Jeep Worthy!

Have you ever had something that you are more attached to than a normal person should be?  My Jeep is that way to me.  I LOVE my Jeep.  Loved it when I bought it.  I'd wanted one forever.  My husband was never a fan of it, not enough head or leg room.  He didn’t think it was safe enough for me. It definitely doesn't ride like a car and there isn't an electronic piece of equipment on it, from roll down windows, to push in locks and a key you actually put in the door to unlock it.  Who knew those things still existed. We couldn't take it on trips so it added up miles on his vehicles because my Jeep was only driven during the week by me to and from work.  Or in the beginning hauling Kaleb around until he got his drivers license. 

 It's a 2013 and I've owned it since the day it drove off the lot.  So why do I love my Jeep so bad.  In the beginning  I loved the freedom of taking the top off when I wanted, the wind in my hair, sun on my skin.  Didn't matter if I had to have the heater on while this was occurring, it was the point that I could do it.  I can park it anywhere, it zips around town, or curvy roads quickly and we all know how I like to drive.  I probably didn't use the air conditioner the first couple of years I had it, didn't matter how hot it got, I used the windows because that's why I got it.  I love to be outside and feel the sun and the wind.  Don't get me wrong I still do these things to this day.  There are just new reasons I love my Jeep now.  

But the reason has changed.  This is the Jeep that Kaleb learned to drive in.  He took his driver's test in it.  Who else goes to take their driver's test, parks in the state police parking lot and someone else taking their test backs into your vehicle.  Only Kaleb.  Thank goodness it was a Jeep, they only hit the spare tire on the back and scuffed up my cover.  But the look in his eyes when the State Trooper walked in and asked who was driving the Jeep Wrangler and he had to say him.  Priceless.  This is the vehicle we made our Braum's runs in and hid our napkins in the console until we could get to a trashcan so there was no evidence.  Speaking of Braums, never buy ice cream and try and drive with the top off.  It sprays everywhere, as we found out one summer day on a trip back from Lake Fort Smith with Ryan and Kaleb.  It's the memories that are in this Jeep that make it special.  I can't make new memories with Kaleb in them.  He'll never be in a new car with me.  

It's also the vehicle I was driving that last morning when I left him at the gas station getting gas.  The last time I saw him alive.  As I waved goodbye and said I love you.  Same vehicle I drove home that day as I was given the news about his death.  It's made many countless trips to the cemetery with me.  So when is a car not a car?  When it's a Jeep that holds your precious memories that are irreplaceable. The memories will always be in my heart, but to not be surrounded by them every time I drive will be hard as I trade in my Jeep that has been my baby for almost 6 years.  To be a grown up and let practicality outweigh the sentimental attachment is hard.  There is no Blue Book value on what my Jeep is worth to me.  It's Priceless.  No one will be able to love Zippy as much as I do.  They'll never appreciate the memories that were made in it.  But maybe some family will get to make new memories in it.  

"My Journey" Making it Memorable

     

For those that know me well, you know it's getting close to that time of year when I struggle.  It doesn't matter how happy I am in life, because let's face it, I'm surrounded by a pretty awesome group of family and friends.  I live in the most beautiful and peaceful surroundings imaginable but the next 2 months will always suck for me.  We were watching drag racing last weekend as we do most Saturdays and Sundays when its that season and there was an interview on there with Clay Millican labeled "My Journey" and he discussed losing his son Dalton at the age of 22 to a motorcycle accident.  He talked about the knock at the door and hearing those words.  It hit me in the heart.  To hear another parent talking about " that moment" hurts my heart so bad.  Because you can't even describe that pain.  Even though our losses were two completely different kinds of loss, they are still the same.  We both are left without one of our sons.  You also realize there are so many people out there on this terrible journey with us.  I guess I don't remember this happening because it's so close to the time we lost our Kaleb.
   
