Does it get Easier

There are still days my life seems like a dream and I'll wake up and everything will be normal again.  Logically I know that won't ever happen.  But there is that one piece of me that still seems to be holding out hope.  And I believe that one piece isn't allowing me to move forward in the healing process.

In the last 10 months I've learned many things.

1.  You don't truly own anything.  Everything  you have is on loan to you from God. Nothing is yours forever.  Praise Him for everything positive in your life.  Give thanks for everything big and small, from your family to that cup of coffee you drink each morning.

2.  You can survive  your worst nightmare.  It won't be easy but it is possible to make it through.  You will learn many lessons on the journey.  You will have many thoughts and emotions both good and bad.  You will think things and wonder how could I have ever thought that, or even said that in some cases but it's all part of healing.

3.  You will meet all kinds of people along the journey.  Some of these might be where some of those thoughts came from.  Sometimes when people are enduring a difficult journey I've learned sometimes all they need is a hug, a smile, or just a shoulder to cry on.  Advise is good, but sometimes total strangers if they find out what happened say some pretty awkward things.

4.  You don't always make progress.  There are many regressions along the way.  Sometimes I'll go days, weeks or even at times a couple of months where I'm really making progress and then I'll have a set back.  I've been in a setback recently.  Maybe it's his upcoming birthday, or the anniversary of his death but I haven't been making progress lately, more like treading water.

5.  You need a strong support system.  People who understand that sometimes you need to be around people and doing things, and sometimes you just need to be alone with your thoughts.  I'm blessed to have Jimmie.  He is my loving supporting other half.  He helps me through each day.  I couldn't ask for better friends and family.  Not everyone has as strong a support system as I do.  I'm thankful for that everyday.

6.  It's ok to ask for help.  Sometimes you might need it right after it happens, other times it might be a while before you are ready to ask for help with healing.

I'm thankful for each of these things I've learned for they are making me a better person.  I am stronger, more empathetic, less judgmental and I'm learning patience.  I always said Kaleb was put on this earth to help me work on my patience and my peace making skills but he taught me so much more in his brief life.

As I wake up each day I'm going to find something to be thankful for that day, whether it's the sun in the sky, the ice tea I'm drinking for breakfast or the shoes on my feet.  I'm going to remember to focus on the positives and work on making myself a better person to ensure that one day I'll see him again.

10 months

Friday was a rough day for me.  It was the 15th.  10 months since we lost Kaleb.  It was one of those sneak attacks.  I've been doing pretty good on the month anniversaries the last few months, but for some reason when I looked up to check the date to write on something it hit me hard.  Maybe because usually I realize that date is coming up and July had just flown by and how could it have got to be the 15th and I didn't realize it.  As the day progressed it got better.

It's hard to process that 2 months from now is 1 year.  I think the anniversary being close is starting to make things hard to process again.  How can it be almost a year.  We've talked about it and chose to go away for the anniversary.  When will I be strong enough to face one of the "important" dates without running away?  I don't know, but I know it's not yet.   His birthday is next month.  I boarded the dogs for the weekend.  Not sure what we'll do yet, tossing around a couple of ideas, but I'm not ready to be here yet.  His birthday and our anniversary are only 6 days apart so we'll take a weekend anniversary trip.

Maybe when we get back we will go to the cemetery and release some balloons or something for him.  I'm not sure.  I don't want to celebrate the day he died.  I'd rather celebrate his birthday for the time we had with him.

I just made his Facebook page a memorial page because I didn't want his birthday popping up on everyone's reminders.  I know if it popped up on mine it would have broke me down.  10 months later and I can finally do it.  It would have been his 18th.  A day he was planning on to sign up for the military.  The only thing I've really found that keeps the depression at bay is staying busy especially exercising.  That helps so much.  It makes my brain think about other things (mainly pain and the need for oxygen) besides Kaleb.  It's hard to be depressed and thinking about him as much when you are having to concentrate on just breathing.

How are you suppose to handle these dates?  The birthdays, angel-versaries and dates which are significant to your family.  I know other people make it through these days everyday but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  There are different types of grieving.  I'm a runner apparently.  If I'm here I know I'll dwell on the negative and the sad stuff.  If I go away, not to take significance away from it, but you can't be as sad if you are on a mini vacation, or a full vacation.  Your days are packed with things to do.  The hours will go by faster instead of dragging by.  So for now, I'm still a runner.  For my family, I hope they understand, I still can't face it on those days.

