So many headlines lately about "negligent" parents. Parents who should be charged with a crime for not ensuring their child's safety. It makes me thankful to be surrounded by good strong people. I'd like to cover this from a grieving parent's side. I lost my child to suicide. It wasn't an accident as happened with the alligater but I'm sure there are people that think we could have done something different. There are people who think we could have done better. We could have got help for him. We should have known he was suffering. We shouldn't have owned guns or ever showed him gun safety. My response to these people would be: What do you think we think about every second of every day? Do you not think we second guess everything we have ever done raising our boys? I'm sure these parents have those same feelings.
Social Media has made the world a whole new place to raise children. Whether it's the innocent picture of the worn out child sleeping in their carseat that the parent is shamed for having the chest clip to low or the straps to tight, the shoulder belt not properly placed, the wrong carseat for the size of the child, or they are forward facing versus rear facing. The picture of the little kid taking his first bike ride all alone without training wheels that the parents are so proud of the accomplishment and they are going to be torn apart because he was in the road in front of his house, the helmet wasn't the right one for his age, or his bike seat was to low. Everyone has an opinion, everyone can find something on the internet to back their opinions. A lot say they were just trying to educate the parent. Let them enjoy their child. They think they could do it better. It's not my place to judge. There are truly parents out there that are negligent and abusive, but for the most part they aren't the ones posting these cute loving pictures or videos.
I can speak for the 40 something year old generation, we were raised before carseats were mandatory and before seatbelts were required. When parents smoked in the cars with their kids with the windows up. We rode on the tailgate of pickup trucks and rode our bikes without shoes. We didn't all survive. There were accidents. And that's what they were, accidents. It wasn't because our parents didn't love us, or because they didn't take care of us. I know mine did because they let me have a childhood. They let me fish on the side of the river where there might be a water moccasin. They let me in our pasture where there were cows. I rode my bike in the road without a helmet and slept with my bedroom window open. It made me who I am today. I have experiences to draw from. It taught me common sense. I learned that if you give your perch to the snake it leaves you alone, don't run from cows, watch for other traffic and that wasps can get in screens if your window is up. I also learned that if you don't wear your seatbelt and someone has to slam on the brakes it hurts, so maybe I'll wear my seatbelt. That I hate cigarette smoke and I'll never smoke. That if you hit a big bump in the truck you'll fly right off that tailgate so maybe I should hold on. That if your foot slips off the pedal of your bike and you don't have on shoes you might just scrape off the end of your big toe, so now I wear shoes when I'm on a bike.
My opinion, You have to let your children learn from their mistakes. You do everything you can to teach them right from wrong and keep them safe. Mine were lectured regularly about why they shouldn't smoke. They were in carseats from the time they came home from the hospital. They learned why they have to look both ways to cross a street. Right down to elevator etiquette and the proper way to exit and enter an elevator and trust me there is a right and a wrong way. But you know what when it came down to it there were times as they got into the teenage years where they pushed the boundaries and at times I let them make their own mistakes. That's how they are going to learn. I worked hard at being a good parent. You know what, I still lost a child. Not by an accident, but by something much worse, again, in my opinion. By his own hand. I had a close relationship with my boys. Still do with the other 2. I don't know what I could have done to protect him from himself. Does it make me a negligent parent? Does it mean I loved my children any less than someone else? I'm thankful I didn't receive the negative publicity these other parents have because I can't imagine adding that burden on top of losing your child.
Let them be little. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. We need to come together as parents and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. And trust me I'm guilty also. I got a picture the other day and I almost messaged back to get his seatbelt on him right. But you know what, he was loving what he was doing right then. I don't know if they were stopped, or if he just moved the seatbelt over some for the picture so I chose not to respond because they are good parents and while it might not be what I would have done he was in a carseat with a seatbelt on. The world isn't perfect. I know people that have survived crashes only because they WEREN'T wearing their seatbelts. So sometimes it pays to break the rules. When it's your time, it's your time. It won't matter how you are wearing your seatbelt, or if you were wearing shoes on that bike. If you were walking in a foot of water, or walking beside the water on a beach. It's life. Sometimes even the happiest place in the world can be saddened by an accident.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
Searching for Memories - what'd we miss? Suicide Prevention
Heading to Kayak summer of 2014.
Exhausted......Mentally worn out. How'd we go from a normal everyday family to survivors of suicide loss?
