Slowly Coming Out Of My Shell

 The emotions are starting to hit a little early this year.  I know it's a mixture of a lot of different things.  Our granddaughter was born on March 1st.  It has been amazing over the last 4 months, watching her grow, keeping her whenever her parents need a break, and seeing the kids turn into wonderful parents.  This is where it gets tough for me.  Kaleb would have been a great uncle, not that she doesn't have great Aunts and Uncles now, but he was great with little kids.  He would have been talking in all the baby voices, playing peek-a-boo and I'm sure pretending to drop her or do some other outrageous thing just to be an entertainer.  She will never get to meet him or hear his huge laugh fill the room, or have to listen to his "wonderful" signing at the top of his lungs.  Thinking about the what ifs always gets the emotions flowing more than normal.  I learned a long time ago I have to let the what ifs go, but sometimes actually doing it is a lot harder.   

Almost 6 years later and I'm having to work to remember all the laughter, joking and good times we had, because since he died, I've focused on what I could have done different.  I've went over every disagreement we ever had to pick it apart for how it could have been handled differently, or how I could have handled an argument, or discipline different than I did.  I could have learned to be more understanding faster.  Hindsight is 20/20, but would it have made a difference?  I'll never know.  This is why I try not to think about the what ifs.  I have always believed that you are put on this earth for a certain number of days and when it's your time, it will be your time.  Whether you are sitting on a couch, watching tv, or parachuting out of a plane.  But in that thought, I was always thinking about my own time on earth.  I never imagined applying it to my children.  Everyone's days are numbered, we never know when it will be the last one and I don't think anyone is ever ready for someone to die but it will still happen when it's their time. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  Mark things off your bucket list early, don't leave a list full of unchecked boxes.  

I think the doubts I have regarding my ability as a mother come from the way he died.  Would it have been different if it was an accident or a sickness.  I don't know, and hopefully I'll never find out.  I do know, since losing him I've gone through every emotion possible and most of them 100s of times.  Child loss is hard.  These emotions and feelings will last the rest of your life.  It's so easy to withdraw completely from everyone around you.  And I'm guilty of that at times.  If I don't let people in, I can't hurt again.  Maybe if I don't see their kids growing up and graduating, they won't see the jealousy in my eyes and I won't feel the stab in my heart.  Having our granddaughter has helped so much.  I'm slowly coming out of my shell because I don't want to miss a second of her growing up.  Whether it's rocking her to sleep, or carrying her around to introduce her to "farm" life, I want to cherish each of these memories.  Kaleb will always be a huge part of our life.  He will forever be missed, but I have to stop wondering what could have been and focus on the here and now and share the good memories.  Stop focusing on the difficult times and make new good times.  He will forever be in our hearts and there will never be anyone just like him and definitely no one that can deliver a one liner or punchline like he could.  He was my beautiful blue-eyed baby boy.  

Am I enough?

Where to even begin.  Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day our life changed forever.  I've learned so much over the last several years.   We've experienced many wonderful firsts, including welcoming 2 wonderful daughter-in-laws into the family.  I've also experienced many things I never even thought would be a trigger.   Watching the grandchildren that were younger than Kaleb, pass him by, who knew that would even be a trigger but the day they turn 17 years 1 month and 2 days old, they are older than Kaleb ever lived to be.  I've learned there are a few things people who haven't lost a child will never understand, some are listed below.  While I'm far from "healed" or "over it", I think everyday is better than the day before.  It's still very hard for me to do large family functions, they can start the downward spiral into thinking, Am I Enough?   

One of the biggest things I've learned is that you change completely the day you lose your child.  At times it's hard to act appropriately to the news around you.  Someones dog died, or their grandfather, while it might seem like an earth shattering, life changing event to them, you look at it in a different light.   That's when you begin to wonder, Am I Enough?  Is there enough of me left to relearn the proper reactions?  The words flow out of my mouth but are they genuine and heartfelt?   It's hard for those around you to watch you struggle and they don't know how to act.  It's easy to drive people away without meaning to.   I Thank God daily for MY PEOPLE.  Mix in my ADHD with the grief and there are times I can be a mess.  Am I Enough of a friend to those around me?  Do I give enough of myself when someone is feeling pain?  

