Kaleb's Army - 2 years later

I've written and rewritten this blog twice now, this is the 3rd time.  The first was full of facts and impersonal, the 2nd was to personal and was just me talking to Kaleb.  This one is going to be short and simple.  I have put the settings of this blog to public so it can be shared if you wish to do so.

Two years ago today we suffered the biggest loss I can imagine when Kaleb died by suicide.  Our family and friends have worked everyday since trying to put our lives back together.  It was a loss we never saw coming, will never understand and it changed the course of so many people's lives.  Our family remembers Kaleb everyday.  We speak his name proudly.  There is no shame in our voices.  Our son lived 17 years making people laugh, telling many jokes, being a pain in people's back sides, and never meeting a stranger.  There will never be another Kaleb.  We want him remembered as he lived not how he died.

Having said that, we have chosen to particpate in the AFSP - River Valley Out of the Darkness Walk - to be held at Ben Geren, October 8th, 2017.  We have put together a team in memory of Kaleb.  "Kaleb's Army"  Kaleb's battle might be over but we will continue the fight for him to see that others get the help and education they need in the fight against suicide.  I have included a link below to our team's page.  You can click on the link and it will take you to the website where you can join our  roster to participate in the walk, or just to show your support.  There is also a place if you choose to donate you can donate to the AFSP-Out of the Darkness Walk using a debit or credit card or a pay pal account.  The money goes directly to the AFSP and is tax deductible.  It is credited to our team (Kaleb's Army) for the walk.

https://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/Karen-Pate

The main point of this blog isn't about the fundraising but about the journey.  This journey we have been on has given us platform to help us raise Awareness about Suicide.  This is not something that was ever on my radar as something that would impact our lives.  I'm a speech giver, just ask my kids.  They've had speeches on everything from elevator etiquette (when my dad was in and out of the hospital so much it was important to know this), to what to do if your brakes go out on your car.  As they were growing up we talked about every scenario I could come up with and how to handle it.  This wasn't a chapter in my book of "what ifs".  I want to add this to someone else's book.  Not just an addendum, but a full chapter on Suicide Prevention/Awareness.  Teaming up with the AFSP helps do this.  Scroll through their website and look at what their funds are used for.  I want to help break the stigma surrounding Suicide.  Don't sweep it under the rug, or never speak of it.  Talk openly with your kids about it so they know how to ask for and receive help.  Let them know it's ok to ask for help if they need it.

If you need help, or someone to talk to please call someone that can help you.

Happy Birthday Kaleb

Kaleb's birthday passed yesterday and for some reason this one was harder on me than last year.   It took me a while to figure out why but I think I've finally figured it out.  I've talked about it before, the closeness in age my boys had.  They were always talked about as a unit. "The boys"  When anyone in the family referred to my children they referred to them as "the boys".  I did the same thing.  When you  have 3 single pregnancies within 4 years you have kids stair stepped.  The way their birthdays fell they did fall with a year between each of them in school.  They should have graduated in 2012, 2014 and 2016.  So Tyler was kind of in the middle of his age group for his year.  Ryan was an older one for his school year and Kaleb was the baby of his school year barely making the cutoff to go to school that year.

This I believe is why I am having more problems this year.  As I have dreams that include "the boys"  or as I think about them.  Tyler and Ryan are aging.  They are 23 and 21 now.  When I picture them, I picture them at their current age.  Kaleb should be turning 19.  But when I picture him he's still 17.  There is a gap forming and everyday it gets a little wider.  Two of the boys are turning into men and Kaleb is left behind for always. In an earlier blog I'd talked about having problems saying "the boys" now in reference to only Tyler and Ryan.  If discussing all of our children, Austin, Tyler, Ryan and Kaleb it was "Our boys" and I can still say that but I still wince each time I say "the boys".

I have gotten a little better at answering the question how old are your kids from someone who doesn't really know me.  I'm truthful and list their ages and end with and our youngest was 17.  I don't go into details and they usually don't notice the change in tense and just keep talking.  Or if someone ask how the boys are doing I answer truthfully.  So why does some arbitrary birthday bother me? I don't know, will it get easier as the other kids continue to age, I don't know.  I just thought this year would be a little easier than last year.  Maybe next year!

 I don't write these blogs for people to feel sorry for me and I haven't written them nearly as much as we've traveled through this 2nd year.  For me they are for 2 things.  One, a healing process for me.  I'm able to put my feelings and thoughts on paper but probably most importantly, I hope that if someone who might be contemplating suicide ever reads them, they stop and think about how what they do will impact everyone around them and the finality of that decision.  Or if an adult has a child or someone the child has told, come to them and say they are considering hurting themselves don't let them convince  you they weren't serious.  Take the time to find help for that child, because by the end of that day it might be to late to help them. For a person contemplating suicide, there is help out there.  Reach out to someone.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look at the smaller picture instead of the big picture.  Don't say how can I  make it through this year, break it down to what do I need to get through today.  Go one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time if you have to, just keep going.