Vacationing in Florida in 2010
Where'd the little boy go that was our encyclopedia? Our book of knowledge. Our comedian.
Deep Sea fishing at 11 years old.
The one that could do anything the big boys could do. Never met a challenge he wouldn't take on.
Branson 2014
Our poser. Always ready for a photo op!
Christmas 2014
Who knew that'd be his last Christmas gifts? The last Christmas pictures of the whole family.
Doing what he loved March of 2015
Making plans to enter the military when he turned 18.
Spring Break 2015
Never showed fear.
Mr Independent. Never met a stranger. Traveled to Seattle and back, alone at 16. Took selfies with the old man next to him on the plane to send me. And I'm sure talked his ear off the whole way.
August 17th, 1st day of senior year of high school, 3 days after his 17th birthday.
Does that look like the eyes of a kid that less than 1 month later will take his own life. When you envision a kid that is suicidal, is this the picture that comes to mind? It wasn't mine. He had a loving family, a nice home, a car, a job, friends. He had a great childhood growing up with good memories of vacations. He'd experienced a lot in his 17 years. Traveled across the country. Marked many things off his bucket list.
How is this all we are left with? Pictures.
Talk to your children everyday. See if they need anything, not just physical but emotionally. Trust your gut, if you feel something is off, don't shrug it off as being overly protective and think "they'll let me know if they need something". Even asked repeatedly the day of his death, he still refused help and assured everyone he was fine. He had all the right answers to make us believe him.
If you or someone you know ever feels like suicide is the only way out. Think of everyone you are leaving behind. Whether it's your family, your friends, your pets. Who is going to take care of them when you are gone? They will grieve for you and be lost in themselves. Ask for help, reach out to someone. Below I've posted the link to the national suicide prevention website.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Friday, June 10, 2016
When Your Scars Define You
I'm new to the group. A group I never even knew existed. A group I never knew how many people were actually a part of. A part of a statistic that no one talks about. There are different subgroups within the group. My subgroup would be mother's of children who have died by suicide. There are fathers, there are siblings, there are friends, there are spouses, there are children whose parents died by suicide. Everyone of us share a pain that is unimaginable. These groups grow by the thousands everyday. You're a part of the group for the rest of your life. You can't drop out if you stop paying your dues. You can't send in a card cancelling your membership.
I've had many people reach out to me, mainly other mothers who have lost children of various ages. They've shared things that helped them cope, they've shared support groups and resources, and just offered their phone numbers to call for support as being someone that's gone through it. I didn't ask to be a part of this group. I don't want to be. But it's life now. For us there is no other option but to move forward. This is who we are now. In a way it does define us. We may not have a physical scar for the world to see but it's there.
Do you see the scar in my eyes? They aren't as happy as they used to be. No one has ever wondered how I was feeling because I wear my emotions on my face. Whether I'm angry, happy, sad, carefree you can see it in my face. I've threatened lately to buy a shirt that says "This is my happy face". I'm joking, but it reality it's pretty true. Used to if I was deep in thought, or working through a problem I'd get the look on my face. Now I guess I have that look most of the time because I get that question a lot more "What's wrong?" or "What are you mad at?" It's not every second of everyday because there are times I work hard to fit in and look normal. Now it's a physical effort at times to have conversations, or to joke around. I used to be a jokester and loved to make people laugh. Now I'm not as quick on the draw and I almost have to make myself joke sometimes because my heart isn't in it like it used to be. I am a LOT more conscious of people's feelings and their emotions.
Do you feel it in my heart? It physically hurts sometimes. And not like heart attack chest pain (not that I know what that feels like) it's a physical pain when I am reminded of him or sometimes if I'm just thinking about it. It's a tightness and an ache that is truly a physical pain. Maybe hearts truly do break because I can feel it in mine. A part of it is broken. It was the "Kaleb" part of my heart it doesn't work like it used to.
Do you feel it in my legs. Don't get me wrong I'm not a skinny person. I'm not young and I'm not fast but I can feel the "weight" in my legs. Not my physical weight, but the weight of carrying that broken heart and the scarred eyes. It takes more effort to put one leg in front of the other and keep moving forward. My philosophy is, I'll just use it like exercise. It makes you sore and you feel worse before you feel better but if you keep going you start to see the difference. So everyday I put one leg in front of the other and walk myself through the day. Some days are better than others and I might get more miles on the legs. Other days as long as they hold me up, that is progress. It means I didn't give up.
