This I believe is why I am having more problems this year. As I have dreams that include "the boys" or as I think about them. Tyler and Ryan are aging. They are 23 and 21 now. When I picture them, I picture them at their current age. Kaleb should be turning 19. But when I picture him he's still 17. There is a gap forming and everyday it gets a little wider. Two of the boys are turning into men and Kaleb is left behind for always. In an earlier blog I'd talked about having problems saying "the boys" now in reference to only Tyler and Ryan. If discussing all of our children, Austin, Tyler, Ryan and Kaleb it was "Our boys" and I can still say that but I still wince each time I say "the boys".
I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me. I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17. I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking. Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully. So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know. I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year. Maybe next year!
I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year. For me they are for 2 things. One, a healing process for me. I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision. Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince you they weren't serious. Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there. Reach out to someone. Put one foot in front of the other. Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture. Don't say how can I make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today. Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.
I love Kaleb beyond description. I am at Peace with his death. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed. I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself. There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny. I've called him every name under the sun. Does that mean my love for him is any less? No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him. That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him. I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings. Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day. I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with. So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day. So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day. Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have to be anything huge. Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.
Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!
I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me. I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17. I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking. Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully. So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know. I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year. Maybe next year!
I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year. For me they are for 2 things. One, a healing process for me. I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision. Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince you they weren't serious. Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there. Reach out to someone. Put one foot in front of the other. Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture. Don't say how can I make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today. Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.
I love Kaleb beyond description. I am at Peace with his death. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed. I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself. There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny. I've called him every name under the sun. Does that mean my love for him is any less? No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him. That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him. I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings. Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day. I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with. So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day. So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day. Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have to be anything huge. Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.
Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!