     I'm thankful we as a couple have been strong enough to be able to beat the odds.  I'm thankful we as a family did not crumble.  When I have down days, one of my best friends always tells me, "we're going to get through this, even if I have to push, pull or drag you through it".  I have no doubt she would do that.  We couldn't ask to be surrounded by better people.  They know when we need space, and they know when we need to have people around us to keep us busy.   I'm not always able to go to family gatherings, or attend holidays because it might not be a good time for me.  One thing people don't always understand is if I cry when we talk about Kaleb, it's not always because I'm sad.  Sometimes they are happy tears because of the joy of remembering him and talking about the memories from his journey.  Or remembering something new.  And if I ever happen across a new picture or a new video where I can hear his voice that I've never heard before, you can bet I'll cry.  Not from sadness but just from joy of a new memory I get to experience.

     My blogs have gotten further and further apart.  Sometimes I still blog, but I don't post the blog.  I leave it as a draft, or don't share it.  It still helps me.  So here's to year 3.  August 14th, 2018 he'd have been 20.  No longer a teenager.    Wondering what would he have been like, what would he be doing, is hard.  But probably what's harder is trying to remember his laugh, his smell, and the feel of those bony sweaty arms as he'd try to give me a gross sweaty hug just because he knew it'd bother me.  September 15, 2018, yeah, don't expect to hear from me that day.  The AFSP River Valley Out of the Darkness walk is the next day.  We did the walk last year.  We opened a team up this year, Kaleb's Army, but last year, it was a almost a month after the anniversary.  I'm good with collecting and contributing donations, but I don't know if I'll actually be able to go to the event this year.  Not sure I'll be ready for crowds and to be able to give that emotional support needed to attend it.  I'm not much of a people person on my good days.

     I know most everyone has seen the tragic news about the Ride the Ducks tragedy in Branson and I'm sure so many of us have ridden those very same Ducks either there, or in Hot Springs.  The people who lost their life that day had no idea their journey was going to end.  I'm sure they had plans for the future.  Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.  I thank God everyday for giving me one more day and Blessing me with those around me.  Our move last year had a lot to do with living our dream life.  When you decided to down size and live in a 28 foot camper for a year so that you can save and get a house onto your property in the middle of no where, that's taking a chance.  We could have just kept saying "someday".  Finally we said no, if we're going to do this, now is the time.  The opportunity presented itself and we jumped.  Now when I walk out on our porch, and look out over the pond, there is a feeling of Peace.  This is our little piece of Heaven and I can only speak for myself but I feel closer to Kaleb there.

     Each of us are on our own Journeys.  To anyone that has outlived their child, your journey just took an alternate route than other people.  It doesn't have to make it a bad journey.  We only get one journey what have you done to make yours memorable lately? 

   

Kaleb's Army - 2 years later

I've written and rewritten this blog twice now, this is the 3rd time.  The first was full of facts and impersonal, the 2nd was to personal and was just me talking to Kaleb.  This one is going to be short and simple.  I have put the settings of this blog to public so it can be shared if you wish to do so.

Two years ago today we suffered the biggest loss I can imagine when Kaleb died by suicide.  Our family and friends have worked everyday since trying to put our lives back together.  It was a loss we never saw coming, will never understand and it changed the course of so many people's lives.  Our family remembers Kaleb everyday.  We speak his name proudly.  There is no shame in our voices.  Our son lived 17 years making people laugh, telling many jokes, being a pain in people's back sides, and never meeting a stranger.  There will never be another Kaleb.  We want him remembered as he lived not how he died.

Having said that, we have chosen to particpate in the AFSP - River Valley Out of the Darkness Walk - to be held at Ben Geren, October 8th, 2017.  We have put together a team in memory of Kaleb.  "Kaleb's Army"  Kaleb's battle might be over but we will continue the fight for him to see that others get the help and education they need in the fight against suicide.  I have included a link below to our team's page.  You can click on the link and it will take you to the website where you can join our  roster to participate in the walk, or just to show your support.  There is also a place if you choose to donate you can donate to the AFSP-Out of the Darkness Walk using a debit or credit card or a pay pal account.  The money goes directly to the AFSP and is tax deductible.  It is credited to our team (Kaleb's Army) for the walk.

