Jeep Worthy!

Have you ever had something that you are more attached to than a normal person should be?  My Jeep is that way to me.  I LOVE my Jeep.  Loved it when I bought it.  I'd wanted one forever.  My husband was never a fan of it, not enough head or leg room.  He didn’t think it was safe enough for me. It definitely doesn't ride like a car and there isn't an electronic piece of equipment on it, from roll down windows, to push in locks and a key you actually put in the door to unlock it.  Who knew those things still existed. We couldn't take it on trips so it added up miles on his vehicles because my Jeep was only driven during the week by me to and from work.  Or in the beginning hauling Kaleb around until he got his drivers license. 

 It's a 2013 and I've owned it since the day it drove off the lot.  So why do I love my Jeep so bad.  In the beginning  I loved the freedom of taking the top off when I wanted, the wind in my hair, sun on my skin.  Didn't matter if I had to have the heater on while this was occurring, it was the point that I could do it.  I can park it anywhere, it zips around town, or curvy roads quickly and we all know how I like to drive.  I probably didn't use the air conditioner the first couple of years I had it, didn't matter how hot it got, I used the windows because that's why I got it.  I love to be outside and feel the sun and the wind.  Don't get me wrong I still do these things to this day.  There are just new reasons I love my Jeep now.  

But the reason has changed.  This is the Jeep that Kaleb learned to drive in.  He took his driver's test in it.  Who else goes to take their driver's test, parks in the state police parking lot and someone else taking their test backs into your vehicle.  Only Kaleb.  Thank goodness it was a Jeep, they only hit the spare tire on the back and scuffed up my cover.  But the look in his eyes when the State Trooper walked in and asked who was driving the Jeep Wrangler and he had to say him.  Priceless.  This is the vehicle we made our Braum's runs in and hid our napkins in the console until we could get to a trashcan so there was no evidence.  Speaking of Braums, never buy ice cream and try and drive with the top off.  It sprays everywhere, as we found out one summer day on a trip back from Lake Fort Smith with Ryan and Kaleb.  It's the memories that are in this Jeep that make it special.  I can't make new memories with Kaleb in them.  He'll never be in a new car with me.  

It's also the vehicle I was driving that last morning when I left him at the gas station getting gas.  The last time I saw him alive.  As I waved goodbye and said I love you.  Same vehicle I drove home that day as I was given the news about his death.  It's made many countless trips to the cemetery with me.  So when is a car not a car?  When it's a Jeep that holds your precious memories that are irreplaceable. The memories will always be in my heart, but to not be surrounded by them every time I drive will be hard as I trade in my Jeep that has been my baby for almost 6 years.  To be a grown up and let practicality outweigh the sentimental attachment is hard.  There is no Blue Book value on what my Jeep is worth to me.  It's Priceless.  No one will be able to love Zippy as much as I do.  They'll never appreciate the memories that were made in it.  But maybe some family will get to make new memories in it.  

"My Journey" Making it Memorable

     

For those that know me well, you know it's getting close to that time of year when I struggle.  It doesn't matter how happy I am in life, because let's face it, I'm surrounded by a pretty awesome group of family and friends.  I live in the most beautiful and peaceful surroundings imaginable but the next 2 months will always suck for me.  We were watching drag racing last weekend as we do most Saturdays and Sundays when its that season and there was an interview on there with Clay Millican labeled "My Journey" and he discussed losing his son Dalton at the age of 22 to a motorcycle accident.  He talked about the knock at the door and hearing those words.  It hit me in the heart.  To hear another parent talking about " that moment" hurts my heart so bad.  Because you can't even describe that pain.  Even though our losses were two completely different kinds of loss, they are still the same.  We both are left without one of our sons.  You also realize there are so many people out there on this terrible journey with us.  I guess I don't remember this happening because it's so close to the time we lost our Kaleb.
   
     I'm thankful we as a couple have been strong enough to be able to beat the odds.  I'm thankful we as a family did not crumble.  When I have down days, one of my best friends always tells me, "we're going to get through this, even if I have to push, pull or drag you through it".  I have no doubt she would do that.  We couldn't ask to be surrounded by better people.  They know when we need space, and they know when we need to have people around us to keep us busy.   I'm not always able to go to family gatherings, or attend holidays because it might not be a good time for me.  One thing people don't always understand is if I cry when we talk about Kaleb, it's not always because I'm sad.  Sometimes they are happy tears because of the joy of remembering him and talking about the memories from his journey.  Or remembering something new.  And if I ever happen across a new picture or a new video where I can hear his voice that I've never heard before, you can bet I'll cry.  Not from sadness but just from joy of a new memory I get to experience.

     My blogs have gotten further and further apart.  Sometimes I still blog, but I don't post the blog.  I leave it as a draft, or don't share it.  It still helps me.  So here's to year 3.  August 14th, 2018 he'd have been 20.  No longer a teenager.    Wondering what would he have been like, what would he be doing, is hard.  But probably what's harder is trying to remember his laugh, his smell, and the feel of those bony sweaty arms as he'd try to give me a gross sweaty hug just because he knew it'd bother me.  September 15, 2018, yeah, don't expect to hear from me that day.  The AFSP River Valley Out of the Darkness walk is the next day.  We did the walk last year.  We opened a team up this year, Kaleb's Army, but last year, it was a almost a month after the anniversary.  I'm good with collecting and contributing donations, but I don't know if I'll actually be able to go to the event this year.  Not sure I'll be ready for crowds and to be able to give that emotional support needed to attend it.  I'm not much of a people person on my good days.

     I know most everyone has seen the tragic news about the Ride the Ducks tragedy in Branson and I'm sure so many of us have ridden those very same Ducks either there, or in Hot Springs.  The people who lost their life that day had no idea their journey was going to end.  I'm sure they had plans for the future.  Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.  I thank God everyday for giving me one more day and Blessing me with those around me.  Our move last year had a lot to do with living our dream life.  When you decided to down size and live in a 28 foot camper for a year so that you can save and get a house onto your property in the middle of no where, that's taking a chance.  We could have just kept saying "someday".  Finally we said no, if we're going to do this, now is the time.  The opportunity presented itself and we jumped.  Now when I walk out on our porch, and look out over the pond, there is a feeling of Peace.  This is our little piece of Heaven and I can only speak for myself but I feel closer to Kaleb there.

     Each of us are on our own Journeys.  To anyone that has outlived their child, your journey just took an alternate route than other people.  It doesn't have to make it a bad journey.  We only get one journey what have you done to make yours memorable lately?