I love Kaleb beyond description.  I am at Peace with his death.  That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every single day when I get out of bed.  I can't speak for the others he impacted but I can speak for myself.  There are still days when I'm so mad at him and hurt by his actions that it's not even funny.  I've called him every name under the sun.  Does that mean my love for him is any less?  No it's because of my love for him that I'm so mad at him for leaving us here without him.  That he couldn't trust in us enough to let us help him.  I pray every single day thanking God for our many Blessings.  Being able to enjoy another day on this earth with our family, friends and their families, our health, our homes, our jobs and for the strength to continue being a Positive person one more day.  I don't succeed everyday but I'm going to try my hardest to brighten someones day because you never know what internal Hell someone is dealing with.  So anything we can do on the outside to treat a person with kindness, or help build up their confidence or self-esteem might just be the boost they needed to make it one more day.  So I challenge each of you that read this, from now through 9/15, do something to brighten one persons day each day.   Might just be a smile, or a compliment, doesn't have  to be anything huge.  Just something to make others feel better about themselves or to make their day better.

Happy Day After Birthday Kaleb, Mama loves you!

A New Year

It's been a while since I've blogged. Getting through the Holidays was a little rougher than I expected.  Not sure what we will do for this year yet.  Now it's a New Year, 2017.  That means we lived all of 2016 without Kaleb physically.  A whole year that Kaleb wasn't part of, how is that possible?  We choose to talk openly about him.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't mention his name.  I might be folding laundry and get sidetracked watching TV and Jimmie will say "ok, Kaleb, finish what you were doing."  I have mentioned before that we share that ADD trait.  He came by it honestly. 

There was a time after he died where I would get upset when I'd hear people post negative things about their kids or hear them talking negatively about them. I was so jealous. I wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were to have them to be upset at.  I've changed.  I'm not jealous of them. To be jealous I would have to want what they have and I wouldn't trade Kaleb for anything.  He might have been a pain in my ass but he was my pain in the ass.  He taught me many things in his 17 years.  I was not a perfect parent and he was not a perfect child.  He taught me patience.  He functioned on his own time table. He did not do things on my time, he did them on Kaleb's time.  I learned to say "can you have it done by "whatever: time, then he could choose when he did it.  This way he had input on when he did it.  He taught me to pick my battles.  He taught me to compromise.  He taught me there is more than one way to get the job done. As long as its done correctly and no one got hurt or arrested in the process does it really matter how it got done?  There were some things  we never agreed on.  You are not allowed to slam doors in my house.  I might have removed a few bedroom doors in their teen years.  Right wrong or indifferent it was my rule.  If you broke that rule you knew that was the consequence.  You got a warning and a chance to shut it correctly if that didn't happen then the whole house was punished because then everyone in the house had to listen to whatever music, game, TV show or whatever was going on in the bedroom until I gave the door back. 

Even in his death he is still teaching me things. He has taught me compassion and empathy.  You never know what someone is going through in their life. Take the time to talk to people and listen to their story.  I'm learning to listen more.   I don't know all the answers and never will but I do know that I will live my life to the best of my ability.  I will do unto others as I would have them do unto me.  I will not judge others choices.  I may not agree with them but it's not my job to judge them.  I am not an enabler.  While I say I will not judge others I also said it doesn't mean I agree with them.  If you choose to make bad life choices, I will choose to not be around you.  His death taught me one of the biggest lessons of all.  You don't always get what you want in life.  My "perfect" life is what I make it.  No amount of protesting or rioting or blaming others will bring him back.  I make choices to support the AFSP, I choose to blog about our personal struggle to raise awareness about suicide prevention.  It might not be something that will make the National news because it's not creating controversy that will stir the pot but maybe it will reach one person who might be contemplating suicide, and make them think of the consequences of forever. That's how long it will be before they'll see their parents, siblings, and friends again.  What seems bad today might seem insignificant tomorrow. Maybe it might reach one family who has just started this ugly journey and bring them some hope that one day they will be able to breathe again.  Or maybe it will just help bring me more Peace on this journey.               

We are use to the quiet now.  Going from a house full of boys until Tyler graduated in 2012, to just the 2 of us and the dog this last year is a massive difference.  We appreciate when the kids come to visit now.  Not hearing TVs or music coming from the other bedrooms or card games in the kitchen, the thump, thump, thump of the basketball outside is something it took a while to get use to.  Now this is  our Peace. We come home to get away from the real world. It is quiet and it is Peaceful.  One day we will find the perfect house to be our forever home but for now we are happy where we are in our temporary home.