https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/Karen-Pate

The main point of this blog isn't about the fundraising but about the journey.  This journey we have been on has given us platform to help us raise Awareness about Suicide.  This is not something that was ever on my radar as something that would impact our lives.  I'm a speech giver, just ask my kids.  They've had speeches on everything from elevator etiquette (when my dad was in and out of the hospital so much it was important to know this), to what to do if your brakes go out on your car.  As they were growing up we talked about every scenario I could come up with and how to handle it.  This wasn't a chapter in my book of "what ifs".  I want to add this to someone else's book.  Not just an addendum, but a full chapter on Suicide Prevention/Awareness.  Teaming up with the AFSP helps do this.  Scroll through their website and look at what their funds are used for.  I want to help break the stigma surrounding Suicide.  Don't sweep it under the rug, or never speak of it.  Talk openly with your kids about it so they know how to ask for and receive help.  Let them know it's ok to ask for help if they need it.

If you need help, or someone to talk to please call someone that can help you.

Happy Birthday Kaleb

Kaleb's birthday passed yesterday and for some reason this one was harder on me than last year.   It took me a while to figure out why but I think I've finally figured it out.  I've talked about it before, the closeness in age my boys had.  They were always talked about as a unit. "The boys"  When anyone in the family referred to my children they referred to them as "the boys".  I did the same thing.  When you  have 3 single pregnancies within 4 years you have kids stair stepped.  The way their birthdays fell they did fall with a year between each of them in school.  They should have graduated in 2012, 2014 and 2016.  So Tyler was kind of in the middle of his age group for his year.  Ryan was an older one for his school year and Kaleb was the baby of his school year barely making the cutoff to go to school that year.

This I believe is why I am having more problems this year.  As I have dreams that include "the boys"  or as I think about them.  Tyler and Ryan are aging.  They are 23 and 21 now.  When I picture them, I picture them at their current age.  Kaleb should be turning 19.  But when I picture him he's still 17.  There is a gap forming and everyday it gets a little wider.  Two of the boys are turning into men and Kaleb is left behind for always. In an earlier blog I'd talked about having problems saying "the boys" now in reference to only Tyler and Ryan.  If discussing all of our children, Austin, Tyler, Ryan and Kaleb it was "Our boys" and I can still say that but I still wince each time I say "the boys".

I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me.  I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17.  I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking.  Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully.  So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know.  I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year.  Maybe next year!

 I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year.  For me they are for 2 things.  One, a healing process for me.  I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision.  Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince  you they weren't serious.  Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there.  Reach out to someone.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture.  Don't say how can I  make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today.  Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.

I love Kaleb beyond description.  I am at Peace with his death.  That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed.  I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself.  There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny.  I've called him every name under the sun.  Does that mean my love for him is any less?  No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him.  That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him.  I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings.  Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day.  I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with.  So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day.  So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day.   Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have  to be anything huge.  Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.

Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!

A New Year

It's been a while since I've blogged. Getting through the Holidays was a little rougher than I expected.  Not sure what we will do for this year yet.  Now it's a New Year, 2017.  That means we lived all of 2016 without Kaleb physically.  A whole year that Kaleb wasn't part of, how is that possible?  We choose to talk openly about him.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't mention his name.  I might be folding laundry and get sidetracked watching TV and Jimmie will say "ok, Kaleb, finish what you were doing."  I have mentioned before that we share that ADD trait.  He came by it honestly. 

There was a time after he died where I would get upset when I'd hear people post negative things about their kids or hear them talking negatively about them. I was so jealous. I wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were to have them to be upset at.  I've changed.  I'm not jealous of them. To be jealous I would have to want what they have and I wouldn't trade Kaleb for anything.  He might have been a pain in my ass but he was my pain in the ass.  He taught me many things in his 17 years.  I was not a perfect parent and he was not a perfect child.  He taught me patience.  He functioned on his own time table. He did not do things on my time, he did them on Kaleb's time.  I learned to say "can you have it done by "whatever: time, then he could choose when he did it.  This way he had input on when he did it.  He taught me to pick my battles.  He taught me to compromise.  He taught me there is more than one way to get the job done. As long as its done correctly and no one got hurt or arrested in the process does it really matter how it got done?  There were some things  we never agreed on.  You are not allowed to slam doors in my house.  I might have removed a few bedroom doors in their teen years.  Right wrong or indifferent it was my rule.  If you broke that rule you knew that was the consequence.  You got a warning and a chance to shut it correctly if that didn't happen then the whole house was punished because then everyone in the house had to listen to whatever music, game, TV show or whatever was going on in the bedroom until I gave the door back. 