I do think we've really started to find a routine and are getting used to the empty nest life.  We've done pretty good with that part of it.  One day I'll get a little better at handling the special days but for now I'll just keep checking out for a few days at a time.  So for those that want to judge, judge away.  I really don't feel to guilty about it.  It's what I need as a mother, as a person and as a survivor of suicide.  I've learned sometimes it's OK for it to be about our needs.

Pokemon Go-Kaleb's Missing It

For anyone that didn't know Kaleb personally, he was a self proclaimed gamer.  He wanted to play minecraft online for a living.  That was one of his career goals.  I remember that conversation vividly.  We had it in the kitchen at the old house.   I might have told him he needed a backup plan because he wasn't living in my basement as a grown up playing video games.  I know that was a stereotypical statement from watching to much tv and to many commercials.  I know there are people that make good money with video games, but I'm sure they are few and far between.  And honestly if I could take that statement back I would, he could live in my basement forever playing video games if he was still here, but hindsight is 20/20.  Onto the reason for this blog.  Pokemon Go.

Pre-Minecraft Kaleb at one time had quite a collection of Pokemon cards.  (Which we did give away after his death)  Excuse me if I use wrong verbage or call things by the wrong names but Pokemon and Minecraft were two things I never understood.  I'm not real good with imaginary concepts.  After listening to all the hype over the weekend I downloaded Pokemon Go just to see what the crap people were looking at because at least it wasn't just a bunch of cards.  There was an app with a map that you could see.  I picked up a few pokeballs and captured a few pokemon, even started an egg in an incubator, then I deleted the app.  I know with my type of personality (Kaleb came by it honestly) that would be easily addictive and could overtake my everyday life.  At least I can admit these things.  That's why I don't have a garden in Farmville anymore (if that game even still exists)  You shouldn't plan your life around when your imaginary crops are ready.  (In my opinion)  Now real crops are a different story.

KALEB WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS GAME.  There have been things I've been sad that Kaleb has missed since he's been gone.  He missed Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Tyler & Steph's wedding, 4th of July.  These are things that I missed having him there for and he would have been ho hum about.  But this is the first thing that he is missing that HE would be sad about.  I can honestly say if he were still alive I have no doubt he'd have skipped work and been running all over town with friends trying to capture these imaginary little ugly monsters.  He'd be at the gyms battling and would have formed or joined a team.  This would have taken over his life.  It would have brought him much joy.  So while there are things he's not there for that make me sad, this has actually been a little different.  Now he's missing stuff that he would have loved.  This might sound selfish, but I really hope there aren't any Pokeballs in Heaven but that there are a ton of rare Pokemon because I hope he's missing out on something he would have loved. He can't catch a Pokemon without the Pokeball and it'd drive him nuts not being able to do anything about it.  Turn about is fair play, we're missing out on Kaleb and he was something that we really loved and there isn't anything we can do about that.

It's Real

Did you wake up and go to work this morning? I did. Have you talked to you kids lately by phone, text, messenger or some other means? I have too. Have you worked hard to give them a good life and raise them with values and respect. I've tried hard to. Do you have tons of pictures of them as they grew up? Me too! While you were pregnant did you read baby "how to" books?  I know I did.   There are many families that have a lot in common.  One of the things is thinking they'll never be impacted by something bad.  That always happens to someone else.  You feel bad it happened for them, you say your prayers being thankful for the safety of your family, you do what you can to help them out.  We've done all those things also for people around us but you never know when something could happen to your family.  We could have been more educated about teenage suicide.  I'd never read a book about it, or knew the statistics.  I never knew the face of a suicidal person looked normal.  Maybe I watched to much tv.  I thought people always announced they were suicidal and asked for help.  That's not the case.  I thought it was always troubled kids who had been in lots of counseling and didn't have any friends, they were withdrawn and antisocial.  That's not always the case.  You have to know the signs and look for them.  You have to reach out and talk to your kids about it.
You might have talked to your kids about sex and STDs, talked about what to do if they are bullied but do they know they can come to you if they are having bad thoughts and are suicidal?   Do they know there is an open channel of communication available to them?   Even if they don't feel they can talk to you, do they know there are counselors at their schools, help lines available by phone and now there is even a text line since kids are more likely to text now than make a phone call.