I will never give up. I might have to invest in that shirt that says "This is my happy face" and I'll wear it proudly. I know I'm strong and I might not look as happy as I used to, feel as good, or move as quick but I'm still here. Working to make each day a little better.
I've had many people reach out to me, mainly other mothers who have lost children of various ages. They've shared things that helped them cope, they've shared support groups and resources, and just offered their phone numbers to call for support as being someone that's gone through it. I didn't ask to be a part of this group. I don't want to be. But it's life now. For us there is no other option but to move forward. This is who we are now. In a way it does define us. We may not have a physical scar for the world to see but it's there.
Do you see the scar in my eyes? They aren't as happy as they used to be. No one has ever wondered how I was feeling because I wear my emotions on my face. Whether I'm angry, happy, sad, carefree you can see it in my face. I've threatened lately to buy a shirt that says "This is my happy face". I'm joking, but it reality it's pretty true. Used to if I was deep in thought, or working through a problem I'd get the look on my face. Now I guess I have that look most of the time because I get that question a lot more "What's wrong?" or "What are you mad at?" It's not every second of everyday because there are times I work hard to fit in and look normal. Now it's a physical effort at times to have conversations, or to joke around. I used to be a jokester and loved to make people laugh. Now I'm not as quick on the draw and I almost have to make myself joke sometimes because my heart isn't in it like it used to be. I am a LOT more conscious of people's feelings and their emotions.
Do you feel it in my heart? It physically hurts sometimes. And not like heart attack chest pain (not that I know what that feels like) it's a physical pain when I am reminded of him or sometimes if I'm just thinking about it. It's a tightness and an ache that is truly a physical pain. Maybe hearts truly do break because I can feel it in mine. A part of it is broken. It was the "Kaleb" part of my heart it doesn't work like it used to.
Do you feel it in my legs. Don't get me wrong I'm not a skinny person. I'm not young and I'm not fast but I can feel the "weight" in my legs. Not my physical weight, but the weight of carrying that broken heart and the scarred eyes. It takes more effort to put one leg in front of the other and keep moving forward. My philosophy is, I'll just use it like exercise. It makes you sore and you feel worse before you feel better but if you keep going you start to see the difference. So everyday I put one leg in front of the other and walk myself through the day. Some days are better than others and I might get more miles on the legs. Other days as long as they hold me up, that is progress. It means I didn't give up.
I will never give up. I might have to invest in that shirt that says "This is my happy face" and I'll wear it proudly. I know I'm strong and I might not look as happy as I used to, feel as good, or move as quick but I'm still here. Working to make each day a little better.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
What Happens When You Kill Yourself
I read an article or Q & A type thing on facebook today. It actually brought tears to my eyes and I got chill bumps as I was reading it because of the raw emotion I felt. Basically the question was asked "What happens when you kill yourself?'. The answer was given not about what happened to that person but how it impacted there family, friends, teachers and even just acquaintances. While the description didn't fit our family exactly it was a girl and she was the older child it was close. This would be my answer. You may ask, why do I feel qualified to answer this question, because I am this mother and we are this family. This is our nightmare everyday.
Q: What Happens When You Kill Yourself?
A: Your step-father will come home from work and think you are sleeping. He will try to wake you up only to realize you weren't asleep. He will call your mother at work and tell her "Get home now. Don't ask questions. Just get home." She will drive home as fast as possible praying that anything in the world is wrong except the truth, only to get home and collapse in tears and disbelief. The tears and crying won't bring you back no matter how many she sheds, or how hard she cries, she can't fix it for you or for her family. Her family is shattered apart. Your mother will have to tell your brothers, your grandmothers and your biological father while he's across the country, that you are dead. Your brothers will cry like they've never cried before because they loved you. You were their baby brother. One of "the boys". They don't remember a day when they didn't have you as their brother. Your friends will come together and make shirts in honor of you. They will group together crying as they remember you. Your dog will stop playing and just lay in the house lost without you. Your aunt and your mom's friend will have to come "clean up" the house before people can come over to give their condolences. Your parents will go to a funeral home and plan a funeral for their baby boy. There will be over 600 people at your funeral. You impacted each one of their lives in some way. Your friends will put together a video to play at your funeral of pictures and videos they compile from their cellphones. Showing the love you had for life and showing how much they loved you. Your JROTC team mates will honor you by placing stickers on your coffin. They will walk bravely up there with their stoic faces and so many of them will crack and show emotion as they place that sticker. They will embrace each other. Your friends in their uniforms and your cousin who flew in from his post in the Marines will carry your coffin. They will fold the American Flag that your best friends dad had embroidered for your coffin. It will have your name, your date of birth and the date you died. They will have practiced hard prior to your funeral because that's not something they'd had to do before. Your mother will kiss your cold hard forehead one last time before they close your coffin.