Even in his death he is still teaching me things. He has taught me compassion and empathy.  You never know what someone is going through in their life. Take the time to talk to people and listen to their story.  I'm learning to listen more.   I don't know all the answers and never will but I do know that I will live my life to the best of my ability.  I will do unto others as I would have them do unto me.  I will not judge others choices.  I may not agree with them but it's not my job to judge them.  I am not an enabler.  While I say I will not judge others I also said it doesn't mean I agree with them.  If you choose to make bad life choices, I will choose to not be around you.  His death taught me one of the biggest lessons of all.  You don't always get what you want in life.  My "perfect" life is what I make it.  No amount of protesting or rioting or blaming others will bring him back.  I make choices to support the AFSP, I choose to blog about our personal struggle to raise awareness about suicide prevention.  It might not be something that will make the National news because it's not creating controversy that will stir the pot but maybe it will reach one person who might be contemplating suicide, and make them think of the consequences of forever. That's how long it will be before they'll see their parents, siblings, and friends again.  What seems bad today might seem insignificant tomorrow. Maybe it might reach one family who has just started this ugly journey and bring them some hope that one day they will be able to breathe again.  Or maybe it will just help bring me more Peace on this journey.               

We are use to the quiet now.  Going from a house full of boys until Tyler graduated in 2012, to just the 2 of us and the dog this last year is a massive difference.  We appreciate when the kids come to visit now.  Not hearing TVs or music coming from the other bedrooms or card games in the kitchen, the thump, thump, thump of the basketball outside is something it took a while to get use to.  Now this is  our Peace. We come home to get away from the real world. It is quiet and it is Peaceful.  One day we will find the perfect house to be our forever home but for now we are happy where we are in our temporary home. 

My birthday week

So Saturday is my birthday.  Last year it was hard because it was the "first" first after losing Kaleb.  The first thing we celebrated without him.  Which means this year it's the first thing that he was never a part of for the whole year.  I was 43 years old all year and Kaleb missed all of it.  I don't think I really thought much about how that would feel to me, but I can tell it has affected me.  Usually I'm all about having a birthday.  And honestly this year I don't think I really have had the excitement I usually do.

My birthday falls at the best time of year.  It's usually fair time so I get grilled corn and deer season always opens right around my birthday.  All the fall stuff is out.  Time to buy new clothes for fall/winter.  (the only time of year I will actually shop much)   I love the time of year my birthday falls.  I really thought things would get a little more back to normal not thinking about the firsts, but I guess my perspective is forever changed.  I'm more thankful this year.  I'm thankful to have had another full year of life.  I'm thankful to have great friends and family.  I'm thankful for our boys.

Age doesn't bother me because it's just a number.  It's how you feel on the inside that matters.  Maybe I'm slow to mature, maybe I'll never act my age, whatever it is, I know it's not that I'm getting older that is keeping me more solemn.  It's the questions.  Why did I get to have another year and he didn't?  How do you make it a whole year without your child?  What is God's plan for me that I'm still here?  Is there something I'm suppose to be doing to make a difference?

This year I've become more of a thinker.  I've caught myself being more forgiving of people, thinking you never know what they might be going through right now.  I'm working to become more like Tim McGraw's song "Humble and Kind".   I want people to enjoy being around me and to feel good about themselves.  I still catch myself making negative comments, I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better than I was before. I'm trying to be more considerate of others.  To be a better wife, better mother, better friend.  Now at times if I think about an old friend, I'll stop and drop them a text, or a picture of a sunset or something else they may enjoy.  I want people to know they are important in my life even if we don't see each other all the time.   How many people only look at facebook but never comment, only share cute bunny rabbits or fake news stories?   I've started taking time and commenting more.  Not because I care more than I did before, when I would smile as I read something and scroll on past.   I still care the same, but I know people can't read my mind and see that I enjoy seeing their posts of their kids, a look into their daily lives.  So my goal for my 44th year, my 23rd year as a mother, my 13th year as a wife and stepmother, my 2nd year without Kaleb is to become more involved in people's lives around me.  Contribute more instead of standing back and being the wallflower.  Work on my social skills more.  Work on being more of a giver.

