It's been a while since I've blogged. Getting through the Holidays was a little rougher than I expected. Not sure what we will do for this year yet. Now it's a New Year, 2017. That means we lived all of 2016 without Kaleb physically. A whole year that Kaleb wasn't part of, how is that possible? We choose to talk openly about him. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't mention his name. I might be folding laundry and get sidetracked watching TV and Jimmie will say "ok, Kaleb, finish what you were doing." I have mentioned before that we share that ADD trait. He came by it honestly.
There was a time after he died where I would get upset when I'd hear people post negative things about their kids or hear them talking negatively about them. I was so jealous. I wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were to have them to be upset at. I've changed. I'm not jealous of them. To be jealous I would have to want what they have and I wouldn't trade Kaleb for anything. He might have been a pain in my ass but he was my pain in the ass. He taught me many things in his 17 years. I was not a perfect parent and he was not a perfect child. He taught me patience. He functioned on his own time table. He did not do things on my time, he did them on Kaleb's time. I learned to say "can you have it done by "whatever: time, then he could choose when he did it. This way he had input on when he did it. He taught me to pick my battles. He taught me to compromise. He taught me there is more than one way to get the job done. As long as its done correctly and no one got hurt or arrested in the process does it really matter how it got done? There were some things we never agreed on. You are not allowed to slam doors in my house. I might have removed a few bedroom doors in their teen years. Right wrong or indifferent it was my rule. If you broke that rule you knew that was the consequence. You got a warning and a chance to shut it correctly if that didn't happen then the whole house was punished because then everyone in the house had to listen to whatever music, game, TV show or whatever was going on in the bedroom until I gave the door back.
Even in his death he is still teaching me things. He has taught me compassion and empathy. You never know what someone is going through in their life. Take the time to talk to people and listen to their story. I'm learning to listen more. I don't know all the answers and never will but I do know that I will live my life to the best of my ability. I will do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I will not judge others choices. I may not agree with them but it's not my job to judge them. I am not an enabler. While I say I will not judge others I also said it doesn't mean I agree with them. If you choose to make bad life choices, I will choose to not be around you. His death taught me one of the biggest lessons of all. You don't always get what you want in life. My "perfect" life is what I make it. No amount of protesting or rioting or blaming others will bring him back. I make choices to support the AFSP, I choose to blog about our personal struggle to raise awareness about suicide prevention. It might not be something that will make the National news because it's not creating controversy that will stir the pot but maybe it will reach one person who might be contemplating suicide, and make them think of the consequences of forever. That's how long it will be before they'll see their parents, siblings, and friends again. What seems bad today might seem insignificant tomorrow. Maybe it might reach one family who has just started this ugly journey and bring them some hope that one day they will be able to breathe again. Or maybe it will just help bring me more Peace on this journey.
We are use to the quiet now. Going from a house full of boys until Tyler graduated in 2012, to just the 2 of us and the dog this last year is a massive difference. We appreciate when the kids come to visit now. Not hearing TVs or music coming from the other bedrooms or card games in the kitchen, the thump, thump, thump of the basketball outside is something it took a while to get use to. Now this is our Peace. We come home to get away from the real world. It is quiet and it is Peaceful. One day we will find the perfect house to be our forever home but for now we are happy where we are in our temporary home.