Your family will move out of your childhood home the next week because they can't handle being in it. There are nightmares and things they can't handle. Your brothers will have to repeat some classes from that semester of college as they missed school and then weren't always completely focused through the rest of the semester.You have friends that will seek counseling to help them through. They will struggle with grades and behaviors as they learn to deal with the loss of their best friend, their boyfriend, their ex-boyfriend. Your youth group will gain new members as your friends try and find something to help them deal with all the emotions. Your teachers will wonder if there was more they could have done, or what they could have done differently.
Your parents will go to your grave site for the rest of their lives to decorate your headstone. They won't plan gifts for the holidays, they will plan different sprays to coordinate with the holiday. They will learn to plan around the anniversary of your death, your birthday, your graduation day and holidays because they will not be able to handle those days in public. They will look through old pictures just to see your face and hear your voice. They will always wonder "why?". There will always be something that reminds them of you whether it's a song, or a smell or a car and in that one second they will tear up and all the pain will return.
So what happens when you kill yourself is you pass your pain tenfold to everyone around you to bear for the rest of their lives. You alter the paths of those who surround you forever. And no matter how bad a day you are having, if you give it an hour, give it a day, give it a few days, ask for help, anything, there are ways to make it better. Once you complete suicide, there is no second chance. You are gone and everyone you loved and who loved you are stricken with the worst possible curse ever. In their mind, every single day, they think that they couldn't love you enough to make you want to stay. No matter how heartbroken they are it won't change the past. You are forever gone and they never got to tell you goodbye or give you one last hug and kiss.
Q: What Happens When You Kill Yourself?
A: Your step-father will come home from work and think you are sleeping. He will try to wake you up only to realize you weren't asleep. He will call your mother at work and tell her "Get home now. Don't ask questions. Just get home." She will drive home as fast as possible praying that anything in the world is wrong except the truth, only to get home and collapse in tears and disbelief. The tears and crying won't bring you back no matter how many she sheds, or how hard she cries, she can't fix it for you or for her family. Her family is shattered apart. Your mother will have to tell your brothers, your grandmothers and your biological father while he's across the country, that you are dead. Your brothers will cry like they've never cried before because they loved you. You were their baby brother. One of "the boys". They don't remember a day when they didn't have you as their brother. Your friends will come together and make shirts in honor of you. They will group together crying as they remember you. Your dog will stop playing and just lay in the house lost without you. Your aunt and your mom's friend will have to come "clean up" the house before people can come over to give their condolences. Your parents will go to a funeral home and plan a funeral for their baby boy. There will be over 600 people at your funeral. You impacted each one of their lives in some way. Your friends will put together a video to play at your funeral of pictures and videos they compile from their cellphones. Showing the love you had for life and showing how much they loved you. Your JROTC team mates will honor you by placing stickers on your coffin. They will walk bravely up there with their stoic faces and so many of them will crack and show emotion as they place that sticker. They will embrace each other. Your friends in their uniforms and your cousin who flew in from his post in the Marines will carry your coffin. They will fold the American Flag that your best friends dad had embroidered for your coffin. It will have your name, your date of birth and the date you died. They will have practiced hard prior to your funeral because that's not something they'd had to do before. Your mother will kiss your cold hard forehead one last time before they close your coffin.
Your family will move out of your childhood home the next week because they can't handle being in it. There are nightmares and things they can't handle. Your brothers will have to repeat some classes from that semester of college as they missed school and then weren't always completely focused through the rest of the semester.You have friends that will seek counseling to help them through. They will struggle with grades and behaviors as they learn to deal with the loss of their best friend, their boyfriend, their ex-boyfriend. Your youth group will gain new members as your friends try and find something to help them deal with all the emotions. Your teachers will wonder if there was more they could have done, or what they could have done differently.
Your parents will go to your grave site for the rest of their lives to decorate your headstone. They won't plan gifts for the holidays, they will plan different sprays to coordinate with the holiday. They will learn to plan around the anniversary of your death, your birthday, your graduation day and holidays because they will not be able to handle those days in public. They will look through old pictures just to see your face and hear your voice. They will always wonder "why?". There will always be something that reminds them of you whether it's a song, or a smell or a car and in that one second they will tear up and all the pain will return.