Failure is something I feel often that I rarely felt before.   For a long time I wanted it to be 9/14/15 again so I could have a do over, then I thought about it and I'd never want my son to feel the pain he was feeling again so I decided I don't want a do over.  Then it's "I wasn't enough".  I couldn't save my son how can I be allowed to live a happy life when I couldn't even recognize his pain.   You have to  learn to deal with the emotions that come with this one.  We have 3 other boys, plus daughter-in-laws.  "Am I Enough for them?"  Learning to be present in the moment is something I've definitely learned.  I use to stop and take pictures all the time, and right after I lost him I took tons because what if something else happened, that's all you have left.  The negativity of that thought is what helped me to realize I can't live for the what ifs, I have to live for the right now.  Now I usually forget about taking pictures because I'm busy being in the moment.   Someone else has to take over the job of picture taker.  I'd rather be involved in whatever activity everyone is doing.  

Marriage is hard enough without adding in the loss of a child.  Each person grieves differently.  For 2 people to grieve a child and keep a strong marriage is SO SO HARD.   You have to find the emotions within you and share those with another human, opening yourself up for pain again.  I often times feel like I'm failing my marriage by not being a good enough wife to my husband.   I become withdrawn when I'm having problems dealing with a certain day or time of they year.    This is one of my biggest challenges, shutting out the ones who care about me the most.  It might be what I need, but it could be the opposite of what they need at that moment, compromise, I'm still working on that.  Learning to communicate effectively and learning to forgive is the beginning of healing.   I still wonder daily "Am I Enough" for my marriage because I Love my husband more than he’ll ever know but I forget to show it sometimes.

Am I Enough?  Enough for my husband, enough for our other children, enough for my friends and extended family.  The gaping hole the loss leaves inside your chest does not miraculously fill back up.  You don't just wake up one day and everything is good again.  I see pictures of myself Pre 9/15/15 and I look at my face and my eyes and I see a different person.  The relaxed smiling poses with bright eyes and overall love for life, now there is usually a guarded expression in my eyes, even when I'm smiling.   I don't know what it means to relax, because the busier I keep my mind and my body the less I dwell on it.  

The tsunami of emotions has ebbed, it's now just a slow wave, where the tides change occasionally.  I can go days, sometimes even weeks without negative feelings breaking through, but they are always there in the background, waiting.   I want to love like I did before 9/15.  I want to be happy like I was before 9/15.   It's not that I don't love, and I'm not happy because I am, it's just different.  I know the sooner I learn to live with my life now, the happier I will be.  I still catch myself wishing, wanting, trying to go backwards, like it was all just a dream.  If you saw me on the street on any given day and didn't know my story, I don't think you'd see a mother who lost her son to suicide and who struggles on a daily basis with the question, Am I enough? I think you'd see a short, fluffy middle aged lady with RBF who seems a little grumpy at times and isn't afraid to say what I mean, but hopefully you'd also see someone who might take a little extra time with a child, someone who loves to surprise people in line behind her at sonic, or write a Thank You card, or a note about how much a person means to them.    You never know a person's story, until you ask, even if you've walked one almost like it.  

That is something I tell people who have lost a child since we have lost Kaleb.  Our journey and their journey will be much different.  You will have to learn to recognize your triggers, learn to say No if you aren't up to something one day, but the one thing that is the same, is you can't give up.  Because no matter what we've been through, we have to find a way back to be able to say "I AM ENOUGH!".  I can be there for my children, my husband, my family and friends.  Who I can be ENOUGH for might have changed, I might not spread myself as thin, but I will learn to live in the present, and most importantly I will be there for MY PEOPLE.   

We talk openly about suicide awareness/prevention and mental health with our family, friends and work places.  I ask that you learn to have these difficult conversations with your child or children in your life.  Let them know they ARE ENOUGH.  The world is better with them in it.  That you are there for them whatever they may need.  Teach them how to find judgment free spaces to ask for help if needed, and if they shrug you off or ask why are we even talking about this, tell them that you WANT TO BE ENOUGH.  You want to be that parent, friend, teacher, counselor that was ENOUGH and made that difference.  You never know, if each person reading this impacts just one life then it was ENOUGH.  Think of the lives we could save if we worked together.  

