For those that know me well, you know it's getting close to that time of year when I struggle. It doesn't matter how happy I am in life, because let's face it, I'm surrounded by a pretty awesome group of family and friends. I live in the most beautiful and peaceful surroundings imaginable but the next 2 months will always suck for me. We were watching drag racing last weekend as we do most Saturdays and Sundays when its that season and there was an interview on there with Clay Millican labeled "My Journey" and he discussed losing his son Dalton at the age of 22 to a motorcycle accident. He talked about the knock at the door and hearing those words. It hit me in the heart. To hear another parent talking about " that moment" hurts my heart so bad. Because you can't even describe that pain. Even though our losses were two completely different kinds of loss, they are still the same. We both are left without one of our sons. You also realize there are so many people out there on this terrible journey with us. I guess I don't remember this happening because it's so close to the time we lost our Kaleb.
I'm thankful we as a couple have been strong enough to be able to beat the odds. I'm thankful we as a family did not crumble. When I have down days, one of my best friends always tells me, "we're going to get through this, even if I have to push, pull or drag you through it". I have no doubt she would do that. We couldn't ask to be surrounded by better people. They know when we need space, and they know when we need to have people around us to keep us busy. I'm not always able to go to family gatherings, or attend holidays because it might not be a good time for me. One thing people don't always understand is if I cry when we talk about Kaleb, it's not always because I'm sad. Sometimes they are happy tears because of the joy of remembering him and talking about the memories from his journey. Or remembering something new. And if I ever happen across a new picture or a new video where I can hear his voice that I've never heard before, you can bet I'll cry. Not from sadness but just from joy of a new memory I get to experience.
My blogs have gotten further and further apart. Sometimes I still blog, but I don't post the blog. I leave it as a draft, or don't share it. It still helps me. So here's to year 3. August 14th, 2018 he'd have been 20. No longer a teenager. Wondering what would he have been like, what would he be doing, is hard. But probably what's harder is trying to remember his laugh, his smell, and the feel of those bony sweaty arms as he'd try to give me a gross sweaty hug just because he knew it'd bother me. September 15, 2018, yeah, don't expect to hear from me that day. The AFSP River Valley Out of the Darkness walk is the next day. We did the walk last year. We opened a team up this year, Kaleb's Army, but last year, it was a almost a month after the anniversary. I'm good with collecting and contributing donations, but I don't know if I'll actually be able to go to the event this year. Not sure I'll be ready for crowds and to be able to give that emotional support needed to attend it. I'm not much of a people person on my good days.
I know most everyone has seen the tragic news about the Ride the Ducks tragedy in Branson and I'm sure so many of us have ridden those very same Ducks either there, or in Hot Springs. The people who lost their life that day had no idea their journey was going to end. I'm sure they had plans for the future. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. I thank God everyday for giving me one more day and Blessing me with those around me. Our move last year had a lot to do with living our dream life. When you decided to down size and live in a 28 foot camper for a year so that you can save and get a house onto your property in the middle of no where, that's taking a chance. We could have just kept saying "someday". Finally we said no, if we're going to do this, now is the time. The opportunity presented itself and we jumped. Now when I walk out on our porch, and look out over the pond, there is a feeling of Peace. This is our little piece of Heaven and I can only speak for myself but I feel closer to Kaleb there.
Each of us are on our own Journeys. To anyone that has outlived their child, your journey just took an alternate route than other people. It doesn't have to make it a bad journey. We only get one journey what have you done to make yours memorable lately?