So what happens when you kill yourself is you pass your pain tenfold to everyone around you to bear for the rest of their lives. You alter the paths of those who surround you forever. And no matter how bad a day you are having, if you give it an hour, give it a day, give it a few days, ask for help, anything, there are ways to make it better. Once you complete suicide, there is no second chance. You are gone and everyone you loved and who loved you are stricken with the worst possible curse ever. In their mind, every single day, they think that they couldn't love you enough to make you want to stay. No matter how heartbroken they are it won't change the past. You are forever gone and they never got to tell you goodbye or give you one last hug and kiss.
Monday, June 6, 2016
The Dreams
Most nights I look forward to dreaming of him. Last night was terrible. It was dream after dream of bad dreams. Woke up at midnight from the first one. Got back to sleep and was up again at 3 short of breath and chest hurting from apparently trying not to cry in my dream. I dreamed his whole funeral all over again except he sang at the funeral in my dream. But it wasn't Kalebs singing voice. Love my son to death and he loved to sing but he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. But in my dream he sang the sweetest song on pitch and everything at his own funeral. Trying to make it through that song in my dream and hold it together must have woke me up.
Working in the medical field isn't always a blessing sometimes you know things you don't want to know. Because the last dream some how I was Kaleb laying in the coffin and everyone was debating over me for open coffin or closed and I (being Kaleb) was trying to tell them closed because I feel "seepy" and I won't be able to hold it in during the service. (If you have to ask you don't want to know) In case anyone was wondering we did closed casket because I requested it. No reason other than I didn't want a bunch of pictures out there of Kaleb in his coffin in the Internet for me to forever run across. It was a completely selfish reason because others were ok with an open casket but I wasn't. Maybe that's why I had the dream because I convinced everyone to leave the casket closed for all but the family at the cemetery. Was it selfish? Probably but in 10-15 years majority of people are going to think of Kaleb occasionally but I'll still be thinking of him everyday. So I used that to help me with the reasoning behind the decision.
Normally my dreams with him in it are happy and I wake up refreshed. This morning I just wanted to wake up because they were terrible. Guess that is one of the backwards steps. Now to start marching forward again. And hopefully to a peaceful nights sleep. I'll never say I hope I don't dream about him because even in the bad dreams I get to see him. Just hoping for a little bit of peaceful rest.
Working in the medical field isn't always a blessing sometimes you know things you don't want to know. Because the last dream some how I was Kaleb laying in the coffin and everyone was debating over me for open coffin or closed and I (being Kaleb) was trying to tell them closed because I feel "seepy" and I won't be able to hold it in during the service. (If you have to ask you don't want to know) In case anyone was wondering we did closed casket because I requested it. No reason other than I didn't want a bunch of pictures out there of Kaleb in his coffin in the Internet for me to forever run across. It was a completely selfish reason because others were ok with an open casket but I wasn't. Maybe that's why I had the dream because I convinced everyone to leave the casket closed for all but the family at the cemetery. Was it selfish? Probably but in 10-15 years majority of people are going to think of Kaleb occasionally but I'll still be thinking of him everyday. So I used that to help me with the reasoning behind the decision.
Normally my dreams with him in it are happy and I wake up refreshed. This morning I just wanted to wake up because they were terrible. Guess that is one of the backwards steps. Now to start marching forward again. And hopefully to a peaceful nights sleep. I'll never say I hope I don't dream about him because even in the bad dreams I get to see him. Just hoping for a little bit of peaceful rest.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Depression vs Life
In the last 8 1/2 months I've experienced every emotion known to man. The highs, the lows and everything in between. By the end of this month I will have had a child die, a child move out of state, and a child get married all in the last 9 months. We've moved twice. Went from homeowners to renters. Went from a house full of kids to empty nesters. My perception of what is normal has changed completely.
There have been 2 major "traumas" in my life that have truly affected who I have become today. 1. My dad dying. That shook my foundation to the core. I talked over every decision with him prior to making it. We didn't always agree but he always listened and gave me his opinion. I became more independent then, less naive and hardened a little bit. 2. Kaleb's death. I just thought I had experienced pain before in my life going through the first "trauma". Until that day I truly didn't know what pain was. There is a pain that is almost greater than you can endure. And in some cases it is greater than people can endure. This one had almost the opposite impact of the first one. I learned it's ok to cry. It's ok to accept help. It's ok to not always be the strong one. From this I became softer and more compassionate.