So to Kaleb, we love you now as we loved you then.   I miss your jokes and that belly shaking laugh.  I miss your smell, the feel of those bony limbs you were just growing into jabbing me in my leg or side.   I miss my friend and ice cream sneaking buddy.  I miss the boy who taught me that I didn't know all there was to know about being a mom, you could test me like no other.  You taught me that people can do things different ways and get the same outcome.  You taught me to view the world differently.  For all your teenage boy gruffness,  you were the first to help an elderly neighbor in need.  I even miss your temper.  You were ENOUGH for us, for your friends, for your family, so we to shall learn to be ENOUGH for each other.    

#bekalebsvoice  #teenagesuicide  #recoveryfromloss  #iamenough 

Day 1 of 16 years and cruising

10 hour drive to New Orleans accomplished. New city marked off the bucket list and I remember why I don’t like big cities, way to many people. But I will say after the boring drive through southern Arkansas and Mississippi once we hit the boot of Louisiana it was so cool coming through on 55 seeing  the Marshes and then over Lake Pontchartrain. We saw real live Alligators in the waters beside the highway.  I’m so easily amused in a vehicle. That’s where the amusement ended.

Checkin at Hilton Riverside was difficult. It has so many levels and drop off/parking is at the end of a street so you can only be there for so long before they make you move. Have to have a bellhop to get a luggage cart. Then rooms are separated into 3 different buildings. There have been a few wrong turns but we eventually got settled.

Went across the street to Harrahs casino for dinner after we looked at the hotel restaurant menu and saw that crab dip was $89!! Holy Crap!!!   So we did the buffet at Harrahs and we were not disappointed. It was wonderful. I learned that in New Orleans no matter what you are going to eat it’s going be hotter than expected, the macaroni, the Chinese noodles, but the flavor is awesome. They said don’t you remember watching Swamp People, and Troy putting all those spices on everything??  I said I saw him putting them on there but I don’t have “taste”avision, I have television, I didn’t know what the finished product tasted like. Now I’ve had a Taste Of New Orleans.  After we were stuffed we moved on to the slot machines.  I lost my $20 and Jimmie won our dinner back. It was a no- smoking casino. They had a smoking area outside with a few machines out there. There were a lot of shops, restaurants and bars. I think it’s one of the cleanest casinos I’ve ever been in.

Returned to the room, watched some tv and the ships go by on the river.  Went to bed with the curtains open, mainly because I’m a dork and didn’t figure out there were black out shades behind the sheers until this morning 😂😂. Yep, and that’s the second dumbest thing I did yesterday. I didn’t even write about the dumbest.   Let’s just say it involves an elevator, and I hadn’t even been drinking yet. Bet me and the people in the elevator got a good laugh and I’m sure they got off and had a OMG you’re never going to believe what just happened. Oh well, live and learn. There’s a reason I live in the boonies.  Technology sometimes is not my friend.

We watched the Glory come into port around 6:00 this morning. Been hanging out this morning waiting for boarding time. Definitely not ordering room service. We did walk to the Cafe Du Monde and got beignets for breakfast. I’ve now been there and done that, New Orleans!  Boarding at 11:30, so close now!!

16 years and Cruising Final Preparations

This was the start to my morning. 😂😂 We are only taking Rex to Kamp K9 the first week then Goober is coming next Friday. Rex decided he wasn’t leaving without Goober and Goober  was not happy about being left. So I had one in the house whining to get OUT and one 70 pound Australian Shepherd refusing to load up that kept running back trying to get IN.  Finally end up having to get Goober out and put him in the car to try and coax Rex in but he had figured out it was a trick and was still having none of it. I did finally catch him and carry him to the car (and get his collar back on him).  Poor Goober had to go back in the house. Then had to listen to Rex cry all the way to Kamp K9 because he missed Goober. I’ve never seen a more dependent dog. He has to have another dog around. Get to Kamp K9, Micah carried him in, he was still sulking.  Her husband gets the bright idea to let their dog out to come see him and I’ll be darned if Rex doesn’t perk right up and forget about being unhappy to run off to play with Cooper.  All he needed was a dog forget people.  🙄

Finally make it to work much later than planned.  Had a pretty good day. And you know what time it is?? Vacation time!!! Emergency numbers written for Ryan. He may be an adult but he’ll always be our little boy. Lists made and crossed off. Bags packed and ready. Documents printed.  Leaving for the Big Easy bright and early in the morning.  It’a time to get #16yearsandcruisin started.