These pictures are a lot more fun to take

  


Than these.
 


Crisis Text Line -  741-741  can text from anywhere in the world
National Suicide Prevention Hotline  1-800-273-talk (8255)

Put that Crisis Text Line in  your child's contacts.  It can be used for any type of crisis not just suicide.  Teach them it's OK to ask for help.

Spread The Word

Decided to start a facebook page for spreading suicide awareness.  Then I can separate my facebook and this page.  Some people aren't in a place where they can talk about it, or where they are comfortable reading about it.  By creating the page I can post regularly and people choose to follow that page so I don't have to worry that I'm creating another problem.

I invited several of you to like the page.  If you didn't receive an invite and you want to follow it search pages for "Kaleb's Story" or click on the link below.  I'm hoping to use that page to spread statistics, helpful information, inspirational quotes and my blogs that are specifically about our experience.  If you choose to like the page I ask that you share it on your feeds to try and get the word out.  To my surprise there have already been several people I don't know that have liked it.  That makes me think it's getting out there.  It went over 100 likes in the first day.  It's almost to 150 now.  It's not a store that sells something and gives away free things.  It won't run specials to get a good deal, but it will provide education.  Ways to approach the subject of suicide with kids specifically.  I want to lean more towards educating about teenage suicide because that is what impacted our family.  There are different organizations out there targeting different areas of suicide prevention and I'll share some of those links as well in case you want to follow them also.

I'm not big on public speaking.  I don't know how to organize functions, or do big fund raisers but I do know how to use social media (sometimes more than I should).  Hopefully this will be my way of contributing to the fight.  But to do that, I need your help.  To get pages out there and seen it takes people sharing it and spreading the word.   So I ask whether you choose to follow the page or not, please share this post with a link to the Kaleb's Story.  I only have so many friends on my list, but those friends have many more on each of their lists all over the world.

Thank you for helping.  I hope to help decrease the number of parents who "find" their child, or get "that phone call".  But in addition hopefully by spreading awareness it will help kids not get to that point.  They will seek/accept help earlier.

Link to Kaleb's Story on Facebook.

https://m.facebook.com/kalebsstory/

Suicide Awareness - B1 Pledge

The Jason Foundation (jasonfoundation.com) was founded by a father who lost his 16 year old son in 1997 to suicide.  His name was Jason.  He started this foundation to bring awareness and stop youth suicides.  Not talking about it, isn't what brings change.  Education and making people aware of the "signs" to look for.  Also letting people know what resources are available.  You can't help someone if you don't recognize the signs.  

Youth Suicide Statistics

 Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2013 CDC WISQARS)

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18. (2013 CDC WISQARS)
• More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.
• Each day in our nation there are an average of over 5,400 attempts by young people grades 7-12.
• Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs

The Jason Foundation has also partnered with Rascal Flatts to for the B1 Pledge.  The link below will take you to a brochure about how to B1 for a friend.  It's about how to watch for signs and to what to do if someone needs help.   

http://jasonfoundation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/b1_brochure_layout-11.pdf

Take the pledge and B1.  Know the warning signs.  

Warning Signs

Four out of five teens who attempt suicide give clear warning signs.

Warning Signs of suicidal ideation include, but are not limited, to the following:

• Talking about suicide
• Making statements about feeling hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• A deepening depression
• Preoccupation with death
• Taking unnecessary risks or exhibiting self-destructive behavior
• Out of character behavior
• A loss of interest in the things one cares about
• Visiting or calling people one cares about
• Making arrangements; setting one’s affairs in order
• Giving prized possessions away

Along with these warning signs, there are certain Risk Factors that can elevate the possibility of suicidal ideation.

• Perfectionist personalities
• Gay and Lesbian youth
• Learning disabled youth
• Loners
• Youth with low self- esteem
• Depressed youth
• Students in serious trouble
• Abused, Molested or Neglected Youth
• Genetic predisposition
• Parental history of violence, substance abuse, or divorce 

You may be the first and last person to see these signs in a young person.

The last statement is the one that gets me.  YOU may be the first and last person to see these signs in a young person.  YOU can make a difference, not by ignoring the silent epidemic but by not being afraid to get involved.  Make a difference in someones life.  Give them a future. 