From Kaleb's death I've also learned that there are times I'm not going to be ok. Sometimes it's just for a few minutes, or a couple of hours. Other times it might be for the whole day. There are specific days I know will always be rough. Then there are things that happen out of the blue that just hit you and there is nothing you can do to keep the emotion from overtaking you.
As we've learned to accept our new normal and function from day to day, the everyday things have gotten a little easier. But the ache of missing him has got a little worse. I guess because more and more time has gone by without seeing him. My mind knows he isn't coming back and I'm sure there will be a turning point with this also where you finally reach the point where you can't miss someone anymore than you do and it will set in that it's a forever feeling. Maybe then it will start easing up a little bit.
We watch some show about people living in the wilderness in Alaska. One couple, lost one of their young daughters to drowning. They are much older now and their other daughters are grown and they talk about her on the show. You can see the pain they still go through even now. I know that is my future, to always speak of Kaleb in the past tense. Even knowing these things and accepting them, you can't control how you react to situations. Whether it's the truck that is always in our neighborhood 6 houses down with RIP Kaleb 9/15 permanently on the tailgate, a song on the radio, or something as simple as picking up dog poop. Kaleb hated that chore and probably put up the biggest arguments about doing it. I don't think he ever understood that it wasn't a punishment, it was a chore that someone had to do. Now that he's gone it's my chore. So while I clean up the backyard a lot of times I think of Kaleb and the many arguments we had about poop. Probably some of our most heated discussions came about this chore. Was it wrong of me to give him a chore he hated? I still stand behind my decision to not cave and swap the chore with another. Sometimes life isn't fair and you have to do things you hate. You can't pick and choose what you deal with in life. Trust me, if you could we wouldn't be dealing with this trauma because we'd have switched it out with one that doesn't hurt as much.
There have been 2 major "traumas" in my life that have truly affected who I have become today. 1. My dad dying. That shook my foundation to the core. I talked over every decision with him prior to making it. We didn't always agree but he always listened and gave me his opinion. I became more independent then, less naive and hardened a little bit. 2. Kaleb's death. I just thought I had experienced pain before in my life going through the first "trauma". Until that day I truly didn't know what pain was. There is a pain that is almost greater than you can endure. And in some cases it is greater than people can endure. This one had almost the opposite impact of the first one. I learned it's ok to cry. It's ok to accept help. It's ok to not always be the strong one. From this I became softer and more compassionate.
From Kaleb's death I've also learned that there are times I'm not going to be ok. Sometimes it's just for a few minutes, or a couple of hours. Other times it might be for the whole day. There are specific days I know will always be rough. Then there are things that happen out of the blue that just hit you and there is nothing you can do to keep the emotion from overtaking you.
As we've learned to accept our new normal and function from day to day, the everyday things have gotten a little easier. But the ache of missing him has got a little worse. I guess because more and more time has gone by without seeing him. My mind knows he isn't coming back and I'm sure there will be a turning point with this also where you finally reach the point where you can't miss someone anymore than you do and it will set in that it's a forever feeling. Maybe then it will start easing up a little bit.
We watch some show about people living in the wilderness in Alaska. One couple, lost one of their young daughters to drowning. They are much older now and their other daughters are grown and they talk about her on the show. You can see the pain they still go through even now. I know that is my future, to always speak of Kaleb in the past tense. Even knowing these things and accepting them, you can't control how you react to situations. Whether it's the truck that is always in our neighborhood 6 houses down with RIP Kaleb 9/15 permanently on the tailgate, a song on the radio, or something as simple as picking up dog poop. Kaleb hated that chore and probably put up the biggest arguments about doing it. I don't think he ever understood that it wasn't a punishment, it was a chore that someone had to do. Now that he's gone it's my chore. So while I clean up the backyard a lot of times I think of Kaleb and the many arguments we had about poop. Probably some of our most heated discussions came about this chore. Was it wrong of me to give him a chore he hated? I still stand behind my decision to not cave and swap the chore with another. Sometimes life isn't fair and you have to do things you hate. You can't pick and choose what you deal with in life. Trust me, if you could we wouldn't be dealing with this trauma because we'd have switched it out with one that doesn't hurt as much.
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