Happy Birthday Kaleb Forever 17

Your laugh was unforgettable.  The way your eyes twinkled and that smirk you'd have on your face when you thought you'd got away with something.  That booming voice of yours that could be heard for miles.  The many cowlicks you had causing  unique hair patterns and those sharp knees, elbows and butt bone that you loved to dig into people.  That sharp angular jaw line and those baby blue piercing eyes.  The endless puns, one liners, jokes and punchlines.  Your go or go home attitude.  Not afraid of anything including me.  I never found your "currency" as Dr Phil puts it.  I never learned what made your tick.  You were as unique as they come.

Today is 21 years since I gave birth to you but you were only given 17 years 1 month and 1 day on this earth or 6241 days.  You were so special that's all God had planned for you.  You touched so many people in the days you were given here.  And you are making such a difference even after your death.  You taught me so many things.  You taught me there are different ways to accomplish the same goal, and to respect peoples differences.  You taught me patience and some mean negotiation skills.  You taught me humility and that it's OK to ask for help.  You taught me to live EVERY SINGLE DAY like it's your last because tomorrow isn't promised for anyone.

I believe that everyone is only given so many days on this earth.  I've always believed when it's your time, it's your time whether you’re driving a race car, swimming with sharks, skydiving or sitting at home on your couch, when your time is up, it's up.  I wasn't able to apply it to your death until recently.  But it must have been your time.  No matter how you go, if it wouldn't have been your time, you'd still be here.  So I've stopped imagining a career, wedding, grandkids because I know they were never in  your cards.  You were given to us for 6241 days, to make a difference in our lives for that time, and then for us to make a difference in other peoples lives for the rest of ours however many more days that may be.

So I'll celebrate the day of your birth and this marks 21 years since the day of your birth but you are Forever 17.  Love you forever Kaleb.  I will continue to #BeKalebsVoice in the fight against Suicide and to help bring Suicide Awareness programs into the mainstream.

Countdown to Cruising 2019 - need a catchy name

I need a catchy phrase for our 2019 vacation.  This is a repeat of a cruise we did 9 years ago, so maybe somethings x 2, or do over.  We're going to the Bahamas and it's for our anniversary, so any of those things could be used for the name also.  We're sailing on Carnival Glory, out of New Orleans with my in-laws.  Ok, that's about it.  Any ideas are appreciated but I'm having a block.  I can't come up with any catchy hashtags to name the cruise.  We are cruising on a different ship out of a different port.  So it's not a repeat of the Glory or New Orleans, just so there is no confusion on names.

Other than that, we are down to we leave for the drive in 4 days.  Saturday morning about 4:00 a.m. can't get here soon enough.  Bags are almost all packed, final arrangements made for house sitter, dog sitters, grooming for the dogs while we're away has all been taken care of.  Working on finishing up final instructions for work stuff and wrapping up final projects and doing last few days of "daily" work.

Tuesday is work and hair appointment day.  Everyone has to have a fresh hair-do for a trip.  Getting my highlights done and a haircut.  If it's called a haircut when you are growing it out in front.  I realized after I cut off my hair this last time, that I wasn't able to wear my CC Beanies in the winter time as my hair was to short.  I looked bald.  So now I'm working on growing out some hair for a stacked bob so I can wear my hats in the winter time.  The things we do to have a warm head in the wintertime.

I'm off Wednesday to spend the day celebrating Kaleb's birthday and pampering my fingers and toes.  I'll pretend he's there with me.  That would have been funny.  One his feet were ticklish so he'd have never made it through the pedicure and would have been overly dramatic about it and two he'd have given us every fact about how pedicures came to be whether they were true or not, I'd have had to look them up to see.

Thursday is a full day of work.

