference in someone's life. We will miss Kaleb everyday for the rest of our life. That feeling is not temporary. There is nothing that can help take away the pain for us, his brothers, grandparents, extended family, friends or acquaintances.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
1 year, 52 weeks, 12 months, 366 days, 8,784 hours.........
As the year starts to come to a close, We're doing better. We have our ups and downs. I believe we've found our new normal. I dread my Facebook memories in 14 days. I think I'll take a vacation from Facebook for at least a few days starting on the 15th of September. I have no urge to relive the nightmare from a year ago. I'm thinking about marking something positive off my bucket list on that day. Maybe that will be the day I try paddle boarding.
I've been thinking about why I do these blogs. Is it good for me or detrimental to my mental health? Does it prolong my grief, or help me handle it? Does it help anyone out there? It helps me put my thoughts into perspective. Like going to grief share helped me see that anything is possible. Life sucks sometimes but what you do afterwards decides if it will suck forever.
Honestly I use to feel guilty if someone saw me in public and I was laughing. Not anymore. I'm 43 years old. I've raised 3 children in my home. There have been good times and there have been hard times. We might not like the hand we were dealt but I'm going to make the most of my future. I will laugh, I will play, I will have fun. I will also cry, I will grieve and I will always have questions that will remain unanswered. With that I will also have our other children, dreams, plans and a future.
The anniversary of Kaleb's death just happens to fall during Suicide Prevention month. I will not celebrate the day of his death. But on that day I will work to spread suicide awareness. I will make a post on my personal Facebook page and on this blog page on the 15th to help spread suicide awareness. I ask that anyone who knows me or my family, knew Kaleb or of his story please share that post to help spread awareness of teenage suicide. Make sure you privacy setting for that post is public. Then if others choose to share your post others can see it. Maybe one less set of parents will lose a child. One less child will lose a sibling. One less teenager will lose a best friend. One less teacher will lose a student. One less child will become a statistic. By breaking the stigma regarding suicide it can be brought to peoples attention. They can learn it's ok to ask for help. It's not something to be hidden, or ashamed of. The pain and grief is hard. It hurts!
I saw a post on facebook a little while back of a college that placed backpacks on it's campus lawn to signify each student they had lost to suicide. Making it visual helps people understand. Those backpacks should be on the backs of a student, not laying on the ground. It helps you understand the number of young adults this impacts. I hope soon the number of backpacks being placed will begin to dwindle. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to to spread awareness.
I've been thinking about why I do these blogs. Is it good for me or detrimental to my mental health? Does it prolong my grief, or help me handle it? Does it help anyone out there? It helps me put my thoughts into perspective. Like going to grief share helped me see that anything is possible. Life sucks sometimes but what you do afterwards decides if it will suck forever.
Honestly I use to feel guilty if someone saw me in public and I was laughing. Not anymore. I'm 43 years old. I've raised 3 children in my home. There have been good times and there have been hard times. We might not like the hand we were dealt but I'm going to make the most of my future. I will laugh, I will play, I will have fun. I will also cry, I will grieve and I will always have questions that will remain unanswered. With that I will also have our other children, dreams, plans and a future.
The anniversary of Kaleb's death just happens to fall during Suicide Prevention month. I will not celebrate the day of his death. But on that day I will work to spread suicide awareness. I will make a post on my personal Facebook page and on this blog page on the 15th to help spread suicide awareness. I ask that anyone who knows me or my family, knew Kaleb or of his story please share that post to help spread awareness of teenage suicide. Make sure you privacy setting for that post is public. Then if others choose to share your post others can see it. Maybe one less set of parents will lose a child. One less child will lose a sibling. One less teenager will lose a best friend. One less teacher will lose a student. One less child will become a statistic. By breaking the stigma regarding suicide it can be brought to peoples attention. They can learn it's ok to ask for help. It's not something to be hidden, or ashamed of. The pain and grief is hard. It hurts!
I saw a post on facebook a little while back of a college that placed backpacks on it's campus lawn to signify each student they had lost to suicide. Making it visual helps people understand. Those backpacks should be on the backs of a student, not laying on the ground. It helps you understand the number of young adults this impacts. I hope soon the number of backpacks being placed will begin to dwindle. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to to spread awareness.
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