The emotions are starting to hit a little early this year. I know it's a mixture of a lot of different things. Our granddaughter was born on March 1st. It has been amazing over the last 4 months, watching her grow, keeping her whenever her parents need a break, and seeing the kids turn into wonderful parents. This is where it gets tough for me. Kaleb would have been a great uncle, not that she doesn't have great Aunts and Uncles now, but he was great with little kids. He would have been talking in all the baby voices, playing peek-a-boo and I'm sure pretending to drop her or do some other outrageous thing just to be an entertainer. She will never get to meet him or hear his huge laugh fill the room, or have to listen to his "wonderful" signing at the top of his lungs. Thinking about the what ifs always gets the emotions flowing more than normal. I learned a long time ago I have to let the what ifs go, but sometimes actually doing it is a lot harder.
Almost 6 years later and I'm having to work to remember all the laughter, joking and good times we had, because since he died, I've focused on what I could have done different. I've went over every disagreement we ever had to pick it apart for how it could have been handled differently, or how I could have handled an argument, or discipline different than I did. I could have learned to be more understanding faster. Hindsight is 20/20, but would it have made a difference? I'll never know. This is why I try not to think about the what ifs. I have always believed that you are put on this earth for a certain number of days and when it's your time, it will be your time. Whether you are sitting on a couch, watching tv, or parachuting out of a plane. But in that thought, I was always thinking about my own time on earth. I never imagined applying it to my children. Everyone's days are numbered, we never know when it will be the last one and I don't think anyone is ever ready for someone to die but it will still happen when it's their time. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Mark things off your bucket list early, don't leave a list full of unchecked boxes.
I think the doubts I have regarding my ability as a mother come from the way he died. Would it have been different if it was an accident or a sickness. I don't know, and hopefully I'll never find out. I do know, since losing him I've gone through every emotion possible and most of them 100s of times. Child loss is hard. These emotions and feelings will last the rest of your life. It's so easy to withdraw completely from everyone around you. And I'm guilty of that at times. If I don't let people in, I can't hurt again. Maybe if I don't see their kids growing up and graduating, they won't see the jealousy in my eyes and I won't feel the stab in my heart. Having our granddaughter has helped so much. I'm slowly coming out of my shell because I don't want to miss a second of her growing up. Whether it's rocking her to sleep, or carrying her around to introduce her to "farm" life, I want to cherish each of these memories. Kaleb will always be a huge part of our life. He will forever be missed, but I have to stop wondering what could have been and focus on the here and now and share the good memories. Stop focusing on the difficult times and make new good times. He will forever be in our hearts and there will never be anyone just like him and definitely no one that can deliver a one liner or punchline like he could. He was my beautiful blue-eyed baby boy.