Friday is drop of Rex at Kamp K-9 at 8:00 in the morning when they open.  He's staying the full time at Kamp K-9, while Goober gets to stay with Ryan at the house the majority of the trip.  Rex is still an overgrown puppy and needs a little more oversight than Goober does.   This way he gets lost of play time and other dogs and people to play with, while Goober will get some one on one time with his boy.  Then the next Friday Ryan will bring Goober out to join Rex and they'll both get groomed on Saturday.
Anyone that is ever looking for a boarding place for your dogs and they are over 6 months old and have all their shots, Kamp K-9 is the best place ever.  Our dogs love it.  After drop offs it’s to work for the day and then home to make sure everything is packed.
Then off to bed that night, after checking to make sure EVERYTHING is packed and that the boarding passes are accessible and in the carry on luggage.  Hopefully this cruise I don't lay a bag down with my camera in it and walk off the ship.  I might have ducked security while they were busy and ran back on the ship to grab my bag.  Hey, I love my camera and it had all my trip pictures on it and we know how I love pictures and photo ops!  I just thanked him and smiled as sweet as possible as I passed him my 2nd time exiting the ship.  Oops.

Saturday - up at 3, leave our house at 4:00 to get to inlaws and get everything in the truck and loaded and ready to leave by 5:00.  On the road to New Orleans!

Here’s to a great no name vacation!

Learning the Ins and Outs of Cruising with Wifi

It's been about 6 years since we've been on a cruise and the cruising industry has changed quite a bit.  Six years ago, people unplugged when they cruised.  They only using their phones in ports where they could find wifi available.  Or they paid high fees from their mobile plans to use their devises while they were away.  Data fees were outrageous. 

I remember locking my phone in the safe for the 7 days, and realizing to late that I didn't bring a watch so I had no idea what time it was because I depended on my phone to tell me.   Then on that 7th day bringing my phone out and spending the whole drive home catching up with the real world.  What happened while I was away on vacation.  And uploading tons of photos to store forever in clouds somewhere for safe keeping.

Now, wifi plans is available on most ships.  We are going to cruise with Carnival and the ship we will be on, the Glory, offers 3 different plans:  Social, Value & Premium.   This is how in touch with the world everyone has to be, 3 different plans so everyone's needs are met.  We don't unplug, even when on vacation anymore.  I've always kept a journal on our vacations to remember the great times we had, the places we visited and the people we met.  This time I've decided to blog our trip instead, which brings me to having to learn about wifi on cruises.  I've never dealt with using digital devices while on a cruise.  We cruised fairly often for several years, but then haven't cruised in the last 6 years.  Sometimes life happens and plans change.

I've posted on the Shipmate app with some questions regarding which plan would be a good choice for our ship and my plan to blog to get input from people who have cruised recently on the Glory.  I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here, just trying to learn about what people do every day without racking up crap tons of data charges. One person says Glory has extremely slow and non-existent in places wifi, another person says getting the value package should work fine and that they are going on the Glory in July and will try and remember to update me on the speed/accessibility of the wifi.  Which it's not the end of the world if I can't post as the cruise goes along.   I'd like to be able to communicate with my kids occasionally during the week but if I can't post my blogs until we disembark that's fine.

It's been so long since we've cruised and almost a year since our last vacation, I'm definitely ready for a weeks vacation.  I read an article about a company that started paying their employees $2000 to go somewhere for vacation.  They only received the money if they actually scheduled a trip and went away for a true vacation.  If they didn't have the money to afford a plane ticket up front, they could put it on the company credit card and then the remainder of their trip would be reimbursed up to the $2000 limit.  It was a way of encouraging their employees to take scheduled time off and recharge their batteries.  Some people work and work and never take more than a day at a time.  Then you have others that are always off.  The ones that never take a week of vacation will experience burn out in their positions.  So this was their way of controlling employee turn over.  And if you think about it, the cost of training new employees, not just to that employee, but for the other employees that are picking up the work load while the new employee is training is quite significant.  so compare that to $2000 to hold on to your already trained employees.  I could see how that would benefit companies.

Not sure how I got off on that topic, but it is an interesting thought.  I've always been one to take at least 1 solid week vacation per year.  I need time to recharge completely.  And actually going on a cruise and turning off the email, skype, texts is the only way I will truly leave work at work.  If I stay in the country, I'll continue to work so cruising is a perfect vacation.  With the WiFi package this time I'll have to make a conscious decision to not check in at work.  I'll speak to people there as friends, but I'm truly check out this year on vacation.  So be prepared in about 51 days for hopefully daily blogs.  If there are no blogs happening after I say I'm on vacation, then there will be 7 blogs all at once when I get back because I look forward to sitting on the Lido deck, or in one of the picture windows staring out at the ocean on a sea day and blogging away.  Lost in my own world.