We're helping Tyler and Steph move this weekend. They are moving further away to finish up their schooling and begin their married life together. Who knows what their life holds after they finish their degrees but for now that means they will be a little further away than they have been the last 4 years. Ryan has enrolled in college in Shreveport where he's living with Alyssa to finish his degree down there. They are becoming accustomed to life on their own. Austin still lives close but has been independent and on his own for a long time now. Next week on the 14th, Kaleb would have turned 18. The last of our boys would have been an adult. As I'm typing this I'm listening to one of the songs on my playlist. Amazing Grace by Michael Smith "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, My Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending love, Amazing Grace" "The Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures." I know that with His Grace, we will make it through. People are given to us throughout our lives temporarily. You never know when the loan date will be up.
Starting Griefshare has been a positive experience for me. I've been struggling with the thought of his birthday and the anniversary of his death along with my daddy's all coming up in the next 45 days or so. Starting the class has helped me know there are many people who have gone through these processes. They have walked these paths and came out the other side. While never a quick or easy process, it is do-able. I've learned about 2ndary losses. Which makes sense and I'd sort of came across this on my own with my blog about losing my full time job. We lost a son, a brother, a grandchild, a friend but he was more than that. To me he was my partner in crime for our Braum's runs. He was my full time job everyday. He was my helper with chores at home. He was someone to make me laugh at the stupidest jokes that wouldn't have even made it on a laffy taffy wrapper. He could deliver the best punchlines. So while we each realize when we lose someone that we lost that person as a relation or friend to us, we also lost everything else they were to us. I'm not explaining this well, it's easier to use a spouse as an example. If you lose your spouse you also lose your best friend, your confidant, your partner, the person that runs the other half of the household, possibly the person that paid the bills. You have to take on additional functions that you might not have been responsible for. It's sort of the same with a child. Except I lost responsibilities. I lost the laughs we would have shared. The milestones that were still to be met. So we're not just grieving the loss of a son, we're grieving the loss of everything he was to us and the dreams we had for him.
So instead of dreading this birthday I'm going to celebrate it. He's still my son. He was still born on 8/14/98. My little 7 pound bundle of joy. It was still one of the happiest days of my life. Nothing has changed any of that. The only thing that has changed is how we will celebrate. Maybe I'll take him a Happy Birthday Balloon up there to put on his grave. He'd have loved sucking the helium out of it and telling jokes in a high pitched squeaky voice. Those will be the things I remember on his birthday. His joy, his laughter, his practical jokes. His never-ending stream of useless knowledge. The love for our child will never change, what will change is us as parents as we learn to live without him at our side.
I've learned to be thankful everyday for not just the good things in my life, but even the obstacles that have been put in my path. I can teach our other boys by example that you can make it through anything. This process hasn't been easy and it hasn't always brought out the best in us. I've said things out of hurt and anger, I've reacted in negative ways, but that's part of learning, figuring out what doesn't work and focusing on what does. So Happy Birthday Month Kaleb!