So to anyone that has read this far.  Happy Fall Y'all.  Get outside, enjoy the foliage.  Take a minute and watch a sunset or a sunrise.  Find a purpose in life and make a difference.  Instead of participating in the negative be part of the change.  Find the positive in each day.

A different perspective

Everyday I wake up and find something to be thankful for.  Whether it's having clothes to wear,  a job to go to, or just making a green light on the way to work. Finding the positive things in life help me get from day to day.  Some days are harder than others.  Occasionally I still have days where I just can't get out of a funk. I have problems being truly thankful. It's hard to not judge other people and ask "why us?" I hear people everyday that are complaining about things that to me, would be a Blessing.  I'd love to be able to tie my son's shoe, or fix his unruly hair, or hear him talk back to me. I know when those things were occurring I didn't have the same attitude towards them.  We might not have seen eye to eye. We had different visions for his future. But I loved him with all my heart. I'm sorry for taking him for granted. For always assuming there would be a next time.

People sometimes lose patience with me always wanting to take pictures. But when you know what it's like to only have pictures left of someone that should have outlived you, who should have had plenty more tomorrows but didn't, then it's hard to not want to digitally record great memories.  You never know when that's all  you'll have.  I know firsthand there are times where I've grasped around to try and find new pictures or video of Kaleb.  There are no new memories being made.  The only way to get a new memory is to see a picture or video, I've never seen before.  As time passes those become fewer and farther in between.  I know there are pictures out there.  Kids have cell phones and instagrams, twitters and facebooks.  It's hard to not become obsessed with wanting to track more down.  Just to see a new expression on his face, or a different background.

I go through phases where I have nightmares now.  I'm not sure if it's normal, or really what brings them on.  They aren't all about Kaleb.  They are about other bad things happening in my life.  I guess maybe I have a heightened fear of future tragedy.  Our boys are grown and out of the home.  I don't see them everyday but it doesn't keep me from worrying about getting another phone call.  I have a fear of missing calls now.  

I've realized how much my perspective has changed regarding tragedy.  I used to be like most other people, when you see an accident on the side of the road, or a bunch of emergency vehicles, I'd watch trying to figure out what was going on.  Now, I don't want to look.  I don't want to chance seeing a person as broken as I was that day.  I remember the crying, the hysterics, the disbelief before I was given something to calm me down.  I hope to never see someone going through that kind of pain.  I think it would trigger to many memories I'm not ready to confront yet.  Fire Fighters, Policemen, EMTs I respect them.  I have no idea how they are able to see these things day after day.  It really does take a special kind of person to be able to handle the heartbreak and tragedy they see everyday.  And I know they  have to respond to calls of people they know.  There were people there that day that knew my husband and I, they knew our kids personally.  It wasn't some random stranger they were there for.  It wasn't random strangers they were trying to comfort and question.  Now when I see lights, or drive up on an accident, I try to avert my eyes.  I will go an alternate route if I see a bunch of emergency vehicles with lights on all grouped together.

We've made it through the "firsts".  We starting to reach out and volunteer to bring changes and awareness stuff to the River Valley.  Hopefully by this time next year, we'll have a sanctioned "Out of the Darkness" walk in the River Valley.  We are volunteering with others to begin the process to put this together.  So over the next year, I might be contacting people for help.  I've mentioned before I'm stubborn and hard headed.  I'm bound and determined to make some kind of a difference and I realized after the blog post on the year anniversary that we really can reach a lot of people.  That post has now been read over 4400 times in 10 different countries.  From the USA to Italy, China to Australia and even in Kuwait.  I'm so blessed people read it and shared it.  Letting people know there is help available is key.  Talking to people, taking a little time to maybe be the person that could help them through the minutes, hours or days when they are contemplating suicide.  Being their support, taking away their plan. Whatever it takes.

Thank you to everyone that shared it.  Without each of you we wouldn't be able to reach as many people.

We love you Kaleb.