Suicide Took My Full Time Job

We were talking the other day about how sad it is to see kids being neglected.  Parents not taking care of their kids.  I made the comment "Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids."  Then I thought about that statement.  Decided I wasn't the best one to give advise because I lost Kaleb to suicide.

One of my co-workers commented something along the lines about how hard I tried with Kaleb.  I was always trying to find what would work with him.  She's right.  After he died, I got bored.  It took me a while to realize why I was so bored.  Kaleb was a full time job in addition to my full time job.  He was from the time he could walk.  From the age of 1 - 5, I can't count the number of times we said. "That's just Kaleb."  He was a handful.  It sometimes took more than one person to keep him wrangled.  He seemed to grow arms and legs.  He could be into everything and running everywhere all while talking non-stop.  He was different.  Not in a bad way, just different.  He thought differently.  He communicated differently.  Watching a Dr Phil episode once about find a kids currency and you'll find a way to communicate effectively with them.  I NEVER found Kaleb's currency.  It wasn't physical objects.  It wasn't sweets.  It wasn't money.  It wasn't affection.  I never figured out what made him tick.

From the time I got up until the time I went to bed I had to make "plans" for Kaleb.  When he was smaller, it was making sure he ate something because of his food texture issues.  Making sure he didn't escape the house or call 911.  (both of those things  might have happened) If we were taking a vacation I had to make sure there were enough hands to handle the 2 older boys and keep Kaleb out of "no access" areas.  Make sure he didn't disappear in stores.  As he got older, it was making sure he had some place to go after school, someone to pick him up, or the key to the house.  Make sure he didn't miss the bus and actually made it to the house.  I got called to school quite regularly for "behavior" issues.  Nothing really BAD just small constant things.  Talking, not doing his work, talking back.  Although he didn't view it as talking back.  He felt he had an opinion and should be allowed to share his side, whether it was an appropriate time or not. By the time he got into high school it was trying to ensure he did his chores, he had rides places, that he actually went to bed at night and wasn't on minecraft or netflix all hours of the night.  And for any of you that want to say "that's an easy problem to fix." then you never spent a significant amount of time with Kaleb.  Prior to Kaleb, I'd have said the same thing.  He had a teacher one time that told me "he'd break him" during our parent teacher confernces.  At first I was mad, then I realized, nah, Kaleb had this.  By the end of the year they'd just come to a mutual agreement to agree to disagree.

I loved him the same as I love all my children.  You love each child differently.  I'll be honest.  It's not that you love one more than others, there are just different kinds of love.  And you love different things about each of  your kids.  I loved his independence.  I loved his ability to talk to anyone.  I loved that he wasn't afraid of conflict, if he was passionate about something he was going to make you understand why.  We butted heads more times than I could count but I wouldn't change it for anything.  That is who Kaleb was.  It was his job to challenge me to be a better person and to work on my peace making skills.

Kaleb was in no way an innocent child who did no wrong.  He was a full time job.  I always said if I had Kaleb first he'd have been an only child.  People thought I was kidding but I wasn't.  I'd have never had time to try and have another kid.  It took all of us to take care of Kaleb.  Us, his brothers, my mom and dad, sisters & brothers, nieces, nephews, friends we all were fully invested in him.

That's the only job I've ever been fired from.  That was terminated suddenly with no planning.  The whole village that had worked so hard to raise Kaleb was fired.  We all have time on our hands.  Don't get me wrong.  I worry about my other kids.  But again, it's a different kind of worry.  I worry about them from an innocence aspect.  They might not know how to handle a situation.  Kaleb was more of a cause and effect.  He had no ability to reason out if I do this, then this will/could happen.  His ADHD was severe and through his special ed testing his impulsivity was off the charts.  There was no telling what he would try or do if the thought got in his head.  I was fired from this job because I didn't stay ahead of him.  I kept him semi-safe from the world and vice-versa but I didn't keep him safe from himself.  There was a chapter I missed covering in the book of life.

My boys will tell you, I was long on speeches and examples and what to do in this scenario or that scenario.  I never covered what to do if you are contemplating suicide.  I never said, come to me, come to someone and get help.  I'm done having kids but hopefully from this someone else will learn that there is another chapter that needs to be covered.  I thought the cover it up condom speech was difficult but I knew it was important so we had it.  I'd cover this one in a heartbeat if I could go back.